"Lets be Friends"

So, I haven't been on the forums in a while (been pretty busy). But I need some advice:

Over the past few months, I've met and gotten to know this lovely young lady. Over the few times we met it's been for school (strictly "business" so to speak), but I cracked a few jokes here and there and while working we got into some decent conversations.

Anyways, It's safe to say that I thought she was pretty cool, and after our project was over, we kind of said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. A few days later I decided to go ahead and do something stupid and call her to ask her out. I was a bit of a stuttering mess on the phone, but managed to ask her out to a movie or a meal.

Much to my dismay, she said she was very flattered, but she already had a boyfriend, but would love to just be friends . I said "fair enough...just figured I'd ask, I'll see you around...maybe we can grab a coffee sometime". She said "for sure" and that was that.

The next day I got a text from her, saying that she felt she needed to say that she was serious about being friends but she'd understand if I'd rather not. I appreciated the gesture and replied that I wouldn't mind being Homies either, and that if she ever wants to hang out I'd be up for it.

She replied "glad to hear it, when your not busy we should grab that coffee".

SO! After typing that I can almost assume that I'm reading too much into this, but I cant help but feel like she's just being nice to me because she shut me down and feels guilty. I figure that if someone asked me out and I was in a relationship, and had to turn them down...I'd feel pretty rotten about it (even though it's the right thing to do).

SO...here's where you (YES YOU!!) come in. I'm debating whether to take her up on that offer for coffee. I know that sounds redonculous...you're probably thinking "DUDE!! IT'S COFFEE...WHAT'S TO THINK ABOUT".

I'm just worried that it'll be awkward and it's just a pity thing (which truthfully, I don't need...i mean it sucks that she said no, but I was prepared for that and know it's not the end of the world). And you know how when you volunteer to do something because you feel strongly about it at the time, but when someone actually takes you up on it you're like "aw fresia...now I gotta go do this because I said I would". I don't wanna force one of those on her.

SO ALL, what's your take?! Any advice would be appreciated. THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE OF MY COFFEE DRINKING COMPANY DEPENDS SOLELY ON YOU!!

Edit: I just read that post over...I probably shouldn't call her should I. She doesn't feel guilty, I have closure...I should just leave it at that shouldn't I...

Go do coffee. There is nothing to lose. I don't think she was feeling guilty. She did not need to text you and tell you she was serious about being friends unless she was serious about being friends. She could have let it go
So go! Have coffee.

She might be nice to you because that's just how she is. And that's just the type of friend she is. So, I wouldn't read too much into that. I would go. Not saying that you should force her to dump her boyfriend, but you never know what could become of it. Something could happen, or you might just get a really close friend from it, which right now, doesn't sound too bad. I'd rather have that myself.

dude! it's just coffee! what is there to think about?

but seriously, it doesn't have to be a pity thing. She probably does want to be friends with you. and you never know what could happen. Then again, maybe you don't want to go out with her only as a friend because you want something more right now. like a girlfriend...that's the reason you called her up in the first place, after all.

I'm gonna be completely honest here...

You two will never be together, that's just how it is, I am sorry.

She is probably honest about wanting to be friends, which is cool - Unless you still want to have sex with her. Because if you still want that, you can't be friends. You need to avoid her, you can't be friends if you want to be with her. So, seeing that you would want to be together with her, my advice is:

Drop the coffee, don't talk to her and if she calls you, don't answer. Yeah its kind of a dick move since she wants to be friends but seriously you can't torture yourself.

This is a chance for you to practice something that the world desperately needs more of right now, especially in my younger generation of 20-somethings which I assume you are part of (inform me if I am mistaken).

And that thing is 'Leadership'.

If you show up to hang out with her, you are walking in to one of two situations:

1. It's a pity-date because she feels bad; high potential for awkwardness.
2. She genuinely wants to be friends; no big deal.

A lot of this comes on your reaction. If you go in to this tense and nervous, or with embarrassment over being turned down, you will amplify the effects and probability of #1 happening. On the other hand, if you go in and just assume #2, play it cool and be a friend, you could potentially avert #1. Even if she does feel that way, there is a likelihood that she'll say "Well, he obviously doesn't seem hurt over it and he's fun to be around. Maybe we really can be friends."

Just my two bits.

trZ said:

I'm gonna be completely honest here...

You two will never be together, that's just how it is, I am sorry.

She is probably honest about wanting to be friends, which is cool - Unless you still want to have sex with her. Because if you still want that, you can't be friends. You need to avoid her, you can't be friends if you want to be with her. So, seeing that you would want to be together with her, my advice is:

Drop the coffee, don't talk to her and if she calls you, don't answer. Yeah its kind of a dick move since she wants to be friends but seriously you can't torture yourself.

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That's some of the most senseless advice I've ever read. How do you know what will happen? I don't think you're in charge of what happens in anyone's life. He can go out for some coffee or lunch with whoever he wants, regardless of anything else.

Of course, I don't know either of these people. But the thing is, why should he torture himself like this? Being with that girl while she is in a relationship is guaranteed in ending up with him getting put in the friend zone, while at the same time he might fall in love with her. Seriously, that won't end up good for our friend here.

And whats up with saying that I'm not in charge of what happens in their life? He asks for advice, I give him mine. He can take it or throw it in the garbage, but I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything. So chill out.

Hey nothing ventured nothing gained. Go for it -we all need friends. Don't read more into it than meeting someone for coffee. Who knows maybe she has some awsome girlfriends. You'll be fine. Don't make things happen let them evolve.

Thanks everyone for the replies, you've definitely shed some light on it, and I think I know what to do

Tex is Lost said:

She did not need to text you and tell you she was serious about being friends unless she was serious about being friends.

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Well said. I think you're right about that one.

Rigel said:

Then again, maybe you don't want to go out with her only as a friend because you want something more right now. like a girlfriend...that's the reason you called her up in the first place, after all.

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Rigel you make a good point, but honestly man: I'm not the kind of guy to force the issue. I can totally have a good time with her without trying to get into her pants. Ok, granted I'm a guy...and I did ask her out because I was interested in a romantic relationship. But when she said she had a boyfriend...that was THAT. Cut, dry, the end. Having her as a friend wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

trZ said:

I'm gonna be completely honest here...

You two will never be together, that's just how it is, I am sorry.

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I think you're right dude. But that doesn't bother me. I can still hang out with her, without trying to be her boyfriend.

Vanilla creme I agree that trying to replace the boyfriend would be the dumbest thing I could do. Just make a new friend right?

Brian said:

A lot of this comes on your reaction. If you go in to this tense and nervous, or with embarrassment over being turned down, you will amplify the effects and probability of #1 happening. On the other hand, if you go in and just assume #2, play it cool and be a friend, you could potentially avert #1. Even if she does feel that way, there is a likelihood that she'll say "Well, he obviously doesn't seem hurt over it and he's fun to be around. Maybe we really can be friends."

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I couldn't have said it better myself dude. You're 100% on the money. Just go in there trying to have a good time, instead of trying to get her to reconsider (which wont happen).

Jicky - Nothing ventured nothing gained ---Amen

Thank you to everyone who replied! I really appreciate it! I think I'm gonna give her a call, see if we can't grab that coffee. Big hugs to the ladies who responded, and a fist-bump / drunken man-hug + "THIS GUY IS F****** AWESOME!!!!" to the guys who hooked me up with their 2 cents hahaha.

EAT THAT FUCKIN COFFEE, MAN!!!

Seriously... she's given you every signal there is that she's interested in you.

Go for it!!

Saying you just want to be friends, isn't being interested in the way he wants.

Personally i wouldn't, but that's only because i have a little rule about being friends with women I'm attracted to. i would just play it off likes it's fine and not talk to her anymore.

to me, Being "just friends" with a girl i really like and get along with so well is like going to a job interview, and the company says you have all the qualifications they are looking for, yet they tell you they do not want to hire you, but instead hire others who are far less qualified than you are. And on top of that, they would like to call you from time to time to complain about other applicants.

A Desolate Soul said:

to me, Being "just friends" with a girl i really like and get along with so well is like going to a job interview, and the company says you have all the qualifications they are looking for, yet they tell you they do not want to hire you, but instead hire others who are far less qualified than you are. And on top of that, they would like to call you from time to time to complain about other applicants.

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Lol, that last line made me chuckle

Nilla's quote "expectation is the root of all heartache" pretty much sums it up. One thing I have learned about meeting ladies is that they truly and honestly only want to be "friends"....most of the time anyway.....Women take the friendship thing more seriously than us guys who think that because they meet up with you, even if it's just for coffee, as guys we expect more and believe they (ladies) think the same, believe me they don't.......call it social evolution and us men have to catch up, or whatever, but that is the way it is, honestly as I see it.

Hahaha, "social evolution and us men have to catch up". Well said.

So I'm grabbing that coffee tomorrow. This girl seems pretty cool. I honestly wouldn't mind being her friend, I do well with ladies when all that drama is out of the picture. And no I'm not pining for her in secret...if we hang out enough times she'll stop registering as a girl eventually...just another one of my fellow cronies hahaha.

Also, pining for a girl in secret is pathetic. Don't do it...it means she wins...and more importantly you lose. Just be her friend, and look for another girlfriend. I figure that getting turned down isn't the end of the world...it's just something us regular guys are gonna have to deal with and move on. And if she turns out to be one of those girls who tries to use you as a boyfriend she doesn't have to fresia, while she goes out and fucks pretty boys...just tell her to piss off. That way, the one that wasn't good enough to fresia, figured he was too good for her haha.

That's right boys, the deck may be stacked against us, and we may be destined to a future of twilight movies and girls who cry all the time, and can flirt their way out of a traffic ticket...but that doesn't mean us regular Joe's are going down without a fight!

A bunch of smarmy broads came into an ice-cream store, and they were a bit drunk, and one of them said to the guy behind the counter "you should give her a free ice-cream...". The guy said "why should I do that". The girl said "come on! Hot girls deserve free ice-cream!". The guy responds with "who said she's hot?...That'll be $4.50".

Just a little something to cheer up all my fellow hard-up love machines out there. Keep on keepin' on.

grainofrice24 said:

A bunch of smarmy broads came into an ice-cream store, and they were a bit drunk, and one of them said to the guy behind the counter "you should give her a free ice-cream...". The guy said "why should I do that". The girl said "come on! Hot girls deserve free ice-cream!". The guy responds with "who said she's hot?...That'll be $4.50".

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LMAO that girl got pwned

I would say yes. I believe she really just wants to be friends. She could end up being an excellent friend later on in life - and judging a person is a wrong type of relationship isn't very wrong.
I used to be in a dating relationship with my best friend, and we now know that we judged each other wrong, that we were not made to be together, but excellent friends.
We've been best friends for four years now, and we broke up three years ago.
I hope my example helps inter-sexual relationships, because I really have a lot of guy friends, and many I am attracted to, but I still promote friendship, no matter the hormonal effects.