Upset, hurting, and feeling like an *******.

Hi everyone. I don't know if I should classify this as a cry for help or venting. I'm really confused with how I feel, so please bare with me.


So I was dating a girl for over six years, since ninth grade to about four months ago (junior in college now). After about one year I got the feeling it wasn't right. I stayed in the relationship for several reasons, the main one being my mother and father as well as my brother and his wife were high school sweethearts. I think subconsciously that made me want to force the relationship to work out. Before I go on I want to say that my ex is a really good person. She has a ton of good qualities and will make someone really happy someday, but unfortunately her and I just weren't right for each other.

Anyways, four months ago I finally told her I couldn't stay in the relationship. For about three weeks I felt horrible and went through the sadness associated with separating myself from someone who has been a huge part of my life for 6 years. We broke up a few weeks before finals so I did what I could to get through classes. Once classes ended I started drinking a lot more than usual, and started to feel a lot better about the whole situation. I began going out a lot, and bending over backwards to have one night stands (picking up women doesn't come easy to me). When I went back to school I kept up on my drinking, having between four and five drinks a night just to relax and go to sleep. About a month ago I was out drinking and blacked out. I woke up in a hospital with my jaw broken. I had to get surgery to repair my jaw, and it has been wired shut for the past four weeks. I was prescribed a lot of pain medication to get through the couple weeks after surgery, and advised not to drink during this time. I listened to my doctor and stopped drinking for the few weeks after surgery. When I stopped drinking, I realized I hadn't dealt with my emotions over the breakup. I thought about it and did the best I could to deal with the emotional pain and started to much better about the whole thing.

Well, yesterday I came home for spring break. As soon as I walked in the door my mother blended up a fruit smoothie for me, and I thought about how fortunate I was. My mom had been there for me throughout the beginning of the breakup but hadn't spoken to me about it since a couple weeks after the split. She started talking to me about college and then asked if I had spoken to my ex recently. I told her no I haven't spoken to her since the day it ended. My mom then said, "Well, you know she is dating again, and she is bringing the guy home for spring break to meet her family." As soon as my mom informed me of that my heart just sank to my stomach. I took a few minutes to digest it, then had a good cry. When I finally got a grip on myself I went grabbed a beer, the first I've had in five weeks, and started drinking. It felt like with each beer that heartbreak feeling dissipated more and more.

Now it is the next day and I've had some time to stop being melodramatic about the whole thing. I've been trying to deal with the issue and have thought about it quite a bit today. I know that I don't love her that way, it was the original reason for us breaking up. I just decided that my ego is just destroyed that she would move on from me so fast and have been dating a guy long enough that she wants to introduce him to her parents. This is making me feel worse because the alternative to that is for her to just be depressed about the breakup. Other than feeling sad about her having a new boyfriend, I have been feeling like an ******* for a lot of today because apparently I want her to be sad too. On top of that I feel even worse because I guess she knows how badly I've been doing with my broken jaw while she has found someone new and probably better for her than me (another shot to my ego).

I guess what I want out of this post is for someone to tell me I'm not a giant *******. Also, I want to believe that like my ex, I'll find someone new and better too.

I'm sorry for the length, and for posting my sob story. Just writing this out has made me feel a little better. I think I'll open up a word file after this and start writing daily journal entries or something. Thanks for reading!

It's completely normal to feel this way after a breakup, especially after a 6 year relationship. You are not expected to be over this after only 4 months. In fact, it will probably take 4 more months to a year for you to get over this one.

Its ok that you haven't really dealt with your feelings yet but you need to start. No more drinking and no more one night stands. Its good that you have been able to keep no contact with your ex. I think you should keep that up until you are completely over the breakup.

It was stupid of your mother to mention anything about your ex bringing a guy home. You don't want any information about what she is up to. Don't check her facebook and make sure you tell your friends and family that you don't want to hear anything about your ex until you are completely over her.

You are not an *******. You are just dealing with the feelings that surface when this kind of relationship ends. If it is true that she somehow is completely over the 6 years you guys shared and she met a new guy and wants to be with him then you should be happy. Eventually. You are allowed to be angry for a little bit.

My guess is that instead of dealing with her own emotions and possible feelings of rejection (you broke up with her right?), she latched on to some other guy. Its almost a guarantee that her emotions are going to cause issues in her current relationship. She will be forced to deal with her own emotions eventually.

Right now though, you need to forget about her and focus on yourself. Focus on school and learn how to be single for a while. You went from 9th grade to almost the end of college without ever being single. You might learn to enjoy it.

tl;dr - You aren't an *******. These feelings are normal after a breakup.

*hugs aufox*

ouch that must have been hard man I'm sorry, but kamya's right no more drinking and you're not an ass hole, it'll take some time, but if you truely were unhappy with your relationship then this was theright thing to do for both of you

it's ok to go through a mourning process, when i was sad i donno why I would watch will and grace the best episode for this is the bed bath and beyond episoe in the fourth season, after grace get's dumped by ryan and it's just the perfect mourning episode, you'll laugh and cry i guarntee it,
but man take a good cry, embrace the gloom, and get it out of your system that's how should deal with your pain, not escaping it with alcohal

so take some time and then maybe devote your time to a hobby or something fun to take your mind of thigns

good luck

You are kind of a giant ******* in my opinion for using people (women) sexually (picking them up). People shouldn't be used IMO, they should be respected.

Sorry about your jaw. You shouldn't drink for emotional reasons, it might lead to alcoholism.

I know it hurts, but you did the right thing by breaking up with her if it didn't feel right.

My only advice to you is to give up the booze.
I did back in december, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Good luck to you

Definitely not an *******. I've been in a very similar situation - broke up with a very early and long-term sig other, drank a lot, devastated when he started seeing someone else. It's this whole thing.

So you're not doing anything abnormal, but you are being unhealthy. Whether or not your mom was right to tell you about your ex dating, you were probably going to hear about it eventually, so there's nothing to be done but deal with it.

Giving up drinking - or at least drastically reducing it - might be a good thing to think about. Think about it in baby steps - no drinking tonight, or no drinking for a week, or none for a month, whatever. Give yourself credit whenever you can make yourself avoid it.

as for what to do about moving on yourself...well, i'm not sure. Haven't figured that out myself, either, so let me know if you think of something. I just take it a day at a time, I have work, friends and such...it's definitely not easy and I'm no expert at it, but I get by. PM me anytime if you wanna talk about it.

Sophster . Casual sex between consenting adults... there's nothing wrong with that.

AuFox... sounds like tough stuff. Sometimes you don't realize how attached you are to some one until you sever the connection.

Time heals wounds... Good luck mate.

If you want to find someone new and better, you must stop drinking to avoid your pain or this will become a serious long term problem for you. Alcoholism can/has destroy/ed lives. It can destroy your life.

Writing daily journals is a great idea. Also, it is normal to cycle through grief. You may feel sad or angry and then accept what you feel and accept the loss, only to be sad and angry again and again.

You're not an ******* for wanting her to be sad too. This is normal. I agree with a previous poster in that she has probably latched on to this new person. I think she is rebounding and instead of drinking she is avoiding the pain in another way. If you're not used to being alone then it is hard to be alone at first.

Stop drinking so much and stop drinking to avoid pain. I'm sure you will find someone new and better. Accept this loss. Start increasing your self esteem.

TropicalStarfish said:

Sophster . Casual sex between consenting adults... there's nothing wrong with that.

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Sort of. I wouldn't say it's "wrong" but I can see where Soph is coming from.

I can see why people would have casual sex, but at the same time it sort of cheapens the whole act. Plus using physical pleasure as a way of "fixing" emotional pain is a dangerous and unsavoury route to go down.

Hope the OP gets over his feelings, definitely understandable to still have them.

SophiaGrace said:

You are kind of a giant ******* in my opinion for using people (women) sexually (picking them up). People shouldn't be used IMO, they should be respected.

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Hey Soph I think some people don't mind being "picked up." I think most people realize being picked up is temporary meeting. It takes two to tango....lol

Maybe she felt that it wasn't going to work out as well as yourself and perhaps it made it easier for her to move on. That is just my guess and I'd like to ask if maybe you thought you made a mistake but I don't know, what do you think? Take the reasons why you feel she wasn't right and just focus on those. After being with someone for that long, no matter what, there's definately going to be some withdrawl effect even if it was only a friend. That person was in your life for awhile so it's natural to miss them/feel hurt.

I don't have alot to say, but I will say.

Don't assume to have any idea what anyone else feels or why. On top of that don't assume that you know why people make the choices they do when you don't even know how they feel. You simply do not know. The only way you can know is to ask. The fact that you believe you know, makes you a fool.