Story of my loneliness

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tialone

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Hello
I am male
i am 25
I was lonely all of my life. I am not weak. No! I've strong character. Nevertheless I am lonely almost all the time. I'll try to tell my story in this post....

My early school years:
I always was the smallest boy in the class. In addition i've had very slow reaction. Another boys pick on me all the times. And I fought with them all the time. I did not have friends at all.

IN nxt years i'd gain strange disease. shutters of my eyes closed and I could open them only with my fingers. It made my very interactive so I could not found friends. My parents were very poor so they did not find me a doctor so i do now what that disease was even now. so almost all my school years i was alone and did not have nether friends nor girlfriends. it were awful years...

After school i enroll to university but i've the same disease and during first years of studying did not have a friends and girls. I kiss girl first time after i finished second year in university. It occurred in summer. i liked summer because in that time i could looked attractive when i weared black glasses and bond my shutters. In addition in the night my eyes were normal. So when i's 19 i met girl in night club and kissed in first time. She was 10 years older than me. After that during two years i met in night clubs two girls and kissed them. But I never dated because I looks awfully in the day...

when i was 22 i met girl in the another town and we went to the vacation together. There i had a sex first time. But i did not love her and do not want to build relationship. During years of loneliness I read thousands of books so i hate stupid people as her was.

After that i find my first full-time job in newspaper, and fall in love to my boss. She was 10 years older than me, she was married and had 3 doughtier. I did not even hope to date with her but i was happy to see her every day. i was happy every time when i was her especially when she told that I am better than another. So after 3 month of working i became the best journalist in newspaper where worked more than 100 experience journalists... But after one year I understand that she manipulated my. She gave me a lot of work so i had to work all day and all nights, but my wage was two times lower than that of her husband who do nothing.

After that I quit this job and move to capital of my country. There I fall in love to editor in chief of magazine that was competitor of magazine in which i worked. She was incredible girl 4 years older than me. I drunk with her almost every day and she regard me as realy interesting person. But when i told that i want to date her she answer that want that we were just friends...

After a half a year i fell in love to another women that were 6 years older than me, but she did not love me. After another half a year i beceme a friend and after that fell in love to CEO of PR-agensy. But she wanted that we were only friends...

It is not end...a year ago a fell in love to another girl that was 5 years older than me, and her told me now. It was very sad experience. I drank a lot. And thought that i can not love now young girl.... I do not now why.... They are uninteresting for my fully. i have not had during this time male friends too.... I ve never bee happy...

Approximately 2 years ago i decided that girls did not love me because i earned less money than they. So i decided to get U.S. MBA... I studied English, passed exam, spending for this tremendous amount of time, and maybe i'll move to USA next year for studying..... but.... I all the time omens or sex.... (I look VERY well now) but i can not explain her my true story. story of my loneliness and that a always way unhappy... I tell this story only ones to girl that were director of PR-agency. After i told this story she cease to communicate with me because decide that i an not a man and i was weak.... FOr building really good relationship i have to tell my story but that story will make me inattentive. In addition i did not fell anything to any girl for a year.... I communicate with some girls but can not tell them my true story and i do not live them.... I am afraid that i'll be alone always and nobody understand me..... I do not know what to do...... give me advice, please.......
 
hello, and welcome. I'm knew here, too.

Your story is sad and I sympathize. It is hard to have difficulties interacting.

I wanna give you advice, but I'm not feeling that well myself. I'm a woman, in my 40s. I suffer of loneliness, too. I'm not shy, so, I can "make" friends. But I can't keep them. I end up alone again.

I think you shouldn't tell the women about your story of loneliness at the beginning. I'm not telling you to lie, just not to start by that. You can say you have some issues (who doesn't?), but not go into details. Give them time to know you better, the person you are.

You seem to duel in past negative experiences [I do the same... :-( ], and people like us (sorry if I'm mistaken) seem too complicated to "normal" people. I may be all wrong here...

I try too hard. I can't just be relaxed when I meet a new person, because I'm kind of "traumatized" (that's a too hard word) from the past experiences. The person we've just met has own issues. At the beginning of a relationship, we don't wanna have "drama". I guess this is it. So, people like me come all "heavy", full of "issues", fears, and I end up scaring my new made "friends".

I don't know if it makes sense to you. I'm saying that, because perhaps you suffer of the same problem.

You had some difficult loves (married women)... and bosses. I wouldn't have a relationship at the work place. As a woman, we're more weary of problems that could happen, like us being judged, looked down by others, criticized.

So, the fact these women didn't "work" for you, could be just the fact it was at work and they didn't wanna have a relationship with a work colleague. The age gaps don't seem much (5, even 6 years).

I've already had that a man had relationship with me, and he'd talk about our intimacy to his friends, who were also working with me. I was devastated.

I don't mean you'd do the same. I'm just saying women are afraid of this kind of things. It could be a reason your relationships at work didn't "work" (pun not intended).

About your eyelid problem: try to find help on the net. Or at an university hospital. I hope you're eventually diagnosed.

I'm trying to help, but I'm a bit messed up, too, so, take what I say with a pinch of salt. Forgive me if I've said anything that offended you. I'm really trying to help, to connect. I don't know how to talk to people... I'm sorry if I said something that was not appropriate.
 
My only thought from what you've said is that you seem to fall in love too easily.
 
Hi Tialone, It sounds like you have had a hard time. I think it is better to start out a little more causal and let real feelings grow. Love takes awhile to develop. Maybe you get infatuated a little too fast with some of these girls. I'd also hold off on telling anyone this whole story until you really got to know each other. Too much information, too fast can put people off. Let them see your good personality before you throw all the problems at them.
 
kgu said:
hello, and welcome. I'm knew here, too.

Your story is sad and I sympathize. It is hard to have difficulties interacting.

I wanna give you advice, but I'm not feeling that well myself. I'm a woman, in my 40s. I suffer of loneliness, too. I'm not shy, so, I can "make" friends. But I can't keep them. I end up alone again.

I think you shouldn't tell the women about your story of loneliness at the beginning. I'm not telling you to lie, just not to start by that. You can say you have some issues (who doesn't?), but not go into details. Give them time to know you better, the person you are.

You seem to duel in past negative experiences [I do the same... :-( ], and people like us (sorry if I'm mistaken) seem too complicated to "normal" people. I may be all wrong here...

I try too hard. I can't just be relaxed when I meet a new person, because I'm kind of "traumatized" (that's a too hard word) from the past experiences. The person we've just met has own issues. At the beginning of a relationship, we don't wanna have "drama". I guess this is it. So, people like me come all "heavy", full of "issues", fears, and I end up scaring my new made "friends".

I don't know if it makes sense to you. I'm saying that, because perhaps you suffer of the same problem.

You had some difficult loves (married women)... and bosses. I wouldn't have a relationship at the work place. As a woman, we're more weary of problems that could happen, like us being judged, looked down by others, criticized.

So, the fact these women didn't "work" for you, could be just the fact it was at work and they didn't wanna have a relationship with a work colleague. The age gaps don't seem much (5, even 6 years).

I've already had that a man had relationship with me, and he'd talk about our intimacy to his friends, who were also working with me. I was devastated.

I don't mean you'd do the same. I'm just saying women are afraid of this kind of things. It could be a reason your relationships at work didn't "work" (pun not intended).

About your eyelid problem: try to find help on the net. Or at an university hospital. I hope you're eventually diagnosed.

I'm trying to help, but I'm a bit messed up, too, so, take what I say with a pinch of salt. Forgive me if I've said anything that offended you. I'm really trying to help, to connect. I don't know how to talk to people... I'm sorry if I said something that was not appropriate.

Hello, Kgu
thanks for reading my story and trying to help very much!

maybe you are right that we seem complicated for another "normal" people, especially after hearing story of loneliness. So for building relationship it is better do not tell this story. (I told my this story to women only one time in the life and this killed relationship immediately) But in another hand ideal relationship can be only whether women and man understand each other very well. It is endless circle...

i guess people subconsciously feel my and your loneliness, and this issue deters them. It is another problem... people do not love ones who are lonely.

when i met new person i can be relaxed but I have a problems after a time... perhaps one of the main problems is that after falling in love i became very stupid....

definitely these problems can be solved. But in which way? It is possible to be successful in all another fields, and do another interesting things, as I try to do now... but it is now way for solving problem but for going away from it...

how are you going to solve your problems?
Maybe your and my ways will be resemble..

ps. i did not wrote in post but problems with my eyes disappeared 3 years ago =)



@A new life,

maybe i really falling in love very quikely... it is problem

@Sierra
i did not tell story to majority of women, but relationsip was unsuccessful... problem is very complicated .... but thanks for replay......
 
tialone,

thank you for replying to my reply. :)

I really think people can smell our "fear" (I mean our issues, our loneliness, and the "traumas" we've got along the way, our insecurities, etc).

I do think we try too hard. We have to learn to be "cool". I don't really know what it means, and I'll be watching a few movies with cool people to try to find it out. But I'll work on it: learning to be cool.

We think we should "really know people". We're wrong. I think people like to be superficial. They don't wanna get involved. At least, not for a long time, till they really are interested on you. We have to learn to be superficial, talk only about superficial things. I'm saying "we", but I mean "I". This is "my" experience and I don't know if anyone feels the same... I'm just sharing my "finds" in the issue.

I've gathered some subjects are OK. Like the weather. Some subjects aren't OK: all nerdy stuff should be kept to oneself. Another thing: you can tell people about things that went wrong (superficial things), but never about what went right. If you talk about your successes, then you're "bragging". But only superficial misfortunes. Nothing serious. Never talk about a pain, a health issue, something really nasty that happened to you.

If you have cheated on school, that's something that goes well on talks. Unfortunately, I've never done that, so I have to keep quiet. I won't lie just to be popular. Nerds suffer!

You know, I always hear expressions like "having a good time", etc. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I'm not criticizing people who do things, I'm just saying I don't. Lots of people associate alcohol with "having a good time". So, they won't think of me for "having a good time"...

I'm a woman, but I don't like shopping. So, I just can't make female friends. What do I do when they go shopping? I used to drive "friends" to the shops. While they were shopping, I'd sit somewhere and wait. Then they'd say "oh, you're so depressed". I wasn't depressed: I was bored. I've stopped driving people to shop. I thought it was a good thing to do, but it isn't enough to drive them: if you don't actually shop with them, you're still a nerd.

I'm nerdy, kind of an intellectual type. People don't know how to "have a good time" with a nerd.

Well, I don't know how I'm gonna solve my problem. For one thing, I'll really try to hide I'm not "normal" from people. I'm not saying we should lie. Of course not. But I won't start talking about my issues with people who're just in it for "having a good time", whatever they mean with it.

I won't talk about my issues. I won't talk about my problems to communicate, or my being lonely. People don't wanna know. They just wanna "have a good time".

The "clue" to reveal this "dark side" (my issues with loneliness) of me will be when the "normal" people start to talk about THEIR dark side. Because we all have got one. We all have issues.

I won't be giving more information than what they give. If they use 2 minutes to talk about non-superficial things, I'll use 1 min 30 seconds.

Another thing: when they talk about superficial things I'm not gonna come up with nerdy comments. Like: suppose they talk about Egypt. I won't come up with things I've seen there (I've been to Egypt several times), nor the fact I speak a little Arabic, nor the information I've learned by reading books and newspapers. I'll keep my comments as superficial as theirs. It's like "oh, have you seen the news about Egypt?" I'll say something like "yeah". And that's it.

I won't be telling people I don't drink. If they wanna go for a drink, I'll go along, then I'll ask a soda. If they comment on it, I'll just say something like "oh, I'm just having a sugar fix for now", but I won't tell I don't drink alcohol.

For the record: my not drinking alcohol, etc, has nothing to do with religion! I'm an atheist. And I don't mean to criticize anyone. I'm just like this. I can't pretend to be someone else, or to like things I don't.

So, I won't lie, because my parents taught me not to, and I don't wanna to, because it is wrong. But I will omit. Omit. If they ask what I've done over the weekend, I won't be telling what books I've read. I'll just say "stuff".

I won't be trying so hard either. Like: if nobody calls me, I won't call. I won't "impose" my presence, my calls, on anyone. I try too hard. I'll try to be "cool", like "normal" people.

I'll see how it works.

Come to think of it, even if you're married: at the beginning, since it's all new and superficial, it's OK. Then, with time, the couple is confronted with problems (life is never easy). Then the couple start to have problems between them. So, relationships work when they're at a superficial level. Going to movies, chatting about the weather, etc. No deep issues...

It's complicated. No, I don't have answers. I only have lots of questions.

I'll say something nerdy I'd say if we were conversing: "Socrates realized that, when he said that the more we know, the more we know we don't know: "I know that I know nothing"".

Yeah, a nerdy like me talks about Socrates: no wonder I've got no friends! Socrates?!!? I really need to learn to say "cool" to start and end all conversations.

I'm happy to know your eye problem is sorted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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