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Ayudame

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Mar 25, 2011
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Hi everyone,

I've been struggling with loneliness and self-worth issues for a while, but only recently came across this site. I'm glad that this kind of space exists on the internet - I'm sure there must be a lot of us in need of somewhere to talk about these things.

My story is basically that I grew up in a village in the middle of nowhere in the UK, heavily religious church family (of the bad variety. I can only speak for my own experience of course, but mine was not positive) which decisively shaped my already angst and withdrawing nature. I still find it difficult to identify with people in general because of the cut-off nature of my personality and interests.

I have traditionally been cripplingly shy, and not very good socially at all. In recent times though, I'm pleased to say that this has changed in many positive ways.

But, whilst I am coming to accept the idea that there is hope, this development is hampered by a few persistent things. For many years now, I have had breathing problems (which were only partially cured by surgery), constant jaw/sinus pain discomfort and constant acid reflux (and the attendent pain). As for the last ailment, no medication has worked. All of these things make me feel really not great at all, and constantly aware of my own mortality. I'm getting to the point where I'm convinced my body is a ticking time-bomb and I'll eventually be killed off by something brewing now. Feeling constantly in pain and discomfort, as if your body has given up on life even before your soul totally has, really affects me emotionally and psychologically. It makes me unwilling to associate with people - both because I don't feel physically good enough to mentally bother, but also because I'm aware of my resulting bad mood and defective existence and don't feel that I can associate properly.

I really want to be positive and move out of my long period of unhappiness and isolation. But feeling as if your body is slowly falling apart, and having these constantly felt pains is cutting me off from breaking out. I have never been in a relationship, and the feeling that no-one ultimately really cares either way whether I'm around or not can make me feel more resigned to the latter. This is not to say I'm at at all suicidal - more a sense of resignation to the eventual end, and not having the willpower or belief to live *as if* I have a worthwhile future.

Hopefully you can help me out - and I hope that I may be able to offer my own kind of encouragement to others who need it too.



I should probably also say that I'm 21 years of age, male, and in my last year of university.
 
I'm sorry. I know that this site has helped me. I've met some really nice people. I wish you luck. Welcome to the forums. :)
 
Ayudame said:
But, whilst I am coming to accept the idea that there is hope, this development is hampered by a few persistent things. For many years now, I have had breathing problems (which were only partially cured by surgery), constant jaw/sinus pain discomfort and constant acid reflux (and the attendent pain). As for the last ailment, no medication has worked. All of these things make me feel really not great at all, and constantly aware of my own mortality. I'm getting to the point where I'm convinced my body is a ticking time-bomb and I'll eventually be killed off by something brewing now. Feeling constantly in pain and discomfort, as if your body has given up on life even before your soul totally has, really affects me emotionally and psychologically. It makes me unwilling to associate with people - both because I don't feel physically good enough to mentally bother, but also because I'm aware of my resulting bad mood and defective existence and don't feel that I can associate properly.

To me it sounds as though if you can get your medical problems more under control, especially the constant pain, you'll have a better chance at a happier life (or at least not feeling quite so bad). Can I ask what treatment you've been given for these various things (and even what the underlying condition(s) is/are? Have you asked your doctor for more help with them?

I'm sorry if these are deeply personal questions. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to discuss this publically or just tell me to mind my own business. I will understand.

Good luck and I hope that something gets done about the physical pain, even if not the emotional, that you're suffering.

 

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