For nearly 10 years now, I have been profoundly lonely, scared and upset. My problems really started when I moved to London from my birth-place Saudi Arabia. I found it quite hard to settle in and didn't make many friends. I have never had a best friend or someone to talk to or go out with. For long time now, I have been feeling a sharp sense of dread and loneliness looming over me. In the past few months, things have happened that have caused these feelings to escalate. It's particularly bad at night; my hands shake with fear and I can't stop them, I hug my pillow as if it were another person and during most nights there is a painful stabbing sensation beneath my chest. There are times where I cannot sleep and I lie on my bed crying and hugging my pillow. I have little to no self-confidence and recent events have caused what little self-esteem I had to disappear.
Constantly, I have felt alienated from my peers at university who all seem to coast through. It's not only academically that I feel out of place but socially, everyone seems to mesh and gel together in their little cliques and friendships. I feel so isolated and alone most of the time that don't even see the point of getting out of bed, let alone studying.
I haven't been able to fall sleep. There are times where I stay awake on the computer (just like now) - sometimes I don't even know why. Usually I watch tv shows and movies on my own. Sometimes I watch the occasional anime but my family especially my brother make fun out of me for doing so. Even though watching movies at night makes me feel incredibly lonely, I still do it. I don't sleep at night, so I sleep during the day. There are times where I don't want to wake up. What's the point? I would much rather lay in my bed during the day than to interact with my family and other people.
My sadness has been been on and off during the years but recently it's gotten a lot worse, I have been shaking nearly every night for the past couple of months. I don't know why. I am pathetic. I am lonely. I am easy to step on and take advantage of. I have a family that ridicules me at every turn and my little brother's social success does not help my loneliness. I'm an inadequate and useless coward. I'm sorry that I'm so scared and utterly pathetic. I'm jealous of other people; be it people in relationships or people who find university education so easy. I hate myself but I love life. I need help. I’m scared. I’m stupid. I'm lazy. I’m lonely. I’m ugly. I don't know what to do anymore.
I am someone who is good at absolutely nothing. I bring shame to my species. Academically, my skills are abysmal and socially it's even worse. My organisational and time management skills are horrendous and I find myself getting lost and sidetracked far too often. No...it's far worse than that. I am failure at life itself.
I used to have a deep seated love for literature. Narrative sense, literary styles, symbolism and motifs all intrigued me when I used read novel after novel. Of course comparatively, I hardly read nowadays not because I don't have time but because I simply lost interest. It's weird...I've had a profound loss of interest in most of my hobbies from dancing to even playing video games. I simply don't see the point anymore.
I want to interact with people who won't hate me. I want to interact with people who won't spit on me. I want to interact with people who won't despise my very existence. Who won't abuse me! Who won't hurl racially derogatory terms at me! Who won't beat me! Who won't trample on me! I just want to interact to people who won't use and manipulate me, then throw me to the wolves, just like trash!
I don't have a single real friend at university. I just want somebody to talk to. Somebody who'll listen and not make fun of me. I'm so scared. I'm always scared. Perpetually scared. Scared. Scared. Scared. Everybody in the whole world including my loving family hates me and I don't blame them. They all have reason to detest me. I am a horrible, horrible, evil person.
I have been talking to myself quite a lot and I used to create fantasy personalities or imaginary friends (I know this sounds pathetic…I'm really sorry). I'm a useless ugly, stupid prick. I hate myself.
My family is the last group of people I would tell. I haven't told any of my friends, I don't want to be a burden. They deserve to be happy while I do not. I am horrible person and I causes problems for other people. Why am I alive? I feel so boxed in and isolated. I am depressed most of the time and what I've described is just a fraction of why. I don't consider myself suicidal but I do feel as though no-one would care if I died. I don't have any close friends and most of the time I feel as though my family don't love me; nobody loves me. I am incredibly scared.
Constantly, I have felt alienated from my peers at university who all seem to coast through. It's not only academically that I feel out of place but socially, everyone seems to mesh and gel together in their little cliques and friendships. I feel so isolated and alone most of the time that don't even see the point of getting out of bed, let alone studying.
I haven't been able to fall sleep. There are times where I stay awake on the computer (just like now) - sometimes I don't even know why. Usually I watch tv shows and movies on my own. Sometimes I watch the occasional anime but my family especially my brother make fun out of me for doing so. Even though watching movies at night makes me feel incredibly lonely, I still do it. I don't sleep at night, so I sleep during the day. There are times where I don't want to wake up. What's the point? I would much rather lay in my bed during the day than to interact with my family and other people.
My sadness has been been on and off during the years but recently it's gotten a lot worse, I have been shaking nearly every night for the past couple of months. I don't know why. I am pathetic. I am lonely. I am easy to step on and take advantage of. I have a family that ridicules me at every turn and my little brother's social success does not help my loneliness. I'm an inadequate and useless coward. I'm sorry that I'm so scared and utterly pathetic. I'm jealous of other people; be it people in relationships or people who find university education so easy. I hate myself but I love life. I need help. I’m scared. I’m stupid. I'm lazy. I’m lonely. I’m ugly. I don't know what to do anymore.
I am someone who is good at absolutely nothing. I bring shame to my species. Academically, my skills are abysmal and socially it's even worse. My organisational and time management skills are horrendous and I find myself getting lost and sidetracked far too often. No...it's far worse than that. I am failure at life itself.
I used to have a deep seated love for literature. Narrative sense, literary styles, symbolism and motifs all intrigued me when I used read novel after novel. Of course comparatively, I hardly read nowadays not because I don't have time but because I simply lost interest. It's weird...I've had a profound loss of interest in most of my hobbies from dancing to even playing video games. I simply don't see the point anymore.
I want to interact with people who won't hate me. I want to interact with people who won't spit on me. I want to interact with people who won't despise my very existence. Who won't abuse me! Who won't hurl racially derogatory terms at me! Who won't beat me! Who won't trample on me! I just want to interact to people who won't use and manipulate me, then throw me to the wolves, just like trash!
I don't have a single real friend at university. I just want somebody to talk to. Somebody who'll listen and not make fun of me. I'm so scared. I'm always scared. Perpetually scared. Scared. Scared. Scared. Everybody in the whole world including my loving family hates me and I don't blame them. They all have reason to detest me. I am a horrible, horrible, evil person.
I have been talking to myself quite a lot and I used to create fantasy personalities or imaginary friends (I know this sounds pathetic…I'm really sorry). I'm a useless ugly, stupid prick. I hate myself.
My family is the last group of people I would tell. I haven't told any of my friends, I don't want to be a burden. They deserve to be happy while I do not. I am horrible person and I causes problems for other people. Why am I alive? I feel so boxed in and isolated. I am depressed most of the time and what I've described is just a fraction of why. I don't consider myself suicidal but I do feel as though no-one would care if I died. I don't have any close friends and most of the time I feel as though my family don't love me; nobody loves me. I am incredibly scared.
