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Depression, anxiety, and abusive personality... yay

I'm a guy with a history of depression (I've been hospitalized once before) and I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to talking to people I don't already know. Although I am 24 years old, I have only been in two relationships both of which failed horribly because I have an abusive personality.

I would never physically harm my girlfriends, but I would emotionally abuse them until they had no sense of their old personality. It was never my intention to do this and I had no idea I was really doing it until it was too late. I never used harsh language or yelled or anything like that. I simply played mind games and made then feel bad about themselves.

Honestly, I hope to never do that again to anyone. I even bought some books to read on the subject to help me out. I have a tendency to push people away when all I really want is a friend and companion. I believe I was badly emotionally abused when I was a child and it has left me with no self-esteem and a general feeling of worthlessness.

I consider myself ugly, weak, and small, but in general people say I'm muscular and good looking (I do work out regularly).

I have no friends and no girlfriend. I live all alone and I don't know what to do with myself.

Although I won't kill myself, suicide creeps into my head almost daily. Well, ok, more then just daily... more like every couple of hours if I don't keep my mind on something else.

I long for simple human touch and affection, is that too much to ask for? Even a simple touch on the hand brings me so much happiness like some kind of childhood need that was never met.
At least your trying to get better and you know you a prob. More than alot of the sick fucks out their can say. At least your not in denial.
Whoaisme, welcome to the forum =). Well, look on the bright side ya...come on lol... 2 girlfriends man...LoL, i am so envious of you man, I already have problems finding one, talk about having 2 lol....hummm on the serious note, can I ask you something, why are you depressed? Is it because you find your life always in a cycle?
Here's the thing about clinical depression. There really doesn't have to be major reasons in my life to be depressed. Oftentimes something really great might happen to me and I become sad for some odd reason.

I've been on antidepressants before but the side effects were too much. The sexual side effects are probably the worst (couldn't climax) and on top of that the suicidal thoughts were enhanced 10 fold. They did have some benefits... when I was on the right medication I would talk to people more often and I would feel like I was the happiest person alive. The dreams I had while on antidepressants were absolutely amazing, so vivid and lifelike.

I might give them another go when I get a chance.

Here is something I have learned a long time ago... Don't get a girlfriend just for sex. While the sex might be good, the relationship will be bad for both of you. You can't build a relationship off of sex alone.

Honestly I have never really loved my girlfriends. First and foremost I am afraid of having my heart broken and they both weren't really what I wanted looks wise. Call me shallow but I really cannot get past a girl being overweight. Typically being overweight is something you can change with a little dedication and minor lifestyle change. I wouldn't want a girl who is too skinny either, don't get me wrong.

I want a girl for once in the normal BMI range. So far I guess that's been too much to ask for.

What I really need to do is grow a pair and actually talk to random people. I mean it seems like the people who do all the talking get any partner they want. They are also typically not as intelligent and not afraid to make a fool out of themselves either out of bravery or ignorance.

I was sitting next to a relatively cute girl in class the other day and it took me 15 minutes of sitting there just fidgeting and growing anxious to simply shoot the breeze and ask her how long it took her to get her parking spot that day. I felt proud of myself that I actually did it, but if I did that more often I think I would meet a great deal more people.

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