I always knew I was different to the core. But I thought my social issues were due to bad experiences growing up indoctrinated to a cult. So when I was 18 and turned 180 degrees in all aspects of my worldview, I noticed I was lacking in many knowledge departments that most people had already internalized but I thought I could learn stuff like social skills with time.
I've always been about awareness. I thought I had exceptional self-awareness and awareness of my environment. I was weird but I knew it and was always trying to fix/heal myself based on what I observed. I've always known myself to be missing something that others have, and would have many different phases of trying to correct a different thing I thought I was missing. But all that mattered in the long term was that I was aware of not only how others perceived me but also how I really am.
Well in recent months it has come to my serious attention that I am not as aware as I thought I was, and simultaneously that I am more socially retarded than I thought I was. For sure I was always good at noticing details, analyzing, comparing, taking into account multiple factors, etc. and noticing that I was much better at all this than anyone else I knew led me to believe I had above average awareness. Not perfect or omniscient of course, but just without a lot of filter or bias like some obviously have. But it seems my awareness is literally spotty. And it seems my lack of social skills cannot be blamed on experience alone, but that it is partially natural. Or, I am genetically more likely to produce an antisocial personality when exposed to an antisocial lifestyle as I was. If not, the antisocial lifestyle permanently damaged the basic social foundation I was given by genetics (as adult personality is affected by experiences growing up, that's the basic theory anyway. I am quite appreciative of evolutionary theory btw).
I almost freaked out the other day thinking about how even though religion and hell seem so illogical, I would really have no way of knowing if this logic that is so obvious to me and lost on others, is just a demonic trick to make me not understand religion. Moreover I freaked out about not being able to know how socially and mentally defected I am or how obvious it is.
Anyway with that mouthful of details aside, I'm dealing with the main problem mostly in a detached logical perspective, fearing that too much emotional thinking in the problem will get me lost. In this perspective I am seriously analyzing and questioning whether or not it's worth it to live like this. It's a really hard to cope with paradox, having to doubt your own senses to consider the possibility that you are even worse with people than you thought, and having to worry about your every observation being skewed. I am aware that I am broken in some areas, but not enough to know how broken, and potentially how broken my own awareness is. Not knowing how much you do not know. I realize that is a basic problem of life for everybody but that is usually pertaining to the unknown, God, afterlife, beginning, astronomy, etc and IMO most of those things are beyond our daily imagination to not bother us. But this is me, you know? It hits home. Much more immediately important than wondering about religion, an external stimulus. Which I guess is what leads me here. I'm seriously doubting my ability to even know how aware I am. There is no way to deduct a solid answer, just guessing, until I ask others. Which I will be doing soon I suppose IRL. But this is for writing it all down which always feels good, and asking if others ever feel similar. I think I know a lot of things, and can make many creative connections, and put words or an appearance together to sound intelligible but I think even across messaging I skip some basic logical steps or cultural norms without even realizing it, and this might be obvious to others.
Idk disclaimer this whole post was kind of rushed and it is late. I haven't expressed everything precisely or elaborately how I would want but it's good enough to just quit and post. I do kind of swap out being socially deficient with mentally retarded without padding... I guess I feel both are possible but this board concerns more about social issues and I do too so just forgive that.
I've always been about awareness. I thought I had exceptional self-awareness and awareness of my environment. I was weird but I knew it and was always trying to fix/heal myself based on what I observed. I've always known myself to be missing something that others have, and would have many different phases of trying to correct a different thing I thought I was missing. But all that mattered in the long term was that I was aware of not only how others perceived me but also how I really am.
Well in recent months it has come to my serious attention that I am not as aware as I thought I was, and simultaneously that I am more socially retarded than I thought I was. For sure I was always good at noticing details, analyzing, comparing, taking into account multiple factors, etc. and noticing that I was much better at all this than anyone else I knew led me to believe I had above average awareness. Not perfect or omniscient of course, but just without a lot of filter or bias like some obviously have. But it seems my awareness is literally spotty. And it seems my lack of social skills cannot be blamed on experience alone, but that it is partially natural. Or, I am genetically more likely to produce an antisocial personality when exposed to an antisocial lifestyle as I was. If not, the antisocial lifestyle permanently damaged the basic social foundation I was given by genetics (as adult personality is affected by experiences growing up, that's the basic theory anyway. I am quite appreciative of evolutionary theory btw).
I almost freaked out the other day thinking about how even though religion and hell seem so illogical, I would really have no way of knowing if this logic that is so obvious to me and lost on others, is just a demonic trick to make me not understand religion. Moreover I freaked out about not being able to know how socially and mentally defected I am or how obvious it is.
Anyway with that mouthful of details aside, I'm dealing with the main problem mostly in a detached logical perspective, fearing that too much emotional thinking in the problem will get me lost. In this perspective I am seriously analyzing and questioning whether or not it's worth it to live like this. It's a really hard to cope with paradox, having to doubt your own senses to consider the possibility that you are even worse with people than you thought, and having to worry about your every observation being skewed. I am aware that I am broken in some areas, but not enough to know how broken, and potentially how broken my own awareness is. Not knowing how much you do not know. I realize that is a basic problem of life for everybody but that is usually pertaining to the unknown, God, afterlife, beginning, astronomy, etc and IMO most of those things are beyond our daily imagination to not bother us. But this is me, you know? It hits home. Much more immediately important than wondering about religion, an external stimulus. Which I guess is what leads me here. I'm seriously doubting my ability to even know how aware I am. There is no way to deduct a solid answer, just guessing, until I ask others. Which I will be doing soon I suppose IRL. But this is for writing it all down which always feels good, and asking if others ever feel similar. I think I know a lot of things, and can make many creative connections, and put words or an appearance together to sound intelligible but I think even across messaging I skip some basic logical steps or cultural norms without even realizing it, and this might be obvious to others.
Idk disclaimer this whole post was kind of rushed and it is late. I haven't expressed everything precisely or elaborately how I would want but it's good enough to just quit and post. I do kind of swap out being socially deficient with mentally retarded without padding... I guess I feel both are possible but this board concerns more about social issues and I do too so just forgive that.
