Once it starts, does the pain ever end?

Hello everybody. Sorry to have to be here amongst you all & bringing my bag load of missery with me, but i just needed somewhere to clear my mind, to leave some words, just to feel 'something' apart from this pain inside.

Its my first post, so i hope i've put this in the right place. Cant think straight in all my confusion right now.


Does the pain we get from messed up relationships ever go again? I feel so lost, abandoned, used & confused by the women i have met over the past year. This feeling is killing me. Im not strong enough to cope with it all

i waited for nearly 40 years to find somebody (no, i dont live underground, it just happened that way). A random meeting led me to 'eventually' start a wonderful 2 month 'dodgy' relationship with a lady, my 1st ever relationship i was dragged in, seduced on my first visit, and then led along such a confusing road to nowhere, that Einstein would have given up on it all.

in my pain, i desperatly hung on, obeyed her every request, always in the hope i would be allowed a hug again (crazy eh?), and when it all got too much to cope with, i eventually found another lady 'online' accidentely. I tried desperately to end my lonliness with my new friend, whos very life seemed to depend on my being here to talk to, and what happens?

dropped without any warning

Both have told me i am sooo georgous & caring & wonderful, yet in both situations, there is big barriers placed, and i am now seriously left thinking - is this what i am going to have done every time i reach out to another?

I dont feel i can ever trust anybody again but inside, i feel i MUST be wrong feeling that. I am just posting this now, to try to help myself clear my mind. I feel soooo lost in it all.


Can somebody much wiser than me tell me if this is what i get forever? or does the pain fade as time goes by?
I was dropped last week, but only confirmed today. I'd like to think i only have to hang on for a month, or maybe 6

And really, should i bother ever again? But how do we hide from it? Love and desperation and lonliness seem to have very powerful magic.

*snuffles*
*cries*
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(i've just made a brief message here, missing lots of details, cos i don't want it to put anybody to sleep reading it if anybody will).

Best Wishes to us all.

Women can be so fickle. They don't seem to like it when you 'obey every request'. So don't. At least not in her time frame.

I know how you feel...I've been 'dropped' without warning too by my last ex, though it was sort of my fault. Pain only seems to go away for me when I find someone new. Not that I am thinking of her much, it's just I tend to stay this way. Anyways, welcome to the website!

Lostandconfused ………..gosh; life is SOMETHING! Lol, it’s so weird (at a first glance..and maybe even a third) how things turn out.

Does the pain ever end…the pain could last for years or months, then go away .then come back…it depends on how things work out for you. You say you won’t be able to trust anyone again..because of how my life happened..I don’t think that I have ever trusted anyone in this life.

Thing is you are going to have to trust people to certain extents….the more you get hurt the easier it is to guard yourself in certain ways (at least for a lot of people)..

I know sometimes we feel like we’ve gotten as much as we can possibly take and even more…and the world doesnt give a dam because they still give us more…..I know

But still you are here. You are alive….so give it your best shot….don’t worry too much about the past, or the future…turn on the radio and dance in the shower to your favorite song…cry, cry, cry your heart out but don’t be too sad while doing that….Post, post like you’re going mad..let your voice be heard…take the chances and let life do the rest..

And most of all don’t worry….somehow peace will come to you...whether it last or not…who knows..

For me the stuff that helps is writing, listening to music…doing things that you love…HEY! I don’t have all (OR ANY) of the answers…but I could relate to the feeling put into your post

It’s so unfortunate that the good guys/girls are the ones who end-up getting taken advantage of in relationships…but they say a man can only be good if good is put into him…so in some why ; for you to be the person you are…you are/ have been blessed. Those people who hurt you..were not blessed like you! So be grateful for that…and its okay to cry lostandconfused….

People are…people are good, we do good things every day, we have religions that preach to us about being good. But at the end of the day we seek to take care of ourselves before others …we do this in different ways (believe me) …but it something we do. That’s why you have to be careful who you trust…but you will be okay…don’t hurt too much…it’s never worth it…and may friends with people who you can talk to….whether over the net (well I find the net to be the best place for that) or not..

The pain will pass...if you can find a way to let it pass…if you can find your beauty! It takes time though…don’t ever rush life…just take in…take it all in…good bad, bad…everything…

Lol this is me in a good mood (don’t wish to see my other mood..lol) oh welcome!

Let me tell you, man, I ask myself that same question all the time. In fact, I wish I had some pain. Without love it's hard to feel anything anymore. I would rather have the worst fight with my ex than sit here with this emptiness in my soul.

I'm 23. I met my first girlfriend in my first year of college. I fell in love with her at first sight. Our relationship was great at first but went on the rocks after a while. We were together for 2 and a half years. She became a part of me. But because of many factors it just wasn't working. I ended up breaking up with her without any remorse. Only after a few months alone did I realize what an awesome girl she was and all the things she had done and would have done for me. I felt like I threw a diamond away. Just before I graduated I tried to get back with her. She said she didn't love me anymore and she thought I needed to see more people.

Hearing "I don't love you anymore" from someone you love is the worst pain in the world. I'm convinced of it. I felt like I died that day. I swore there would be no recovery for my soul. I couldn't see life past her. And what made it worse is that I threw it away voluntarily. The pain stretched on for months and months afterwards. It wasn't until I fell in love with another girl that the pain finally went away. I spent 2 years trying to get near her (oh, the frustration!). And when I tried to ask her out she was already taken. The last time I saw her was when she was going home with her boyfriend. I wanted to die that day.

So that's where I am. A good love thrown away and a love that was never returned. Both of them haunt me a lot. Even though it's been 3 years since I broke up with my first girl I still think about her at times. I heard she has a boyfriend and she's obviously moved past me. I'm just a memory. I wouldn't say I'm in pain. I wish I was. I just can't feel anything. I've been very depressed. I consulted with a wise teacher about all this and you know what he told me?

Once you love someone you always do. They take a piece of you.

So does the pain go away? From my experience it doesn't seem to. You don't wake up with that nagging stomach. But when you sit down and think back you miss them. You love their memory. And if you truly loved them you always sort of will. The only thing you can do is find a distraction. Like another woman. Spend some nights with some friends. Throw yourself into a hobby. The last thing you need to do though is lay around and swim in the pain. I've been doing that for a long time.

I too have found it hard to trust someone else. I look at all these girls out there and it doesn't seem I can trust them to not hurt me. A lot of heartless people around. I don't know what to tell you about that. The only thing I can tell you is that if you don't at least try to trust someone you'll never be happy. You'll never get that love back in your life if you're not willing to reach out there. I try to tell myself that all the time and look at me: it's 10pm on a Saturday and I'm on this forum.

But you know what else? There's a girl probably thinking the same thing right now. So go find her. Where? I don't know. But she's sure as hell not in your room. And keep checking back on the forums. We all understand where you are.

Hope that helps.

what That Guy said was so true word for word..he writes so well...it's true the pain can last forever...it depends on how your life goes..how you grow to see them/ her... that guy can express himself..reading that post helped (well me...)

That Guy said:

I'm 23. I met my first girlfriend in my first year of college. I fell in love with her at first sight. Our relationship was great at first but went on the rocks after a while. We were together for 2 and a half years. She became a part of me. But because of many factors it just wasn't working. I ended up breaking up with her without any remorse. Only after a few months alone did I realize what an awesome girl she was and all the things she had done and would have done for me. I felt like I threw a diamond away. Just before I graduated I tried to get back with her. She said she didn't love me anymore and she thought I needed to see more people.

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Creepy, that's my situation word for word almost. Except I was 17, she was 15... it lasted a year and a half. It took only one month for realization to set in with me... I just realized I was lonely and I couldn't just call her up and meet up with her to go for a walk or something. It was over, she'd moved on and I was left stuck in a rut.

That Guy said:

...And what made it worse is that I threw it away voluntarily.

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I suffered the same feelings... I'd broke up with her because I felt our differences were causing us to fight. I was just to young and insecure at that time to realize that even in great relationships there are bound to be arguments.

That Guy said:

Once you love someone you always do. They take a piece of you.

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That teacher is wise... I still often think of my ex. I have had three girlfriends since, none lasting more than a couple weeks to a month due to my being on the move so often (I find long distance relationships hard to keep together for very long). Though one of those relationships I really felt was cut short and I wish I had kept in contact with that girl, she was very kind and caring toward others. It's been 10 years and I still think about my original ex once and awhile. Though now it's more fond memories than pain. I love her, and will always love her, and I wish only the best for her in life. It took me a year minus two weeks to finally have the pain subside enough for me to function and I had to meet another girl and go out a few times for that to happen.

Oh, another thing I did at the end of that year I took everything she had ever given me... all the love notes, the little trinkets, the gifts, the pictures, everything and made a fire. It tore me apart to do it, but I felt I needed that closure to start to heal. I watched all the things that brought back the memories of our short lives together burning away to ash. I still felt depressed afterward, but at least there was nothing around the house that would make me break down the instant I looked at it. The next week was the party where I met another girl. The relationship wasn't the same at all, it wasn't even very long-lasting, but with her we sort of mutually broke up and everything was good, no pain. We even got together a year later to hang out for a night. Whether she knows it or not, spending a couple nights out partying with her really helped me get out of my one year rut after my first ex.

So healing unfortunately takes time, acceptance that the relationship has ended, and acceptance that life has to move on... but with time you will be able to keep living your life and even enjoy it without suffering the constant sickening pain.

Oh, just a side note, that time in my life I refer to in my own mind as the Great Depression... that year after the breakup was the worst I have ever felt in my entire life to date... and there have been some pretty bad events in some of the years after, but none effected me quite so painfully.

Thanks, Jales.

WoW, hey, thanks for the replies everybody

i didn't expect any response, and yet so many people have dropped by. So, i really do mean it - thanks for reading, and extra big thanks to everybody who has left me something to help me along.

Snow - I think that is part of where i went wrong with my 1st 'ex'. I gave everything i had for 6 months, and got less & less back as the time moved on. I was even 'happy' to get a cell-txt from her at 5am, and promptly replied to it again (that happened twice). What does confuse me is, even after getting left, she still said (just last month on MSN) that 'everybody' should have a person like me to keep them happy :-o maybe people like this do keep themselves happy by destroying a mans life? In which case, yep, i am getting good at that (im laughing on the inside, honest).
I think an important point here is, that a person must keep in mind, the more you push a lover away, the more they may panic and cling on to what they still need.

Jales - thanks for the honesty there my friend. I have had too many people just say things like "its cos it was your 1st g/f" or "its been a month, get over it!" etc. Seven years ago, i even moved house just to break my memories of a 'friend' & that was all she was - but i still felt so bad 4 months later. Am i soppy or what ? I will know when im past the loss, but i do understand its gonna take me a while.
Im not sure if us being 'blessed' is the term i'd use though maybe cursed instead? I do try to keep busy, but for now, im in that state were i just cant move without seeing or feeling a memory, and i crack up for a while. Yep, i have always said its OK to cry, male or female - what would we do if we couldn't have that?
(and if you ain't in a good mood, let me know so i can hide under this desk)

That Guy - i can understand so much of what you wrote. I called it pain in the main heading, but deep inside, i don't know - it's just like there's nothing left of me, an aching, the pain seems to be outside of the emptyness (i sound mad i think).
I understand what you mean about preferring to be arguing than have nothing. Maybe because at least then we have something tangible to focus on? and I'm told that making up later is a nice part of a relationship? (i never got that far with either of mine).
Im sad to hear that you ended your own relationship & went thru that 'realisation', but i guess there's just no precise way of making our decisions is there? it can be a good or bad one every day.
I found my 2nd 'ex' because she helped me thru my first break-up, then we fell for each other over the Internet. It confuses me that right up until the last day, she constantly told me she was in love with me. Then >bang< gone, nothing. She has shown me that no matter how much somebody gives that impression, its likely to just be nonsense. The reality of that 'relationship' wasnt real anyway, as we dont live anywhere near each other, but its hit me hard that i have lost a long-distance friend so fast. Despite everything, i still wish her all the best i can with her new boyfriend. Maybe this was for the best? i cannot say. but i will never understand why she let me see her kissing him during our final MSN chat *cries*

That last paragraph you wrote cracked me up laughing whoever she may be, she is 'definately' not in my room!! Yes, your words here, and everybody elses have helped a lot. It's bad to be totally alone, but here, at least we have somebody to talk to.

(sorry my post is going on & on for so long)

Lost In The Oilfield - I wonder about this lonliness thing, i've felt it for as long as i can remember. Just always felt i needed a female companion from about 9 years old. Maybe thats why i was too clingy last year? i had to wait just too long? (im 40 now, got 1st girlfriend/disaster last year)
I think i'm gonna have great difficulty forgetting my first girfriend, cos she lives down the road next to my home and she still contacts me if she needs something fixing, or is feeling lonely. I suppose allowing that to continue is a bad idea, but i don't feel i've got anything else to fall back on just now. Sorry to hear about the 'Great Depression' you mentioned, and i do hope that no matter what, you never get to feel anything like that again.

Regarding setting fire to things, hmmmm, i've not got anything. Only PC fotos, and all saved conversations, so i just need to delete all that maybe Hey, does that mean i'm more enviromentally friendly when i get dumped ?


Seriously though, thank you all so much for your comments here. I've been far too upset to get back to the PC soon after i registered, but i will drop by more as i get myself back together. Tonight, im sat here at 4am, so im definately going to sleep ok tonight. And then i will see what tomorrow throws at me.


Thank you, and my very best wishes to everybody.

Hey Lost,

I feel your pain!

I know how confusing relationships can be...and how so many people enjoy the chase part of it, but the real work of the relationship bores them. It's so painful! Some people are more into head games than real human connection. Don't let the bastards grind you down!

Hugs,

LG.

lostandconfused said:

I called it pain in the main heading, but deep inside, i don't know - it's just like there's nothing left of me, an aching, the pain seems to be outside of the emptyness (i sound mad i think).

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Not at all. I'm pretty sure I had much the same pain during the first year after my big breakup... it eventually became a physical problem. I had got in contact with my ex and she agreed we should get together as friends to talk and catchup... nothing mentioned of getting back together... I was so excited after a couple months of constantly thinking of her. That evening when I called her she decided she didn't feel up for it and had a soccer game she'd promised to go see anyway. I was so heartbroken I skipped supper... I hadn't eaten that great all day because I was so excited. The next morning I was physically sick and threw up while trying to eat my cereal. I had to call in sick to work. Emotional stress and pain can develop into physical pain as well, and I don't think the pain is the emptiness... I found the emptiness was more depression, whereas the pain I felt in my gut seemed more associated with thinking about my ex and felt definitely physical not just in my head.

lostandconfused said:

...but i will never understand why she let me see her kissing him during our final MSN chat *cries*

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That just sounds downright cruel. Maybe to her it was her twisted way of showing you that she is happy? Who knows but hearing that made me very, very angry!

lostandconfused said:

I think i'm gonna have great difficulty forgetting my first girfriend, cos she lives down the road next to my home and she still contacts me if she needs something fixing, or is feeling lonely. I suppose allowing that to continue is a bad idea, but i don't feel i've got anything else to fall back on just now.

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Well, while in my own case I felt the need to distance myself, and moved far far away to go to college the following year, I can't say for sure if it's a bad idea for you to keep in touch or not.
In my brothers case he broke up with the girl he had a child with, waited a few years and relationships later, then got back together with her. I know other couples that break up and get back together all the time. I never had that happen in my own life, but I don't want to give advice that may prevent it from happening in yours. Besides, if you have her around a little maybe it'll give you some reprieve from suffering if only for a short time while your fixing something for her, or just being there when she's lonely... whatever the case, don't let it prevent you from trying again with other girls...

O and with your concern about age:
At the age of 99 my grandfather managed to get a girlfriend that was only 89 years old... that was after losing his wife to cancer in his mid 50s. They eventually moved in together to support each other. So it's never to late to date.

Another one... my cousin who is 39 had a rough breakup in high school... the girl got with him just to get closer to his older brother. He was so jaded by the experience it took him 20+ years to find someone else. He's now married to a very wonderful girl that's only 23 years old and is about to have his baby.

From the way you write on here I get the impression that you are kind-hearted, sensitive guy and there is bound to be a woman out there that will love you for who you are and either despite, or because of your age.

Take care lostandconfused, and keep happy!

Everyone specially lostandconfused and of course thatGuy i feel for you I really do.

Hows this i have this highschool friend when I was 15 , she was sweet and kind to me in a long run I fall for her, but she has boyfriend I cherished every moment with her even though i didnt tell her how i feel, years past we graduated highschool and she graduate college at age 21, and i was 21 having relationships while still inlove with her until 22 i finally accepted that her happiness means more to me that anything else even im not part of it so i let go, in short I loved her for 7 years, for me it took that long to realize it might take longer for u guys but eventually ul realize to love someone is to let go and see them happy even in someone else arm the greatest sacrifice of all i learned that. yes TIME will heal all wounds no matter how long it take

Mister D, lol, same sentiments too. Like I said in one of my previous post, to love someone is to see them being happy. That is the true meaning of love. Maybe, you and her can't be lovers this life, but you have to let it go...move on, that my friend is truly loving her. =)

Yea sadrabbit. took me long time to realize in love theres always a winner and a loser but even being a loser is a winner when u see someone u love happy