windowsill
Member
I've been like this all my life, but I haven't gotten used to it. Each time I go out in public, it's just as hard as the last time, it doesn't get better. The only time in life where it didn't hurt so much was when I was a kid, and had friends, I was even a bit naive to my ugliness, people didn't really tease me to my face about it. As I got older, it got harder, we all know how teenagers are, those teen years were the beginning of hell for me. I honestly haven't had a real friend since I've been 14 years old. 11 years have gone by as one depressive blur of time. Things have just gotten worse year after year, I'm socially crippled now, I can't even spend 10 minutes in a store without having a panic attack, I can't even stand next to someone for more than a minute or two without getting a panic attack. Theres so many 'can'ts' in my life, I can't work because I'm so ****** up, I can't get therapy because I'm too broke, I can't go to school because I'm so ****** up. I've been looking for jobs where there isn't much interaction with people involved, like holding up a sign or something, I hope I get one.
The main reason I have all this anxiety is because my face is ******, and I've lost touch with people, if I never left my home town and all my friends, I might have been different. They knew me since I was a child, they accepted me regardless, life would be bearable having a few people that see you for you, I fantasize on what could have been all the time. I see these guys on facebook, I see all the reunions, all the friendships that lasted over the years and it hurts to know that it could have been me in those photos, hanging out, being atleast a little happy. Now I have to build a life on my own, with so many mental issues, so many scars, it seems so daunting. besides my anxiety attacks, its awkward alone just being around me, it's not like I can go to a bar, sit next to someone and spark up a conversation without them being weirded out a bit by my face. My plan is to get cosmetic surgery done, as soon as I get enough money, I think that's the only way life will get bearable for me. If I had one friend this past 10 years, maybe I would think different about having a future looking like I do, but not one person has connected with me all this time, I was a social pariah in high school, I was the guy that sat at the lunch table by himself every day, I guess it was social suicide to be caught talking to me or something.
Speaking of suicide, I've flirted with it a few times over the past 10 years, as recently as a few months ago, I seriously thought about it again. I made a huge fool of myself posting not so cryptic status's on facebook, 'the end is near' etc lol. To this day people still remind me of that episode, you really should be smart about what you post on the internet lol. Even though I can laugh about it now, it's a reminder how hard it's been, I had a breakdown over the state of my life, I couldn't handle the bleak future ahead of me, most of all, I couldn't handle the loneliness. At this point I don't think I'll ever really kill myself, i can't die like this, so crummy and beaten down, I have to make it to the other side. More and more I fantasize about the life I want, having my own place, a few friends, being happy.
Well on the proactive side, i do get out more than I have been in recent years, I go running alot now, it gets a little nerve racking crossing other joggers on the path sometimes, that reminds me how much work I have to do. I can go places, I'm not a complete horrible wreck like I was before but it's not enough, I need more in life, I need some sort of substance. Anyone that has seen me online before, probably already knows this sob story. people must think I'm so lazy and pathetic, dealing with this for such a long time. I do try to be positive alot, I have all typs of meditation books, positivity books, it's just hard to stay positive when ur on ur own all the time. I've been given advice sometimes to go do some volunteering, or go to a meetup or something. the truth is, when you spend so much time alone, whenever you get around people you feel like a creep, I feel like I shouldn't be around people sometimes, like an animal let out of a cage. That idea of myself is personified when people give me weird looks either about my face or the fact that im acting weird when I'm having a panic attack. I don't feel fit to be around, I feel crummy, like a genuine freak. I think about being in a volunteering or support group situation and it scares me, I don't want to be the guy to ruin a situation like that by being extra weird. I don't think most people have seen anyone as socially inept as me, not to mention I'm a pretty big black guy, that already makes most people edgy as is. i remember a few months ago, I was in Kmart and secuity was all over me, I can remember I got panicky walking in, so i went to the gaming section behind the aisles, instead of in the front where everyone was, and security must have gotten suspicious of me. They were shadowing me the entire time I bought my video game, it just made me feel more of that creep feeling that I usually have about myself, it was a letdown, the one time I go out, trying to be brave and it turns into a disaster like that. At this point I'm rambling, going on far too long, but forgive me, it's been so long since i've had a meaningful conversation with anyone about anything of substance, so I'm just unloading all this crap. Most likely I'll feel ashamed of all this emotional crap in this blog, delete my profile, disappear, and comeback some other time, or maybe not. It's 5 :30 am and I dont want to drink or do anything stupid, so I just decided to type to the internet, nothing is gonna come of it anyway. I wanna be strong and grab control of my life, I guess thats the moral of the story, I'm just having trouble doing that, and I need help.
The main reason I have all this anxiety is because my face is ******, and I've lost touch with people, if I never left my home town and all my friends, I might have been different. They knew me since I was a child, they accepted me regardless, life would be bearable having a few people that see you for you, I fantasize on what could have been all the time. I see these guys on facebook, I see all the reunions, all the friendships that lasted over the years and it hurts to know that it could have been me in those photos, hanging out, being atleast a little happy. Now I have to build a life on my own, with so many mental issues, so many scars, it seems so daunting. besides my anxiety attacks, its awkward alone just being around me, it's not like I can go to a bar, sit next to someone and spark up a conversation without them being weirded out a bit by my face. My plan is to get cosmetic surgery done, as soon as I get enough money, I think that's the only way life will get bearable for me. If I had one friend this past 10 years, maybe I would think different about having a future looking like I do, but not one person has connected with me all this time, I was a social pariah in high school, I was the guy that sat at the lunch table by himself every day, I guess it was social suicide to be caught talking to me or something.
Speaking of suicide, I've flirted with it a few times over the past 10 years, as recently as a few months ago, I seriously thought about it again. I made a huge fool of myself posting not so cryptic status's on facebook, 'the end is near' etc lol. To this day people still remind me of that episode, you really should be smart about what you post on the internet lol. Even though I can laugh about it now, it's a reminder how hard it's been, I had a breakdown over the state of my life, I couldn't handle the bleak future ahead of me, most of all, I couldn't handle the loneliness. At this point I don't think I'll ever really kill myself, i can't die like this, so crummy and beaten down, I have to make it to the other side. More and more I fantasize about the life I want, having my own place, a few friends, being happy.
Well on the proactive side, i do get out more than I have been in recent years, I go running alot now, it gets a little nerve racking crossing other joggers on the path sometimes, that reminds me how much work I have to do. I can go places, I'm not a complete horrible wreck like I was before but it's not enough, I need more in life, I need some sort of substance. Anyone that has seen me online before, probably already knows this sob story. people must think I'm so lazy and pathetic, dealing with this for such a long time. I do try to be positive alot, I have all typs of meditation books, positivity books, it's just hard to stay positive when ur on ur own all the time. I've been given advice sometimes to go do some volunteering, or go to a meetup or something. the truth is, when you spend so much time alone, whenever you get around people you feel like a creep, I feel like I shouldn't be around people sometimes, like an animal let out of a cage. That idea of myself is personified when people give me weird looks either about my face or the fact that im acting weird when I'm having a panic attack. I don't feel fit to be around, I feel crummy, like a genuine freak. I think about being in a volunteering or support group situation and it scares me, I don't want to be the guy to ruin a situation like that by being extra weird. I don't think most people have seen anyone as socially inept as me, not to mention I'm a pretty big black guy, that already makes most people edgy as is. i remember a few months ago, I was in Kmart and secuity was all over me, I can remember I got panicky walking in, so i went to the gaming section behind the aisles, instead of in the front where everyone was, and security must have gotten suspicious of me. They were shadowing me the entire time I bought my video game, it just made me feel more of that creep feeling that I usually have about myself, it was a letdown, the one time I go out, trying to be brave and it turns into a disaster like that. At this point I'm rambling, going on far too long, but forgive me, it's been so long since i've had a meaningful conversation with anyone about anything of substance, so I'm just unloading all this crap. Most likely I'll feel ashamed of all this emotional crap in this blog, delete my profile, disappear, and comeback some other time, or maybe not. It's 5 :30 am and I dont want to drink or do anything stupid, so I just decided to type to the internet, nothing is gonna come of it anyway. I wanna be strong and grab control of my life, I guess thats the moral of the story, I'm just having trouble doing that, and I need help.