Betrayed (poem)

Here is a poem from my book Tattered Daisies, published 2005. Just sharing, but comments and critiques are always welcome.

Betrayed

The mask, he pulls across his face
Before they go to sleep,
Then clings in desperate silence to
The secret he must keep.

She cannot know that passions brew,
That yearning swells inside,
Nor that his heartbeat whispers of
A love he has to hide.

She cannot know the images
That lie within his eyes,
The tears that fall unchallenged for
The love behind the lies.

So as the shadowed hours pass
And sleep upon her falls,
He prays she cannot hear the voice
As restless memories call.

He prays his heart be silent as
He steals a moment's bliss
And that his lips do not betray
The memory of the kiss,

That shadows hide the glow we spur
From fanning secret flames
And she not see her piece of him
She's lost to me again.

This is great! You have this strong voice and powerful emotion to your words. It feels like there are even stronger emotions swirling beneath the surface, and the rhythmic structure of the poem is struggling to hold them in place. I love the mood and feelings you've created here. I like how you don't always rhyme perfectly, and it may work even better when lines B and D don't rhyme exactly (perhaps it's a bit too structured when they do). The last stanza really stands out to me, with its strong imagery (fanning secret flames, she not see her piece of him...). The line "shadows hide the glow we spur" may be my favourite in the whole poem. Well done!

Thank you so much for your feedback. I think I've gained another fan . You are right about the "near rhymes". I don't like to sacrifice sense for the rhyme, so many times I will use near rhymes instead of trying to rhyme perfectly.

this is heartwrenching and stirring!

Thanks BlueSunshine

Overwhelmingly heart wrenching! So beautiful and touching! And, congratulations on your being published more than once.

Thanks WishingWell, thanks so much )

I just call it as I read it/believe it! Keep on sending your poems! They are awesome!

Again, thanks