I'M TRAPPED In a never-ending cycle of loneliness

Ok, a brief history is required:

In school I was bullied, taunted and ridiculed to the point of having to leave because I couldn't cope with it anymore - I did not go to another school for fear that the same thing would happen there - I had no real friends in school anyway and did not go out and socialize simply because I did not fit in and was seen as an outcast, pretty much

Straight after school leaving age I did not go on to Uni, College or work because of severe anxiety and remained unemployed for years, relying on family (and friends of family members) for socializing. I did not have any friends of my own. My parents did not support me much during these years, they knew that I had problems in school but did very little about it. Consequently, years of unemployment and lack of education has left me with nothing - no money, no assets, no friends or social life, no relationships (other than family), etc.

I have tried many things since then to try to improve the situation: I've tried adult college, Uni (as a mature student), various workplaces, meetings, groups - all sorts of things, but I CANNOT make friends. And none of these things has actually led to any long term employment, either. There are many beliefs that are stopping me from making friends/forming relationships and/or becoming successful in some way, such as:

1) God/A higher power is stopping me from having friends as a punishment, or because I have been 'chosen' to leave society behind and pursue a life outside of society

2) I will never have friends because I don't have any friends to begin with, so people are always going to reject me because sooner or later they will realize that I am a loner - and to most people in society - being with a loner is never preferable or desireable

3) Nothing will ever work for me because nothing has worked for the last 20 years - so why is it likely to suddenly change now?

No matter what I do to try and think differently and change these beliefs, they always return. Very strongly. I am starting to suspect that I may have some kind of personality disorder - Avoidant or Schizotypal.

I have received some help from professionals - such as counsellors, psychiatrists etc, but their help is limited and none of them have diagnosed me with anything other than anxiety/depression, and - as always happens - things improve for a while, then just come crashing down again and I ALWAYS end up in the SAME situation.

I have been having suicidal thoughts lately, because my life really is pure torture at times. I cannot see a way out - I wake up and realize every morning that I am in the same nightmare. That it isn't a dream or a joke.

honeysuckle man, sorry to hear how honeysuckle school was for you. I also had a shitty time at school, but not quite that bad. It really does sound like you just had terrible luck with the classes you got put in and stuff, because you seem completely legit, no idea why someone would pick on you.

I get the same feelings as you of seeing no way out of my life. I'm not really suicidal by nature, but day after day of waking up in the same shitty life can have that effect on you.

Anyway seeing as my situation is pretty hopeless, I don't really have any advice for you. What I will say is though, that none of the 3 reasons you listed seem plausible to me. You sound like someone who has had genuine honeysuckle luck throughout life, and I don't know enough about your situation to judge, but it doesn't seem hopeless to me. You're obviously quite a smart guy too. I don't really get why some of us end up in this situations. I think a lot of the time it really is just consistent bad luck. If you look at all of the millions of people in the world, there has to be some of us who's situations are pretty much just shitty for reasons that are entirely out of our hands/random. The one good thing about that thought is that it means at any point your luck could change. I don't know I'm really just rambling here, this probably won't even slightly help. But if you're having suicidal thoughts and you wanna talk to someone or some honeysuckle then feel free to drop me a message

*hugs*

You realise that you've come onto a site of lonely people, right? I don't think the friendless/semi-friendless people on here will blame you or not want to be friends with you just because you don't have any friends.

Can I ask, and I hope I'm not being too personal here, but why do you think god/a higher power would want to punish you?

-and *hugs for holstein1 too*

Thanks Holsten
ANY kind of considerate reply helps

The reason why I feel that God/A higher power would want to punish me is to force me away from society - the more I try to succeed in society, the more difficult it will become until I give up societal pursuits altogether. I do not want to feel/think/believe this at all, but I do.

Yes but WHY would god/a higher power want to do that to you? Do you feel that you deserve to be punished? Is it that you're not MEANT to be part of society? In which case, why not?

Sorry. I'm just trying to understand. I don't mean to pry/be rude or anything.

It's difficult for me to know exactly why God/A higher power would want to do this to me, but my guess is that it would be to live a life outside of society that most people are unaware of or do not understand. Something that would bring me closer to a higher spiritual experience? More in line with our true nature? I do not know for definite the exact reasons why, but like I said, this isn't something that I have chosen - I would rather not feel/think this way because it would be way easier

travis said:

It's difficult for me to know exactly why God/A higher power would want to do this to me, but my guess is that it would be to live a life outside of society that most people are unaware of or do not understand. Something that would bring me closer to a higher spiritual experience? More in line with our true nature? I do not know for definite the exact reasons why, but like I said, this isn't something that I have chosen - I would rather not feel/think this way because it would be way easier

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Man you should avoid thinking like this. Sometimes it's hard to believe how shitty life can be and it can make you start overthinking honeysuckle. I've had all sorts of ridiculous delusions about my life and why it is the way it is, and then I just think actually people are just quite shitty a lot of the time, and I've had really honeysuckle luck.

I can assure you your loneliness is nothing to do with a higher power or anything, like I said before, it's most probably just consistent bad luck.

travis said:

It's difficult for me to know exactly why God/A higher power would want to do this to me, but my guess is that it would be to live a life outside of society that most people are unaware of or do not understand. Something that would bring me closer to a higher spiritual experience? More in line with our true nature? I do not know for definite the exact reasons why, but like I said, this isn't something that I have chosen - I would rather not feel/think this way because it would be way easier

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So basically god/a higher power has chosen you, of all the peoples of the earth, to live this horrible existence for the sole purpose of making you a better person? Your suffering will make you great, kind of thing?

Travis
Were you brought up in a highly religous family?

A new life,
I was involved in a cult for many years. After breaking away, I got into yoga and meditation and learned about various religions and philosophies, so I think that this period of my life was highly influential in regards to my current way of thinking.

See, I think that's the main problem, thinking like that. The world does not revolve around individuals, that way of thinking is dangerous and self destructive, nothing comes on a silver platter and everything involves hard work and determination. Life in it's very nature is cyclical, from birth to death we know it's going to happen and it's unavoidable. Happiness, depression, rage, lust, it's a never ending cycle and when you can grasp that concept it makes dealing with reality a lot easier knowing no matter what, it will come full circle once again, always again.

Stop putting yourself in front of other people and you'll see that it'll be easier to make friends, remember you're not the only person in the world that feels that way.


Why would a higher being be interested in a single person?

i would think that a "god" or anything you shoose to believe in has more to worry about than making you feel miserable.

seems to me thinking like that makes you feel more important maybe even better about yourself making it easyer to go through it all.
"god" thinks im important enough to interfere with my life.
maybe your right, but i doubt it verry much.

people do bad things to other people, there are a lot of nasty unfriendly or just ignorant people out there.
most of em are just trying to be happy, some not knowing they hurt others along the way.

thinking a higher power is giving you your life and you diserve what you are getting is an "easy" way to give up trying.
or not take responsibility.

get to know yourself, find out what you can do find out what your good at, what you like.
know what you cant do and find out why, work on getting better at it if you want to or accept that your bad at it.

i know its not easy and im verry verry sorry you or anyone for that mather has to feel like you do now.
i have, and im still not where i wanne be.
but its up to me to keep fighting, working on making things better.
finding out why i am who i am and what that is exactly.
make better what i can, deal with what i cant.

just dont give up, not seeing a way out doesnt meen there isnt one.
you just cant see it.

1) God/A higher power is stopping me from having friends as a punishment, or because I have been 'chosen' to leave society behind and pursue a life outside of society

2) I will never have friends because I don't have any friends to begin with, so people are always going to reject me because sooner or later they will realize that I am a loner - and to most people in society - being with a loner is never preferable or desireable

3) Nothing will ever work for me because nothing has worked for the last 20 years - so why is it likely to suddenly change now?

forget nr1.
believe in god if you want to but god isnt here to punish anyone.

forget nr2
if you think like that your probebly gonne be right.
most people isnt ALL people and theres a lot of em out there.


for nr3
it will change if you change it,
if it aint working for 20 years its prob not gonne work, ever.

how or what you need to change i cant tell you, thats for you to find out.
its gonne be hard scary and difficult and it wil take time.
just geting what society thinks you should have or should be might not work for you.

just try to change the way you are thinking now.
so sad that people are made to feel this way by other people.
dont we all start out as neutral little babys happely pooping eating and crying ?

ok im gonne stop now, getting way to long again

anyway what do i know

we like you though..

I pretty much had the same thing. And it seems logical that those who struggle to socialise and interact in school will struggle for the rest of their lives as that’s where you learn your social skills. It is a circle, because from school your next point of making friends is higher education, most people will have friends left over from school and new ones they meet in collage/uni at this point. Then you go into work, some of your school and collage friends drift away and you pick up more in work. Then you might get a partner and pick up more friends through them. If you don't go though those phases then it becomes very hard to make new friends. You lose you self esteem and confidence, lose your social skills, you lose character because you have not had the social interactions to keep your character developing. You miss out on life experiences so you have nothing to talk about and/or find it hard to find common ground with people.

Your in the same place as me pretty much. And I think we have to accept that we are not going to wake up one day and find we have loads of friends, a great career and a loving partner. However that’s no reason to give up hope. There has to be hope. If there’s hope there’s a goal. If there’s a goal you have something to work towards.

Now that you have told us your issues, the best thing you can get from this form is to tell us your goal(s), what do you aspire to? Then we can suggest ways of getting there. But one step and a time, a change here, a new thing there. Over time it will build up and things will begin to change for you.

I've been so alone, still am most the time. But I never gave up hope, nor should you.

travis said:

Ok, a brief history is required:

In school I was bullied, taunted and ridiculed to the point of having to leave because I couldn't cope with it anymore - I did not go to another school for fear that the same thing would happen there - I had no real friends in school anyway and did not go out and socialize simply because I did not fit in and was seen as an outcast, pretty much

Straight after school leaving age I did not go on to Uni, College or work because of severe anxiety and remained unemployed for years, relying on family (and friends of family members) for socializing. I did not have any friends of my own. My parents did not support me much during these years, they knew that I had problems in school but did very little about it. Consequently, years of unemployment and lack of education has left me with nothing - no money, no assets, no friends or social life, no relationships (other than family), etc.

I have tried many things since then to try to improve the situation: I've tried adult college, Uni (as a mature student), various workplaces, meetings, groups - all sorts of things, but I CANNOT make friends. And none of these things has actually led to any long term employment, either. There are many beliefs that are stopping me from making friends/forming relationships and/or becoming successful in some way, such as:

1) God/A higher power is stopping me from having friends as a punishment, or because I have been 'chosen' to leave society behind and pursue a life outside of society

2) I will never have friends because I don't have any friends to begin with, so people are always going to reject me because sooner or later they will realize that I am a loner - and to most people in society - being with a loner is never preferable or desireable

3) Nothing will ever work for me because nothing has worked for the last 20 years - so why is it likely to suddenly change now?

No matter what I do to try and think differently and change these beliefs, they always return. Very strongly. I am starting to suspect that I may have some kind of personality disorder - Avoidant or Schizotypal.

I have received some help from professionals - such as counsellors, psychiatrists etc, but their help is limited and none of them have diagnosed me with anything other than anxiety/depression, and - as always happens - things improve for a while, then just come crashing down again and I ALWAYS end up in the SAME situation.

I have been having suicidal thoughts lately, because my life really is pure torture at times. I cannot see a way out - I wake up and realize every morning that I am in the same nightmare. That it isn't a dream or a joke.

Click to expand...

travis said:

1) God/A higher power is stopping me from having friends as a punishment, or because I have been 'chosen' to leave society behind and pursue a life outside of society

3) Nothing will ever work for me because nothing has worked for the last 20 years - so why is it likely to suddenly change now?

Click to expand...

My situation is less extreme but I sort of identify with this. In fact I'm fairly outgoing but I think of close socializing as having a 'copyright' on a friend or romantic partner. Do you see what I mean? You're not just hanging out with them in a big group, but they will hang out with you 1 on 1 and be your friend or romantic partner. They will stick to you. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed as you described in your idea #1 because I haven't gotten my love even though I can be very outgoing. Nothing is sticking to me.

I see it like this. It's half and half. It's half you, what you're doing, how you're approaching the world. People often do what they're used to also. Your situation isn't good and it sucks but it's what you know. Then maybe the other half really is luck or what you were born into or something like that. Your life is sort of like a computer program playing out (what you were born into, your parents, etc). You have to try to take more control of the parts you have control over and also don't stay in loneliness just because it's what you're used to. I hope more sticks to us both, I really do.

Thanks for the replies

There were many important points raised, but the question I would like to address the most is the one regarding a 'goal' in life. I have had many goals, but have pretty much failed at most attempts. I say 'most', because I have achieved certain things - I have many skills, for example - but have failed to secure any long-term employment or form any relationships/friendships. I just keep coming back to the same situation and nothing ever really happens or changes. I would understand if I hadn't actually made any effort whatsoever, but that's not the case. I have tried many things, but.....

And, if it was only a few months or even a few years living like this, then I definitely think that it could be overcome with effort. But 20 years?

I'm getting lost in the myriad of theories/views/strategies/philosophies but ultimately it comes down to one question - What am I doing wrong and how can I put it right?

You're obsessing over it, becoming desperate, it probably shows in the way you act towards people. Just stop caring so much about it and be natural. Inflated sense of self importance is a terrible way to subconciously approach others.

took me over 25 years of fighting and trying everthink i could think of to find out it just wasnt working.
i crashed pretty hard at the end, had to change my "goals".
there were some things i just couldnt do whitout nearly "killing" myself.

im not measuring my life to that of other people anymore.
i cant do what is expected of me by normal society standards.
at least not at the cost of living.

you prob had to work a lot harder at things than most people, that makes the things you did achieve all the more admirable.
focus on things like that a little more and the things that didnt work out a little less.

who cares if you dont have a long term steady job, its just work.
not everybody ends up with a job for life and a house full of kids.
just to grow old and die.
thats not what life is.
thats what most people do.
maybe thats not what you should be doing.

i dont know what or if your doing anything wrong, maybe your just trying to to things that arent right for you.
maybe you just want things you shouldnt be wanting or for the wrong reasons.
maybe some of your goals need to be changed.

alonewanderer said:

You're obsessing over it, becoming desperate, it probably shows in the way you act towards people. Just stop caring so much about it and be natural. Inflated sense of self importance is a terrible way to subconciously approach others.

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I know I'm obsessing over it. But no matter whether I'm obsessing over it or not, or addressing the problem as best I can, or 'cruising' and going with the flow, or ignoring it, it doesn't matter - the problem still remains. People say 'Be natural' but what is natural? Being relaxed? confident? normal? It's difficult to be normal when you have social anxiety - there are coping mechanisms, yes, but they only do so much and can sometimes even make things worse because you're constantly 'trying' to relax. That's why I hate it when people say 'relax', because you cannot force yourself to do so and it only makes the situation worse. There is always a reason that the anxiety exists even if the reason is itself a delusion. The delusion is a reality for many people.
But, am I deluded? The world is a cruel place and people will judge you. If you have had persistant negative experiences in social settings then you will bring this with you - you cannot just 'be natural'. You have to act natural. Sometimes I can pull it off okay, but other times I can't.

You also mention about being desperate, but I do not ever allow desperation to get in the way of my communications with others. I do not tell them about my problems or 'issues'. If people pick up on some kind of desperation, there's not a lot I can do about that. The truth is I have a need for friendship and I cannot deny that need. It is always there.

And can you have an inflated sense of self-importance and be desperate at the same time? Maybe, you can, I don't know. Humans are very complex, I know that.

Perhaps you should treat it like a phobia and desensitise yourself. Try small social events first, get used to talking to people in a more safe environment (such as here) before trying real people and so on. Have you tried that? It's hard to suggest things when you say nothing will work because nothing HAS worked. Unless you say exactly what you HAVE tried we can't suggest things that you might not have thought of. Just a thought anyway.