Am I evil, good or eternally damned?

I feel there is something evil trapped inside me I'm always fighting off. A demon who's the real me just waiting to come out.

I've not really done anything bad in my life. In fact I'm a nice person who's always willing to help people, and I'm generally more willing to negotiate rather than fight. My actions will show I'm a good person. Sure, I've done bad things, some things I shouldn't have done, but at the end of the day people will still consider me "good."


With that said, I have these urges to be destructive, hurtful, manipulative, evil. These are my natural desires, my natural instincts -- I always need to push them away so I can stop thinking about them. Honestly, when I think about it, I can see other people as "prey" rather than "equals."

When I think about, evil acts don't bother me. People I know are horrified by horrible acts of violence (school shootings, senseless killings, terrorism, beatings, torture, etc), but I feel nothing when it comes to that stuff. Are they bad acts, yes I think they are, there's no point in killing innocent people. Yet I feel nothing about all that spilled blood.

If someone were to shoot up his office, I wouldn't feel anything. The only thing I'd wonder is why did he kill his coworkers when he should've only killed his boss/upper management instead? With terrorism, I wonder why do they attack all those civilians when it makes more sense to attack the actual fighting force?

The only evil acts that do bother me are crimes against children, animals and sex crimes. Those are the only times I'll get upset.

The only close family member who's died is my aunt, who basically lived with me for like 15 years, and it only bothered me for a day: I basically locked my room, read a book, then the next day I was over it. Not sure if that's a normal way to react to the death of a close family member, but that's how I reacted.

Would I react differently if I was participating in the act somehow (as the victim/perpetrator/direct observe), I don't know. People might say it's a desensitization towards violence, but I don't know. I often think the violence in movies/video games is too ridiculous for anyone to get used to real life violence. I'm also not the type who seeks out videos of people being killed/beaten/etc.

Aside from the violence, me viewing people as "prey" is something that also disturbs me. There are weak people I could manipulate to do my bidding, and I can tell this just by looking at them. I just look at a person and decide if he/she is my tool. Have I actually gone through with this manipulation...no. Why not -- I feel that it's ultimately pointless. It won't make my life better, it won't grant me happiness -- it will only fulfill empty impulses/urges.

I also feel no emotion towards most people. Do I love my family -- I'm not sure. Do I care about my friends -- I don't know. Do I value my associates -- I have no idea. The reason why I think I should do nothing bad to them is because ultimately it'll come back to bite me in the ass. So I view it as a calculation rather than a natural inclination to be good to them -- is something wrong with me?

I've been this way since I was at least 13-years-old. Not all of this at once, but I know at that age violence didn't bother me at all. If the other things were there, I don't remember, but they've certainly been inside me for the last couple of years. Maybe they're here now because I'm at a very unhappy place in my life, and thats when the worst in you comes out.

However, I also think that I'm really an evil creature, and trying to be good goes against my natural urges. This is why I also feel that God (replace God with whatever you believe in if it makes you more comfortable) is punishing me. Nothing I'd consider that serious happens to me, but just enough happens to put another unwanted obstacle in my life. It's like I'm being toyed with, and I hate it. I'd rather God either stop punishing me and start helping me; or ******* kill me outright.

However, if I'm really evil, I can understand why I'm being punished. Maybe if things were to start going my way I'd end up doing all these evil urges I suppress on a daily basis. On the other hand, I see myself doing a lot more good than evil. But if evil is what I am, it's more satisfying to slowly hurt evil rather than one quick death.

I don't know who to talk to about this, and I'm not sure if anyone else is like me. And no way in hell will I tell a therapist about this -- he/she will probably label me as a sociopath/psychopath and that'll make my life even worse. I just find it unfair that people who are thousands of times worse than me are allowed to live their lives as they please without any obstacles, while I suffer for wanting to be good.

I feel the same way about most situations. My heart didn't sadden with the 9/11 attacks, nor do any of the natural disasters like what happened with Japan/Haiti/Chile, etc. affect me in any way. In fact, natural disasters are something I wish would get worse from time to time, just because I love seeing what nature can do. One of my oft fantasies is being able to watch from my yard as an asteroid or comet the size of a planet crashes into Earth and wipes us all out. I want to travel to the mid-west just so I can see a tornado in person. I've also taken a great interest in some of the well-known serial killers of our time, trying to understand why it is they felt the need to kill innocent people. I am one of the people that seeks out horrific images like beheading's.

I don't know what kind of person you are, but the difference between us may be that I am only curious about what hell nature and people can bring about each other. I know that I do not have it within myself to just blatantly start killing people or using people for my own my will. I am also a person that does not, nor has ever, believed in God. Often I hear, "If you don't believe in God, where do you get your morals?". I think morals are naturally a part of us and can only be manipulated by others to steer them toward indecency. In the end, you have the power to decide whether you want to be evil or if you want to be good. Bringing God into it is just creating a scapegoat for your actions - you are responsible for what you do regardless if there is a God or none.

One suggestion I'd like to make is to read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus, if you haven't already. It may be able to give you some perspective.

The fact that you question yourself already means that you aren't evil.

You may be different. I am not entirely bothered by violence myself either. Consider that it may be a good thing, and least of all, do not repress yourself. And if you think that you are completely all right with manipulation, for example, consider using it for a good cause. There are plenty of truly evil people who do deserve to be taken down a notch.

I lack empathy as well, while being the nicest of guys on the outside. It's a defensive mechanism. I'm currently discussing it with my psychologist. I'll write a success thread once we get to the bottom of it and I turn my social life upside down.[/php]

I don't really think there is such a thing as a good or evil person, only people that sometimes do good or really shitty things.

When i was younger i had a lot of ******* rage life was honeysuckle and i was pissed, i divulged in some violent fantasies/daydreams and a lot of violent music, but beyond that i never really did anything violent or illegal, except for playing with a fire a little but i never set anything besides matches and paper on fire.

I still get ******* pissed from time to time but it's not as frequent and goes away after awhile, i do have a lot of apathy now though.

But in my opinion thoughts and feelings don't make you evil or anything, so long as you don't act on those thoughts or feelings,

you have choice to do wrong and so far you haven't which is great

What is the old saying, all work and no play makes you a dull boy? I think we all need to be good and bad to be well adjusted. If we do not let some of these feelings out they will just build up. I can say I have had a lot of similar fantasies. I have them less now that I am a bit more selfish.

Having those thoughts do not make you an evil person. Acting on them does.

We're bombarded with news stories about people dying en masse for various reasons several times a day. It's to be expected that after 20 some years that it would become old hat when you hear about a bunch of people you don't know or care about dying horrible deaths.

One of the greatest things about people is that we're able to adapt to nearly everything. Especially mass murder.

To answer th OP... I have a simple philosophy- If you do good things, you are a good person. If you do bad things, you are a bad person. What goes on in one's head isn't the important thing.

Honestly, my life has been miserable for a long time. It feels like God is ******* me as a joke. I can say with confidence that I hate our Lord.

The way I see it, I either live a good, miserable life and still end up in Hell because I feel that will always be my destiny.
Or I live an evil, pleasurable, impulsive life and have a grand old time on the way to Hell.


Why not give into my natural urges, my natural impulses, my dark side -- what reason is there for me not to do so?

This is going to sound terse and unsympathetic but I believe your comments are incredibly demoralizing to our species as a whole.

What I think you should do, just after you make the decision to be "good" or "evil" is go up to whatever male parental figure you have in your life and tell him your choice. If you choose evil, my hope is that the person you talk to will be able to sum up life in a way that makes sense to you so that you realize what a selfish and deviated person you're planning to become. If you can't see reason, I would then hope that person has enough sense to beat the honeysuckle out of you until you learn some respect and decency for what life is intended to be.

I don't know what needs to occur to snap people out of their fever dream where consequences don't exist for their actions, but I do know the last thing it needs is another pseudo-minded ******* who thinks evil is OK because they're "damned" anyway. Why are you only thinking about yourself? Do you not realize that by contributing to the evil in this world you are assisting in the downward spiral it's already in? Are you so angry and apathetic that maybe...that's what you want?

Why are you talking about your "Lord" as if he were some troubled bully on the playground ******* with you just for the sake of it? From what I understand, that's not the goal here. You need a good reason not to go to the dark side? How about being able to look at yourself in the mirror without vomiting at the sight of your caustic and self-indulgent behavior.

Stride said:

This is going to sound terse and unsympathetic but I believe your comments are incredibly demoralizing to our species as a whole.

What I think you should do, just after you make the decision to be "good" or "evil" is go up to whatever male parental figure you have in your life and tell him your choice. If you choose evil, my hope is that the person you talk to will be able to sum up life in a way that makes sense to you so that you realize what a selfish and deviated person you're planning to become. If you can't see reason, I would then hope that person has enough sense to beat the honeysuckle out of you until you learn some respect and decency for what life is intended to be.

I don't know what needs to occur to snap people out of their fever dream where consequences don't exist for their actions, but I do know the last thing it needs is another pseudo-minded ******* who thinks evil is OK because they're "damned" anyway. Why are you only thinking about yourself? Do you not realize that by contributing to the evil in this world you are assisting in the downward spiral it's already in? Are you so angry and apathetic that maybe...that's what you want?

Why are you talking about your "Lord" as if he were some troubled bully on the playground ******* with you just for the sake of it? From what I understand, that's not the goal here. You need a good reason not to go to the dark side? How about being able to look at yourself in the mirror without vomiting at the sight of your caustic and self-indulgent behavior.

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Hey, say whatever you have to say, it doesn't matter to me. Honestly, you don't really know me and you never will. You can hate me or like me...whatever. At the end of the day no one truly cares about you or I, all humans are selfish-as-hell deep down inside so why try to hold that back?

Perhaps you think I'm going to go around committing a bunch of crimes, I'm not. There are plenty of evil people who follow the rules. Perhaps you think I want to hurt a bunch of innocent people just for fun, I don't. However, if they're in my way, then so be it. I do have my own personal code that I'll never break, but no point in explaining it.

You don't know what it's like to see people as prey, as mere objects to be used solely for my personal gain. To not care about anything unless it affects me in some way. I'm not choosing to be this way, I merely am this way. And why am I holding this back, what do I gain by not doing what feels natural for me? I even remember telling myself as a child "I don't feel like doing the good thing, but I should do the good thing because it will provide a better outcome for me."

I only said that previous post for attention. Because I know once I start giving in to my urges I'm never going to stop...ever. I don't want to be an evil person, but every moment it's harder to hold that back. When nothing ever goes your way, when everything feels like it's crumbling, it becomes harder to keep your composure.


BTW, I do feel that dear God hates me and is torturing me either for fun or for something I just don't understand. However, I feel that no matter what I do I will still end up in Hell, and I've felt that way for most of my life.

Hi-
I don't believe in god so I don't have anything to say about your thoughts about Hell and the Lord. I will say, though, that I manage to live a straight-as-an-arrow life as a parent and productive member of society without believing in god or religion.
So these thoughts and your self-perception weren't created in a vacuum. Were you raised in a religious household or abused when you were a kid? Just wondering.

Teresa

The only thing wrong is to not live your nature. I also don't quite believe that you are quite as 'evil' as you think you are, given how much thought that you put into this. There's nothing wrong to being selfish in life; a lot of good is accomplished by being selfish. You'll find that the best way to get a lot of use from people, indeed, comes from treating them well.

Assume, for example, that you are running a small business and need employees. Then it may be best for you to find the best people and encourage their growth so that it will benefit your business, and allow you to profit more(while doing less work, yourself, incidentally).

So, yes, do the thing that gives you the best outcome. You'll find that it often does coincide with doing the 'right thing'.

How can you say theres no point to explaining your personal code? Isn't that what this thread is about? Clearly you have strong feelings about right and wrong, which is in and of itself something that a lot of "evil" people have as well. Really the only thing separating them and the rest of us (and you are with the rest of us) is that first soul. That little catalyst that tells you that its ok to do this horrible thing, you've already done bad before, and you're already going to hell, "might as well enjoy the ride." If it bothers you so much still than I agree that you must allow yourself to be human and vent your cruelty, because being too good makes people feel holier than thou, and the self righteous are already prepared to forgive themselves so they can perform whatever atrocities they wish.

Be a jerk, save a life

Reggie Jected said:

...and the self righteous are already prepared to forgive themselves so they can perform whatever atrocities they wish.

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Whoa, that's deep. Well said!

Teresa

are m glad someone knows good,bad and eternally evil are 3 separate things.... Eternally damned are not bad people they are just misunderstood throughout history

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There is 3 entities in the world good bad and eternally damned

are m glad someone knows good,bad and eternally evil are 3 separate things.... Eternally damned are not bad people they are just misunderstood throughout history