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PoetryFlows4rmMe

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Sorry Caps Lock was on. but please check out my work from Teen Ink I love to write and you'll love to read it, I promise :)

http://www.teenink.com/poetry/free_verse/article/183591/Ancestry/

P.S. Don't Forget To Rate Too!

okay if people are weary of links I'll post one of my poems here for your ease

Photo credit: Michael G., Glocester, RI
Author's comments about this article:
This was Inspired by Black History Month. Reflecting on the past and renovating the future.
We sailed through Middle Passage in bondage and bile
Sardined in our own can of misery

We moaned and cried trying to survive as we were sold separately
Displaced from our family
Manacled
Shackled
Beaten in contempt
No words can describe how our ancestors had lived

How they lived on the fields and worked on the fields and died by the fields
Life sour from the bitter fruit beared of their labor

Child born, a girl, whipped ‘til they could tame her
Save for name her
Momma gone; She can’t raise her
She grow up
And Massah rape her
She just a slave girl
She just a black cur
She bore his children
Now Missus hate her
Can you blame her?
No reason for the anger
Still the children face grave danger
Nothing more deadly than a woman scorned
Nothing more deadly than a woman wronged

Still she lives on and works
And works
And works
Til there’s nothing…nothing left,
Nothing left to give
Until her milk is powdered, til her breasts droop and sag
Til’ her arms and feet drag, til her back breaks, til her mouth and head begin to shake to their own involuntary song.

But there’s something in her eyes that deceives her broken body and reveals her sound mind.

Striving and thriving



Seemed as though her wisdom was locked in line


She uses it to stop the crying
She guards it and masks it in a face of iron
Never let them see you tears
Never let them know your struggle

Doing her daily toil she folds it within the plantation linen
And before she died she embedded this knowledge deep within her children

They wrap their mother’s virtue tightly round their necks
They braid it and adorn it with pride
They lift their voices and dance
Inspiration of the soul providing the emancipation
Never again becoming a slave to injustice
Her children live on within all of us.
 
Ok, in another thread you asked for me to critique your work so I will. Be aware that I know nothing of style or structure regarding poetry but I will give you my honest opinion of it (but remember it's my OPINION only and is neither important nor worth more than anyone elses - I have NO expertise or training in this).

You have the line - How they lived on the fields... - Have you considered making the second on, in? So it's 'How they lived on the fields, worked in the fields and died by the fields'.

The next line - beared should be borne.

You have 'seemed as though her wisdom was locked in line' - that makes no sense to me but it may well to others - perhaps it should be 'locked inside'?. Also you never specify WHAT the wisdom is (which would be handy but fair enough if that was intended).

The line 'Never let them see you tears - should be your but that's possibly a typo? The following line is fine with your but have you considered you there instead?

Oh and you might want to do something about the line spacing (just a slight nitpick which I wouldn't normally mention but you asked and it's slightly confusing having that gap there - at least to me anyway.)

Otherwise it's good. (Sorry, I can pretty much find something wrong in anything if I try hard enough - just tell me if you want me to shut up, I understand.)
 
I said:
Ok, in another thread you asked for me to critique your work so I will. Be aware that I know nothing of style or structure regarding poetry but I will give you my honest opinion of it (but remember it's my OPINION only and is neither important nor worth more than anyone elses - I have NO expertise or training in this).
Thanks again for your honesty and for your comments.

You have the line - How they lived on the fields... - Have you considered making the second on, in? So it's 'How they lived on the fields, worked in the fields and died by the fields'. Yes I like how that sounds

The next line - beared should be borne.

You have 'seemed as though her wisdom was locked in line' - that makes no sense to me but it may well to others - perhaps it should be 'locked inside'?. Also you never specify WHAT the wisdom is (which would be handy but fair enough if that was intended).

The line 'Never let them see you tears - should be your but that's possibly a typo? The following line is fine with your but have you considered you there instead?
The you tears is reflecting the speech of the woman. And the your is my thoughts.
Oh and you might want to do something about the line spacing (just a slight nitpick which I wouldn't normally mention but you asked and it's slightly confusing having that gap there - at least to me anyway.)
Yeah its because i just copied and pasted but didnt fix it.
Otherwise it's good. (Sorry, I can pretty much find something wrong in anything if I try hard enough - just tell me if you want me to shut up, I understand.)


 
I'm Fine did a wonderful job of critiquing your poem. One thing I would add to this is concerning your last line. I would change "Her children live on within all of us." to "Her children live on within us all." That's only personal preference. It seems to flow easier toward a close. Barring that, the only other thing I have to say is that I LOVE it. It is a very powerful piece of writing. I love the imagery and movement. It is riveting from beginning to end.
 
RavenQuill said:
I'm Fine did a wonderful job of critiquing your poem. One thing I would add to this is concerning your last line. I would change "Her children live on within all of us." to "Her children live on within us all." That's only personal preference. It seems to flow easier toward a close. Barring that, the only other thing I have to say is that I LOVE it. It is a very powerful piece of writing. I love the imagery and movement. It is riveting from beginning to end.

Thank You :)
 

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