Hate my life, feel worthless, like a failure, hard to stay positive?? :(

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nzrusski

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I am a new member here, this is my first thread, but I'll introduce myself a bit further and my situation.

I am of 18 years of age, I've been living in New Zealand since the age of 3 1/2, since my family immigrated from Russia. My names Victor, thats about it I guess.

Anyhow I will go on and explain my situation, so bare with me since it might seem like a long post and a very long novel :/.

I've been suffering depression for well over 2 years now, I feel empty and lonely at times, I have lost count of the amount of times I have cried and wept at night before sleep, the times I felt worthless and hopeless in my situation, the times I felt I was better to end up dead. But I don't think I could ever kill or harm myself as its my biggest fear and I could never think of suicide to fix my problem, which is why I've been staying positive for years, but its extremely hard in my situation.

I don't know what to do.

Since the first day of primary (elementary) school till the end of high school I've experienced cruelty, humilation from others, I was bullied for my differences, for being socially awkward, having a funny hoarse voice, skinny and because of my nose which was said to be big. I only had 2 close friends in high school and basically everyone else avoided me and thought I was a creep, especially girls, I got stabbed and used by someone who I thought was a genuine friend who made and edited videos of me to make me look like a total pervert and creep during high school which affected me badly.

Kids would exclude me from groups and what not at primary school, I barely had any friends besides a close odd one out who actually cared.

I hated school and did very badly in high school, was lazy, never did my homework or studied for exams and failed a lot more often than I passed, some teachers would even bully me or treat me like I was a disappointment. I finished high school 2 years ago and was glad.

I live with my mother and older and younger sister, my mother can't work since shes on sickness benefit and relies on me and my older sister to pay for things, basically I pay for my own living costs which costs me $150 NZD a week. I don't really get along with my mother or siblings since they never really seem to understand me, they complain about me a lot, my mother always mentions that she would be more proud had I worked harder in school and what not, and be a better son :(.

My father doesn't give a honeysuckle about me, he lives the life of luxury with his gf whos half his age and a gold digger, does not support me and rarely ever makes contact with me.

I have a part time job which pays me pretty much minimum wage $13.50 NZD an hour thats including tax which I only end up getting $11.50 an hour :(, as well as not enough hours which make it hard to make enough income to help out. I'm sick of the job since its all physical labour. I've applied to many places for a full time job but never have success cause no one calls me back, even spoke to managers, and still nothing, I have no experience other than hospitality which Im sick of, and its hard to find a job nowday's, too much competition even for the lowest paying jobs.

I have a few close friends but 80% of them are always busy with work or their own girlfriends so I only get to see them once every few weeks.

I have no car, and working my way to obtaining my restricted license in manual transmission, I'm on my learners, while everyone I know has their full :/, I took an instructor from AA this week so he could check my driving ability on the road and he called me hopeless and made me feel really bad on the road, which killed my self confidence on the road, everyone else I know have said my driving was good, Ive been learning for 6 months now.

I'm very skinny, I weigh about 55-60KG (120lb??), I'm 5"11. I took up weightlifting 2 years ago and got no where, spending hundreds of dollars on muscle mass gaining diets,my gym membership,supplements and failed badly, but always reworked and planned everything out again but was still unsuccessful over many row of times, worked on a year and a half and I'm still the same skinny guy :( which kills my self esteem, I quit the gym last year cause I lost interest in it and couldn't afford to pay for it every week as well as the food and what not since it was expensive :(.

I've never had a girlfriend, my first kiss, I'm still a virgin, I masturbate often and watch porn to get rid of my sexual urges and afterwards I feel guilty and disgusted with myself, and and while it doesn't so much bother me that I'm a virgin which actually proud of, its the companionship and longing for someone who I can care about and be affectionate with. I had my first date a few weeks ago and I'm unsure how that went since we didn't do much other than talk which is what she wanted, the girl said she was still interested but we barely talk as she said she has her own problems at the moment to deal with so I gave her space.

My other experiences with girls have been horrible, I've been called a stalker once, I've been rejected as well as at times when I've had girls would give me out their numbers, but would play mind games with me only because they loved the attention I gave them, I realized I became clingy and needy so I stopped looking for someone anymore. I've been told Im fairly attractive or cute by some girls, but at times I find it hard to believe. At times I feel confident but still get no where so basically Ive stopped all together, sick of girls and them dating the wrong guys then bitching to me about their problems while not giving a honeysuckle about how I feel.

I hate valentines day, and I as much as it sounds wrong I am happy for my close friends who are in a relationship but I hate feeling envious at times because a lot of them have a lot going for them. I know theres a saying you have to love yourself first before you can love someone, to be honest I don't believe in it, I'm not religious, and at times if the saying is so true then I might as well end up lonely forever and never loved since I can't even love myself and I've been making a lot of effort to change my life around but still no success every time I come across to the same exact situation I was in before and get fed up and depressed about it, and I get over it and work on it again but alas, still the same honeysuckle over and over, its a vicious cycle.

I studied at a technical institute last year, but it was situated in a bad area, did a Diploma in IT and it wasn't bad but the area I studied in I hated, there was no one I could relate to,no girls :(, no one my age with the same interest, everyone was of polynesian or indian/asian ethnicity who were well over the age of their 30s studying for their qualification, I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone at all, even culturally. I managed to pass 17 papers last year but failed one which I have to study part time this year plus another paper :(, which kind of annoyed me but I was okay with it. I can't get into University since I don't have the right grades or requirements to study in there so I don't bother.

Everyone my age wants to party, get drunk. I've been to 2 parties in my life and they sucked, I rarely drink, I don't smoke, I don't out to bars or clubbing cause it isn't my scene, but a lot of people my age do so its hard to find anyone I can relate to, especially girls. I also listen to rock and metal music, and everyone here my age listens to their stupid mainstream,rap or hip hop music which I can't stand, so I don't share a lot of interests than most people, so with most people it would be very hard to relate.

I've taken therapy sessions, called online help services and that never helped, everything costs money here which I can't afford. I have no hobbies, and lost interest in anything, I have no talents, I use to do kickboxing 3 years ago for 5 years when I was younger but stopped going cause lack of transport and my father stopped paying for it. I also use to play Ice Hockey when I was 8 till I was 10 but never was good enough and got an infection on my leg so I stopped going too. I tried learning guitar but realized I didn't like it at all so I stopped doing that as well.

I don't know what I want to do, I don't have any outlook in life, Id love to travel around Canada,the US if I had the money, most likely in the future, but other than that I don't know, I'm just so sick of being ******* depressed because of my loneliness, I seriously don't know what I'll be doing 10 years down the road or where I'll be, I try to keep myself occupied, most times I have a lot of time to spare so I end up playing video games at home, I had game addiction but managed to beat it but I still game once in a while, I always end up going to be around 3-5am every day for the past 4 years now cause I prefer to surf the net, chat to people online instead of sleep.

Anyway to be honest it scares me, but I'm still trying to live my life and make the most of it, and remain positive but at times I think I might end up dying an early age and realizing I died a virgin, a loser, a failure with nothing achieved in his own **** life and all the effort and hard work was taken for granted. I wished I could write so much more but it would take me hours on end to explain further :(

I wished there was an easy fix, but most of all I hate being unhappy majority of the times, and believing theres a sense of hope in my life for things to workout for the better, but nope, still the same honeysuckle over and over.. just another vicious cycle to make me feel even worse.
 
My first suggestion is that you write a MUCH MUCH shorter version of this post.
I read your post while eating breakfast, and had the food ran out sooner I wouldn't have finished reading this novel.

Sounds like you're trying, with all the activities you mentioned. And that's a good thing.

I've found help in books on happiness and audio books.
A lot of the Buddhist stuff helps with the day to day pursuit of happiness.
I'm NOT talking about Buddhism as a religion, but the philosophy.
I'm not religious and would have dropped it in a heartbeat had it not been for the fact that
Buddhist philosophy is about making THIS LIFE happier.

Pema Chodron has some audio books on Audible.com that have helped me a lot.
My favorite is GETTING UNSTUCK.

Let me say once again, we're talking about self-help, not religion, or worship, or anything of the kind.

Good luck to you.
 
NZRUSSKI ~ I HEREBY CHALLENGE YOU TO RE-WRITE YOUR INTRO DESCRIBING ONLY GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF. DON'T GIVE ME ANY BULLSHIT EXCUSE THAT THERE'S NOTHING GOOD TO TELL US. I ONLY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU LIKE, EVERYTHING YOU ENJOY, EVERY GOOD EXPERIENCE YOU'VE HAD, AND ONLY POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOU. NO MORE PITY-PARTY FOR YOU, LITTLE BOY. GROW UP AND CHANGE YOUR HORRIBLY NEGATIVE ATTITUDE. THAT'S WHEN YOUR LIFE WILL GET BETTER! THANKS, LGH:)
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HEY YOU! ~ YEAH, YOU! ~ C'MON! ~ SNAP OUT OF IT! ~ STOP WHINING! ~ QUIT BITCHING! ~ NO MOANING! ~ STOP COMPLAINING! ~ GET OVER IT!









 
Wow, what happened to you in high school sucks. People (teenagers especially) can be so cruel and never think about how their actions will effect a person. It just goes to show what kind of person they are though, a worthless one.

None of us really know where we will be in 10 years from now, the world is changing. Keep pressing forward though, focus on your future and what you want in life. Make something out of yourself. Then maybe one day you can rub your success in the faces of those who picked on you :D
 
Thanks for the responses guys,

I will try to write a shorter version of my situation.

So Basically:

-Ive Been bullied since the age of 5 till end of high school at the age of 17, abused verbally,left out of groups,humiliated and so forth.

-Have a unreliable,unsupporting and uncaring father who lives the life of luxury while I'm stuck trying to financially support my own mother, and live with my 2 sisters

-I have self esteem problems, especially with my weight (I'm skinny), I took action 2 years ago to hit the gym, eat more often to build up muscle mass and made alot of effort and tried not to give up, but always after every few months id find myself replanning and restarting cause I kept failing, it cost me a substantial amount of money. I have been told I'm cute and fairly attractive from some attractive girls which did boost my confidence but approaching girls has been a disaster, most girls I talk to are over on the internet.

-I've never had a girlfriend in my life, no first kiss, not even ever did anything with a girl, I make effort once in a while but I'm not desperate or anything, but the loneliness does kill me at times, as well seeing other couples.

-I only have a close friends which is a good thing but I barely get to see them very often only once in a while which is every few weeks since they are busy very often with their own lifes.

-No one wants to employ me, I've not faced one interview or received one phone call at all, I've had my CV checked by other employers and all said it was good, but hence its been really difficult to obtain a job especially with no experience in anything besides hospitality which I'm sick of.

-I don't know what I want to do yet, especially for a career, but I do know where I want to be in a few years down the track but at times I feel it may seem impossible.

-I suffer from depression :/, I get depressed every once in a while, one time I can be happy and another time I can be so negative and unhappy

-No Car, Still on learners but I'm making a lot of effort to get further so I can gain the independence to drive on my own.

-I have no talents or proper hobbies.

-I find it hard to relate to a lot of people my age since all they want to do is party party, get drunk and whatever.

I could write a lot more about what bothers me to this day, and yes I am trying to stay positive and not give up, suicide really isn't an option for me I wouldn't be able to do that to my family and my friends, and death does scare me,I really want to get somewhere with my life, but at times I can't help feeling hopeless and worthless in my situation, but I always try to remain strong and positive, taking action to get somewhere with my life but always end up in the same situation or worse, but the past few years well I've made little progress, and I feel like time is ticking so fast, I will be 19 in may and I won't be getting any younger, I feel like my whole teenage and childhood years have went to waste for nothing.




 
Thank you for sharing ur story and ur life. I can relate to you.
Thats basically how my life was alomst like when I was 18...I got bullied N picked on..then when I got home..I got the beat me down N put me down...
I had no positive encouragements any where I turned. I felt anything I do wasnt good enough.

Theres actually nothing wrong with you...ur enviorment effected you..mentally, emoyional and spiritually...

Anyways...work on urself esteem.
Be ur own best friend. Be good to urself...

Maybe wirte out ur hopes and dreams...what you want from ur life..
Make a list of everthing you want to or achvive...what you want...not ur family or friend..

Maybe moving out might also be good for u...get away from that dysfunctional enviorment...
Keep Posting and keep reaching out.
 
Write whatever you want to write. Express whatever you want to express...Its Okay. You dont have to do anything or be anything..
 
Yeah, keep on being negative and make everything as hard as possible for yourself. Keep on playing the role of victim. Keep on blaming everyone else for all your misfortune. While you're at it, don't take responsibility for anything in your life. Always look at the glass as half empty. Go through life looking for pity from others. Don't set any goals for yourself. Don't give yourself any chance for success. Continue chasing a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Almost 19 years old and firmly dedicated to an entire life of negativity? Perhaps get some free counseling? Oh honeysuckle, I'm sure you'll have some excuse why you can't do anything positive to help yourself. Yeah, keep on travelling the path of misery and defeat you've paved for yourself. You are the cause of all your unhappiness.






 
it sounds like you've had a tough life. (hug)
You just have to find something that you enjoy and keep doing that to build your self esteem. Maybe you could also try volunteering to make you feel good about yourself. You'll be helping others and that will take the focus off yourself.

As to LGH.... I don't really think bitching and criticizing is going to do a **** thing. nzrusski has been here a VERY short time and I'm sure does NOT want to hear all that honeysuckle. Chill out and lay off.
 
Callie said:
As to LGH.... I don't really think bitching and criticizing is going to do a **** thing. nzrusski has been here a VERY short time and I'm sure does NOT want to hear all that honeysuckle. Chill out and lay off.

Callie, I'll ask you politely to mind your own business and don't treat Victor like an idiot. If he doesn't like what I've said to him in the two posts I wrote then he's most welcome to tell me. I don't think you should be speaking on anyone's behalf. What I said to Victor in BOTH of my posts was EXTREMELY valuable. Just because you don't agree does not give you the right to mouth off to me. If you don't like my posts then use the ignore option. I care about people like Victor, and I'm going to be straight with him and anyone else who wallows in self-pity and negativity, and who won't take responsibility for the direction of their lives. Trust me that I'm not wasting my time giving YOU an explanation; I'm thinking about all the other Victors out there who need good advice and a boot in the ass. Callie, I know you've misjudged me completely. I'll be willing to graciously accept your apology if you wish to offer one. Otherwise, c'est la vie, I don't care if you do or don't. LGH:)







 
LGH1288 said:
Callie said:
As to LGH.... I don't really think bitching and criticizing is going to do a **** thing. nzrusski has been here a VERY short time and I'm sure does NOT want to hear all that honeysuckle. Chill out and lay off.

Callie, I'll ask you politely to mind your own business and don't treat Victor like an idiot. If he doesn't like what I've said to him in the two posts I wrote then he's most welcome to tell me. I don't think you should be speaking on anyone's behalf. What I said to Victor in BOTH of my posts was EXTREMELY valuable. Just because you don't agree does not give you the right to mouth off to me. If you don't like my posts then use the ignore option. I care about people like Victor, and I'm going to be straight with him and anyone else who wallows in self-pity and negativity, and who won't take responsibility for the direction of their lives. Trust me that I'm not wasting my time giving YOU an explanation; I'm thinking about all the other Victors out there who need good advice and a boot in the ass. Callie, I know you've misjudged me completely. I'll be willing to graciously accept your apology if you wish to offer one. Otherwise, c'est la vie, I don't care if you do or don't. LGH:)

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Victor,I'll give you two advices...

One: Become what they clame you are. Since your "reputation" is already ruined with them,at least have fun with it and "troll" (internet term) them and have fun with it. Mock their accent and show off your sexy russian accent. Mock their overtaned faces. Mock their plastic lifes. Mock them till your head hurts of you laughing so much.

Two: Since you are into colleage and a new life,I think,have a new start with new people and by that,you should realize that,around these people,you are considered on their exact level,cause you barely now each other. That'll allow you to be you,and to have friends who you can call real friends.
 
Hi mintymint ~ Regret that I don't have another smiley face to post; it's the only one had. Do you have some advice you'd like to offer to Victor?







 
LGH1288 said:
Hi mintymint ~ Regret that I don't have another smiley face to post; it's the only one had. Do you have some advice you'd like to offer to Victor?

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LGH1288 said:
Callie said:
As to LGH.... I don't really think bitching and criticizing is going to do a **** thing. nzrusski has been here a VERY short time and I'm sure does NOT want to hear all that honeysuckle. Chill out and lay off.

Callie, I'll ask you politely to mind your own business and don't treat Victor like an idiot. If he doesn't like what I've said to him in the two posts I wrote then he's most welcome to tell me. I don't think you should be speaking on anyone's behalf. What I said to Victor in BOTH of my posts was EXTREMELY valuable. Just because you don't agree does not give you the right to mouth off to me. If you don't like my posts then use the ignore option. I care about people like Victor, and I'm going to be straight with him and anyone else who wallows in self-pity and negativity, and who won't take responsibility for the direction of their lives. Trust me that I'm not wasting my time giving YOU an explanation; I'm thinking about all the other Victors out there who need good advice and a boot in the ass. Callie, I know you've misjudged me completely. I'll be willing to graciously accept your apology if you wish to offer one. Otherwise, c'est la vie, I don't care if you do or don't. LGH:)

Well aren't we riding high on the horse!
Callie was simply saying that you had no business telling this person to quit their bitching or that they're wallowing in a pity party. You wanna help this person turn their life around? Fine. But slapping them in the face isn't going to do it. In fact, it'll only get you slapped back - and again, by the people watching you do it.

An APOLOGY HUH?

Who are you to even imply that she should apologize? I don't think she was in the wrong. As if what you said wasn't abrasive enough, you were obnoxious enough to post pictures telling this person to shut up and deal with it!

If anyone should apologize, it's you. You should be apologizing to both Victor and Callie. She was not in the wrong for pointing out YOUR douchebaggery.
 
In regards to LGH:
This is a forum, I don't have to "mind my own business." These posts are here to be replied to and just because you don't like that I don't totally follow every **** word you say doesn't give you the right to call ME out. If you are allowed to give advice that borders on rude and arrogant, then I sure as hell am allowed the same right in regards to what you post.
And just where the hell did I call him an idiot????? Yeah, not one **** place. He's not the idiot in this thread (and it ain't me either, and yeah, I figure you'll go there next.)
Also, I know a hell of a lot more about what I'm talking about than you think and I also never said I was speaking FOR HIM, now did I? I'm speaking for myself and everyone I know who has problems like this. For all that you seem so **** cheery, I don't buy it. My opinion only, of course, and you can't stop me from speaking my mind or thinking the way I think. NO ONE IS GOING TO BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU SAY IF THEY DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IT AND IT SURE AS HELL AIN'T GONNA WORK IF THEY FEEL DOWN LIKE THIS AND YOU COME IN AND START CRITICIZING THEM AND YELLING AT THEM!

As for the apology you think you deserve. Get off your **** high horse, you don't deserve an apology because I didn't do a **** thing to apologize for.


And to the OP, sorry for hijacking your thread. ;)
 
Everyone stay on topic please.

And LGH, before you go around telling people to clean up their negative attitudes, maybe you should follow your own advice.

Thank you.
 
Thanks again guys, I appreciate some of the feedback and responses I've been given.

@LGH

Look I understand where your coming from, I'm not here to show everybody my own self pity, or my negativity, I am just stating what makes me depressed and unhappy in my current situation. I have made a lot of effort to change my situation around and nothing has worked so far, yes maybe I would of loved to do a few things differently in the past but I can't change what happened, I don't understand how everything thats happened to me has been my fault, and I'm the reason for all my unhappiness. I got neglected by other people when I was a child and a teenager, and the memories of it still affect me to this day, the fact I also have no support whats so ever from a uncaring father, the fact I am not financially stable and have to pay for my own living costs at home cause my mother can't work while also trying to obtain a full time job so someone can hire me and pay me, these are just some of the examples of issues I have been facing that were out of my own control. Maybe some things I can blame myself for which I could of done differently, that I'll admit, I wished I could of done things differently, but not everything has been because of me, you come and hop into my own shoes and you will understand why it is the way I feel.

And look I have tried to be a happier person for the past few years, most people would think I'm a happy, down to earth, and bubbly person with no issues whats so ever, when I tell other people I've never had a girlfriend for example, most are really surprised. I really don't tell anyone about my own issues besides my own close friends who can understand what I'm going through, because most people are quick to judge such as yourself. Theres many things which make me doubt my own life, and I know I am young but I honestly believe if things have turned out differently for me I would of been a much happier person to this day, and like I said I won't give up but I'm just really sick of the honeysuckle I have been dealing with all my whole life and nothing seems to have changed so far..

 

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