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Knight

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 5, 2008
Messages
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Location
VA
Words cannot describe how awfully I am sick and restless from being so alone and anxious all the time. I do not wish to wake up and get up. I do not know if I can go much further in this apathetic state. My depression and anxiety prevent me from fully living my life. I get up usually around 2 or 3pm and sit at my desk and occupy myself with my computer and the internet. I go to the same websites and forums, then I refresh all of them throughout the day. I check my email dozens of times a day. When I get tired or bored of the internet I turn on my Xbox 360 and play video games. I go back and forth between these digital getaways. I do not go outside often. I occasionally go for a 30 mile bike ride, usually once a week. I go to class two times a week. I get up at 1pm, shower, and catch the bus, with my music on, I feel out of place every where I go. During class though, I do not feel this way. In my English class, I get along with a few people. In my AutoCAD class, I sit next to this girl, we get along very well. I help her, and she genuinely appreciates it. Funny thing happened this past class, out of no where, she asked me if I signed up for the next class, AutoCAD 2, I replied that I had not. She then logged into the school's website and told me who taught it, and asked me if I knew him and I said I had not, she then suggested to me that I should sign up for the same class. I said I would, so I logged in and went to the page where to do it, she then guided me through the steps to sign up for the same class. She told me that it would be nice to already know someone in the class. I would consider her my friend, though I only see her in class. After class I put the cover of my music back on and briskly walk to the bus stop where I patiently and quietly wait for the bus, I do not usually talk to anyone. Although two weeks ago I did talk to this one girl the entire time on the bus. I felt really good about myself after that. It feels rewarding and uplifting when I converse with someone. It is not an act I participate in often. Sometimes I talk to my family, but 90% of those conversations are not fulfilling because they are usually arguments or complaints being thrown across the room. Which is one reason why I sit in my cold, lonely room most of the time. I am not living, I am sitting there watching life goes by as I wallow in my sadness, depression, and fear of the outside world. I wish to be free of this shade over my heart and soul. It has grown on me, and I feel used to it but I know that I want it gone. I am afraid though of trying to live my life, instead of being apathetic, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of not belonging. I feel as if I do not belong anymore. No matter what I do, or where I go, I do not feel like I belong any where. The few places would my room, not my house, I do not consider this house to be my home. The other being my grandmother's house I visit every year. It is heaven there. When I visit there via train, life is a bliss, no worries, I let my problems fade away for those few weeks. I wish my life would feel that way everyday. I wish I could get up in the morning and feel refreshed and joyful and ready to face the world, and take what it brings whether it of negativeness or positiveness. I yearn for that life, the life that I lack. Most simple actions require me to muster up enough strength and convincing. Examples of these actions would be eating, going to sleep, going to class, even getting out of my room, and going out for a bike ride. I try my hardest, but my depression often has a strong influence on my mind and body. It is a dark restraint that never loosens. My anxiety causes me to become so restless, nothing I do calms me down, maybe except for one action, riding my bicycle, but it only lasts the duration that I ride. I want to live my life but I cannot muster the strength to do the things that need to be done. This deep sadness inside me lingers in my heart and soul. Everywhere I go it is there, feeding into my depression. It is a cold and deadly cycle. The trials and tribulations of life have an effect 100 times that of a normal person. Even the smallest unwanted or bad things that happen to me can bring me all the way down inside. I do not look forward to much anymore, because I know that there is a great chance of it letting me down. I always point out the negative things in my life, I rarely "look on the bright side of life" I am at a lack of words for the reasoning of this. I do apologize for this long string of text. I am letting my mind wander through fingers onto the keyboard, and onto this post.

I have great sadness inside. The sadness of many lives. I wish that I could vanquish this sadness instead of just temporarily repelling it.
 
Ask the girl in your class to go to lunch or something. That's a place to start.

"Qui audet adipiscitur"
(Who Dares ,Wins)
motto of the S.A.S.
 
Hey,I feel just the same way.This could have been me writing that.It really felt like I did.I'm alot like you but i am forced to be around people even when i don't want to.I don't know what's wrong about me but I also kinda have social anxiety. I'm afraid of people my own age.I always worry i'll leave a bad impression or come off as the girl without character simply going with the flow.I hate walking into places crowded with all the jolly reckless teenageers who would rip me off head to toe with their mockily-scrutinizing-inspecting eyes and flash at me those cocky you-are-pathetic smiles then go back to laughing loudly with their friends.You can imagine how that makes me feel.My self-worth? Zero.I feel horrible for weeks on end and absolutely worthless. If someone insults me I cannot even find the words to stand up for myself.Even if after alot of thinking I can say something it sounds pretty lame -and weak- and I'm just straining to hold back the embarrassing tears. I've never been in any kind of relationship before. I'm very insecure about how I look like sometimes.Even when people tell me I'm a pretty girl I don't believe them entirely even though deep down I know I am in my own way. The idea of my prom frightens me.Really scares the honeysuckle out of me even though it's still 2 years away.
I have no idea why I get so easily swayed when people judge me.I know sometiemes they do this on purpose just to get you feeling bad about yourself.It still gets to me.
So well what I mean is that i too would rather stay in a virtual world playing whatever video games or just browsing inside my own room than go outside to this.Sometimes I am very depressed.Sometimes I cut off and numb all my feelings as a human and indulge in non-thinking activities just like an animal with a brain would.Finding pleasure in eating,sleeping,playing like that not thinking about anything.Maybe someday that would change.Hopefully...
Sorry about talking about myself all that much.Just thought you could relate to that.And you are definitely not alone in that...
 
Knight said:
Words cannot describe how awfully I am sick and restless from being so alone and anxious all the time. I do not wish to wake up and get up. I do not know if I can go much further in this apathetic state. My depression and anxiety prevent me from fully living my life. I get up usually around 2 or 3pm and sit at my desk and occupy myself with my computer and the internet. I go to the same websites and forums, then I refresh all of them throughout the day. I check my email dozens of times a day. When I get tired or bored of the internet I turn on my Xbox 360 and play video games. I go back and forth between these digital getaways. I do not go outside often. I occasionally go for a 30 mile bike ride, usually once a week. I go to class two times a week. I get up at 1pm, shower, and catch the bus, with my music on, I feel out of place every where I go. During class though, I do not feel this way. In my English class, I get along with a few people. In my AutoCAD class, I sit next to this girl, we get along very well. I help her, and she genuinely appreciates it. Funny thing happened this past class, out of no where, she asked me if I signed up for the next class, AutoCAD 2, I replied that I had not. She then logged into the school's website and told me who taught it, and asked me if I knew him and I said I had not, she then suggested to me that I should sign up for the same class. I said I would, so I logged in and went to the page where to do it, she then guided me through the steps to sign up for the same class. She told me that it would be nice to already know someone in the class. I would consider her my friend, though I only see her in class. After class I put the cover of my music back on and briskly walk to the bus stop where I patiently and quietly wait for the bus, I do not usually talk to anyone. Although two weeks ago I did talk to this one girl the entire time on the bus. I felt really good about myself after that. It feels rewarding and uplifting when I converse with someone. It is not an act I participate in often. Sometimes I talk to my family, but 90% of those conversations are not fulfilling because they are usually arguments or complaints being thrown across the room. Which is one reason why I sit in my cold, lonely room most of the time. I am not living, I am sitting there watching life goes by as I wallow in my sadness, depression, and fear of the outside world. I wish to be free of this shade over my heart and soul. It has grown on me, and I feel used to it but I know that I want it gone. I am afraid though of trying to live my life, instead of being apathetic, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I will fail. I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of not belonging. I feel as if I do not belong anymore. No matter what I do, or where I go, I do not feel like I belong any where. The few places would my room, not my house, I do not consider this house to be my home. The other being my grandmother's house I visit every year. It is heaven there. When I visit there via train, life is a bliss, no worries, I let my problems fade away for those few weeks. I wish my life would feel that way everyday. I wish I could get up in the morning and feel refreshed and joyful and ready to face the world, and take what it brings whether it of negativeness or positiveness. I yearn for that life, the life that I lack. Most simple actions require me to muster up enough strength and convincing. Examples of these actions would be eating, going to sleep, going to class, even getting out of my room, and going out for a bike ride. I try my hardest, but my depression often has a strong influence on my mind and body. It is a dark restraint that never loosens. My anxiety causes me to become so restless, nothing I do calms me down, maybe except for one action, riding my bicycle, but it only lasts the duration that I ride. I want to live my life but I cannot muster the strength to do the things that need to be done. This deep sadness inside me lingers in my heart and soul. Everywhere I go it is there, feeding into my depression. It is a cold and deadly cycle. The trials and tribulations of life have an effect 100 times that of a normal person. Even the smallest unwanted or bad things that happen to me can bring me all the way down inside. I do not look forward to much anymore, because I know that there is a great chance of it letting me down. I always point out the negative things in my life, I rarely "look on the bright side of life" I am at a lack of words for the reasoning of this. I do apologize for this long string of text. I am letting my mind wander through fingers onto the keyboard, and onto this post.

I have great sadness inside. The sadness of many lives. I wish that I could vanquish this sadness instead of just temporarily repelling it.


hi knight,

i'm new here and this is my first post. initially i was going to reply, "who are you and how did you get inside my head?" but i'm never sure whether my words properly convey the subtle humor intended. you sound just like me, give or take 10, 20... years. your words are the same as those i replay everyday in my head. you've pretty much written my bio. i should probably say thank you as, if you don't mind my doing a copy/paste/edit of your post, it'll save me the task of having to type it myself if i decide to write a 2nd post.

my life was your life when i was your age. there's not much yelling in my home; just a lot anxiety riddled people trying to cope. i was and am too shy (and now too embarrassed) to even talk with my immediate family members. i'm suppressing so much stuff; fear, anxiety, depression and an overwhelming sense of loneliness, that i have to literally fight back the tears that constantly threaten to break free. i can actually hear the tears in my voice when i speak, which isn't very often. i live in a home approx. 1800 sq. ft. yet i've somehow managed or allowed my actual living space to decrease to 110 sq ft.

my life is almost unbearable as well, so i also agree with your comment about the sadness/depression being a deadly cycle. but as i am opposed to leaving THAT heavy burden on my family, THAT will never be a consideration for me. i hope it's never a consideration for you either.

the only thing i can offer you is the wisdom of hindsight. don't ever stop going out of doors. don't ever stop offering a smile and a nod of your head to say hello to people, whether you know them or not. don't give in to modern conveniences, such as shopping online rather than shopping in brick and mortar stores. i've done, am doing, all of those things and am completely miserable. so please, don't give in to those feelings. be they fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, don't give in. even the smallest of smiles given to, and received from a stranger will feel good.

take comfort in knowing that the people at school like you. i understand the reluctance to think of them as actual friends; its scary. i never allowed myself to have friends either; always called them classmates or acquaintances. now i have neither. i'm not saying throw all caution to the wind and declare them your bff's, what i'm saying is, until they give you reason to believe otherwise, allow yourself to consider them your friends and allow yourself the freedom to smile in acknowledgment. AND if you're ever asked to join them for lunch or another outing, say yes! a classmate of mine asked me to join him for lunch; we were working on a (mandated) team assignment. just a simple 30 minutes over lunch discussing flowcharts; one of my greatest regrets to this day is that i said no.

i know, you may be thinking it's too easy for me to tell you to do this, that or the other, but believe me when i say i have been there. i allowed myself to succumb to my fear and depression and can tell you, doing so only ads an overwhelming sense of regret on top of all the rest. just don't give up or ever stop trying to live beyond those feelings. and if you haven't already, see a dr. about getting meds for your depression and anxiety. it will help. blessings to you.

 
Hi Knight, i'm impressed at your well written words about your feelings, you are obviously an intelligent and deep individual. I am assuming that I am much older than yourself and the other posters, however loneliness is certainly not disciminative as even at my age i have the same feelings as you "at times". I have learn't that one way to overcome these anxieties is the feeling of purpose in the world and that is usually from what an individual decides to do in life, you and the other posters I see are still in schooling of some sort and have not yet entered into the world of "work", where you will find that your life will eventually change for the better due to a sense of purpose. Not that this wipes away total feelings of loneliness but it helps a little. Eventually you will be respected by colleagues who sometimes become friends. I noticed you mentioned autocad, I deal with cad people daily in my profession and I tell you now that these skilled individuals are revered and respected for what they can do. So please don't totally despair, stay on course of completing your education and life will eventually get better. The loneliness part is a constant struggle for us people, the need to be loved for some reason eludes us at times and thats where we go into ourselves seeking a reason for this, maybe we over analyze ourselves also....I don't know...maybe I'm totally wrong with what I am saying, but we can't give up and we must all be part of what we have to offer to society in terms of our learned abilities, and sometimes the rest just falls into place.

Like Arouretta said...."don't give up"....i see where you have a lot to offer to people and society. All the best to you and these other posters.
 
Thanks everyone for reading my post and giving me great responses.
 
First of all, I would like to thank you for taking your time to write with such detail. I can only wish to one day be able to articulate my thoughts the way you do yours. It feels good getting it off your chest though, doesn't it? I think it's refreshing in its own way, being able to put thought into words and letting go for long enough to form sentences and express what you're feeling.

I relate to a lot of what you're feeling. Especially a fear of failure. It seems you have a glass-half-empty aspect on life. It can be hard to see any silver lining with an attitude like that. One thing that really helps me deal with my fear of failure is finding a way to laugh at myself. I can tell you're going through a lot, but you can achieve anything you desire to accomplish, including overcoming all these negative vibes. Like I said, I related to a lot you wrote about in this thread... I just think you have to change your mindset, and only you can do that. It's not always easy to find your motivation, but sometimes it's right under your nose and you don't even realize it. If your head is up, you won't get much sadder.
 
I have little motivation, I don't know where to look for it.
 
Dear Knight, I wished you lived in my town. I would hang out with you because you sound like a cool person. You're re an awesome human being that has a true gift with communication, every word you wrote is so clear. I've always admired that talent in people (maybe a bit jealous too) and I admire it in you. When you read my posts I sound like yoda, I suck at the written word. Your life sounds like a carbon copy of mine with the exception of the bike, mine has a motor instead of pedals. Let's hope for a better tomorrow for both of us, that's all I really had to say.
 
Thanks for reading and posting. Exactly let's hope for a better tomorrow.
 

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