I
insanelyloneley
Guest
I feel there is something evil trapped inside me I'm always fighting off. A demon who's the real me just waiting to come out.
I've not really done anything bad in my life. In fact I'm a nice person who's always willing to help people, and I'm generally more willing to negotiate rather than fight. My actions will show I'm a good person. Sure, I've done bad things, some things I shouldn't have done, but at the end of the day people will still consider me "good."
With that said, I have these urges to be destructive, hurtful, manipulative, evil. These are my natural desires, my natural instincts -- I always need to push them away so I can stop thinking about them. Honestly, when I think about it, I can see other people as "prey" rather than "equals."
When I think about, evil acts don't bother me. People I know are horrified by horrible acts of violence (school shootings, senseless killings, terrorism, beatings, torture, etc), but I feel nothing when it comes to that stuff. Are they bad acts, yes I think they are, there's no point in killing innocent people. Yet I feel nothing about all that spilled blood.
If someone were to shoot up his office, I wouldn't feel anything. The only thing I'd wonder is why did he kill his coworkers when he should've only killed his boss/upper management instead? With terrorism, I wonder why do they attack all those civilians when it makes more sense to attack the actual fighting force?
The only evil acts that do bother me are crimes against children, animals and sex crimes. Those are the only times I'll get upset.
The only close family member who's died is my aunt, who basically lived with me for like 15 years, and it only bothered me for a day: I basically locked my room, read a book, then the next day I was over it. Not sure if that's a normal way to react to the death of a close family member, but that's how I reacted.
Would I react differently if I was participating in the act somehow (as the victim/perpetrator/direct observe), I don't know. People might say it's a desensitization towards violence, but I don't know. I often think the violence in movies/video games is too ridiculous for anyone to get used to real life violence. I'm also not the type who seeks out videos of people being killed/beaten/etc.
Aside from the violence, me viewing people as "prey" is something that also disturbs me. There are weak people I could manipulate to do my bidding, and I can tell this just by looking at them. I just look at a person and decide if he/she is my tool. Have I actually gone through with this manipulation...no. Why not -- I feel that it's ultimately pointless. It won't make my life better, it won't grant me happiness -- it will only fulfill empty impulses/urges.
I also feel no emotion towards most people. Do I love my family -- I'm not sure. Do I care about my friends -- I don't know. Do I value my associates -- I have no idea. The reason why I think I should do nothing bad to them is because ultimately it'll come back to bite me in the ass. So I view it as a calculation rather than a natural inclination to be good to them -- is something wrong with me?
I've been this way since I was at least 13-years-old. Not all of this at once, but I know at that age violence didn't bother me at all. If the other things were there, I don't remember, but they've certainly been inside me for the last couple of years. Maybe they're here now because I'm at a very unhappy place in my life, and thats when the worst in you comes out.
However, I also think that I'm really an evil creature, and trying to be good goes against my natural urges. This is why I also feel that God (replace God with whatever you believe in if it makes you more comfortable) is punishing me. Nothing I'd consider that serious happens to me, but just enough happens to put another unwanted obstacle in my life. It's like I'm being toyed with, and I hate it. I'd rather God either stop punishing me and start helping me; or ******* kill me outright.
However, if I'm really evil, I can understand why I'm being punished. Maybe if things were to start going my way I'd end up doing all these evil urges I suppress on a daily basis. On the other hand, I see myself doing a lot more good than evil. But if evil is what I am, it's more satisfying to slowly hurt evil rather than one quick death.
I don't know who to talk to about this, and I'm not sure if anyone else is like me. And no way in hell will I tell a therapist about this -- he/she will probably label me as a sociopath/psychopath and that'll make my life even worse. I just find it unfair that people who are thousands of times worse than me are allowed to live their lives as they please without any obstacles, while I suffer for wanting to be good.
I've not really done anything bad in my life. In fact I'm a nice person who's always willing to help people, and I'm generally more willing to negotiate rather than fight. My actions will show I'm a good person. Sure, I've done bad things, some things I shouldn't have done, but at the end of the day people will still consider me "good."
With that said, I have these urges to be destructive, hurtful, manipulative, evil. These are my natural desires, my natural instincts -- I always need to push them away so I can stop thinking about them. Honestly, when I think about it, I can see other people as "prey" rather than "equals."
When I think about, evil acts don't bother me. People I know are horrified by horrible acts of violence (school shootings, senseless killings, terrorism, beatings, torture, etc), but I feel nothing when it comes to that stuff. Are they bad acts, yes I think they are, there's no point in killing innocent people. Yet I feel nothing about all that spilled blood.
If someone were to shoot up his office, I wouldn't feel anything. The only thing I'd wonder is why did he kill his coworkers when he should've only killed his boss/upper management instead? With terrorism, I wonder why do they attack all those civilians when it makes more sense to attack the actual fighting force?
The only evil acts that do bother me are crimes against children, animals and sex crimes. Those are the only times I'll get upset.
The only close family member who's died is my aunt, who basically lived with me for like 15 years, and it only bothered me for a day: I basically locked my room, read a book, then the next day I was over it. Not sure if that's a normal way to react to the death of a close family member, but that's how I reacted.
Would I react differently if I was participating in the act somehow (as the victim/perpetrator/direct observe), I don't know. People might say it's a desensitization towards violence, but I don't know. I often think the violence in movies/video games is too ridiculous for anyone to get used to real life violence. I'm also not the type who seeks out videos of people being killed/beaten/etc.
Aside from the violence, me viewing people as "prey" is something that also disturbs me. There are weak people I could manipulate to do my bidding, and I can tell this just by looking at them. I just look at a person and decide if he/she is my tool. Have I actually gone through with this manipulation...no. Why not -- I feel that it's ultimately pointless. It won't make my life better, it won't grant me happiness -- it will only fulfill empty impulses/urges.
I also feel no emotion towards most people. Do I love my family -- I'm not sure. Do I care about my friends -- I don't know. Do I value my associates -- I have no idea. The reason why I think I should do nothing bad to them is because ultimately it'll come back to bite me in the ass. So I view it as a calculation rather than a natural inclination to be good to them -- is something wrong with me?
I've been this way since I was at least 13-years-old. Not all of this at once, but I know at that age violence didn't bother me at all. If the other things were there, I don't remember, but they've certainly been inside me for the last couple of years. Maybe they're here now because I'm at a very unhappy place in my life, and thats when the worst in you comes out.
However, I also think that I'm really an evil creature, and trying to be good goes against my natural urges. This is why I also feel that God (replace God with whatever you believe in if it makes you more comfortable) is punishing me. Nothing I'd consider that serious happens to me, but just enough happens to put another unwanted obstacle in my life. It's like I'm being toyed with, and I hate it. I'd rather God either stop punishing me and start helping me; or ******* kill me outright.
However, if I'm really evil, I can understand why I'm being punished. Maybe if things were to start going my way I'd end up doing all these evil urges I suppress on a daily basis. On the other hand, I see myself doing a lot more good than evil. But if evil is what I am, it's more satisfying to slowly hurt evil rather than one quick death.
I don't know who to talk to about this, and I'm not sure if anyone else is like me. And no way in hell will I tell a therapist about this -- he/she will probably label me as a sociopath/psychopath and that'll make my life even worse. I just find it unfair that people who are thousands of times worse than me are allowed to live their lives as they please without any obstacles, while I suffer for wanting to be good.