UPDATED FEB 19th *hey hey all is good

hey hey guys !
well all is good still ......believe it or not! hahahhaha
lets see , im out of the hospital , feeling sooooooo much better
surgery was scarey to be sure ! but now that i am healed up
i feel great to be finally for the most part pain free!!!!
have a huge massie scar but its ok , look at the up side it will make
a good party topic " look at this massive shark bite" lol
it isnt a massive shark bite just a real odd looking scar .......
anyway ..........
i came here when i was extreamly depressed at beginning of this year ...... did what most did i suppose .......
posted ,comiserated, wondered why life is so cruel , when things would get better , and how to make it thru the nite that seemed to never end and only wanted me dead......... seriously been there , the whole slit my wrists and overdose thing.......regret it big time!
but i got family that i couldnt do that to, it was only when i realized that waiting around for something to change , allowing myself to be trapped were my biggest enemies.
so i did all i could do, joined this forum , joined some communities, joined some dateing sites , lol yea dateing sites.........
anyway i made friends , most didnt last , but i had a few convos , had a few arguments but you know what ???at least i was talking with someone other than myself for once.
slowly i got more proactive in my life, decided to return to my own country and get a job even if part time, laid down the law to my soon to be ex husband, made some choices in my life for me for once, thought them thru and backed them up with reasons why
i found a job started saving money and a place to live , even found a decent boyfriend who is kind and willing to wait and be a good man and friend while i have to finish up with my current husband and life situation . but my point is that i am finishing up stuff i should have years ago, i am makeing choices i never did before
i am loseing weight, feeling good and standing on my own
i am mostly off all meds i was on ..... and i feel fine
i havent been depressed since april, of course i have had a few days now and then when i get a anxiety attack , and my guy friend is cool , tells me to stick it out that after all its only a anxiety attack ,perfectly normal and not that the whole world is falling apart , and you know what?? thats true, the whole world is only falling apart when you allow it.
i cant change that my husband cheated on me and physically abused me for years, hell i cant even forgive him but i can let it all go, no need for revenge or court just let go and find peace and allow myself to find a happy ending in this book i call my life.
i cant change i lost one of my twin daughters but i realized how beautiful my remaining baby is and that whenever i miss the twin sister all i have to do is love her sister twice as hard because she is right there before my eyes unlike some i dont have to wonder what she would have looked like , i know and im greatful so im happy and so much time passed while i was mourning and shut down and my baby is so big already , i dont want to waste anymore days anymore time being sad i only want to be happy and teach my daughter how to smile at whatever life gives us there is still so much beauty to see , so much beauty .......
regret so many things that got me down , but in the end for the last 6 monthes i have been the happiest of the last 15 years of my life, because i am finally finding ME.....it takes courage and is scarey , and any failures are going to be mine alone so are all the things i am achieving and they far outweigh the negatives.
so to any of you out there who think will the depression ever just suddenly stop?? all i can say is sometimes it does .........sometimes when you want it hard enough it does .
keep it up , see ya all from time to time and drop me a pm anytime you like i dont check here everyday but when i read it i will answer you
all my love
notsolonely2beemeanymore

Gee you been through quite alot of hardship in your life, and it's great to see you being so postive and trying to enjoy your life now.

I'm in awe at you. I'm really glad you're so much better now. All the best to you!

well guys most of the people i knew when i 1st came here are gone
alot of new faces ,but im sure like myself some of my forum friends still drop by and just browse

well its been a year! time flies!!!!
all i have to say is never give up, things in life change ,when i 1st came here i wanted to die
had children i had to be there for so i hung on , i have now been off every kind of med i was on for quite awhile now.
and its really great, or once in my life i feel awake !!!!if u think you need antidepressants to get out of that hole you are in ,then by all means do what it takes but dont forget to eventually come up for fresh air again and clear your head.
sometimes we need a lil help whether emotionally or medicinally but needing a lil help and expecting someone or something else to take care of it all in the end cripples you.

well one year ago i decided to get my life back, i can say now tat after 18 years of a bad marriage ,last 5 of which were spent seperated i finally met a really nice man ,8 years my senior who adores me and is very kind,we work together, my kids adore him ,i adore him,he accepts me completely for who i am and the obstacles i have been through.
i found that there is alot of healing in just feeling accepted for who you are faults and all.
its been really good ,in the middle of talking today we were laughing at some job related stuff and he just said
"lets get married" it was very sweet and sudden. then he said "omg that was a freudian slip, i promise i have something special planned when i propose,but.... i do mean it " hahahah i blushed all day funny im 36 and blushing like a teenager , he is 43 never been married and acting like a school boy . it made me think gosh look how much has changed in 1 year,1 years ago i thought the pain would never stop,now i am at the happiest place that i have been in my life in a very long time.
i dont think you can ever be totally healed or freed of chronic depression but you can make it bearable by not allowing it to waste your life,getting out of the house , (i started by swimming) ,getting a part time job doing something fun, if you are in a abusive relationship be brave and RUN ,just get out of it,and just take it one day at a time cause you will find out there is just so much beauty out there still to be seen and experienced .

hope many of the other people i knew and havent heard from in ages is that they have also learned to move on and are doing better , it does and can happen to you too.
not so lonelybeeme anymore

Aww..that's sweet
I'm glad to hear about this.
I also wish you all the best lonely2beeme...well not so anymore I guess
All the best & may happiness surround you always.
Take care!

lonely2beeme Good for you girl You took charge of your life and dropped all the dead beats

Don't be a stranger and come back and say HI from time to time we ye

Congratulations! I don't know you, but its an awesome thing to hear about such happiness after so many difficulties!

hey I'm really glad your feeling better and i hope things will continue to stay good.

I've had problems with anxiety attacks to they can really suck, now i know what they are i can handle it and it isn't so scary, when i first gotthem I thought there was something fataly wrong with me and that just made it even worse. So i just have to tell myself I'm fine and wait it out.

oo you had surgery i'm really sorry about that i'm glad you're recovery alright, can I ask what it was for, you don't have to say if you don't want to I'm just curious.

I wish you the best of luck, and remeber to keep doing good things for yourself, keep up with your job and exercise

i had surgery to have my gall bladder removed.
i had really bad pancreaitis which is the worst pain ever !!! i screamed for about 24 hours and they kept giving me shots of painkilers which would quiet me for all of half and hour before i started screaming again.i had six shots in six hours they took tests and the blood tests showed my pancreas was breaking down .on example of pain ,pancreas pain is way worse than child birth (medical fact if u ask a doctor and i have had 3 children) .i was put in induced coma for 2 days so the pain wouldnt make me insane , while they treated the pancreas ,went in through my mouth ,down my stomach ,and into my intestine lasered open my bile duct and entered the pancreas with a camera and lil thing that pulls out gall bladder stones. well seems i had hundreds of gall bladder stones blocking the bile duct which caused the pancreas to be blocked then when i ate food the pancreas makes fluids that are suppose to go out into the intestines and mix with the food to break it down , since the gall stones were blocking it ,my pancreas was in effect digesting itself.
was in the hospital for 2 monthes while they opened my chest from the middle just under my breast all the way down diagnally along the ribcage to my waist .most gall bladders can be removed with small cuts but my gall bladder was 4 times the normal size and very thick and stiff the size of a football giving me my massive shark bite looking scar.i was in a real bad way
luckily i got it removed before it became cancerous. so its all good ,lost 27 pounds during that time too so no complaints.alot of pain but its gone now .
thats the detailed story of my surgery and it has been a lil over 4 monthes since and all is great.
spent a week in hawaii with my boyfriend in january ,all was great,he is still afraid that he might hurt me hahahaha like hugging or anything will hurt me but its all good .i got a pic i would post lol but ummmmm well i would have to edit to make sure the pic is decent for public cause its really big (the scar) lol
anyway thanks guys ,try and be happy ,its possiable,i still have my days ,anxiety attacks i just have learned to have them and not let them have me =)