ALS
Member
...but I thought I'd post because, you know, all the cool kids are doing it. I've been lurking around for a week now: This place rules. I really admire the courage and candor and of everyone reaching out (to love and for love). And I'm daily surprised at both the wise responses from the younger members as well as the ridiculously adolescent comments from the older ones.
for role-modelin'. 
I'm a 22-year-old guy from Southern California. I love listening to and creating music (some works in progress are here). I like cooking, architecture, advertising/branding, Mac OSX/IT stuff in general, and I'm obsessed with personal development/productivity/GTD. I graduated last year with a BS in Business w/honors from the University of California and hope to get into corporate training/development, specifically instructional design, technical writing, and pedagogy (though these types of jobs don't exactly lend themselves to entry-level positions). In my spare time, I volunteer for some local orgs, one for LGBT teens (though I'm straight), another for really-old folks, and a place for mentally-handicapped people. I do everything from changing toner cartridges, cooking for staff/clients, making deliveries, to finding venues for parties and then DJ'ing for them (with actual mixing, i.e. key/beat-matching). I also mod another forum, where I usually whining extensively about how much music I'm *not* making. I'm employed as an overnight manager for a major retail pharmacy (I *HATE* the job; but love the schedule: eight consecutive days of 10hr shifts, then six entire days off! Plus, the pay is decent given the zero effort required). This is me. This is me reading BJD's highly disturbing, but self-proclaimed outstanding romantic advice.
I was violently assaulted by gang members at work. They were PO'd that I wouldn't sell them cigs without ID. We had just been fined for selling to an undercover inspector, so I wasn't about to break state law and company policy (if they wanted to steal them, I would've let 'em have it. They wanted to buy). The guys came back saying they had ID, but as I was ringing them up they jumped the counter and beat the sh
t outta me. Later, they returned saying they would kill me. They'd repeatedly return to the store to loiter, stare us down, make threats, etc. Pretty stressful stuff, especially since I had extensive neck/head injuries thanks to them. I thought I was having a heart attack more than once. The entire thing was caught on tape: But the police aren't doing anything, and it's been a real hassle getting *any* (much less decent) medical care because it was a workplace injury. If you get hurt at work in the US, you can't pick your doctor. The one I saw didn't even examine me or listen to my complaints: He lied and said I had *no* injuries, which let the insurance company off the hook (they were paying him). I had to get an attorney just to see a real doctor; there's now extensive litigation (I'm not really supposed to talk about it...). Anyway, I finally (months after the incident) was able to see some docs: I have a cervical fracture, constant neck/head pain, and PTSD.
I overthink things, and this physical/emotional trauma has left me unable to do much else beyond thinking about my circumstances. This is problematic in several ways: I think so much that I won't let myself feel. I mentally evaluate whether a feeling is justified, what the underlying purpose is, and what how the outcome will turn out before I express it. I do this because I'm a total control freak, but I can tell it's counterproductive because stuffing feelings about what happened down so much has made me emotionally unavailable. When they do show up, I'm pretty unstable. My psychologist made a statement and asked how I felt about it. I said, "Well, I suppose I'm inclined to feel that..." She interrupted: "Listen to yourself! All I asked you was what you felt. It should be a one-word-answer!" I couldn't do it.
I'm having a hard time feeling things. But I know I can't do this. I can't live with this burden alone, and that really frustrates me because I have long prided myself on being *PERCEIVED* as a confident, capable, independent lone wolf. Before I got hurt, I felt happier and healthier than I ever had before. I had a degree of clarity and authenticity in my life that I was really at peace with. But now, it seems that introspection only stagnates me. My thinking is negative and repetitive. I know a lot of it's nonsense, so I guess I need help coming back to reality. I don't wanna be vulnerable, but I realize I can't grow past this alone: I'm too subjective; I'm too interconnected. There's a lot of uncertainty in my head, and my heart is disorganized. I hate it. I've always hidden my vulnerabilities beneath my abilities. But those have been taken away. Right after I got attacked, I talked myself into believing it was a random event and would never happen again. Yet they came back. Saying they'd kill me. So that inner security was taken away. I have nothing left to fall back on. I'm exhausted, but no one knows it. I mask my inner burnout with extreme activity. People around me think I'm doing really well, but the truth is I only experience energy when I'm spending it. Plus, doing too much helps me ignore my true condition, which is scary, enraging, and worst of all (when you're a narcissist like me), embarrassing.
I don't want to compromise. And I don't mean "compromise" in the sense that most young, single, college grads do. I'm talking about compromising by MY standards, the standards I won't even let myself see that I have. I'm confident I'll do fine when it comes to money and a job. But people act like that's all it should be about for me. Or that being satisfied means I'm giving up. My heart is breaking right now because of the buildup of unexpressed love. I do want a family. I don't care if it happens the way everyone else wants it to happen for me. I love kids. They don't even have to be mine. I want to be able to fall in love with a single mom if that's what happens... without having to justify or hide it from disapproving friends and family. It's not as simple as "F
K them!" because I love them too, and knowing they're displeased with me would also eat me alive. I want to cook, clean, do laundry, iron for, cuddle, carry, and love the loved ones I'll have... not just leave for a mundane job before they wake up and then get home w/barely enough time to tuck them in. These are all things I want to able to want should the opportunity arise. I'm not sure if could handle having a lover at the moment. I kinda think I shouldn't for a little while. I just want to be sure I can secure "the one" when I find her. I do find using casual sex as an escape *VERY* hard to resist, but I'm afraid I'll fool myself into thinking that I'm falling for whoever I'm sleeping with.
I feel like I've been cheating myself all my life; not in terms of what I've accomplished, but in terms of doing something/someone I love (that was not a veiled bestiality reference, BJD). Hell, I don't have high-falootin' taste or expectations when it comes to a relationship. In fact, the people I know would say I have "low" ones. That's the problem: It drives me nuts knowing my peers and family will judge me if I don't date someone they feel is "fit" for me. Even though their stoic, unsatisfied asses wouldn't know a fit mate if it bit them in the ass (biting is certainly not a deal-breaker for me!). Ugh! I'm so restless. I feel like doing rash, impulsive things: "Sensible" self-destruction, if you will. I feel the urge to get involved in hookups/relationships that are toxic to me. I want to move out of state; maybe even the country. I bought a freakin' book to learn how to make iPhone apps, but I hate coding! I went shopping for clothes. All of these things had that aspirational value, that hope of escape. I want a new identity. I want a fresh start. I wanna be someplace where who I am isn't obscured anymore. I want to be someplace I'm valued. I want to be with people I can express myself lovingly and honestly to. I feel like I'm spending all my time and energy accommodating other people's good intentions. I'm too busy serving them and exceeding their expectations of how "good" and "nice" a guy my age should be. I don't resent it or do it duplicitously: It is rewarding to know you're making a difference in people's lives. But it's also very lonely. That's why I got involved with the LGBT org: They were some of the most lucid, introspective, and uplifting people I've ever met. And they're pretty much all high-schoolers, FFS!
The forum is great - and I'm sure I'll be posting ad nauseum before you know it - but at this point, cognition is just a distraction. And a maladaptive one at that (again, at this point in time). When I post online, my words are formulaic and calculated. While I can compose myself well w/text (and get some degree of clarity), it usually ends up with me getting out of having to share what I'm feeling. That's why I spend more time blabbing in the chatroom than posting on the boards (I do read them often, though). The way I act in there is completely unfiltered. Messages do not stop at the brain before getting banged out on the keys. And even then, you guys still accept me. That means more than you know. I know I talk about myself a lot. I feel like I overshare and attentionwhore, but there's really no one else I can talk to like that. And it has come out. So, if you have to look at it as my luck and your misfortune that I found this place, do what you gotta do. For those of you thinking I'm a good boy... my sense of humor is really quite dark, twisted, sick, morbid, and cynical. Holla if you're the same. Grateful to be here. Thanks, everyone.
Oh, and I got a thing for Australian girls -- so if you are one -- do stop by and say 'ello.
I'm a 22-year-old guy from Southern California. I love listening to and creating music (some works in progress are here). I like cooking, architecture, advertising/branding, Mac OSX/IT stuff in general, and I'm obsessed with personal development/productivity/GTD. I graduated last year with a BS in Business w/honors from the University of California and hope to get into corporate training/development, specifically instructional design, technical writing, and pedagogy (though these types of jobs don't exactly lend themselves to entry-level positions). In my spare time, I volunteer for some local orgs, one for LGBT teens (though I'm straight), another for really-old folks, and a place for mentally-handicapped people. I do everything from changing toner cartridges, cooking for staff/clients, making deliveries, to finding venues for parties and then DJ'ing for them (with actual mixing, i.e. key/beat-matching). I also mod another forum, where I usually whining extensively about how much music I'm *not* making. I'm employed as an overnight manager for a major retail pharmacy (I *HATE* the job; but love the schedule: eight consecutive days of 10hr shifts, then six entire days off! Plus, the pay is decent given the zero effort required). This is me. This is me reading BJD's highly disturbing, but self-proclaimed outstanding romantic advice.
I was violently assaulted by gang members at work. They were PO'd that I wouldn't sell them cigs without ID. We had just been fined for selling to an undercover inspector, so I wasn't about to break state law and company policy (if they wanted to steal them, I would've let 'em have it. They wanted to buy). The guys came back saying they had ID, but as I was ringing them up they jumped the counter and beat the sh
I overthink things, and this physical/emotional trauma has left me unable to do much else beyond thinking about my circumstances. This is problematic in several ways: I think so much that I won't let myself feel. I mentally evaluate whether a feeling is justified, what the underlying purpose is, and what how the outcome will turn out before I express it. I do this because I'm a total control freak, but I can tell it's counterproductive because stuffing feelings about what happened down so much has made me emotionally unavailable. When they do show up, I'm pretty unstable. My psychologist made a statement and asked how I felt about it. I said, "Well, I suppose I'm inclined to feel that..." She interrupted: "Listen to yourself! All I asked you was what you felt. It should be a one-word-answer!" I couldn't do it.
I'm having a hard time feeling things. But I know I can't do this. I can't live with this burden alone, and that really frustrates me because I have long prided myself on being *PERCEIVED* as a confident, capable, independent lone wolf. Before I got hurt, I felt happier and healthier than I ever had before. I had a degree of clarity and authenticity in my life that I was really at peace with. But now, it seems that introspection only stagnates me. My thinking is negative and repetitive. I know a lot of it's nonsense, so I guess I need help coming back to reality. I don't wanna be vulnerable, but I realize I can't grow past this alone: I'm too subjective; I'm too interconnected. There's a lot of uncertainty in my head, and my heart is disorganized. I hate it. I've always hidden my vulnerabilities beneath my abilities. But those have been taken away. Right after I got attacked, I talked myself into believing it was a random event and would never happen again. Yet they came back. Saying they'd kill me. So that inner security was taken away. I have nothing left to fall back on. I'm exhausted, but no one knows it. I mask my inner burnout with extreme activity. People around me think I'm doing really well, but the truth is I only experience energy when I'm spending it. Plus, doing too much helps me ignore my true condition, which is scary, enraging, and worst of all (when you're a narcissist like me), embarrassing.
I don't want to compromise. And I don't mean "compromise" in the sense that most young, single, college grads do. I'm talking about compromising by MY standards, the standards I won't even let myself see that I have. I'm confident I'll do fine when it comes to money and a job. But people act like that's all it should be about for me. Or that being satisfied means I'm giving up. My heart is breaking right now because of the buildup of unexpressed love. I do want a family. I don't care if it happens the way everyone else wants it to happen for me. I love kids. They don't even have to be mine. I want to be able to fall in love with a single mom if that's what happens... without having to justify or hide it from disapproving friends and family. It's not as simple as "F
I feel like I've been cheating myself all my life; not in terms of what I've accomplished, but in terms of doing something/someone I love (that was not a veiled bestiality reference, BJD
). Hell, I don't have high-falootin' taste or expectations when it comes to a relationship. In fact, the people I know would say I have "low" ones. That's the problem: It drives me nuts knowing my peers and family will judge me if I don't date someone they feel is "fit" for me. Even though their stoic, unsatisfied asses wouldn't know a fit mate if it bit them in the ass (biting is certainly not a deal-breaker for me!). Ugh! I'm so restless. I feel like doing rash, impulsive things: "Sensible" self-destruction, if you will. I feel the urge to get involved in hookups/relationships that are toxic to me. I want to move out of state; maybe even the country. I bought a freakin' book to learn how to make iPhone apps, but I hate coding! I went shopping for clothes. All of these things had that aspirational value, that hope of escape. I want a new identity. I want a fresh start. I wanna be someplace where who I am isn't obscured anymore. I want to be someplace I'm valued. I want to be with people I can express myself lovingly and honestly to. I feel like I'm spending all my time and energy accommodating other people's good intentions. I'm too busy serving them and exceeding their expectations of how "good" and "nice" a guy my age should be. I don't resent it or do it duplicitously: It is rewarding to know you're making a difference in people's lives. But it's also very lonely. That's why I got involved with the LGBT org: They were some of the most lucid, introspective, and uplifting people I've ever met. And they're pretty much all high-schoolers, FFS!The forum is great - and I'm sure I'll be posting ad nauseum before you know it - but at this point, cognition is just a distraction. And a maladaptive one at that (again, at this point in time). When I post online, my words are formulaic and calculated. While I can compose myself well w/text (and get some degree of clarity), it usually ends up with me getting out of having to share what I'm feeling. That's why I spend more time blabbing in the chatroom than posting on the boards (I do read them often, though). The way I act in there is completely unfiltered. Messages do not stop at the brain before getting banged out on the keys. And even then, you guys still accept me. That means more than you know. I know I talk about myself a lot. I feel like I overshare and attentionwhore, but there's really no one else I can talk to like that. And it has come out. So, if you have to look at it as my luck and your misfortune that I found this place, do what you gotta do. For those of you thinking I'm a good boy... my sense of humor is really quite dark, twisted, sick, morbid, and cynical. Holla if you're the same. Grateful to be here. Thanks, everyone.
