Why I'm this way, the cause of my loneliness

I've been like this all my life, but I haven't gotten used to it. Each time I go out in public, it's just as hard as the last time, it doesn't get better. The only time in life where it didn't hurt so much was when I was a kid, and had friends, I was even a bit naive to my ugliness, people didn't really tease me to my face about it. As I got older, it got harder, we all know how teenagers are, those teen years were the beginning of hell for me. I honestly haven't had a real friend since I've been 14 years old. 11 years have gone by as one depressive blur of time. Things have just gotten worse year after year, I'm socially crippled now, I can't even spend 10 minutes in a store without having a panic attack, I can't even stand next to someone for more than a minute or two without getting a panic attack. Theres so many 'can'ts' in my life, I can't work because I'm so ****** up, I can't get therapy because I'm too broke, I can't go to school because I'm so ****** up. I've been looking for jobs where there isn't much interaction with people involved, like holding up a sign or something, I hope I get one.

The main reason I have all this anxiety is because my face is ******, and I've lost touch with people, if I never left my home town and all my friends, I might have been different. They knew me since I was a child, they accepted me regardless, life would be bearable having a few people that see you for you, I fantasize on what could have been all the time. I see these guys on facebook, I see all the reunions, all the friendships that lasted over the years and it hurts to know that it could have been me in those photos, hanging out, being atleast a little happy. Now I have to build a life on my own, with so many mental issues, so many scars, it seems so daunting. besides my anxiety attacks, its awkward alone just being around me, it's not like I can go to a bar, sit next to someone and spark up a conversation without them being weirded out a bit by my face. My plan is to get cosmetic surgery done, as soon as I get enough money, I think that's the only way life will get bearable for me. If I had one friend this past 10 years, maybe I would think different about having a future looking like I do, but not one person has connected with me all this time, I was a social pariah in high school, I was the guy that sat at the lunch table by himself every day, I guess it was social suicide to be caught talking to me or something.

Speaking of suicide, I've flirted with it a few times over the past 10 years, as recently as a few months ago, I seriously thought about it again. I made a huge fool of myself posting not so cryptic status's on facebook, 'the end is near' etc lol. To this day people still remind me of that episode, you really should be smart about what you post on the internet lol. Even though I can laugh about it now, it's a reminder how hard it's been, I had a breakdown over the state of my life, I couldn't handle the bleak future ahead of me, most of all, I couldn't handle the loneliness. At this point I don't think I'll ever really kill myself, i can't die like this, so crummy and beaten down, I have to make it to the other side. More and more I fantasize about the life I want, having my own place, a few friends, being happy.

Well on the proactive side, i do get out more than I have been in recent years, I go running alot now, it gets a little nerve racking crossing other joggers on the path sometimes, that reminds me how much work I have to do. I can go places, I'm not a complete horrible wreck like I was before but it's not enough, I need more in life, I need some sort of substance. Anyone that has seen me online before, probably already knows this sob story. people must think I'm so lazy and pathetic, dealing with this for such a long time. I do try to be positive alot, I have all typs of meditation books, positivity books, it's just hard to stay positive when ur on ur own all the time. I've been given advice sometimes to go do some volunteering, or go to a meetup or something. the truth is, when you spend so much time alone, whenever you get around people you feel like a creep, I feel like I shouldn't be around people sometimes, like an animal let out of a cage. That idea of myself is personified when people give me weird looks either about my face or the fact that im acting weird when I'm having a panic attack. I don't feel fit to be around, I feel crummy, like a genuine freak. I think about being in a volunteering or support group situation and it scares me, I don't want to be the guy to ruin a situation like that by being extra weird. I don't think most people have seen anyone as socially inept as me, not to mention I'm a pretty big black guy, that already makes most people edgy as is. i remember a few months ago, I was in Kmart and secuity was all over me, I can remember I got panicky walking in, so i went to the gaming section behind the aisles, instead of in the front where everyone was, and security must have gotten suspicious of me. They were shadowing me the entire time I bought my video game, it just made me feel more of that creep feeling that I usually have about myself, it was a letdown, the one time I go out, trying to be brave and it turns into a disaster like that. At this point I'm rambling, going on far too long, but forgive me, it's been so long since i've had a meaningful conversation with anyone about anything of substance, so I'm just unloading all this crap. Most likely I'll feel ashamed of all this emotional crap in this blog, delete my profile, disappear, and comeback some other time, or maybe not. It's 5 :30 am and I dont want to drink or do anything stupid, so I just decided to type to the internet, nothing is gonna come of it anyway. I wanna be strong and grab control of my life, I guess thats the moral of the story, I'm just having trouble doing that, and I need help.

Hi windowsill.

First of all, I think you're blowing your "social ineptness" out of proportions here. When I read your post, I can easily tell you aren't socially retarded. You obviously show symptoms of social anxiety, which was something I suffered from for years. Maybe I wasn't too deep or whatever, but the way out was way easier than I'd imagine.

I don't know what has happened to your face, but you need to understand that grown up people do not care about how your face looks. Now I'm sure everytime you see people looking at you, your mind tells you that they probably hate you, and laugh at you. Thats your mind speaking, not them.

Your face is NOT a problem in getting friends. Thats just me stating a FACT. I'm not gonna tell you to not care about your face, because I don't understand how it is to live with it, but that is not what's stopping you from getting friends! What you need to change is your state of mind. You are obviously having problems and being socially succesfull is hard when you have problems in general.

Are you having a weight problem? In either case, its great that you go out jogging. Its great for both mental and physical reasons. If you do have a weight problem, get serious about losing the weight. As a matter of fact, get serious about everything you know you should do. I went for years feeling I never met expectations, then I just said that I'm gonna meet those expectations, both from others and myself. I did, and I continue on doing so - And it worked wonders in every part of my life.

This was kind of a messy post, I'm sorry. I just hope you understand that how you look is never going to be a problem in making friends. Never.

Oh windowsill <3
You are obviously feeling a lot of fear and self-hatred. Your whole post seems to be filled with negativity directed towards yourself. And don't be ashamed by it! Stick here with us... Maybe in time we can change the way you feel, with the help of the forum. The more you spill, the more others can help and understand. I find that people who open up are very brave, so I don't think "Oh look how sad he is" - I highly, highly respect you.
You will find people in your life who don't look at your face and think it's a problem, I for one don't see what the matter is and I haven't seen you... But why should seeing someone be the basis of how you're going to act towards them? In the end, the people who look, the people who don't like what they see, and most importantly, the people who decide not to befriend you based on what they see, are the problem themselves. You feel like YOU are different, like YOU are the bad one, but how? Anybody who reacts negatively to the surface looks of others obviously need to open their eyes, grow up, and stop being so superficial. These are the people NOT to befriend.

I've had panic attacks before, I suffered for years - Being out in public was terrible, and I still fear it for fear of having panic attacks. My world is still full of fear to this day.

However.. Can I recommend a book to you? It is the BEST self-help book I have ever read - The Fear Book by Cheri Huber.

As she says herself in the book, the more you let fear consume you, your world gets smaller and smaller. The more you take a step towards fear, to embrace fear, your world gets larger and larger.

Do things you fear, no matter how scary they are, and you are opening up your world. You are giving yourself life, room to breathe, and most of all, FREEDOM.

Don't feel the need to let others determine how free you are. You can free yourself. All you need is you

I very recently went through a tough time where I nearly killed myself. My brother recommended this book to me, and my life is changing already.

I agree with trZ and Dove, you can't let other people's perception get to you. But you've internalized it to the point that you believe it. The more you talk about your face holding you back the more you're going to see it happen. When you complain about it it's not coming from other people. That's you talking about yourself like that. So in a way, you're meaner to yourself than strangers are. You might know what people are thinking, but I doubt they say it to you. You do say it. Stop doing that! If you can't convince yourself that you're wrong, then try not to go there altogether. It's just dragging you down. The people who don't say anything about it steering clear of offending you. If people don't bring it up, then aren't they paying you a courtesy?

Dove said:

As she says herself in the book, the more you let fear consume you, your world gets smaller and smaller. The more you take a step towards fear, to embrace fear, your world gets larger and larger.

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That's awesome. I'll have to commit that to memory. Thanks, Dove, for sharing that. And thank you Windowsill, because if you hadn't made this thread I might never have read that.

PsychoBilli said:

Dove said:

As she says herself in the book, the more you let fear consume you, your world gets smaller and smaller. The more you take a step towards fear, to embrace fear, your world gets larger and larger.

Click to expand...

That's awesome. I'll have to commit that to memory. Thanks, Dove, for sharing that. And thank you Windowsill, because if you hadn't made this thread I might never have read that.

Click to expand...

I'm glad those words helped you like they helped me. Ever since I read that part specifically in the book, everything seemed to fall into place. I hope you and Windowsill can use those words and apply them to your own personal challenges
The book itself is really user-friendly and contains loads of *Aha!* moments - I frequently found myself thinking "Well of course! How true and how simple! How does no-one think of these things?"