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putter65

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So awfull at work today. Really horrible. It's hard to explain but here goes.

For the last 7 months I've been hopelessly in love with this woman I used to work with. Now it's always bad because women never like me back and it's happened to me quite a few times. Anyway this woman is very attractive and I never did think I had any chance with her. She left my work in January and since then we have sort of kept in touch. I have seen her three times. Once she came to have a cuppa with me at work and another time she came to golf with me. We had 2 hours on the golf course together, it was great. (Golf is my main hobby and it was her idea to caddy for me !)

That was two months ago and we've exchanged a few facebook messages since. I used to send her text messages but she hardly ever replies so I stopped. She's mentioned playing golf again a couple of times. So hopefully it will happen.

All this I can cope with. I know we won't ever be together. But as long as we keep in touch and I get to see occasionally. That's fine.

The trouble is all the gossip at work. Ever since she started people have been saying the married boss is screwing her. I must admit I have seen a few suspicious things but I have chosen to ignore them. The woman actually left our work because the boss's wife accussed them of having an affair. At the time the story was they were not. This woman looked me in the eye and said she would never with a married man. So I believed her. I can tell from her facebook she has male friends. There is no point in me worrying about it. There is nothing I can do. The boss however, is a old, fat, moody pig. I hate him, he has no manners whatsoever. Everybody thinks it, women included yet he has this reputation as a ladies man.

Anyway all it was today was people talking about them. Whispering and smirking and saying things. I try not to listen, I don't want to know. I would rather not know. I try and keep out the way but all I hear is comments about them. It makes me sick. It just makes me so unhappy and sad and some people were saying I was quiet. I don't care what they say when I'm not there but all this whispering does my head in.

So I don't know what to do about it. When she left I thought all the gossiping would die away but it hasn't. I was going to ask her to golf with me in a couple of weeks but I'm not sure now. She has mentioned going again three times now.

I have no friends really and I never go out. I play golf with my Dad and I see people at work. That's it ! Having friends is nice and I enjoy it.
 
She probably did do it with the boss. I would move on if I were you and not take a risk on her. You yourself stated that you did't pay attention to suspicious clues regarding the affair, this is called you're-in-denial.

I am sorry you have to deal with this.
 
Okay... why do you care if she did or didn't do something with this guy? I mean, is it because you're interested and you want her to be available for you? Is it because if she did have sex with him, you're not interested anymore?

As far as the gossip goes... It's what people do. You could come out and tell them that you don't like gossip, and that it's not exactly an honorable thing to do. I've certainly made more than a few awkward situations by doing that. It might make people uncomfortable, but they usually stop doing it.
 
SophiaGrace said:
She probably did do it with the boss. I would move on if I were you and not take a risk on her. You yourself stated that you did't pay attention to suspicious clues regarding the affair, this is called you're-in-denial.

I am sorry you have to deal with this.
Click to expand...

Thanks.

When it all happened in January, she told me about being accused she started crying and I put my arm around her. I told her 'not to cry' and then these members of staff came in the warehouse and saw us.

Her and the boss are supposed to be 'good friends' - I suppose there is nothing I can do about it.

Cutting all contact by me is simply deleting her from by facebook. But I don't see what good that will do since what bothers me most is all the gossip at work. I just hope it dies down soon.

I do prefer 'liking' someone from afar though. I have stopped sending her texts. She is on my mind alot though.


nerdygirl said:
Okay... why do you care if she did or didn't do something with this guy? I mean, is it because you're interested and you want her to be available for you? Is it because if she did have sex with him, you're not interested anymore?

As far as the gossip goes... It's what people do. You could come out and tell them that you don't like gossip, and that it's not exactly an honorable thing to do. I've certainly made more than a few awkward situations by doing that. It might make people uncomfortable, but they usually stop doing it.
Click to expand...

I've tried to be sensible about the whole thing. I know she isn't going to be a nun. She is stunning and sexy and men are always going to be interested. It was only 2 weeks ago she was back with an old flame and they were typing 'love' messages to each other on facebook. She's since deleted him from her friends list. I just hate my boss because he's such a miserable, moody bugger with no manners.

what's funny about the gossip is the same people used to make fun of me and this woman. They would say things in front of us. Direct comments about me liking her. I usually just said 'very funny' something like that. My crush never said a word. They know I like her, they must do, yet they still whisper and talk and say things about this woman and the boss. I think it's incredible insensitive.

Expanding on the golf thing. It's my main hobby and when she left work she replied to one of my texts saying she'd like to watch me play. I didn't take her serious at first but she mentioned it two more times. She then mentioned it again with more messages in March, so we ended up going. She initiated the whole thing and I was just wondering why all the time. Since she knew I liked her (I asked her to the cinema at xmas and she said 'no, couldn't go, just met somebody!) - So we went to golf and had a great time. She seemed to really enjoy herself. I texted her saying how much I had enjoyed it and she replied saying the same thing.

She then disapears for a month or so and then comes back on facebook and mentions going to golf again. Last week she mentions it again saying 'we'll play soon' - I want to see her again. I suppose who she's sleeping with as nothing to do with me.


What I feel most of all is pathetic !

I'm happy when she 'likes' on of my facebook messages. I see that as good and a success. Yet other blokes are going out with her and probably getting in her bed.

I have seen signs she genuinely cares about me. She has told me stuff. I've worked there for 14 years and people leave all the time. When she left it was so emotional between us, loads of crying and hugging. I'll never forget that. When others leave they hardly say 'bye' - she was different.
 
This woman has issues: It's quite obvious from your other thread and what you've written here. I wouldn't be surprised from everything you've said if she just keeps getting involved with the wrong guys, possibly because she just wants to be loved and ignores all their bad qualities, the fact they're married, and so on.

You sound like a nice, sensitive guy. Her desire to golf with you, since she's not a golfer, is because she likes you. When you asked her to the cinema, she said she had met someone. That doesn't mean that now she's single she will turn you down. Go for it! I bet you're exactly the kind of guy she's looking for but she's the kind of woman that isn't going to do anything unless you make a move. You lose nothing by doing it, but potentially you both gain a hell of a lot.
 
DaveIsLonely said:
This woman has issues: It's quite obvious from your other thread and what you've written here. I wouldn't be surprised from everything you've said if she just keeps getting involved with the wrong guys, possibly because she just wants to be loved and ignores all their bad qualities, the fact they're married, and so on.

You sound like a nice, sensitive guy. Her desire to golf with you, since she's not a golfer, is because she likes you. When you asked her to the cinema, she said she had met someone. That doesn't mean that now she's single she will turn you down. Go for it! I bet you're exactly the kind of guy she's looking for but she's the kind of woman that isn't going to do anything unless you make a move. You lose nothing by doing it, but potentially you both gain a hell of a lot.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I haven't slept much thinking about it. I'm undecided whether to ask her to golf again. I should really since she's mentioned it a few times. I just feel really down because of all this gossip about her and the boss.

 
putter65 said:
DaveIsLonely said:
This woman has issues: It's quite obvious from your other thread and what you've written here. I wouldn't be surprised from everything you've said if she just keeps getting involved with the wrong guys, possibly because she just wants to be loved and ignores all their bad qualities, the fact they're married, and so on.

You sound like a nice, sensitive guy. Her desire to golf with you, since she's not a golfer, is because she likes you. When you asked her to the cinema, she said she had met someone. That doesn't mean that now she's single she will turn you down. Go for it! I bet you're exactly the kind of guy she's looking for but she's the kind of woman that isn't going to do anything unless you make a move. You lose nothing by doing it, but potentially you both gain a hell of a lot.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I haven't slept much thinking about it. I'm undecided whether to ask her to golf again. I should really since she's mentioned it a few times. I just feel really down because of all this gossip about her and the boss.

It turned out to be nothing to worry about.

It was a leaving party for a manager from another shop so that's why the boss went and the woman I like. She is a deputy manager. The gossip I overheard was just the crap that gets said from time to time. I shouldn't let it bother me so much. I should be used to it by now. I did ask someone who went how my crush woman was and she said 'fine, happy'

So it's back to normal. I'm still debating about this golf thing. Whether to ask her or not.
Click to expand...

 
More gossip at work. It is so annoying because nothing direct is said. It's all innenudo. I could be reading too much into it. Maybe it's not all about her and the boss. I just overhear things, it's mostly the same woman who says it.

I am in two minds. I shouldn't involve myself with her but she has other male friends and they don't seem to mind what she gets upto.
 
You care because you like her as more than a friend and wish she was with you. I have gotten slightly jealous of guys who I had a crush on, that went on to date someone else. At imes I didn't even realize I felt posessive until they got a girlfriend. Go figure.
 
SophiaGrace said:
You care because you like her as more than a friend and wish she was with you. I have gotten slightly jealous of guys who I had a crush on, that went on to date someone else. At imes I didn't even realize I felt posessive until they got a girlfriend. Go figure.
Click to expand...

Oh I do like her very much. I'm probably in love with her. Daft thing is, I worked with her for months and although I always thought she was very attractive, I didn't really like her because she hardly spoke to me. And then slowly she opened up and I started to like her more and more. She did explain that before she came to my shop, she was working in another shop and she hated it. So when she came to my place she had lost all her confidence.

There are things I haven't mentioned. We exchanged xmas presents last year. When she told me she had got me something, I thought it was my chance to treat her. I bought her something really nice and she did say 'thanks' and say she liked it.

I never thought I would ever get close to her. I didn't think I was good enough.

In February, I was still texting her and she replied saying she was depressed, on tablets and off work. I was so concerned. I sent her a text saying if she ever wanted to have a coffee and a chat, don't hesitate to get in touch with me. A few days later she did, I was going home when the boss said he had just got a call from her telling me not to go home. She came in and we chatted for 30 minutes. She looked very upset and I listened to her. I didn't find out what was wrong though. The thing about that was she came into to see me. Not the others at work, not her girlfriends. She told ME her problems. Within two weeks she was better and a week after she came to golf with me.

I know she won't ever be my girlfriend.
I can't see it happening. I just thought 'friends' was the next best thing. I do get jealous but I never show it to her. I just come on here (and other forums) and complain about it. I just think we have gone thru too much for me to just walk away because of some daft gossip. She was facebook friends with everybody at work and a few weeks ago she deleted nearly everybody. She didn't delete me though and I think I do mean something to her. At least something however small.

 
So...what is preventing you from asking her out to coffee again?

Hell if I were you I would consider writing a love letter to her, rather than just suffer in silence with this feeling in your heart. Make it open ended though, don't demand a commitment, just tell her you love & care about her. Then ask her out for coffee at the end of the letter, but tell her you'll still care about her if she declines your offer, just that, you thought she should know how you felt. :p
 
SophiaGrace said:
So...what is preventing you from asking her out to coffee again?

So...what is preventing you from asking her out to coffee again?

Hell if I were you I would consider writing a love letter to her, rather than just suffer in silence with this feeling in your heart. Make it open ended though, don't demand a commitment, just tell her you love & care about her. Then ask her out for coffee at the end of the letter, but tell her you'll still care about her either way, just that, you thought she should know how you felt. :p

So...what is preventing you from asking her out to coffee again?

Hell if I were you I would consider writing a love letter to her, rather than just suffer in silence with this feeling in your heart. Make it open ended though, don't demand a commitment, just tell her you love & care about her. Then ask her out for coffee at the end of the letter, but tell her you'll still care about her if she declines your offer, just that, you thought she should know how you felt. :p
Click to expand...


You don't what I'm like. I was watching Tv yesterday and the following was said :

He's shy, he waits for her to do something, he feels he needs permission to do anything. (The show was Doc Martin)

That's me in a nutshell. I'm shy with women, I'm timid, I worry about doing anything. When I asked her for a coffee, I felt I was just being a friend and because she was depressed, I was allowed to do it. I had a reason. It's nuts, but it's how I feel.

Your love letter idea, I have thought about it. When she was depressed I did say I 'care for you' in my texts. But then in the next few days I'm checking to see if she's dumped off her facebook ! - It's what I'm like.

The golf game we had, she mentioned 4 times before I eventually got my act in gear and organized it. I mentioned playing again (and she did !)but I haven't asked her. That was 2 months ago. She's mentioned it in the last few weeks -'we'll play soon' etc. I just think she's just saying it to keep me happy and doesn't really mean it.

When she was leaving, on her last day I went into her office and we had this chat. Before hand I thought 'sod it, I'll tell her how I feel' - so we have this chat and she's really nice thanking me and all that. We then embrace and I say 'I think the world of you, you know don't you ?' - she replied 'yes I do know, and your a lovely, genuine guy' - Anyway I've thought about what I said and wondered if I should have said something more clear.

So I have sort of told her how I feel. She must know. I would hate to be a burden to her, a nusience so I keep my emotions in check. I just act as though I'm a friend and that's all I want. I could never be bold, like other men.

I am planning on asking to golf next week. Of course I'm worrying whether I should or not. And I'm expecting her not to answer my text.

It's just how I am.
 
Just go ahead and ask her. I know I would, even though I am timid in that situation as well.
 
someguy23475 said:
Just go ahead and ask her. I know I would, even though I am timid in that situation as well.
Click to expand...

I will ask her to golf next week. I'm sure I can do it. She has mentioned it a few times. I will send a text. I'm not sure she will answer my text though.

 
putter65 said:
someguy23475 said:
Just go ahead and ask her. I know I would, even though I am timid in that situation as well.
Click to expand...

I will ask her to golf next week. I'm sure I can do it. She has mentioned it a few times. I will send a text. I'm not sure she will answer my text though.
Click to expand...

I was on facebook awhile ago and she was online. There was no way I was going to start a chat with her so I started playing this game. She starts chatting, asks me how I am etc. Once she did that, I was fine. I chatted with her, asked her if she wanted to play golf the week after next. I wasn't nervous, didn't have any problems. She agreed by the way.

That sums me up. It's like I need permission to do anything. Once she started chatting then there was no stopping me. I didn't feel any nerves or feel like I was doing anything wrong. I just asked and she said 'yes'
Cool !

 
putter65 said:
I was on facebook awhile ago and she was online. There was no way I was going to start a chat with her so I started playing this game. She starts chatting, asks me how I am etc. Once she did that, I was fine. I chatted with her, asked her if she wanted to play golf the week after next. I wasn't nervous, didn't have any problems. She agreed by the way.

That sums me up. It's like I need permission to do anything. Once she started chatting then there was no stopping me. I didn't feel any nerves or feel like I was doing anything wrong. I just asked and she said 'yes'
Cool !
Click to expand...
Well done putter! :) I'm sure you'll have a good time with her.

You don't need permission to talk to talk to her! Just got for it. And remember, if she doesn't reply or isn't that interested in chatting then there are a million and one reasons why that could be; It's the same when she doesn't reply to texts. You need to keep doing it to get comfortable with the idea I think.

Enjoy your golf date. ;)
 
heh...you're in control, you tell her what you want her to do or give her an option, if you want her to be yours then voice it. If you want to be her male girlfriend that listens to her problems then so be it but it seems you're in control of the situation....seriously who the fresia caddies for someone in golf...that is mind boggling to me.

Tell her to join your 1 man slumber party next time she hits you up with some honeysuckle.
 
alonewanderer said:
heh...you're in control, you tell her what you want her to do or give her an option, if you want her to be yours then voice it. If you want to be her male girlfriend that listens to her problems then so be it but it seems you're in control of the situation....seriously who the fresia caddies for someone in golf...that is mind boggling to me.

Tell her to join your 1 man slumber party next time she hits you up with some honeysuckle.
Click to expand...

She's never stepped on a golf course in her life. When we worked together I talked about golf alot because it's my main hobby. When she mentioned it in one of her texts I was so surprized. I didn't take her seriously and when she mentioned it again I said 'are you serious ?'
She said she was.

A few weeks after that she mentioned it again in a little message on facebook so I sent her a text with the day and time etc. Of course I worried beforehand that she wouldn't turn up. But everything went really well, she enjoyed it, we had a good time. She mentioned playing again.

After I sent a text saying 'really enjoyed it, we must do it again etc' - she replied ' had a great time, see u soon'

Three days after that I had completely lost my nerve. She didn't reply to 2 texts or a facebook message. She went really cool on me. I was wondering what I had done wrong. A month goes by and then she starts chatting with me on facebook again and says, 'sorry for not replying to texts, we'll play golf again soon etc'

So everything is cool again. My brother who has had dozens of girlfriends was also surprized she wanted to be my golf caddy.

 
putter65 said:
alonewanderer said:
heh...you're in control, you tell her what you want her to do or give her an option, if you want her to be yours then voice it. If you want to be her male girlfriend that listens to her problems then so be it but it seems you're in control of the situation....seriously who the fresia caddies for someone in golf...that is mind boggling to me.

Tell her to join your 1 man slumber party next time she hits you up with some honeysuckle.
Click to expand...

She's never stepped on a golf course in her life. When we worked together I talked about golf alot because it's my main hobby. When she mentioned it in one of her texts I was so surprized. I didn't take her seriously and when she mentioned it again I said 'are you serious ?'
She said she was.

A few weeks after that she mentioned it again in a little message on facebook so I sent her a text with the day and time etc. Of course I worried beforehand that she wouldn't turn up. But everything went really well, she enjoyed it, we had a good time. She mentioned playing again.

After I sent a text saying 'really enjoyed it, we must do it again etc' - she replied ' had a great time, see u soon'

Three days after that I had completely lost my nerve. She didn't reply to 2 texts or a facebook message. She went really cool on me. I was wondering what I had done wrong. A month goes by and then she starts chatting with me on facebook again and says, 'sorry for not replying to texts, we'll play golf again soon etc'

So everything is cool again. My brother who has had dozens of girlfriends was also surprized she wanted to be my golf caddy.
Click to expand...

I knew I couldn't get thru a shift at work without hearing something. Two supervisors were talking and it was obvious it was about her and the boss. I didn't hear concrete things, just bits here and there. I don't get involved, I try not to listen but something seems to be going on. It's exactly what the 18 months was like when she worked in my shop. It was constant. She left because the managers wife accussed of having an affair. She looked me in the eye and said it wasn't true.

So I don't know whether to bother with this golf date. I am really undecided. I spoke to my Dad and he said if she's willing to go with you then go. It's only friends so what she gets up to with married men is her business. I suppose he's right.

 

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