24 Years...of being a dead man walking

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grainofrice24

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24 Years. Long time. Just walking...nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Sure there's school and work, but they just pass time. Is that what life is? Passing time till you're dead?

I know I know..."The world is a beautiful place blah blah blah". It may be for you, but not for me. I don't fit in. I've tried, Jesus knows I've tried. I just can't make sense of it all. There's something wrong with me. Something wrong with my head and the way it works. Something that I can't help but think that I'll fix one day with nothing more than a well placed bullet.

I try to go against my own sheltering instincts, but it just feels so...false. It feels fake, and I think people deep down can tell I'm faking. They go along, because I go along but people drift away and I drift away and end up right back where I started.

I regret everything. Everything I do, in hindsight, seems so stupid and it causes me physical and emotional pain thinking about it. "Why can't I do things right?!?! Why cant I be normal?!" It's like my own mind is against me. It follows me and sabotages everything I do with unwavering precision, unrelenting accuracy and deadly efficiency. My self is the ultimate enemy. It's an enemy I cannot defeat or kill.

I make horrible decisions regularly. Things that any other person would approach normally and quickly react appropriately to, are things that I either over-think or under-think and ultimately fresia up royally. Little things become difficult because of the painstaking mental conflict that goes on. I've tried simply NOT thinking too much about stuff, and just do what makes sense, but I end up acting having not thought something out thoroughly. A dichotomy of extremes it would seem. Like climbing an icy mountain: The best place to be is at the peak, but it's a long arduous and painful trip to the top, but once I'm at the top...on false move, and I slip and slide down the other side...all...the way...to the bottom.

Having religion pounded into my skull since I was a child has yielded a particularly interesting notion. They say god is in your heart...I respond with "Okay, but then the Devil's in your head". My life seems to have been the mind expanding, while the heart aches.

Maybe in a previous life I did something foolish. I sold my soul to the devil for something petty and childish. I was caught, young and naive...and this life and many others (and many more) are simply for my soul's owner's...amusement. And what would be more amusing...than someone who cannot help, but live a thousand painful, lonely and agonizing lifetimes??

Anyways...I should get around to fixing my problems. Should have asked Santa for a gun with 1 bullet this year hahahaha.
 
Hey Grain,
I’ve read a few of your posts and you sound like an intelligent guy... Part of that curse is over thinking just about everything..

Myself, I tend to over think a lot, which is why I am almost always seen with my IPOD, gives my subconscious something to do instead of annoying me all day long  and sometimes I have trouble sleeping, it just keeps going, and until it stops I won’t sleep, I’ve come to accept that. The difference between me and you Grain, I think anyway (I can’t possibly know). Is at a certain point… I, not stopped caring, that’s the wrong word.. But stopped worrying. I stopped over analyzing the possible outcomes of a conversation and just allow myself to react naturally like on auto pilot (same thing I do when playing guitar) . because you know what? People say stupid things all the time, me included, I have stuck my foot in my mouth so far at some points, sometimes I think the water on my Knee could quence my thirst (stolen from Major Payne lol)

If my rambling helps at all feel free to PM me, we can chat about whatever… Except snakes.. I don’t like snakes..
 
sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. don't be too hard on yourself, we all fresia up on a regular basis in one way or another.

what do you mean by sheltering instincts?
 
Grain, We ALL make mistakes and have some type of regrets. I've spoken with you and read many of your posts. I think you're a great person. You're bright and filled with both, interesting and kind thoughts. *HUGS* :)
 
Ligjhten up (enlightenment) dont take urself so **** serious...

That was a funni jolke about santa.lmao

Every so often I wish my valentine
would give me a bullet or @ least fucken ear plugs...hahahaa
I take it back...I love her. its becuz she wont shut the fresia up....she drowns out all the crazy vioces in my head :p

Ur getting it...intuitivelty u have ur answers.
 
Hmmh. A few things I can relate to, there. I've just bumbled into my twentyfourth year of my earthly jaunt. Got a bagful of regrets weightin' on my back. Feel like an utter idiot some times due to decisions, or mistakes, I make. Still, helps to remind oneself that no person is perfect, and everybody does make wrong decisions.

Not alltogether into the whole religious notion of how mistakes of this life might be result of screwups in the last one. I don't believe in any of that mumbo jumbo. Nobody out there looking out for us, or actively seeking to derive amusement out of our suffering. It's all just a series of unfortunate events, with a few silver linings around the turds that life tosses in our way. As for the drifting away part...yeah, I've had that happen to me, too. Family wasn't alltogether tight-knit to say the least, school taught me that folks you grow up with just end up drifting their own ways as well, and working life to this point has taught me that everybody you ever work with are just as liable to dissapear from your life after a time, never to be seen again. In a sense, it's a horrible notion, but on the other hand, you won't have to look into the faces associated with your past failures and remind yourself of your failings. Unless, of course, you live in a smaller community. Rare these days, I'd think.

I think you'd need to find one thing you enjoy doing, and derive satisfaction from a job well done once you start getting the hang of things. If it's art, take a moment to gaze upon your works as they are complete and say to yourself 'Hey, I made this, and it ain't half bad. Guess I don't suck so much, after all'. And if it doesn't start out well, takes time, trial and error...just remember that things take time and practice to perfect. Nary a few of us are savants when we are born. We all got our strengths and weaknesses, and some things come to us easier than to others, and things others find easy and mundane present daunting tasks to some others, like us.

Anyhow, ramblings aside, I'd advise against the gun idea. Messy, and has negative effects to folks around you.
 
Organized religion is the torment of the masses

Actually, you sound pretty normal to me.
Unhappy-but normal.

I recently quit drinking and gave up caffeine.
Now that crazed hyperactive chimp in my head
snoozes most of the time, giving me a break from
the constant negative self-talk that tormented
me for.....well, longer than I can remember.

When we keep doing the same things
we keep getting the same results.
Try making small changes.

It may seem Pollyanna, but make a conscious effort
to notice every little good thing in your life
(NO MATTER HOW SMALL)
This small act has a cumulative affect and can really
help if you keep at it.

Don't give up!
Breathe in.
Breathe out.

 
I am so sorry for your pain. It would be easy to say "don't give up" and don't think about killing yourself, but I sometimes feel that way.

I don't, however, believe that every single thing in your life is negative...I will name only one thing...you are here, and you are trying to get other people's input and help for yourself.

This may sound like bad advice to you, and you may not be able to afford it, but did you ever try psycotherapy? I went for many years, and it helped with my self-esteem, which you are obviously lacking. I can no longer afford to go. And, this may not be an answer you want to hear. My therapist did tell me though that your mind can't fully concentrate on more than one thing at a time. I don't know if you have the motivation to get a hobby or watch a movie, but it helps me a bit.

I am on this Forum for only a week now. Have you tried playing any of the Games? It takes my mind off things for a while. You may think they are silly, but I really enjoy them.

Anyway, I think what Santa didn't bring you is a good thing!

One of the things I say all the time is that I won't kill myself because of Jesus and it would devastate my family (have only 3 phone friends from far away), and I WANT TO SEE HOW THIS MESS OF A LIFE I AM LIVING ENDS!

Feel free to contact me...I can relate to your post.

 

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