feeling loneliness: complexity

I just wanted to open my heart and express confusedly how I feel.
The more I observe the world around me, the more I feel that I will never fit in.
They point out loneliness as a defect or a weakness. Lonely people feel ashamed for being alone because they don’t fit in any model of social behavior. Sometimes I find myself think I am abnormal because I have no friends, or because I can’t express myself in a way people would finally understand not who I am, but who I can be around them (just a nice person that has a good heart). I feel so mad and sad at these moments. I feel that I have so many things to give and that I have no one to talk to.
Sometimes I would like to be disgusted by human beings to feel only necessary pain. I would like to feel that a life is not about the others but only about oneself. However, I can’t lie to myself and pretend that the others have no place in life. Maybe the importance of the place depends on the kind of life we decide to live. Or maybe it just depends on the aptitude we have to create a strong self that doesn’t feel dependent on the others. Why do we need to link the most primitive definition of happiness to others? Where did we take these models, these stuck ideas we have in mind about life (we need many friends, bunch of money...)? We are maybe so much brainwashed by society or conventional ideas that we think happiness needs to match these models. Our feelings are maybe not ours anymore or we are just so lost that we don’t see them clearly. But what the hell is this mess? Why do I feel so weak and so stupid for believing for years in these ideas and for building the person I wanted to become on the basis of these ******* models that weren’t even mine. What the hell did I do? Is it too late or can I change now? Can I pretend now, in this dark and lonely time, that this pain I feel is not really mine and that, if I ‘unbrainwash’ myself, it will just go away?
Maybe no matter how many people are here to observe me stepping back or moving on.
The thing that really matters is maybe to feel ready to challenge life, to take risks and to realize our dreams.
However I feel so lonely now and I get lost in my own ideas. They're not helping me get over the emptiness and pain.
Maybe I just need people who understand me to resolve this confusion.

Individuals are unique, not in any singular thing, but in everything that makes them who they are. The more unique this make-up, the less they will have in common with the majority (an average of like experiences and beliefs and disbelief). Humans are pack animals and will feel the want to belong. I've never met someone who didn't feel that need in some way. Connection feeds confidence and confidence makes us comfortable. And comfort is a need for all of us (acceptance love security etc). The media feeds social standards and stereotypes that are not individual. But we are not just individuals, we are pack animals too. By losing your connection to humanity you may strengthen your individuality, but while society respects individuals, it expects conformity. As you've already learned you're different. It's part of the evolution of deep thinkers. A lot of people are alone because they can't play an outdated game. A lot of people who are alone are intelligent and truly unique. Just like a ripple every choice has a reaction. If you choose to break away you will be even more different and you need to decide if that is what you want. You cannot have everything. You cannot be socially acceptable and not follow the acceptable social standards.. OR you can wait for evolution to hit mainstream.

fyi if you have nothing to lose then you have everything to gain.

You're right. There is a decision to make. Sometimes I just think it is so unfair. I get the feeling that the life I want will be difficult to lead and that I will have to be brave to assume my choices and who I am. I used to be included in a group of friends. However I felt always hurt by the fact that all these people didn't know me. I was sick with this game of appearances and I just wanted more authenticity. I left these people and my country a few months ago to go to university. I thought it would be a new beginning. I was wrong. By living with strangers and being surrounded by strangers, I discovered that they were not like me and I got very sad because I knew they would not become more than vague acquaintances.
I have read a lot of philosophy. I wanted to find people who made the choice of solitude and got positive results of it. I have found a few philosophers that showed me that being alone can be positive to avoid losing this flame that every individual possesses. I have even concluded that the best way not to lose one's authenticity is to take some time apart from the lies of relationships.
However I think that the decision to strengthen my personality instead of trying to fit in society asks for bravery and strength. And I don't know if I have this spark inside that will make the whole thing worth.
I really just want to find some meaning, sone sense that would make life significant, and not just a succession of actions. I want to care about everything I do. And maybe solitude can bring me some answers.
There are two positions I could take: either I think that the answers are something I only can create, or I think that I could find the answers in someone else. The more I think about these positions, the more I think that the last one is just a way to escape.
You're right when you say that society expects conformity. I'm just wondering to what extend someone can go towards conformity and can however keep his spark inside.
That's maybe one of my worst fears, to lose these reflections and the ideas that, if I work on it hard, could maybe lead me somewhere.

One thing I've found is that words are a poor communication. Even though we communicate with feelings, feelings we associate with these grunts and moans, it is a poor growing closer. As a species we are evolving, emotionally. And with empathy I think we will one day be able to connect wholly without barriers, and it will be a time of thought. You are perceptive and are a part of that future. If you choose to be a part of a dying social order, it will only be a temporary escape. You are part of a new generation, a new way that is evolving, and sometime, someone must break away. And for every one who frees himself, there is another who wants to. If you look deeply into deep thinking websites and empath and alternative websites you will see it is not so uncommon any more to think for yourself, and to want something greater than what is. We do not belong because we are different. Whatever you choose, let it be right for you. Let the truth be yours.

btw you lose only what you forget. If you can be something else and still remember yourself you will be. But if you can not then you will be not.

CrazieCute said:

One thing I've found is that words are a poor communication. Even though we communicate with feelings, feelings we associate with these grunts and moans, it is a poor growing closer. As a species we are evolving, emotionally. And with empathy I think we will one day be able to connect wholly without barriers, and it will be a time of thought. You are perceptive and are a part of that future. If you choose to be a part of a dying social order, it will only be a temporary escape. You are part of a new generation, a new way that is evolving, and sometime, someone must break away. And for every one who frees himself, there is another who wants to. If you look deeply into deep thinking websites and empath and alternative websites you will see it is not so uncommon any more to think for yourself, and to want something greater than what is. We do not belong because we are different. Whatever you choose, let it be right for you. Let the truth be yours.

btw you lose only what you forget. If you can be something else and still remember yourself you will be. But if you can not then you will be not.

Click to expand...

I really need to confront myself and find my own truth. What you've said is so true. I don't want to escape from these decisions and these questions. After all, it is legitimate to want something better. I need to go further in what I have begun if I think that's the right thing to do.

CrazieCute said:

Individuals are unique, not in any singular thing, but in everything that makes them who they are. The more unique this make-up, the less they will have in common with the majority (an average of like experiences and beliefs and disbelief). Humans are pack animals and will feel the want to belong. I've never met someone who didn't feel that need in some way. Connection feeds confidence and confidence makes us comfortable. And comfort is a need for all of us (acceptance love security etc). The media feeds social standards and stereotypes that are not individual. But we are not just individuals, we are pack animals too. By losing your connection to humanity you may strengthen your individuality, but while society respects individuals, it expects conformity. As you've already learned you're different. It's part of the evolution of deep thinkers. A lot of people are alone because they can't play an outdated game. A lot of people who are alone are intelligent and truly unique. Just like a ripple every choice has a reaction. If you choose to break away you will be even more different and you need to decide if that is what you want. You cannot have everything. You cannot be socially acceptable and not follow the acceptable social standards.. OR you can wait for evolution to hit mainstream.

fyi if you have nothing to lose then you have everything to gain.

Click to expand...

Hey, I just wanted to say we are not neccesariy just 'pack' animals as we also supposidely evolved from monkeys who lived in 'pair bonds'. But I thought this was a great post.