an older loner ..........

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Ninjacat

Member
Joined
Nov 2, 2010
Messages
21
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Location
United Kingdom
Hi, just found this site, I always traul the net looking for sites where there may be other people like me.
I'm a mature lady with a grown family, and it saddens me to read just how many young people there are out there who feel terribly lonely too, it seems so sad.

I'm in a bad relationship but can't get out for financial reasons, my children have fled the nest and I hardly see them anymore, I grew up alone, raised my family alone after a disasterous marriage ended in divorce, it seems all I've done all my life has been alone.

I've tried the usual stuff, join groups, learn something new etc. etc., but it really doesnt work, most people go to these things with a partner or a friend and no one wants to talk afterwards, sometimes I've found people positively hostile.

The early hours are the worst - the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming (thank goodness for the computer) I tell myself it will pass, and it does after a while, but I would like someone to talk to, a 'virtual' hand-holder as it were, I've come a long way through life, but loneliness still hurts.

I keep trying new things, I've taught myself French, I've qualified as a Graphologist, I'm a Reiki Healer, have built a couple of websites and lots lots more, but no one ever says 'well done'.

Anyway, I'm off to have a look around the site now
thanks for listening.
 
Welcome to the site Ninja, :)

It sounds like you do deserve an Official, "WELL DONE" for all the things you've tried and accomplished. I'm 42 and work as an artist from home so if you ever want to reach out in pm I can be a decent hand holder...
Enjoy cruising around the site. There are a LOT of wonderful folks in here...
 
Hey.

i agree with Nina, you do deserve quite abit more than a "well done"!
it seem to be a fighter, someone that does not easily gives up. all the things you have accomplished speak volumes, at least for me.

i know what you mean about the early hours being lonely, overwhelmingly painful and hard to get through. i cannot but hope that with time, you will find a solution, something to hold on to, something to keep you happy. companionship, friendship.
you sound like an interesting person. i hope it gets easier for you.
 
Ninjacat said:
Hi, just found this site, I always traul the net looking for sites where there may be other people like me.
I'm a mature lady with a grown family, and it saddens me to read just how many young people there are out there who feel terribly lonely too, it seems so sad.

I'm in a bad relationship but can't get out for financial reasons, my children have fled the nest and I hardly see them anymore, I grew up alone, raised my family alone after a disasterous marriage ended in divorce, it seems all I've done all my life has been alone.

I've tried the usual stuff, join groups, learn something new etc. etc., but it really doesnt work, most people go to these things with a partner or a friend and no one wants to talk afterwards, sometimes I've found people positively hostile.

The early hours are the worst - the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming (thank goodness for the computer) I tell myself it will pass, and it does after a while, but I would like someone to talk to, a 'virtual' hand-holder as it were, I've come a long way through life, but loneliness still hurts.

I keep trying new things, I've taught myself French, I've qualified as a Graphologist, I'm a Reiki Healer, have built a couple of websites and lots lots more, but no one ever says 'well done'.

Anyway, I'm off to have a look around the site now
thanks for listening.

A warm and welcome hello to you as well...It sounds like we were born joined at the hip! I too am older and experienced the same as you as to always being alone and w/ the family situation. When I went to college (late in life) I had a book bag that said "I'm in search of myself-have you seen me". Wow-that really sumed things up for me-hit the nail right on the head and may apply to many here on this site. Recently I read a quote (don't remember where -sometimers disease lol) it said that a person who needs nothing has everything. I think there is a lot of truth there, and so we go on searching. Hang in there-and the ppl here will lift you up as they have done me and I'm very thankful to all of you. You may email or pm me any time loner and perhaps you maybe able to change you handle to "surrounded". In a good way. ((((((loner))))) hugs to you.
 
I am glad that you decided to join us Ninjacat. Hopefully this can be a place to help distract you during some of those lonely times.
 
Hi again and thank you for the welcomes and kind words ........ early hours this morning were particularly bad ......... the lonely feelings seem to be engulfing me and turning into panic now - I look out of the window and there isn't a single light on anywhere, it's very surreal at that time in the morning, I feel it's me against the world.

I've been having 'thoughts' I wouldn't decribe them as 'dark' thoughts, just thinking practically - would anyone really miss me if I weren't here ? the answer is always 'no'

My partner doesn't even notice I have a pulse - and I do mean that, I recently left him for 6 days and he didn't even realise I'd gone ! how hurtful/destructive is that ?

I've been through a lot of experiences in life and feel I have a lot to offer, but if no one wants it - what can you do ? I always seem to be singled out though when someone wants a shoulder to cry on, then when I've listened and comforted they are on there way without a thank you, but when I need 'sollace' everyone is just too busy.

I walk a lot for excercise and to be out in the air, but sometimes when I'm driving and sitting at a busy junction I think again ' would anyone really miss me ? it would only take a second to pull out in front of the next lorry' - but then that's not fair on the lorry driver is it, think how it would destroy his life and his family's ?

I don't have the guts to take tablets it would take too long I think.

I do believe however, that we have a purpose in life, and that is to reproduce ourselves, nurture the family, provide a home etc., but when that's done, we really are surplus to requirements, a burden, someone that 'has' to be remembered on Mother's day, a chore, etc. etc., I really dont want to be the 'old dear' who is wheeled out every Christmas, given a silly hat with a plate of Christmas Pudding and sat in the corner - all out of misplaced duty.

I know of many people whose families still rally around them and they are well esconsed in the family scene so I don't think they would feel this way, I wonder if they realise how lucky they are ? To be shut out is an awful thing.

My days are spent in stoney silence, my partner literally doesn't speak at all apart from things like 'it's for you' if the phone rings, or 'what's for dinner' it's not very inspirational.

I feel my soul is crushed and my spirit broken.

I feel so very much for all the younger people on this site, after all they have their whole lives in front of them, I really hope they find what they are looking for, whether it's a partner, companionship, a reason to go on, whatever, but I'm at the other end of the scale now - 65 - albeit a young 65 ! but no -one wants us oldies you know. :(

Ninjacat

me again -
I've just read my last post again and it sounds so full of self pity - didn't mean it to come across like that, just putting my feelings into words - so sorry for that.

I think this site is brilliant, and it's comforting to know I'm not alone, I've spent a lot of time trawling through, there are a lot of sad and lonely people 'out there', and if I can be of any help - I'm a good listener I'm told, I'm also a counsellor although I don't 'work' at it now, but I have a lot of lifes experiences to draw from and I would be glad to 'be there' for someone else - it's just a shame we can't heal ourselves isn't it ?

Thank you all
Ninjacat
 
Ninjacat said:
My partner doesn't even notice I have a pulse - and I do mean that, I recently left him for 6 days and he didn't even realise I'd gone ! how hurtful/destructive is that ?

Oh wow, really. I figured that i could fall off the face of the earth and the first one to notice would be the landlord when he didn't get his rent at the end of the month. Still i have the luxury of thinking that i may be wrong. To have a partner not realize that you were gone has to be rather unsettling.
 
Don't feel bad about putting your feelings into words. Welcome like. I agree with whoever said you sound like you deserve a medal.
(And I don't say that lightly, sounds like a fookin hard life you've had)
Dunno what to suggest, I'm lonely and don't like it but sometimes I find more peace in the quiet at night -no pressure from the night to be social. I'm sory about your partner - sounds like a honeysuckle situation to be in.
Have you thought about volunteering? it's a good way to get meeting and talking to people in a place where you're needed so automatically fit in a bit.
That's if you have time and are able and everything...
 
hell when I was married I joined Parents Without Partners (for real) cause he never partisipated in any thing the kids and I did-talk about feeling unnoticed...
 
Hi again,
I've had a bad few days so stayed away -
Jicky - I notice you said 'when I 'was' married' - I take it you aren't now then ? I love the slogan on your bag by the way !

Well at 4 am this morning, I left the house - because it's really so bad now that I can't bear to be here when he's in and getting ready for work - the atmosphere is really chokingly thick and it's like a physical thing for me, I 'really' do feel ill when I'm in his company, he's brought me down so much, I just can't breathe when he's around, and I just want to give up everything.

When I'm in alone, it's different, my spirits lift, a little of my old spark comes back and my enthusiasm for life shines again - this is something that you can't 'fake' - it's obvious I have to get away and soon ! My body and soul are telling me so.

Needless to say he hasn't even noticed again that I wasn't there, I mean if I found him gone I would be worried, I would want to find out where he was and if he was OK, I would phone his mobile, I wouldn't rest until I knew what was wrong - so what do I get ? nothing - zero - zilch -the kitchen smelled of a cooked breakfast, the bath needs cleaning etc. etc., in other words, he just carried on as normal - I could have been lying in the road or at the bottom of the river for all he knew - but - nothing !!

All this makes me feel about as wanted as a dose of the *** !!

I could go on and on but I'm sure you've got the picture, everyday is the same - on top of all this he has admitted that he is a 'psychological vampire' - an 'emotional leach' and just sucks the life force and my energy away to make him feel better, leaving me a drained wreck.

I know I must do something and quickly to save my sanity and I belive - my life ! I don't know what right now though, I'm dependant on him financially, but I'm going to enquire about benefits, it's got to be better to struggle financially if I get to keep my sanity and my soul can breathe again.

sorry for the rant
Ninjacat
 
Awww Ninjacat....I too am mature, and I too have been in a relationship that sucked the life out of me. I put up with stuff I never thought I would all for the sake of a warm body and not to be lonely. Didn't work. I was lonely anyway, just as you are. From your language I am deducing you are in Europe. Too bad. It would be great to start a "mature lonely women" club but I am in the US so not to be. I feel your pain and yes, you NEED to leave, which is easier said than done. Two years later I am still trying not to obsess everyday about him. He moved on five months into our three year marriage. I need to move on two years after our marriage but I am stuck with no support group, family that could give a crap less and a so-called friend that sucked out my heart and support when she was going through her own personal hell these last few months but can't take the time to help me get back to my roots by moving cross country. So.....get on with what you need to do. There are many nice people here. I may not know them but at least I know I am not alone in this dark pit of loneliness. I am not as bitter as I sound. It's just a bad morning. I really do mean it when I say there are some very supportive and lovely people on this site.
 
Hey nanjacat-thanks for your kind words ref: my bag lol. He has already left you emotionally-for sure and one day you may find him gone forever leaving you holding the bag. It is imperative that you start now making your plans to survive. Don't they have Hostels ( I hope I spelled that correctly) in Europe? Very low cost to stay in. They are in a lot of cities through out. Check it out, please. I had not one dime to my nane when I left my husband. We (myself and three young children) went to a Womens Shelter in another county. I kept asking myself what is it I'm feeling. I needed to idenfiy that feeling. Guess what? That wonderful feeling was releif OMG-yes releif. We don't realize just how much stress we are suffering until the stresser is gone-truely it is true. Stress can also make you physically ill-been there done that. And you too will find your way. You have have survived this situation and you will survive the next but I'm sure it will be more positive in every way-go for it girl. We ended up on food Stamp (Welfare) I got my GED and then at the age of 37 went to collage and graduated-yes it took yrs but what else to make good use of time. Sorry didn't mean to ramble on so... You are welcome to PM or email me ninjacat. I would love to hear from you anytime. All the best to you.
 
Hi Ninjacat
I can only relate in terms of so called work friends who seem ok one day and totally ignore me the next..like i dont exist.
Anyway welcome to the forum.
 
Hi Ninjacat,
Happy Birthday !!

Please realize it's not really true that "no one wants us oldies". The view that we are here to reproduce & nurture our young, and then our part is done ...well that's really only the view through one particular lens (the biological lens).

I am an older lady whose youngest child just moved out almost two years ago; I can relate in some regards to how you're feeling but it sounds to me as though your man is a dead weight on you emotionally. Maybe you can stay with him for the time being but start emotionally disengaging and preparing to leave.


 
Happy BIrthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to NinjaCat. Happy Birthday to you. Now in your head, make a wish and blow out your candles. Shhhhhh don't tell your wish, just make it happen. Hope you have a fabulous day of your own making.
 

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