A Life Without Love Is Not Worth Living

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stuff4096

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A life without love is not worth living... the only reason why I exist today is because I would never put my parents through such an ordeal. But at this point, I am two deaths away from eternal slumber. I love my parents dearly, but at the same time I feel imprisoned because I am not free to have my eternal slumber. If I were a lesser person, I would have terminated myself several times over already. What is the point of being alive but not happy? The past year has mostly been the worst year of my life. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life (and I have had more than my fair share of loneliness). For the most part over this time, I have largely been ignored and forgotten by someone I considered a very close friend. I felt like I was the best possible friend I could be and yet time and again, I feel I have been betrayed. Nice guys finish last, as it goes, and I guess I am living proof of that. Maybe I was too nice or too agreeable. They say that you set yourself up for sadness when you put your happiness in the hands of another. Perhaps in that sense, I have been fooling myself into thinking that we were ever really as close as I thought we were. What I thought I used to have is now what someone else has. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me... and we are way past the second fooling. Despite my obvious sadness, not a single person has asked me what was wrong. Perhaps this is my own fault, as being happy seems to be the exception and not the norm. I cannot remember the last time I was truly happy. I cannot remember the last time I smiled. I would trade the rest of my life for one day of happiness. A day without sadness and darkness. I have all but given up on the possibility of things turning around. I am a simple person and just want to find that special someone that I can share my life with. I have a lot of love to give, but apparently no one wants it. I have never experienced love; I can count the number of dates I have had on two hands; I can count the number of girls I have gone out with on one hand. There is only so much rejection one can reasonably take. I would never wish my situation on anyone. My light side has lost the war against my dark side. My flame of life has extinguished. I feel like I am dead on the inside and I am just waiting for the outside to catch up. I ruined my life five years ago and I seem to be destined to suffer the consequences until my dying day. In a parallel universe I believe there is a me that is happy. Unfortunately, I am here and not there. I look forward to the day when I can go to sleep for the last time. Endured much suffering have I. Wish to skip to the end of this story I do...
 
You sound very sad. I hope talking eased some pain, at least.

I'm sure your family loves you, which is why they don't want you to suffer or, especially, die.

Life, unfortunately, peaks and troughs. I can see you're feeling very low at the moment, and I don't want to patronise you by saying stuff like "ohh, you wait and see, it'll get better" as I am not a fortune-teller (unFORTUNEately, I just tell terrible jokes). You seem to be on an epic down-swing.

BUT! Things could turn around. You just have to be patient. And keep going.

Life hurts. But you're not alone, not by a long shot.

Sorry if this sounds a bit insensative, but at the end you start sounding a bit like Yoda ('endured much suffering have I. Wish to skip to the end, I do"). Are you a star wars fan at all?

What are your likes and interests? reading, writing? You're very eloquent. What makes you happy? These things'll get you through the dark days.
 
I am truely sorry that you feel the way you do. I do not know you, or know anything about you. But I will tell you this...
I have had a life filled with tragedy, bad decisions, unfairness, sorrow, fear, regrets, self-hatred. But, that is not all there is. I know these words will be meaningless to you if you are where you say you are, but I'll say them anyway. Hope lives. You have no idea what may be ahead of you. We have, inside of ALL of us, the potential to be better than we are. To live in spite of our past, in spite of our circumstance.
Is there an answer which solves all our problems, or makes the pain go away? No, there isn't. But to keep on in spite of that which stands before us, I believe that is the greatest acomplishment possible.

I know that what I've said may not help you, but I hope that you may find that which will help you to keep going.
This may be trite, but I have always loved "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight" by Dylan Thomas
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15377

I hope some of this helps. PM me if you feel the need.
 
I don't know what happened five years ago, but please believe me when I say I have experienced everything you've described except one--being betrayed by a friend. I've never had friends, so I wouldn't know about that. But I do know the feeling of being betrayed by family. One year ago, I've probably said the same or similar things you're saying now. But I've learned that there are all different kinds of love, and that you cannot always pair happiness with companionship. If you do, you will end up in the very position that you are now, in a pit of despair and loneliness. Not everyone is meant to have relationships. Like you, I can count the people I've gone out with on one hand. One finger, in fact. Back then I thought that I was a failure in life for not being able to find my "soul mate". Soon after, though, I got into writing and found another love. It was a love for myself and my writing. I also have love for my family, especially my sick sister, the people who I can reach out to such as yourself, and the people who make an effort to reach out to me.

You are right, a life without love is hardly worth living. But you must also realize the many, many different loves that exist. This is not to say that you should never find a partner or even a friend. Companionship is a very important human coping mechanism to keep oneself sane in this world full of misfortune and grief. It is very stressful to think that you are completely alone, by yourself. Trust me, I know that feeling. But perhaps the recent events is just life telling you that you need to take care of yourself now. Find hobbies, interests, things that you love to do. Soon you will find people with similar interests. You might find that you have quite a lot of things in common! This is a very common way to meet people and make friends. Instead of giving up on love, try discovering its many faces. You'll be surprised by what you find.

Anyway, I don't want to sound like some prick who has all these optimistic answers as if I don't know grief. I know life sucks ass more often than any time it's ever seemed good or even tolerable. Sometimes, really, the best medicine is to cry, rant, scream, and curse everyone because they've done nothing but wronged you. Sometimes you really just need to wallow in that velvet blanket of being the victim. And don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to complain, because they're full of honeysuckle. But once you've had yourself a good cry (and yes, even men should cry) and an even better drink, you can start to pick up the pieces, y'know?

I guess you can PM me or anyone here, really, if you'd like some encouragement or someone to curse the world with (especially me--I'll do it!). I don't know how much help we could be here, all scattered out in the world as we are, but it's worth a shot.
 
I too have been badly betrayed by my "best" (at the time) friend in the past. I don't really have any good advices, but you should really try to find something you love to do if you can't find someone to love. Involving yourself fully in some sort of activity really is one of the best cure and you can often meet like-minded people through these kind of hobbies...but it's harder if you don't live in a big city.

In fact, the only friends I have, I met through my hobbies. I'm just wayyy too awkward to meet anyone else any other way.

Doubt The Rabbit said:
Soon after, though, I got into writing and found another love. It was a love for myself and my writing.
Click to expand...

And you're not the only one who loves your writing, you're very talented.


 
Nitramici said:
Doubt The Rabbit said:
Soon after, though, I got into writing and found another love. It was a love for myself and my writing.
Click to expand...

And you're not the only one who loves your writing, you're very talented.
Click to expand...
Thank you! :shy:

Hobbies never steer you wrong. Unless perhaps if it's dangerous like extreme parkour... o-o
 
I found this post incredibly touching. I relate to so much of what you said. I'm not smart enough to give you advice. But there are a lot of really smart people here who can offer great advice.
 
You're definately not alone in how you feel remember that!!! The feeling of worthlessness follows me too. For myself setting goals truly helps be it my education, job, working out etc. Having productive thoughts to busy my mind gives me a moment or two of calm.

You're not alone!! You're not alone!!

One step in front of the other!
 
Thank you so much to everyone for the kind words. When I first found this site (how I will never remember) and started reading the forums, I felt like there were others who had variously similar things to say so I decided to join. It saddens me to know that there is seemingly a world full of caring people that have had to endure the type of sadness I feel now

@PurpleDays - I am indeed a Star Wars fan, and nothing you said was insensitive in my mind. Actually, being a fan of Star Wars is the reason why I refer to my negative emotions as my dark side. It seems to fit and I often feel more at home in the darkness than in the light. Unfortunately, the one thing I enjoy most these days, video games, is something I end up doing alone for the most part. It would be great to be able to share this interest with a potential mate, but due to the stereotypes typically applied to those who play, I never mention it as an interest. When I play, it allows me to escape to a world where I can be the hero, where my actions can lead to a happy ending... kind of like daydreaming but without being spaced out. Sometimes I get a similar feeling of escape when I watch movies

To continue the story, five years ago one of my college roommates got married. That freaked me out like I have never been before. I used to naively believe that I things would eventually work themselves out, that I would eventually find my soul mate. Yet here he was married and I had not even been on a date yet. So I decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, given my introverted nature, the only real option I felt I had was online dating. I mistakenly believed that it would be easy enough to meet someone online and just as I was about to quit, someone sent me a message. It was the first message I ever received that was not initiated by me. The message was short, but it really touched me. She could tell that I was a genuinely nice guy. I sent her back a response and we started messaging and we clicked immediately. We talked a lot in a short amount of time and things were moving along nicely. One time, she was bummed about her birthday and I sent her a poem wishing her a happy birthday. As it turns out, she really liked it. She said it totally made her day, which of course made my day. It felt really good to know that I was able to affect her so positively and that my gestures of kindness were well received. One day we were IMing and she seemed upset when we stopped talking. In what I consider the biggest mistake of my life, I decided to give her space and let her cool off on her own (my usual response to angry people). I figured when she was cooled off, she would talk to me again. Days went by (ultimately two weeks) and we did not talk yet I could see that she was online. This made me really depressed because I did not understand why she was upset. Finally I got a message from her, which was essentially a break up message. She said she was also depressed during this period of non-communication. Apparently the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. I never got to ask her if she was really upset, but we were both waiting for the other person to reach out. I had just lost the best thing that ever happened to me all because of my own stupidity. She truly liked me for who I was, never caring at all about the things that a girl would typically reject me for. She did not care that I was shorter than her, she did not care that I was not white, she did not care what I looked like. The only thing that kept us from meeting in person was the fact that she was at college. Ever since then, I have been trying to find someone that made me feel the way she did. Unfortunately, I have not. I regret most of all that I hurt such a sweet girl. I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistake. I often feel like I blew it with my potential soul mate. I often feel like my life is a punishment for a previous life in which I must have been an awful person. I realize that those who dwell on the past are doomed to repeat it, but in some sense that is what I want. I want a second chance like I had before. That is not to say that I would not make another mistake, but I do feel like I have learned from my previous mistake and would make more intelligent and sensible decisions. I only hope that someday I do get the chance...
 
I'm crying now because I feel the same. Since my mother is the only person who would be hurt by my death, I am only one death away from suicide. And how awful does that make me? I think a lot about how I can have an accident that would look like an accident but be a sure thing. I've considered driving off the road into a tree, things like that, but I haven't come up with anything foolproof.
 
stuff4096 said:
Thank you so much to everyone for the kind words. When I first found this site (how I will never remember) and started reading the forums, I felt like there were others who had variously similar things to say so I decided to join. It saddens me to know that there is seemingly a world full of caring people that have had to endure the type of sadness I feel now

@PurpleDays - I am indeed a Star Wars fan, and nothing you said was insensitive in my mind. Actually, being a fan of Star Wars is the reason why I refer to my negative emotions as my dark side. It seems to fit and I often feel more at home in the darkness than in the light. Unfortunately, the one thing I enjoy most these days, video games, is something I end up doing alone for the most part. It would be great to be able to share this interest with a potential mate, but due to the stereotypes typically applied to those who play, I never mention it as an interest. When I play, it allows me to escape to a world where I can be the hero, where my actions can lead to a happy ending... kind of like daydreaming but without being spaced out. Sometimes I get a similar feeling of escape when I watch movies

To continue the story, five years ago one of my college roommates got married. That freaked me out like I have never been before. I used to naively believe that I things would eventually work themselves out, that I would eventually find my soul mate. Yet here he was married and I had not even been on a date yet. So I decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, given my introverted nature, the only real option I felt I had was online dating. I mistakenly believed that it would be easy enough to meet someone online and just as I was about to quit, someone sent me a message. It was the first message I ever received that was not initiated by me. The message was short, but it really touched me. She could tell that I was a genuinely nice guy. I sent her back a response and we started messaging and we clicked immediately. We talked a lot in a short amount of time and things were moving along nicely. One time, she was bummed about her birthday and I sent her a poem wishing her a happy birthday. As it turns out, she really liked it. She said it totally made her day, which of course made my day. It felt really good to know that I was able to affect her so positively and that my gestures of kindness were well received. One day we were IMing and she seemed upset when we stopped talking. In what I consider the biggest mistake of my life, I decided to give her space and let her cool off on her own (my usual response to angry people). I figured when she was cooled off, she would talk to me again. Days went by (ultimately two weeks) and we did not talk yet I could see that she was online. This made me really depressed because I did not understand why she was upset. Finally I got a message from her, which was essentially a break up message. She said she was also depressed during this period of non-communication. Apparently the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. I never got to ask her if she was really upset, but we were both waiting for the other person to reach out. I had just lost the best thing that ever happened to me all because of my own stupidity. She truly liked me for who I was, never caring at all about the things that a girl would typically reject me for. She did not care that I was shorter than her, she did not care that I was not white, she did not care what I looked like. The only thing that kept us from meeting in person was the fact that she was at college. Ever since then, I have been trying to find someone that made me feel the way she did. Unfortunately, I have not. I regret most of all that I hurt such a sweet girl. I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistake. I often feel like I blew it with my potential soul mate. I often feel like my life is a punishment for a previous life in which I must have been an awful person. I realize that those who dwell on the past are doomed to repeat it, but in some sense that is what I want. I want a second chance like I had before. That is not to say that I would not make another mistake, but I do feel like I have learned from my previous mistake and would make more intelligent and sensible decisions. I only hope that someday I do get the chance...
Click to expand...

I exactly know what you mean... All this pain, all these feelings... all this suffering.. When will there be an end ? What we look for is relief, relief of this horrible pain... But when we are dead, we cannot feel that relief anymore.. Im on my edge aswell.. I might share my story someday too, its alot to write.. All these people and their lies... Each time you think you found your person in colour, That person turns gray..
 
I don't even know what to say. I can;t even hardly type with the tears streaming down my face. You have so much life left in front of you while I am towards the end of mine. One online relationship is just one online relationship. Please do not let it ruin you. When my husband died at a very young age, I made a vow not to cannonize the relationship into perfection but to always remember it was fabulous and it was frustrating and it was fulfilling and it was annoying. He was the love of my life, without perfection. Please do not let an unrequited online text date take you to that eternal dark side. We are all here. Please continue to talk to us. My sister chose the eternal dark side last December. She did not talk to me for the three years prior to that and did not call me before she did it. Now I am lost in that rejection forever. Nothing I can do about it. She was my BEST friend when we were growing up. We did so much together but she chose the eternal dark side. Please do not do that to the people in your life. As hard as it is, you don't know what the future holds. Even in my personal relationship loneliness, I have three wonderful grandsons that I could never leave without a grammy. Two wonderful children that even if they are not supportive the way I need, they are in their own way and I could never leave them with the feelings my sister left in me.
Online dating sucks. It is what got me where I am today. It isn't just the young that lose.

Doubt The Rabbit said:
I don't know what happened five years ago, but please believe me when I say I have experienced everything you've described except one--being betrayed by a friend. I've never had friends, so I wouldn't know about that. But I do know the feeling of being betrayed by family. One year ago, I've probably said the same or similar things you're saying now. But I've learned that there are all different kinds of love, and that you cannot always pair happiness with companionship. If you do, you will end up in the very position that you are now, in a pit of despair and loneliness. Not everyone is meant to have relationships. Like you, I can count the people I've gone out with on one hand. One finger, in fact. Back then I thought that I was a failure in life for not being able to find my "soul mate". Soon after, though, I got into writing and found another love. It was a love for myself and my writing. I also have love for my family, especially my sick sister, the people who I can reach out to such as yourself, and the people who make an effort to reach out to me.

You are right, a life without love is hardly worth living. But you must also realize the many, many different loves that exist. This is not to say that you should never find a partner or even a friend. Companionship is a very important human coping mechanism to keep oneself sane in this world full of misfortune and grief. It is very stressful to think that you are completely alone, by yourself. Trust me, I know that feeling. But perhaps the recent events is just life telling you that you need to take care of yourself now. Find hobbies, interests, things that you love to do. Soon you will find people with similar interests. You might find that you have quite a lot of things in common! This is a very common way to meet people and make friends. Instead of giving up on love, try discovering its many faces. You'll be surprised by what you find.

Anyway, I don't want to sound like some prick who has all these optimistic answers as if I don't know grief. I know life sucks ass more often than any time it's ever seemed good or even tolerable. Sometimes, really, the best medicine is to cry, rant, scream, and curse everyone because they've done nothing but wronged you. Sometimes you really just need to wallow in that velvet blanket of being the victim. And don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to complain, because they're full of honeysuckle. But once you've had yourself a good cry (and yes, even men should cry) and an even better drink, you can start to pick up the pieces, y'know?

Wow. This made my day. I think I will go do something positive.
Click to expand...
 
Wow,Stuff pretty much summed up my life thus far in a few paragraphs! I can relate to at least 98% of what you typed there.
I don't really have much advice to give,just..the only thing that keeps me going is Comedy.Tv shows,jokes etc etc.Light hearted tv shows,satire,
barbed wire sarcasm (as long as its witty),black /dark humour,on ocassions or plain ol' slapstick sillyness.Keeps me going and helps me forget all the other honeysuckle going on in my life.
As to what Stuff was directly refering too,if my folks were dead i would join them in the next world.Or at least i THINK i would.My dad is my best/only friend i have.No one from work rings me or invites me out anywhere so i feel totally alienated from society.
Anyways try to be strong.
 
I identify with OP at least this much, the only reason I haven't tried to end it early is because I don't want to put my mother through that. She is in a nursing home and my other relatives rarely visit her. It's all so ******* sad.
 
Thanks again to everyone for another round of posts. It is easy to forget that there are others who have similar experiences when one is so lost in the darkness. To all those who have the strength and heart to continue on for the sake of a parent or other loved ones I wish you all the best. I have a lot of respect for anyone who puts their family first. I know personally how difficult it can be to balance one's desire to end the pain with one's caring and responsibility. It is unfortunate that life is filled with so much sadness for so many who seem to be good people. I am sorry by the way for causing tears, real or otherwise. My intent was certainly not to make others cry

Sally said:
Name your top 5 movies of all time. Go!
Click to expand...

Tough call, but here goes:

The Empire Strikes Back
The Dark Knight
Batman
Ghostbusters
Corpse Bride
 
You like Star Wars and Tim Burton films? Pretty pretty pretty cool.
So what's up with this girl who has you feeling down? Have you tried getting into contact with her?
 
Sally said:
You like Star Wars and Tim Burton films? Pretty pretty pretty cool.
So what's up with this girl who has you feeling down? Have you tried getting into contact with her?
Click to expand...

Yes, I do like Star Wars. I suppose I do like a few Tim Burton films. The Nightmare Before Christmas was pretty good too. I assume your user name is related to that?

The incident with the girl in my previous post happened in 2005. She made it very clear that what happened was unforgivable. I cannot say I blame her, but it is unfortunate that it was apparently all a big misunderstanding :( To this day, I still consider what happened the biggest mistake of my life. I think my life could be very different if things had worked out at that time. I acquired new interests and friends during that time, but if not for what happened, perhaps I would not have them now. I struggle with the question of whether I would trade everything that has happened in the last few years for a chance to prevent that mistake
 

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