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Futureless

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Tired of the bullshit, and the sheer impossibility of it all for me. I'm a hardcore incel. I'm 23 and see a vast, wasteland of a future for me, hence the name. And my heart's so tired of it all. I can't change myself. I'm not good for this world, and it's not good for me. It's been too long since I've been happy, and too long since I felt like I belonged on planet earth.

So many people won't let up with the bullshit. "Change yourself." "You have to love yourself first." "There's someone for everyone." And the bullshit never ends. They say things that I know in my heart and by experience are not true. I've never had a girlfriend before. No sex, no love from a girl. I'm ugly, hideous. And lack of affection has turned my wretchedness inwards as well. I can never be good enough, and for being physically unattractive, I have no hope for a romantic life. I am a misanthrope now. I wish humankind to be destroyed, and wish that I could be the one to do it.

I think of how a complete ******* failure I am. I will never have a girlfriend, a wife, a family, stability, hope, a life worth living. I think maybe the only way I could go on living and make some use of life is if I could merely accept it. But I can't stop thinking about what I lack. It's torturous to think of what can never be. But I also lack the courage to just pull the trigger thus far, although maybe that can change eventually. It's like being stuck in limbo or something. So I'm here at a place like this. Maybe some place to vent, or communicate, or whatever.

I'm no one going no where and becoming nothing.
 
Uhm, there are about 6.8 billion people in the world. (Ah, that was just a rough estimate that I googled.) Just because Christina or Jackie thought you looked like Clark Kent (That's a shame, Clark's pretty hot.) doesn't mean that you are ugly. See, I'm sure you know that it's all about an individual's perspective or perception on beauty. You're probably just sick and tired of the lack of receptiveness and rejection from the girls you've met in your life thus far. That's no reason to think you are a failure.

"I will never have a girlfriend, a wife, a family, stability, hope, a life worth living. I think maybe the only way I could go on living and make some use of life is if I could merely accept it." That's exactly it. Childhood traumas, dysfunctional families, teen angst and whatnot are things of the past. What matters now, is the here and now and your future. You are 23 years old. Everytime I think about how much of a complete failure I am, I remind mysel that "it could be worse". So after beating myself up or 2 days, I remember my purpose.

"But I can't stop thinking about what I lack. It's torturous to think of what can never be." I think a lot, for a girl. That's what a lot of guys have told me. Whether they see it as a good thing or a bad thing doesn't matter as much as what I think of it. What I think of such a personality trait of mine and I see it as a good thing, matters the most to me. I know that I can never be what most people around me, want me to be. I can never be the bubbly cheerful cheerleader, the submissive yes-sir girlfriend or the party animal sex-crazed queen bee. Do those thoughts torture me? Yes, sometimes they do. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't who I was, If my personality was totally different, would I have been happier? Will I be able to get along better with other girls? Maybe. Maybe not. But I think, rather than focussing on what I think "should be", I should embrace "what is". Of course, I'm not saying I'll settle with being snarky little ***** who will never have any sort of healthy relationship. Rather, It's what I'm going to work towards. Everything that I don't like about myself? I'll work towards becoming the best person I can be, mentally, emotionally and physically. How am I going to do that? I tend to get stuck in my head alot, just think and think. How many times did overthinking on matters got me out of happiness? How many times has it gotten me happy? So I tell myself I should just shut up and just do what I had in mind of getting done.

"I'm no one going no where and becoming nothing."
That's what I find myself thinking about too, on really really bad days. I'm no one. But, I am someone. I have a name, a face and the perhaps, the capability to get what I want if I just worked more on my confidence. "Becoming", I think many people get caught up in this state of "becoming" what they want to be, sometimes we just forget that we can just "be".
Why do I matter? Significance.... I read this in a book once, the little boy, Oskar asked his father a question regarding significance. Why does he matter? Why do we exist?

It's a pretty long quote and I am aware that this has been a pretty long post. Anyhow, here we go :
“When Dad was tucking me in that night and we were talking about the book, I asked if he could think of a solution to that problem. “Which problem?” “The problem of how relatively insignificant we are.” He said, “Well, what would happen if a plane dropped you in the middle of the Sahara Desert and you picked up a single grain of sand with tweezers and moved it one millimeter?” I said, “I’d probable die of dehydration.” He said, “I just mean right then, when you moved that single grain of sand. What would that mean?” I said, “I dunno, what?” He said, “think about it.” I thought about it. “I guess I would have moved a grain of sand.” “Which would mean?” “Which would mean I moved a grain of sand?” “Which would mean you changed the Sahara.” “So?” “So? So the Sahara is a vast desert. And it has existed for million of years. And you changed it!” “That’s true!” I said, sitting up. “I changed the Sahara!” “Which means?” he said. “What? Tell me.” “Well, I’m not talking about moving that one grain of sand one millimeter.” “Yeah?” “If you hadn’t done it, human history would have been one way…” “Uh-huh?” “but you did do it, so…?” I stood on the bed, pointed my fingers at the fake stars, and screamed: “I changed the course of human history!” “That’s right.” “I changed the universe!” “You did.” “I’m God!’ “You’re an atheist.” “I don’t exist!” I fell back onto the bed, into his arms, and we cracked up together.


Mm.. I've rambled on enough, that's just my two cents.
 
Why exactly do you have to "change yourself"? Be who you are. But you really do have to accept yourself to get any fulfillment out of life.
Welcome :)
 
futureless,
your introduction is really strong.. and i dont have any advice that fits ...

but when i read through i got this feeling. you can perform well as an army guy.. or perhaps someone working in law enforcement.. because you got lot of internal force that has to be put to work somewhere.. somewhere highly demanding..

dont worry about future.. there is no point.. i live each day thinking "the day i am living in is my last"... it helps me in ignoring the fact that people ignore me..

and about relationships.. ugly or beauty.. every relation is based on a selfish interest- attachments of heart always "ALWAYS" has "sad endings".

and about pleasures.. if you get rich.. you can have them.. (no conditions applied ;) )

So, drop all fears.. we have nothing to lose.. nothing to fear... you have the right to hate society.. that has been mean to you.. but hurting it will change nothing. it will only give you more pain.
 

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