I'm scared to reveal to people everything that's wrong with me

Hello. I'm not really sure where to start with this (I signed up a couple days ago but have been writing and re-writing this post, trying to figure out how best to say what I want to say clearly and without too many words. Here goes.

I'm 25. I've never had a relationship with a girl. I was abused as a kid, emotionally (told I was stupid, worthless, would never amount to anything) all the time, but also physically sometimes when my dad got into a bad mood. My mother wasn't in the picture after their divorce.

Now I feel worthless, like I can't do anything right. Like I have to be perfect all the time. I have trouble believing that I could ever have any kind of productive relationship, romantic or otherwise. I have plenty of friends - several of which I would call "close" friends - but I still don't talk to them about some private things, like my depression and loneliness. I feel like it's too much to ask anyone else to listen to.

Oh, and I don't talk about my relationship/dating (or lack thereof) history with other people, friends or no. I skillfully avoid the topic being brought up, or if it's brought up among other people, I'll avoid letting the conversation being drawn to me. On the rare occasion it does, I'll make up some lie and then get off the topic as quickly as possible. Two of my friends do know, though, and the few other long-time friends (from back in high school) I have can most likely guess. I don't let the subject come up with new people I meet, although the longer I'm friends with someone, the more difficult it typically gets to keep them from talking about it.

I'm not really sure where else to go with this without turning this post into a lengthy tome. Anyone have any questions so I can direct this better?

Well actually, those two friends of mine (they're a couple) tried to set me up with a friend of theirs a couple years ago. Even had I been completely optimistic toward the idea, it wouldn't have worked out - their friend lives 400 miles away and was only visiting for their wedding; the two of them spent a year talking her up to me and insisting I go out with her when she came to town. I did try to set something up with her but just because of various events she was dealing with we didn't have time.

As I implied, I wasn't very optimistic throughout the time leading up to it. I don't think I know anything about how to act on a date or what is expected of me, and I continually reminded them that although I would gladly try, I expected at best nothing would come of it, and at worst I would make myself look like a complete *******. (One thing that bothered me, which I never brought up to them, was their insistence on this one girl who I wouldn't even see for a year - they kept telling me to have confidence in myself at the same time as they were implying that my chances of meeting anyone else I'd have a chance with during that time was zero. Of course, that turned out to be completely correct, but the point was that I didn't see why I should just "be confident in myself" when they obviously thought no girl would be interested in me.)

Anyway, I think they got annoyed by my pessimism then, and even now several years later, I feel really bad about the idea of asking them for help again. I feel like they'll just tell me I didn't appreciate their help last time and I was more trouble than I was worth, so why should they want to help me now? I feel like if I am ever going to be capable of having a relationship, I have to do it by myself and without any help because I feel like I don't deserve help.

Sling,
Hi and welcome to the forum. I thought your post was fine. I do think your friends were a bit short sighted and unfair when they implied that your chances of meeting another was nil. I think ANY person has a decent chance of connecting with another at almost any point in their day, as long as they are moving about in their world.

Many folks lack confidence in one or more ways. That's a very human trait. I think you were right to express pessimism for their behavior. Their implications sent you a mixed message and it bothered you. I see that as sensible.

You're very articulate with words and I do agree that you can reach out and find someone, on your own. You might want to rethink some of your present friends if they make you feel unworthy in any way. You're NOT. Every, single one of us are worthy. Different ? Yes, but still worthy.

I recently started doing some "sorting" of my friends. I've found that I've changed and so have they. Neither is right or wrong, we just have differences now.

What are some of your favorite likes and dislikes?

Sling said:

... I continually reminded them that although I would gladly try, I expected at best nothing would come of it, and at worst I would make myself look like a complete *******. ...

Click to expand...

Someone from 400 miles away who is going to be in town briefly for a wedding in another year. I don't think i would have any expectations either, other than maybe the chance to meet someone new.

Welcome to the forum.

Minus said:

Sling said:

... I continually reminded them that although I would gladly try, I expected at best nothing would come of it, and at worst I would make myself look like a complete *******. ...

Click to expand...

Someone from 400 miles away who is going to be in town briefly for a wedding in another year. I don't think i would have any expectations either, other than maybe the chance to meet someone new.

Welcome to the forum.

Click to expand...

That's right, Sling. I don't see how a relationship with this random girl from 400 miles away could amount to much anyway. I don't think your friends were looking out for you very well if they would only let you focus on this one girl instead of building up your confidence, character, and date skill for all the other girls that live right in your area. I wouldn't go to them for help anyway, and I don't think this situation was ever your fault. Anyway, welcome to the forum. I hope you find some pals and good times times here! ^^

hey sling

nina is right, being different is good but not worthless... like this quote "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." by Oscar Wilde. also there is no such as perfect, unless you being true to yourself and who you are, i think thats perfect enough.

if you have any interest or hobbies, perhaps there are club in your local area and why not to join them? you might meet new friends who you will have common with or you could try something new... at the same time, you build new confidence and new friends, and take some time if you want.

I'm moving across town in a month, to an area that tends to have a lot more activity going on than where I am currently (I've been in my current place for about 6 years now). Maybe I can use the move as an opportunity to find something new to do there.

I never really have trouble talking to people. I don't even have that much trouble asking girls out, really. When I decide to do it, I kind of have to work myself up to it, but once I decide to I typically do, I don't chicken out or anything. The problem is getting positive responses. Maybe I'm not presenting myself properly. Or maybe I'm just not good-looking. I got into a conversation with a friend of mine (same one that tried to set me up, around the same time actually) on the subject, she asked if I thought I was unattractive and I said yes. She told me I am attractive but considering she's my friend and she wanted to make me feel better, what else would she say? (Even though she swore up and down she meant it and wasn't just being nice.)

She tells me that looks aren't the only thing that matters, but then again, she's harped a thousand times about how her friend's husband doesn't deserve her and the only reason she ever cites is that she's too good-looking for him. I questioned her on that, and she said there were other reasons she feels that way, but she didn't go into them.

Obviously, looks do matter - I'm not above it; I can be friends with anyone if I like who they are, but how do you have a relationship if there isn't some kind of physical attraction? I feel like maybe I'm not attractive. (I'm healthy, not overweight, and very hygienic, so it's none of the obvious things that I can think of.)