I can't move past the beginning into real friendship

I am only 30 and it’s been quite some time that I have been without friends. My problem is not with making initial connections with people and my problem is not with getting significant others.

I’m fairly at ease in social situations. The problem is with moving beyond the superficial with people. People don’t seem to fully connect with me. I always end up being the go to person for people when they are bored and they have no other options. People call me on their boring days like Sunday-Thursday but they won’t try to do things on a Friday or Saturday which they keep for their real friends. If I suggest doing anything during a premium time slot I’m told “I’ll let you know”, “maybe”, “no promises” etc. which means I’m on hold until nothing else comes up.
I end up resenting these people because I know they are not making any real commitment to me. I don’t feel like I should be satisfied with the scraps of attention and time they throw to me and I refuse to settle for it and I cut them off. If everyone else can have real, committed friends so can I. And I don’t feel that spending time with these people to fill up their moments of boredom will lead to a deeper friendship later.

I’m getting dangerously lonely because it’s summer time and people are starting to do things and go places and I’m just a bi-stander. Recently was the Memorial Day holiday weekend. I spent the entire 3 days in the house while everyone else was partying, at the beach, cookouts, and having fun. I wasn’t invited anywhere to do anything. I had some acquaintances who texted me to tell me what they were going to be doing but didn’t invite me or care that I didn’t have any plans. I thought I was going to perish over that weekend, it was terrible. I wanted to die and I felt totally suicidal like it was my time to just give up because I can’t make it.

Not having any friends takes its toll on my romantic relationships because I end up trying to make that person everything by being around them all day, every day because I have no other connections and I want to feel with someone. I realize that is not healthy and that there should be balance in the relationship but I can’t ever seem to stop.

In sharp contrast to what I just said above. I’m doing something very pathetic right now and I’m really ashamed of it and I can’t seem to stop it. I have a strange quasi-friendship with a friend that turned into a short-term boyfriend but now we are exes. The romantic aspect is completely gone and this is not about residual feelings or desires to get back together. It’s more that he is familiar, we were acquaintances before the tiny relationship and I engage him because he’s the only person I have if I want to see a movie, go out to eat, do anything fun, or even just have someone to talk to. But for this friendship I’m paying a high price. He uses me and he knows I have no friends so he’s leveraging my desperation to his advantage. I give him 100 percent of time if he wants to do something I will hang out. If he needs help in some way I give full effort, etc. He only gives me about 20 percent maybe he will help me maybe he won’t. I’m so terrified of just ending this strange friendship or whatever it is because it will mean that I will be all alone again.

He has me by the balls because I’ve acquiesced to his terms and grounds for friendship: that everything will be on his terms, his time frame, etc. I’m willing to accept someone who doesn’t fully value me because I don’t want to be alone.

I need advice. I need the courage to walk away from this situation and I need to know how others feel about whether or not it’s even fruitful to entertain being a secondary friend who’s just called upon during times of boredom.

Maybe you get the "I'll let you know" "maybe" because you don't have much of a connection with them. You said it yourself you have trouble moving past the superficial, people can pick up on that. When they go hang out with others, they want to go out with people that they know they can have fun with. I'd take the time you can get with them, have fun, open yourself up more so they and you can get to know each other better. Use that time to build your friendships. Then they might start inviting you out for the prime time slots.

As for the "friend", and I use that term loosely because he's not, just walk away or start telling him no. I've been there before, I've been used by so called friends, only to get stabbed in the back, or not have them there when I needed them. Yet they always expect you to be and try to guilt you if you aren't. That is no kind of friendship. Friends are always there for each other, it's a two way street.

You seem to know where some of your problems lay and that's good. You can work on those. Change won't come right away but if you keep working on those things, like with your relationships. When you realize you might be coming on too strong take a step back, stop yourself. There's something else you can do too, if you can take it. Be open and honest, ask them to let you know if you are coming on too strong or getting to be a bit too much. It might hurt when they tell you but it can help you learn when too much is too much.

I am much the same as you, I am 30 and struggle with friendships. I found myself in a similar position to you a few years ago and it did not end well. If you are doing what I was doing then you are depending on that person for all your social needs, and that will never end well. I would think you need to keep hold of that friendship, so you need to take things easy there.

But with other friendships you mention that people don’t go to you for a big Friday night out and that, again the same thing used to happen to me. In my case I lacked confidence, self esteem and because I was a tad miserable and self loathing I suppose I was not the big jolly character that people tend to like to spend their Friday nights with. I had to conclude that they were not really the right people for me nor I for them. I would have fared better with highly educated/cultured thinkers that cool, Leary happy go lucky people.

So what I would ask you to think about is do you think you are choosing the right personality traits in the people you seek to be friends with? How would you describe your character and how would you describe your friends?

If they are not choosing you for the big nights out and only go to you out of boredom then you are either choosing your friends badly, expecting friendships from people who only want a casual acquaintance, or something about your character is putting them off.

I’m not saying anything I have said is right, but your story is similar to mine so I think there may be things you can look at about yourself. It’s a whole lot easier to fix your problems when you understand what they are.

cruelboy said:

I am only 30 and it’s been quite some time that I have been without friends. My problem is not with making initial connections with people and my problem is not with getting significant others.

I’m fairly at ease in social situations. The problem is with moving beyond the superficial with people. People don’t seem to fully connect with me. I always end up being the go to person for people when they are bored and they have no other options. People call me on their boring days like Sunday-Thursday but they won’t try to do things on a Friday or Saturday which they keep for their real friends. If I suggest doing anything during a premium time slot I’m told “I’ll let you know”, “maybe”, “no promises” etc. which means I’m on hold until nothing else comes up.
I end up resenting these people because I know they are not making any real commitment to me. I don’t feel like I should be satisfied with the scraps of attention and time they throw to me and I refuse to settle for it and I cut them off. If everyone else can have real, committed friends so can I. And I don’t feel that spending time with these people to fill up their moments of boredom will lead to a deeper friendship later.

I’m getting dangerously lonely because it’s summer time and people are starting to do things and go places and I’m just a bi-stander. Recently was the Memorial Day holiday weekend. I spent the entire 3 days in the house while everyone else was partying, at the beach, cookouts, and having fun. I wasn’t invited anywhere to do anything. I had some acquaintances who texted me to tell me what they were going to be doing but didn’t invite me or care that I didn’t have any plans. I thought I was going to perish over that weekend, it was terrible. I wanted to die and I felt totally suicidal like it was my time to just give up because I can’t make it.

Not having any friends takes its toll on my romantic relationships because I end up trying to make that person everything by being around them all day, every day because I have no other connections and I want to feel with someone. I realize that is not healthy and that there should be balance in the relationship but I can’t ever seem to stop.

In sharp contrast to what I just said above. I’m doing something very pathetic right now and I’m really ashamed of it and I can’t seem to stop it. I have a strange quasi-friendship with a friend that turned into a short-term boyfriend but now we are exes. The romantic aspect is completely gone and this is not about residual feelings or desires to get back together. It’s more that he is familiar, we were acquaintances before the tiny relationship and I engage him because he’s the only person I have if I want to see a movie, go out to eat, do anything fun, or even just have someone to talk to. But for this friendship I’m paying a high price. He uses me and he knows I have no friends so he’s leveraging my desperation to his advantage. I give him 100 percent of time if he wants to do something I will hang out. If he needs help in some way I give full effort, etc. He only gives me about 20 percent maybe he will help me maybe he won’t. I’m so terrified of just ending this strange friendship or whatever it is because it will mean that I will be all alone again.

He has me by the balls because I’ve acquiesced to his terms and grounds for friendship: that everything will be on his terms, his time frame, etc. I’m willing to accept someone who doesn’t fully value me because I don’t want to be alone.

I need advice. I need the courage to walk away from this situation and I need to know how others feel about whether or not it’s even fruitful to entertain being a secondary friend who’s just called upon during times of boredom.

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cumulus.james said:

I am much the same as you, I am 30 and struggle with friendships. I found myself in a similar position to you a few years ago and it did not end well. If you are doing what I was doing then you are depending on that person for all your social needs, and that will never end well. I would think you need to keep hold of that friendship, so you need to take things easy there.

But with other friendships you mention that people don’t go to you for a big Friday night out and that, again the same thing used to happen to me. In my case I lacked confidence, self esteem and because I was a tad miserable and self loathing I suppose I was not the big jolly character that people tend to like to spend their Friday nights with. I had to conclude that they were not really the right people for me nor I for them. I would have fared better with highly educated/cultured thinkers that cool, Leary happy go lucky people.

So what I would ask you to think about is do you think you are choosing the right personality traits in the people you seek to be friends with? How would you describe your character and how would you describe your friends?

If they are not choosing you for the big nights out and only go to you out of boredom then you are either choosing your friends badly, expecting friendships from people who only want a casual acquaintance, or something about your character is putting them off.

I’m not saying anything I have said is right, but your story is similar to mine so I think there may be things you can look at about yourself. It’s a whole lot easier to fix your problems when you understand what they are.

cruelboy said:

I am only 30 and it’s been quite some time that I have been without friends. My problem is not with making initial connections with people and my problem is not with getting significant others.

I’m fairly at ease in social situations. The problem is with moving beyond the superficial with people. People don’t seem to fully connect with me. I always end up being the go to person for people when they are bored and they have no other options. People call me on their boring days like Sunday-Thursday but they won’t try to do things on a Friday or Saturday which they keep for their real friends. If I suggest doing anything during a premium time slot I’m told “I’ll let you know”, “maybe”, “no promises” etc. which means I’m on hold until nothing else comes up.
I end up resenting these people because I know they are not making any real commitment to me. I don’t feel like I should be satisfied with the scraps of attention and time they throw to me and I refuse to settle for it and I cut them off. If everyone else can have real, committed friends so can I. And I don’t feel that spending time with these people to fill up their moments of boredom will lead to a deeper friendship later.

I’m getting dangerously lonely because it’s summer time and people are starting to do things and go places and I’m just a bi-stander. Recently was the Memorial Day holiday weekend. I spent the entire 3 days in the house while everyone else was partying, at the beach, cookouts, and having fun. I wasn’t invited anywhere to do anything. I had some acquaintances who texted me to tell me what they were going to be doing but didn’t invite me or care that I didn’t have any plans. I thought I was going to perish over that weekend, it was terrible. I wanted to die and I felt totally suicidal like it was my time to just give up because I can’t make it.

Not having any friends takes its toll on my romantic relationships because I end up trying to make that person everything by being around them all day, every day because I have no other connections and I want to feel with someone. I realize that is not healthy and that there should be balance in the relationship but I can’t ever seem to stop.

In sharp contrast to what I just said above. I’m doing something very pathetic right now and I’m really ashamed of it and I can’t seem to stop it. I have a strange quasi-friendship with a friend that turned into a short-term boyfriend but now we are exes. The romantic aspect is completely gone and this is not about residual feelings or desires to get back together. It’s more that he is familiar, we were acquaintances before the tiny relationship and I engage him because he’s the only person I have if I want to see a movie, go out to eat, do anything fun, or even just have someone to talk to. But for this friendship I’m paying a high price. He uses me and he knows I have no friends so he’s leveraging my desperation to his advantage. I give him 100 percent of time if he wants to do something I will hang out. If he needs help in some way I give full effort, etc. He only gives me about 20 percent maybe he will help me maybe he won’t. I’m so terrified of just ending this strange friendship or whatever it is because it will mean that I will be all alone again.

He has me by the balls because I’ve acquiesced to his terms and grounds for friendship: that everything will be on his terms, his time frame, etc. I’m willing to accept someone who doesn’t fully value me because I don’t want to be alone.

I need advice. I need the courage to walk away from this situation and I need to know how others feel about whether or not it’s even fruitful to entertain being a secondary friend who’s just called upon during times of boredom.

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Thank you so much for your response. I'm glad I'm trying to fix this and work on it now while I'm 30, next is 35 and by then I surmise I'd be quite bitter. Well, one thing I have noticed is that I'm very academic and on the intellectual side and this is just my natural nature and in these types of circles I'm fine. But I don't hang out with this kind of crowd. The people I am attracted to are the polar opposite of academic natured thinking people. And since I am this way I know it sometimes rubs people the wrong way.

As an example my ex said that his friends said that when they met me they thought that I thought I was better than everyone, I was too well-spoken, too put together, too educated, and I thought I knew it all. I felt so embarrassed and I was really horrified. None of these things are true about how I think but I had to face a very real perception issue. So after hearing this the next time there was a group gathering I downed some drinks, stayed away from any heavy topics, didn't give my opinion on anything just agreed with everyone, dumbed down a million notches and everyone thought I was great and kept telling me they didn't know I was so cool and I even had one of his friends tell me that when he first met me he thought I was a ****** but now he thinks I'm cool. So I hit it off with everyone but it was an act. I had to keep thinking about what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, what my voice sounded like when I said it, what my face looked like. I felt like a robot. So I feel like I've got to be less smart and less heavy around people because they will hate me otherwise and think these terrible things about who I am. But that was just that one situation. It doesn't explain why I can't manage in others. I've got to relax! Or I'm going to end up not being able to make any connections at all.

You sound very much like the sort of person I would get on with.

cruelboy said:

cumulus.james said:

I am much the same as you, I am 30 and struggle with friendships. I found myself in a similar position to you a few years ago and it did not end well. If you are doing what I was doing then you are depending on that person for all your social needs, and that will never end well. I would think you need to keep hold of that friendship, so you need to take things easy there.

But with other friendships you mention that people don’t go to you for a big Friday night out and that, again the same thing used to happen to me. In my case I lacked confidence, self esteem and because I was a tad miserable and self loathing I suppose I was not the big jolly character that people tend to like to spend their Friday nights with. I had to conclude that they were not really the right people for me nor I for them. I would have fared better with highly educated/cultured thinkers that cool, Leary happy go lucky people.

So what I would ask you to think about is do you think you are choosing the right personality traits in the people you seek to be friends with? How would you describe your character and how would you describe your friends?

If they are not choosing you for the big nights out and only go to you out of boredom then you are either choosing your friends badly, expecting friendships from people who only want a casual acquaintance, or something about your character is putting them off.

I’m not saying anything I have said is right, but your story is similar to mine so I think there may be things you can look at about yourself. It’s a whole lot easier to fix your problems when you understand what they are.

cruelboy said:

I am only 30 and it’s been quite some time that I have been without friends. My problem is not with making initial connections with people and my problem is not with getting significant others.

I’m fairly at ease in social situations. The problem is with moving beyond the superficial with people. People don’t seem to fully connect with me. I always end up being the go to person for people when they are bored and they have no other options. People call me on their boring days like Sunday-Thursday but they won’t try to do things on a Friday or Saturday which they keep for their real friends. If I suggest doing anything during a premium time slot I’m told “I’ll let you know”, “maybe”, “no promises” etc. which means I’m on hold until nothing else comes up.
I end up resenting these people because I know they are not making any real commitment to me. I don’t feel like I should be satisfied with the scraps of attention and time they throw to me and I refuse to settle for it and I cut them off. If everyone else can have real, committed friends so can I. And I don’t feel that spending time with these people to fill up their moments of boredom will lead to a deeper friendship later.

I’m getting dangerously lonely because it’s summer time and people are starting to do things and go places and I’m just a bi-stander. Recently was the Memorial Day holiday weekend. I spent the entire 3 days in the house while everyone else was partying, at the beach, cookouts, and having fun. I wasn’t invited anywhere to do anything. I had some acquaintances who texted me to tell me what they were going to be doing but didn’t invite me or care that I didn’t have any plans. I thought I was going to perish over that weekend, it was terrible. I wanted to die and I felt totally suicidal like it was my time to just give up because I can’t make it.

Not having any friends takes its toll on my romantic relationships because I end up trying to make that person everything by being around them all day, every day because I have no other connections and I want to feel with someone. I realize that is not healthy and that there should be balance in the relationship but I can’t ever seem to stop.

In sharp contrast to what I just said above. I’m doing something very pathetic right now and I’m really ashamed of it and I can’t seem to stop it. I have a strange quasi-friendship with a friend that turned into a short-term boyfriend but now we are exes. The romantic aspect is completely gone and this is not about residual feelings or desires to get back together. It’s more that he is familiar, we were acquaintances before the tiny relationship and I engage him because he’s the only person I have if I want to see a movie, go out to eat, do anything fun, or even just have someone to talk to. But for this friendship I’m paying a high price. He uses me and he knows I have no friends so he’s leveraging my desperation to his advantage. I give him 100 percent of time if he wants to do something I will hang out. If he needs help in some way I give full effort, etc. He only gives me about 20 percent maybe he will help me maybe he won’t. I’m so terrified of just ending this strange friendship or whatever it is because it will mean that I will be all alone again.

He has me by the balls because I’ve acquiesced to his terms and grounds for friendship: that everything will be on his terms, his time frame, etc. I’m willing to accept someone who doesn’t fully value me because I don’t want to be alone.

I need advice. I need the courage to walk away from this situation and I need to know how others feel about whether or not it’s even fruitful to entertain being a secondary friend who’s just called upon during times of boredom.

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your response. I'm glad I'm trying to fix this and work on it now while I'm 30, next is 35 and by then I surmise I'd be quite bitter. Well, one thing I have noticed is that I'm very academic and on the intellectual side and this is just my natural nature and in these types of circles I'm fine. But I don't hang out with this kind of crowd. The people I am attracted to are the polar opposite of academic natured thinking people. And since I am this way I know it sometimes rubs people the wrong way.

As an example my ex said that his friends said that when they met me they thought that I thought I was better than everyone, I was too well-spoken, too put together, too educated, and I thought I knew it all. I felt so embarrassed and I was really horrified. None of these things are true about how I think but I had to face a very real perception issue. So after hearing this the next time there was a group gathering I downed some drinks, stayed away from any heavy topics, didn't give my opinion on anything just agreed with everyone, dumbed down a million notches and everyone thought I was great and kept telling me they didn't know I was so cool and I even had one of his friends tell me that when he first met me he thought I was a ****** but now he thinks I'm cool. So I hit it off with everyone but it was an act. I had to keep thinking about what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, what my voice sounded like when I said it, what my face looked like. I felt like a robot. So I feel like I've got to be less smart and less heavy around people because they will hate me otherwise and think these terrible things about who I am. But that was just that one situation. It doesn't explain why I can't manage in others. I've got to relax! Or I'm going to end up not being able to make any connections at all.

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I am not really one to talk... but... next time people text you with plans ask if you can come along. Sometimes people consider telling us their plans as asking us to come along.

Another thing to consider is how you met these people. Do you know them from a mutual hobby or work? How long did you know them before you started trying to spend more time in their lives? I have no friends. However, I would find it weird if I just met someone and they suddenly wanted to be my best friend. There is always a grace and buffer period. We just have to make sure that we can get through it.

Hello CruelBoy~

I am a 44 year old woman who has trouble making real friends, too. So I understand.

Having said that I do NOT think it is beneficial or healthy for you to hang out with people who don't value you.

I did this for YEARS. I remember I befriended one couple. The girl was totally lacking ANY social skills and could not be friendly. The guy was better but still, not that nice a person, not very considerate but I happen to be able to converse with him easily.

I remember saying to myself that if I give and be really nice and kind to them (and I was) they would soon return the favor. Nope, did not happen. The girl continued to be rude to me (later I found out it was jealousy) and the guy had passive aggressive issues with me and didn't really value me.

It was NOT good for me to give to people who could not be loving/giving back to me in the same way. I am not friends with them now and I am GLAD. GLAD because I no longer try to beseech friendship from losers who are not as nice as I am! Now I am not popular but I have attracted higher quality people in my life and there is progress.

Hanging out with someone who does not value only erodes your self-esteem, increases desperation and that will only attract more heartache. That is my opinion.

What would be better is to join some group where you can socialize with regularly to get your "fix" so you are not so needy in the outside world. Me, I go to the New Thought church, and that helps. I also have a woman's group I go to where I get my conservation/sharing fix (it's much better, more real conversation than I experience in the outside world).

Is there some kind of group like that that REALLY talks/shares where you can connect in this way?

And I am curious about you rejecting your own type. Why? Is it self-loathing? My bf and I are like you...my bf especially. Highly highly intelligent and it oozes when he speaks. I don't think someone like that should pretend to be something you are not. There are people out there who enjoy people like you, you just got to find them. Go to places/events where intelligent people like that go to. They are out there.

I respect your feelings on this but personally, if I had to change who I was on a fundamental level to have people to hang out with, I'd be very lonely indeed. Also, I have hung out with the people you describe and it's not fun for me! Not putting them down but everyone needs to find friends with like interests/sensibilities. That is the way to heal your loneliness, not changing and abandoning the self. There is a place for you, believe it and know it.

30 year old.

Find new hobbies ? Build self-esteem, self-confidence ? Find people that are nice ?

I guess it's really hard for 30+. People with lots of friends, want to stick with friends they had since early 20s ?

I'm screwed too. Loner and have no plans on Fri/Sat.

friends are the great blessing of Allah.
so we should be conscious about our friends because we can each and every thing with our friends.

loved that post, happy yogi!

Hey cruel it's time for you to seek out people who you have similar interests with. Acting stupid for the sake of fitting in doesn't sound like much fun...that's like me trying to act smart! Anyway my point is to find people who you relate to and visa versa.