hiya =)

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suna

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hey all... lol

well i got to know this forum from a friend, well, an ex-friend. o.o
but yea he kind of posted a pretty depressing thread in here and he wanted me to read it, that was ... a month ago i think...
i dont know why i am back here again. i just want to know what other people are thinking, about the ways one should face the world, adversities and so on.

i love my mom and dad, i thought i was the happiest kid on earth back then, and later i knew that the naive thinking was only because of my ignorance. they left each other for stupid reasons, and remarried for an even more stupid reasons. during the whole time i tried to be silent, pretended i didnt care, and i worked hard trying to prove that i am worthy, trying to tell them be mature and stop all these. couldnt we stay nicely together as a family?
maybe because of my friend left, maybe because i wanted to escape i left my own country at age of 15 and i ve been studying on scholarship for all these years. everyone says i am simple and happy, and i have a 'life'. i dont deny it, i dont deny the fact that i ve tried hard all these years and maybe obtained something others may not have. but yea the year before last year parents divorced again. kind of funny isnt it. now i feel they are better off separated.
and again i could do nothing about it.

in fact i may be able to do a lot of things, but just cannot do the things i want to do. i stretch out my own hands and stare at them, knowing i am as powerless as the 12 year old me and for 8 years i ve done nothing.

i used to love drawing, i used to love writing stories, but now i m here, outside, and i have no home to return to. mom doesn't really care as long as she can happily play her cyber games, dad s remarried and happy now too. and yea suna, << this isnt my name is this my best friend's name but she disappeared too, like i cant contact her through her phone or anything anymore. slowly i lost my interests in everything, like the world cannot be trusted, and everything is just fading away. but still i have to do my job, study and work, and be functional no matter what...

the person that showed me this forum thinks i am cold blooded, thinks that i dont know that people want to be taken care of... is that so, or is it that i am just too **** weak to feel anything anymore?

yea i have friends, i am still in school, but whoever i am with, i know i am alone, they are all happy people with real 'lives' because i am always in top schools. i happened to know this guy from a cyber game i played, well he likes to ignore me but ... i dont know maybe i thought he might be someone that can understand all these crap... and again i feel if i can do something to make a difference in his life... cut this cut this... dont feel like saying all these just...

i know whatever i ve been through, is really really REALLY NOTHING. and i know why dad laughs at me saying i am pathetically weak it's just the beginning.
i am just quite sick of wandering around like this everyday, staring at the sky till the morning, it's my own fault that i dont trust anything, it's my own fault that i push people away using my politeness. and i ve determined to end everything when my parents pass away. i just fear that before that, i still cannot do anything...

bunch of more dumb things happened during the 8 years since i opened my eyes too, just dont feel like mentioning them...

i dont think i have a dream or something. i can only sit on the floor and cry over the fact that i want a family, and still being cold to people around me. maybe i am really coldblooded, why cant i smile for real when you say i am cute? lol...

phew... sometimes i feel i should find something to 'risk my life for' like die protecting someone... so i can really end this.

=)
just some little complains.
 
Hello Suna, that's an interesting name.. Where abouts do you come from?

So you travelled to another country to study? That's pretty brave! I've been thinking about going to another city to study and even that seems like a bit much for me.

It's not up to you to take care of your parents... not yet anyway! =P They're adults and can make their own decisions. My parents recently split up and I consider it a good thing because they can't make excuses for being unhappy with their situation anymore... now they're actually trying to do something about it.

It's hard to find the motivation to draw, write or be artistic otherwise if you don't feel inspired, and that's what it sounds like... as though you're lacking in passion at the moment.

Your job and your study are both important parts of your life, but don't starve yourself of fun in their name! That's the mistake I have made more than once with my life. I didn't allow myself time to do things for myself or to see friends and family and in the end I was left feeling miserable.

If you're out on your own then the routine you've got yourself into is just part of you trying to survive. That's something to be proud of in itself you know... not everyone could move to a new location and make it on their own. That takes guts and determination.

You know what... sometimes being "polite" is easier than letting people know how you really feel. It's a scary thing opening up to someone.... Sometimes it's easier just to smile and nod and pretend everything's okay... that's nothing to be ashamed of... because not everyone is going to be the type of person you want to open up to.

Does that make sense?
 
i m in singapore currently and ... suna isn't my name it's my best friend's well... borrowed it xD
mhmm that's why i m doing it, be polite, and exactly why i m not close to anyone o.o...
and yea i let no one knows what's on my mind normally... i mean like... what s the point nobody cares anyway...
*bows*
 
suna said:
i m in singapore currently and ... suna isn't my name it's my best friend's well... borrowed it xD

Hmm, your signature makes sense now :)

suna said:
phew... sometimes i feel i should find something to 'risk my life for' like die protecting someone... so i can really end this.

I have done some very dangerous jobs for this reason... and done some very stupid things for this same reason... I have no fear of death, because I have a much greater fear of going through life and growing old alone.
 
Lost in the Oilfield said:
suna said:
i m in singapore currently and ... suna isn't my name it's my best friend's well... borrowed it xD

Hmm, your signature makes sense now :)

suna said:
phew... sometimes i feel i should find something to 'risk my life for' like die protecting someone... so i can really end this.

I have done some very dangerous jobs for this reason... and done some very stupid things for this same reason... I have no fear of death, because I have a much greater fear of going through life and growing old alone.

YESH! I FINALLY MAKE SENSE
... o_O... dangerous jobs... good idea... ...
 
Hehe, well if you do go for the dangerous jobs, make sure you are getting paid exceptionally well for the risk! That's a large part of the reason I have continued with more threatening lines of work... the pay is exponentially better... the greater the risk = the greater the pay... or at least that is the way it should be... if I have to live lonely and do dangerous work, I want to have lots of money saved away should the day ever arrive where I am lonely no longer, and want to get a more "normal" (but poorer paying) job :)
 
Lost in the Oilfield said:
I want to have lots of money saved away should the day ever arrive where I am lonely no longer, and want to get a more "normal" (but poorer paying) job :)

good idea
o.o
 

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