Feel like giving up on people

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lost1

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Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I am nice to friends and treat them how I would want to be treated. It is never reciprocal though. It feels like it is always me giving and giving and never getting anything back in return. These people will go to a movie but don't invite me. They will go out to eat and not invite me etc. When I have a problem they don't listen. How come I am good enough to walk their dog or listen to their problems or help them out but I am not good enough to be invited anywhere with them? It feels like nice people finish last. I have tried to ask them to go somewhere with me but it is like we'll go next week etc but it never happens. I am working on cutting ties with these people but it is hard to make friends when you are not very outgoing. :(
 
lost1 said:
Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I am nice to friends and treat them how I would want to be treated. It is never reciprocal though. It feels like it is always me giving and giving and never getting anything back in return. These people will go to a movie but don't invite me. They will go out to eat and not invite me etc. When I have a problem they don't listen. How come I am good enough to walk their dog or listen to their problems or help them out but I am not good enough to be invited anywhere with them? It feels like nice people finish last. I have tried to ask them to go somewhere with me but it is like we'll go next week etc but it never happens. I am working on cutting ties with these people but it is hard to make friends when you are not very outgoing. :(

Not seeing you folks interact, it's hard to say what the problem is exactly; but not being outgoing may be the reason why (but I'm only guessing). Instead of dwelling on "not being good enough" since that's irrelevant, dwell on what you need to do to get the kind of friends you deserve whether it's them or other people and work towards that goal.

Try to find out how you come across to other people. Ask your coworkers or other students. Are you very quiet? Do you come across as arrogant because of your demeanor (you can come across as a certain way without actually being that way)? Remember, this has nothing to do with good or bad or right or wrong. Etc.

If you believe that the issue isn't you, then the problem is them; and being outgoing or not, you're just going to have to find new friends.
 
Lost1 I know how you feel, I have a thread somewhere similar to this. Whenever someone has a problem or need someone to talk to they go to me, I don't mind it because I like to help my friends out and everyone says I'm a voice of reason to them. But being an emotional dumping ground is tiring when they don't reciprocate it. I've learned that people are selfish, they want someone to unload to but don't want to be unloaded on because they have their own problems, not realizing that they are doing the exact same to you. There comes a point where you have to say screw this and worry about yourself. Next time one of your friends tries to dump on you try telling them that you'd love to listen and help them out but you have some issues of your own to deal with right now, so you are not in the right frame of mind. See what happens.

As for not being asked to hang out with them, it could be what Mary said, sometimes we don't realize how we are ourselves until someone points it out. Even then we don't want to always admit to it, my brother is that way. OR it could be because you know so much about them, their inner fears, secrets, something others might not know, so this could make them afraid to always have you around in case something slips out. OR they just don't want to share you with others.
 
i know how you feel lost1. at this point in my life i dont really even bother initiating new friends. if i happen to make one then great, but i dont have any expectations about it. it seems this is just how most people are. i myself was never very outgoing or talkative either. it seems that all anyone ever wants to do here is party or go out drinking and smoking. none of which is really of any interest to me. because of that i find it hard to connect with people and i guess thats why i never really got invited to much other than random parties that i didnt really want to go to.
 
Dear Lost,

It's hard to say what it is. Not to blame you but possibly to entertain possibilities...here is what I have observed in my own life regarding relationships. Oh, and if anyone disagrees with this please speak up!

Sometimes our shyness and non talkativeness can be a factor because people feel more comfortable when they feel the conversation will be easy and flowing than when it is not. This is not to blame you or make you wrong, I am just saying I do believe it makes friendship less accessible for quiet types. You can make friends but it needs to be with people who you really connect with so it will be more comfortable and easier for the both of you.

You say you give and give...and that is wonderful but I have found that if a person is trying too hard, giving away too much to a person who has not warranted it...this gives off the vibe of "needy" and "trying too hard" and giving too much of yourself (not respecting yourself). You may not be feeling any of these things but, unfortunately, in this world it could be interpreted as such because many people do not understand kindness without strings attached.

As for them taking what you have to offer without giving back, to me that could very well mean you are not respecting yourself enough and they are feeling that vibe unconsciously. ??? It's so lovely to give but I would suggest to not give so much to others who will not give back.

My last thought is maybe you are not friendly or giving to the right people. I have several people in my life who I have reached out to and they barely reciprocate. They don't appreciate me in their life. Yet, last night, I went to have tea with a new person, we hit it off, and this person suggested we go out again! I would say I made the right call for this person and he might be a deserving friend. We were both friendly, both listened, laughed, appreciated the visit and positive. You have to look for the same reciprocity in the other.

Does any of this ring true? Remember all is a learning process. Affirm you will find the answers.
 
@ Lost - the lack of being outgoing is not directly related to being mistreated.
There's nothing wrong with being introverted (unlike what SOME people have been inferring in their posts).
Plain and simple. All you have to do is focus on your attention on having a friend who will reciprocate. Those kind of people, regardless of whether they're outgoing or introverted, are usually worth having in your life.
Best wishes.
 
I hope some part of you realizes that this isn't about how you treat others, but what kind of person they are. Keep meeting new people, and eventually good people will arrive in your life, if you have the audacity to want them to exist badly enough. But give up on them, and you'll just be hurting yourself worse than any other person can hurt you.
 
You could have one of a host of problems. We need more details.
 
You can't expect people to do anything for you, even as something simple as being a friend. You can give yourself all you want, but they don't have to do the same. It sounds like to me that you try really hard to make friends. I'd say, don't try so hard. If someone will like you, they'll like you regardless. If they don't like you, then there's nothing you can do. You can't control how others are, and you can't assume they'll be your friend just because you give to them. You can't buy real friendships.
 
hazelblue said:
@ Lost - the lack of being outgoing is not directly related to being mistreated.
There's nothing wrong with being introverted (unlike what SOME people have been inferring in their posts).
Plain and simple. All you have to do is focus on your attention on having a friend who will reciprocate. Those kind of people, regardless of whether they're outgoing or introverted, are usually worth having in your life.
Best wishes.

I'd like to believe what you say is true. Maybe it is, but it really is very rare and almost non-existent. The above poster, HappyYoggi, what she/he says sounds like it makes more sense. Fact is, when people walk into a room, they really do look for the ones who are confidence, have interesting things to say - basically the life of the party. If you are quiet, usually by yourself, reserved, not too confident, people are not likely to want to get to know you.

It's true. In every social gathering I go, it is always the loud, boistorous and interesting individuals who end up having more friends than the quiet one. The quiet one usually ends up standing in the corner or really just talking to a few only.

I think sadly, this is how the world is. What you say is nice, it is ideal, but it is not real.
 
I know how you feel about giving up on people. Been there and done it. No matter what you do, people want nothing to do with you. You see nothing wrong with yourself, so naturally the only conclusion to draw is that it is everyone else.

You sound like me in everything you say, so I know what you're thinking/feeling. I understand, honestly. Very sad. Even on this website, a place set up so people could find support, comfort, and there is very little effort made here by anyone. I've spoken to a few people who've left now because no one ever bothered with them. It seems to be the same everywhere, whether it's on the outside world or on the internet. People want you when you're useful. If you offer them nothing, you may as well not exist as far as they're concerned.

I've already given up on people in my town. I have no faith in them anymore. So, I'm leaving my lifelong home for, hopefully, greener pastures. A new start where I can renew my faith in human beings, restore my belief in happy endings. Maybe you need a new start as well, a new set of faces. It seems those you are with currently have no interest unless it suits them. I don't want to upset or dishearten you, but these people won't change unless you change.

What do you need to change? Maybe you need to not bother with them when they come crawling. I had a girl who never bothered with me. I tried and tried and tried to be friendly with her. She wasn't arsed. I ignored her, became all nonchalant, and now she won't leave me be. Or maybe you show a darker side. Show humanity. From experience, I know that in the pursuit of friendship, we are very careful what we show. Maybe we need to stop trying to be perfect and just be ourselves. Let people see that they're dealing with a flawed individual with passion and emotions rather than a clean as a whistle automaton just set up to please them.

So, you're close to giving up. Don't blame you. I understand completely why you are. You're just one bad day away from where I am. First though, look at yourself. See if there is anything you can improve in your approach. Do things differently. If nothing changes. Give up, move on and start afresh somewhere else.

All the best.
 
If you read unlucky in life's thread, it's sorta more scary that people spend too long on others who won't help themselves than too little.
 
I knew someone in real life (who I was classmates with) who had a similar problem. She was always giving giving and giving to people, and she wondered why she had no friends. She was extremely nice, too nice to the point people would take advantage of it. She was also insecure, shy, gloomy and had no sense of humor. So people found her boring. I'm not sure if this is the case for you...
 
hellomiko said:
I knew someone in real life (who I was classmates with) who had a similar problem. She was always giving giving and giving to people, and she wondered why she had no friends. She was extremely nice, too nice to the point people would take advantage of it. She was also insecure, shy, gloomy and had no sense of humor. So people found her boring. I'm not sure if this is the case for you...

People are really cruel. If I met your friend, I'd appreciate her giving and I'd try to help her with her insecurities. Being nice isn't boring. Being an idiot is.
 
This is why I gave up on people... they are just so dam selfish and ego centric.. Everyone just wants to be part of some "elite" little niche group.... Make me rage and fills me with a endless anger daily now. :(
 
People aren't usually mean and evil as some of your minds make them seem to be. We just perceive them as being like that. I thought everyone in my school was like that, but I found out that it was me not being very outgoing; now I know for the future of how I have to act in order to make friends.

But as in the case of the original post, you should never give and expect to be given back. Ask them to hang out with you, ask them if you could go with them. Logically, I believe they would say yes since you've done so much for them. If they don't, F them. Find new friends.
 
Ak5 said:
People aren't usually mean and evil as some of your minds make them seem to be. We just perceive them as being like that. I thought everyone in my school was like that, but I found out that it was me not being very outgoing; now I know for the future of how I have to act in order to make friends.

But as in the case of the original post, you should never give and expect to be given back. Ask them to hang out with you, ask them if you could go with them. Logically, I believe they would say yes since you've done so much for them. If they don't, F them. Find new friends.

Nope. I think they evil based on a lot of experience of them being that way.

People love to bully, reject and demand people conform to their ways. They are like packs.. social groups always have some alpha leader type who decides if you are going to be friends with anyone in the group and if you don't kiss his butt he uses the group to attack you.
 
ヾ(^▽^)ノ -Chippy said:
Ak5 said:
People aren't usually mean and evil as some of your minds make them seem to be. We just perceive them as being like that. I thought everyone in my school was like that, but I found out that it was me not being very outgoing; now I know for the future of how I have to act in order to make friends.

But as in the case of the original post, you should never give and expect to be given back. Ask them to hang out with you, ask them if you could go with them. Logically, I believe they would say yes since you've done so much for them. If they don't, F them. Find new friends.

Nope. I think they evil based on a lot of experience of them being that way.

People love to bully, reject and demand people conform to their ways. They are like packs.. social groups always have some alpha leader type who decides if you are going to be friends with anyone in the group and if you don't kiss his butt he uses the group to attack you.

Yes there are evil people out there who like to do that, but not most of the population is evil as I said. :D

If that is the case then why does most of the population have friends and live a normal life?
 

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