Hi everyone. I don't know if I should classify this as a cry for help or venting. I'm really confused with how I feel, so please bare with me.
So I was dating a girl for over six years, since ninth grade to about four months ago (junior in college now). After about one year I got the feeling it wasn't right. I stayed in the relationship for several reasons, the main one being my mother and father as well as my brother and his wife were high school sweethearts. I think subconsciously that made me want to force the relationship to work out. Before I go on I want to say that my ex is a really good person. She has a ton of good qualities and will make someone really happy someday, but unfortunately her and I just weren't right for each other.
Anyways, four months ago I finally told her I couldn't stay in the relationship. For about three weeks I felt horrible and went through the sadness associated with separating myself from someone who has been a huge part of my life for 6 years. We broke up a few weeks before finals so I did what I could to get through classes. Once classes ended I started drinking a lot more than usual, and started to feel a lot better about the whole situation. I began going out a lot, and bending over backwards to have one night stands (picking up women doesn't come easy to me). When I went back to school I kept up on my drinking, having between four and five drinks a night just to relax and go to sleep. About a month ago I was out drinking and blacked out. I woke up in a hospital with my jaw broken. I had to get surgery to repair my jaw, and it has been wired shut for the past four weeks. I was prescribed a lot of pain medication to get through the couple weeks after surgery, and advised not to drink during this time. I listened to my doctor and stopped drinking for the few weeks after surgery. When I stopped drinking, I realized I hadn't dealt with my emotions over the breakup. I thought about it and did the best I could to deal with the emotional pain and started to much better about the whole thing.
Well, yesterday I came home for spring break. As soon as I walked in the door my mother blended up a fruit smoothie for me, and I thought about how fortunate I was. My mom had been there for me throughout the beginning of the breakup but hadn't spoken to me about it since a couple weeks after the split. She started talking to me about college and then asked if I had spoken to my ex recently. I told her no I haven't spoken to her since the day it ended. My mom then said, "Well, you know she is dating again, and she is bringing the guy home for spring break to meet her family." As soon as my mom informed me of that my heart just sank to my stomach. I took a few minutes to digest it, then had a good cry. When I finally got a grip on myself I went grabbed a beer, the first I've had in five weeks, and started drinking. It felt like with each beer that heartbreak feeling dissipated more and more.
Now it is the next day and I've had some time to stop being melodramatic about the whole thing. I've been trying to deal with the issue and have thought about it quite a bit today. I know that I don't love her that way, it was the original reason for us breaking up. I just decided that my ego is just destroyed that she would move on from me so fast and have been dating a guy long enough that she wants to introduce him to her parents. This is making me feel worse because the alternative to that is for her to just be depressed about the breakup. Other than feeling sad about her having a new boyfriend, I have been feeling like an ******* for a lot of today because apparently I want her to be sad too. On top of that I feel even worse because I guess she knows how badly I've been doing with my broken jaw while she has found someone new and probably better for her than me (another shot to my ego).
I guess what I want out of this post is for someone to tell me I'm not a giant *******. Also, I want to believe that like my ex, I'll find someone new and better too.
I'm sorry for the length, and for posting my sob story. Just writing this out has made me feel a little better. I think I'll open up a word file after this and start writing daily journal entries or something. Thanks for reading!
So I was dating a girl for over six years, since ninth grade to about four months ago (junior in college now). After about one year I got the feeling it wasn't right. I stayed in the relationship for several reasons, the main one being my mother and father as well as my brother and his wife were high school sweethearts. I think subconsciously that made me want to force the relationship to work out. Before I go on I want to say that my ex is a really good person. She has a ton of good qualities and will make someone really happy someday, but unfortunately her and I just weren't right for each other.
Anyways, four months ago I finally told her I couldn't stay in the relationship. For about three weeks I felt horrible and went through the sadness associated with separating myself from someone who has been a huge part of my life for 6 years. We broke up a few weeks before finals so I did what I could to get through classes. Once classes ended I started drinking a lot more than usual, and started to feel a lot better about the whole situation. I began going out a lot, and bending over backwards to have one night stands (picking up women doesn't come easy to me). When I went back to school I kept up on my drinking, having between four and five drinks a night just to relax and go to sleep. About a month ago I was out drinking and blacked out. I woke up in a hospital with my jaw broken. I had to get surgery to repair my jaw, and it has been wired shut for the past four weeks. I was prescribed a lot of pain medication to get through the couple weeks after surgery, and advised not to drink during this time. I listened to my doctor and stopped drinking for the few weeks after surgery. When I stopped drinking, I realized I hadn't dealt with my emotions over the breakup. I thought about it and did the best I could to deal with the emotional pain and started to much better about the whole thing.
Well, yesterday I came home for spring break. As soon as I walked in the door my mother blended up a fruit smoothie for me, and I thought about how fortunate I was. My mom had been there for me throughout the beginning of the breakup but hadn't spoken to me about it since a couple weeks after the split. She started talking to me about college and then asked if I had spoken to my ex recently. I told her no I haven't spoken to her since the day it ended. My mom then said, "Well, you know she is dating again, and she is bringing the guy home for spring break to meet her family." As soon as my mom informed me of that my heart just sank to my stomach. I took a few minutes to digest it, then had a good cry. When I finally got a grip on myself I went grabbed a beer, the first I've had in five weeks, and started drinking. It felt like with each beer that heartbreak feeling dissipated more and more.
Now it is the next day and I've had some time to stop being melodramatic about the whole thing. I've been trying to deal with the issue and have thought about it quite a bit today. I know that I don't love her that way, it was the original reason for us breaking up. I just decided that my ego is just destroyed that she would move on from me so fast and have been dating a guy long enough that she wants to introduce him to her parents. This is making me feel worse because the alternative to that is for her to just be depressed about the breakup. Other than feeling sad about her having a new boyfriend, I have been feeling like an ******* for a lot of today because apparently I want her to be sad too. On top of that I feel even worse because I guess she knows how badly I've been doing with my broken jaw while she has found someone new and probably better for her than me (another shot to my ego).
I guess what I want out of this post is for someone to tell me I'm not a giant *******. Also, I want to believe that like my ex, I'll find someone new and better too.
I'm sorry for the length, and for posting my sob story. Just writing this out has made me feel a little better. I think I'll open up a word file after this and start writing daily journal entries or something. Thanks for reading!