Being rejected growing up is hard. My past still haunts me to this day.

Hi, I'm new to this forum and this is my first time posting after lurking around for half a day. I'm sorry if this sounds like ranting!!!

Ever since I was a kid I've had unhealthy self esteem. One day when I was 8 my friend asked me why I was so clingy, always tagging along with them and coming to their desks to make small talk during breaks. I had an outgoing personality and enjoyed their company but they didn't enjoy mine, in fact they found me pretty annoying! I think I was rather insecure due to my upbringing. During my teenage years I tricked myself into thinking I didn't like people as a self defense mechanism, but the truth was far more painful - they didn't like me. Because no one paid any attention to me and even gave me pretty negative responses...yea I was ignored, and treated like crap. I still remember when I was 15 I went to school from 6am to 6pm...and didn't utter a single word. I hadn't realize that this had been going on for days until I went home and felt so numb. That day I walked around in a daze...it was as if I had been ignored out of existence. I guess a lack of companionship does this to you. In school we all had separate desks. But it was common during non-exam periods to 'join' our desks together. Everyone in my class of 40 joined the desks with each other, but all the people near me refused to join my desk with me. Man, the public humiliation was unbearable. Every teacher who walked in class immediately knew who the class loser was! Of course to save me from further embarrassment none of the teachers mentioned anything so I just wallowed in my own misery... Well these aren't even the worst of my experiences, they rest are too complicated, tiring and embarrassing to talk about.

I came from an all-girls school, and if you ever watched the movie 'Mean Girls' you'll know when I tell you girls can be utterly ruthless...they kill you with words and not fists. And lets not forget their innate superpower known as shunning...when one girl hates you...their feelings multiplies like diseased amoeba and soon the whole class hates you! Anyway according to social hierarchy I was the bottom of the barrel. From the first day in my new class too...we were all new, but I could see people hesitated when I talked to them! What was so wrong with me and so different about me that people would hate me so much?! Then I changed tactics...and tried being 'nice'. Wrong move. People thought I was so desperate. I had a vibe that whimpered "please be my friend please please I will do anything". Thinking back on it, I really treasured my niceness though. It was rare. People seem to interpret it as weakness, and I can see why: the people around me thought "she'll put up with anything anyways"

Also, people rejected me cuz I looked like I didn't take care of myself and this apparently translates in not loving yourself and hence not deserving love from others. I had crazy hair. My hair was thick frizzy and I tied it in a low ponytail with center-parting that made me look like grandma!! When I finally went to the hairdresser's (after I left school) the stylist commented "wow your hairstyle is very outdated" My face had pimples and baby fat. I didn't dress like them (apparently this is a very subtle art). Even though we wore uniforms, there was some unspoken rule I wan't aware of until I graduated and grew a sense of self awareness. Apparently, my skirt wasn't short enough. My blouse wasn't low enough. Basically I had to alter my uniform beyond recognition to be accepted. My socks wasn't cool enough. And everybody wore shoelaces. There was another unpopular girl in school and I could see why we both weren't accepted. She didn't wear shoelaces and cool socks of the appropriate length. Neither did I. We wore those ugly slip on shoes. And I didn't have piercings. And you have to tie your hair into high ponytails but pull some loose strands in a messy way out so you will seem cool like you don't care about anything. And also you must dye your hair, or at least have highlights, every time you come back from a summer holiday. It all sounds so stupid but its true...

Fast forward three years later.

I am now 18. Except with new hair. And a new school. Clear skin. Skinny. Discovered makeup. Better esteem but still a little conflicted. I moved to a new school at 15. I still had a complex with my hair and was deathly afraid of people gossiping about it so I chopped it all off. It was like a burden had been lifted. I never felt better! Anyways in three years it all grew back but I was prepared. The discovery of hair straightening changed my life! To an extent, your outside does affect your inside. But I don't know if this is just temporary confidence. Even if it is, it sure feels good.

In my new school, for the first month I didn't fit in. I still looked different then all the other girls. They were kinda tall and had supermodel legs. Plus the most popular air-headed bimbo (she is really a walking stereotype...she and her bf are the most famous couple in our school) was in my class! During the first day someone said something about me that was kinda offensive (ironically she later became a good friend of mine). I thought, "On no, history is repeating itself" but surprisingly I survived AND made friends! For the first time I had my little 'clique'! (I sound so bimbotic now lol). I graduated with 5 people I can truly call my friends. And we still keep in contact. That's a miracle to me. Having friends is kinda like being injected with confidence-steriods!!! But like any happiness drug there are side-effects. Though my outside has changed, my internal is still in conflict. Who am I really? Would my current friends accept me if they knew my past? They say I am wonderful I am but what about the same 'me' just a few years ago? Or is that a different 'me'? Maybe I have some sort of personality crisis. To an extent, I overcompensated. Went crazy over makeup. Lost weight. Threw out my entire closet in a fit of dissatisfaction. Buying only branded clothes. Redesigning my room. The truth is, I was redesigning my life. And somehow, it worked.

And somehow because of this I link my self esteem to superficial things like appearances. My happiness has become linked with my image. It's abit sad really. A few years ago i wore nerdy glasses with thin frames that made me look 10 years older. Now I only wear contacts or those hip thick black frame ones. I remember coming home from my new school after seeing everyone with short skirts, I begged my mom to shorten my skirt for me. She said it was short enough... at that moment my neighbor who has a daughter my age walked in and commented "Wow, why are her school uniform's skirt so long? Its so old-fashioned...you should really adjust it" (thank my lucky stars for this moment my mom instantly shortened all my skirts thanks to my neighbors criticism...while i whined in the background about all the other moms who shortened skirts and how much I suffered without short skirts....lol) The old me is at odds with the current me. When I was young I thought looks weren't important. My parents used to tell me its the inside that counts...and I believed it wholeheartedly. I was a nice girl but I didn't take care of my looks and it seemed like nobody wanted me. Now I'm not so naive....

Life was going pretty smoothly. But even small kinks in the road can awaken hidden emotions buried in the past...like my recent temporary job... serving fancy drinks to some foreign VIPs and taking photos with them (we were dressed in expensive dresses). Anyway 5 girls of my age signed up and we all chatted really nicely except one (this was 3 hours before the event and we were all getting fitted). I guess in the past that would have been me...but now the tables had turned and I wasn't the one being ostracized anymore...At first, it felt like a great relief. She was overweight, had nerdy thin frame glasses, no makeup, crazy hair, not so nice skin, and wore a below the knee length skirt.

I took another look. And I saw myself.

There she was, a mirror of my past. Not daring to talk to us 4 girls. Sitting quietly by the corner, eyes looking down. And oh my god, those slip on shoes. The only difference was, I'm not that girl. I'm an insider now, not an outsider. And I felt bad because I didn't involve her in any of our conversations. Its like I rejected myself. I want nothing to do with my past. I was a victim but now am a perpetrator. What is wrong with me? It gets worse from here. The lady manager walks in. She says the male staff she hired to do heavy work like carrying crates and setting up the stage did not show up. At first she saw only us 4 and said she can't ask any of us to do the men's job...then she saw the lonesome girl and said "Sorry, we have to ask you to carry the items". We all knew why. They wanted her to do behind-the-scenes jobs because of her appearance. Another manager walked in, a male (males usually can't sense tense atmospheres involving girls) and he loudly asked "hey why is she not doing the waitressing job?" You could see the lady manager giving him the "shut up now" look...and then she changed story and said the girl couldn't fit into any of the clothes since she was "big"! That day I really had an eye opener. How people can judge you so easily. How obsessed people are with image. How superficial the world actually is. How easily it was to exclude others without a care for their feelings. How guilty I felt.

Life is really a rough ride...every time you think you've grown up you realize that actually you haven't. you think you grew out of superficiality and childishness and nothing can shock you any more but it does and you think you know yourself but you really don't. I wonder if anyone can relate to me sometimes. Hope you will leave some comments. If you wanna chide me for ignoring other people when I finally am in the position to include others...feel free to do so. Maybe I really deserve it. Maybe I don't have the right to complain about my past.

And thanks for reading if you actually made it through the wall of text!

****. being a girl must suck. But yea, its all a balancing act. Go too far in any direction,even the good ones, and you'll find ugliness. Homeostasis keeps us alive and I think that the pursuit of which is how we live happily. I am glad to read that you are at least still open to growth and change. I am however, a little curious about what brings you to a forum for the lonely specifically.

Reggie Jected said:

****. being a girl must suck. But yea, its all a balancing act. Go too far in any direction,even the good ones, and you'll find ugliness. Homeostasis keeps us alive and I think that the pursuit of which is how we live happily. I am glad to read that you are at least still open to growth and change. I am however, a little curious about what brings you to a forum for the lonely specifically.

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Actually I kinda typed in "low self-esteem" in Google, not particularly loneliness. I read the posts and felt I could relate. Especially the "Facebook sucks" post lol. I was really lonely in the past. Now, to a lesser extent, but sometimes when I see my friends with their whole group of other friends and significant others (especially since they have friends since before age 16 and I don't....) I do get lonely...I think low self esteem is the root of many problems, especially loneliness

And also because I've graduated and am now going to university. The thought of making friends all over again is quite intimidating. Some of my friends are going to the same university as each other, but not me. I guess the anticipation of a new unfamiliar environment does trigger feelings of loneliness in me. Maybe I just need to adapt.

and thanks for the reply! people actually DO read lol!

As long as you are aware of your shortcomming and trying to better yourself with them than using them as an excuse, Then I'm sure you will do great. Good Luck

I'm glad you shared your story. There's a lot of wisdom in it and in you; childhood experiences do often last a lifetime and I think it is VERY perceptive of you how you realize how you perpetuate the same things that happened to you. It is interesting how that works, no?

And how much of our lives almost seem to be meant to be lived as a mask, adopting more acceptable guises - quite often, literally, in the clothes you wear to define yourself. It /is/ sad, but humans are visual creatures so...we do judge with our eyes and the first impression is the most important. Perhaps its unavoidable, but hopefully peopel will use more information than just that.

I think you'll do fine. You sound like an intelligent and observant girl.

IgnoredOne said:

I'm glad you shared your story. There's a lot of wisdom in it and in you; childhood experiences do often last a lifetime and I think it is VERY perceptive of you how you realize how you perpetuate the same things that happened to you. It is interesting how that works, no?

And how much of our lives almost seem to be meant to be lived as a mask, adopting more acceptable guises - quite often, literally, in the clothes you wear to define yourself. It /is/ sad, but humans are visual creatures so...we do judge with our eyes and the first impression is the most important. Perhaps its unavoidable, but hopefully peopel will use more information than just that.

I think you'll do fine. You sound like an intelligent and observant girl.

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thank you for your kind comments. i did realize that i was perpetuating the same things that happen to me....almost instantly, in fact. I guess i would be lying if i said i wasn't aware and only realized that after i reached home and settled and reflected. i knew the moment i walked into the room. i just felt like "should i talk to her? but its kinda weird...." probably people in the past felt that why towards me too. they probably had a grand time talking to others and not having a care in the world about some girl in the corner. the only reason why i'm a little my aware is because i have been the girl in the corner....

and you are right about our "masks" and the clothes we wear. strangely one of the other girls complimented me and said i was pretty. its weird! i'm no different from the so called 'ugly' girl!! you shoulda seen me like 4 years ago...i was crazy looking like her lol. crazy hair...crazy glasses everything!!

With age and wisdom, fashion skill increases

Perception is reality. I think part of you wants to ask "why are people so superficial?" The simple answer is that is that looks are the first thing we see of a person, so that's what will alter everything else we decide about that person.

To her, you probably come off as more confident and definitely more put together, with your friends and to her, a good life. Inwardly, you might not be much different, but to her, you have a lot of what she'll like to have or who she'll like to be.

I won't judge you, but I will say to be careful not to let your emotions be too greatly impacted by how others consider you. You clearly seem to bear at least some of the scars of rejection in the past, and you've done well to find out how to socialize and modify your appearance. Ultimately, though, self-esteem needs to come from yourself, so that even if you do become, for some reason, "that girl" again, there should be a great deal of love for yourself.

Otherwise, your happiness will be decided by how others think of you. Do you really want that? Let others essentially control how happy you are? I mean, part of it is unavoidable, but I imagine you know what I mean.

You know what,I think you're being too hard on yourself. When it comes to past memories we should treasure the good ones and learn from the bad ones,and it seems to me that you really learnt something from them and now you feel better with yourself. It's true that you had to change your appearance and your looks to get there, but I dont think that you've become a shallow person because of that nor sold out any of your principles. I think you just adapted to society, and I accept that.
However, I do think that your attitude towards that girl should change.The same way that You didn't like being ignored and put aside by your fellow collegues, that girl feels the same way. Should she try to adapt to society like you did and improve her social life? Maybe she should, but she might not be aware of that possibility untill someone tells her that it can be done.
Someone that has gone through the same situation that she's going through. Someone,like you.That's why I think you should include her in the group, in order for her to get a taste of what she's missing out and how she can better her social life.

Honestly at first I wasn't going to read all that, tl;dr but after skimming the last few paragraphs I braved the wall of text. It seems like you are still trying to find your true identity, which everyone at your age does.

Your guilty feeling over this other girl sounds like seeing reflection of your former self and it took you back to that. All the emotions you went through, the torment, the teasing, the humiliation, and your current inner/outer self struggle. So you shouldn't feel guilty. It's very difficult to have a reminder of that. You don't have to make friends with this girl or tell her that you used to be like her right now. Just being friendly and striking up small talk with her could really help her and if you do build a friendship with this girl you can tell her about your past. You're out of high school now, you can shed the shackles that "cliques" impose.

As for your friends finding out about your past, could be they went through the same thing. Just because they are beautiful people on the outside now, like you, doesn't mean they didn't have their ugly phase either. It sounds like you've gone through an incredible physical transformation, and if they suddenly shunned you because you used to be "the ugly" girl, then they really truly aren't your friends.

As you venture into University and a whole new aspect of your life, and make new friends you as a person will grow as well. We all learn from our past, trying to hide it or run away from it isn't the way to go. Embrace it.

Hi-
You only lurked here for half a day? lol - I lurked for like a few months before registering.
A lot of us go through "ugly duckling" phases. The attractive people you see out there may have been morbidly obese and incredibly self-conscious only a short time ago. I used to be a schlumpadinka in my teens and 20s but I'm totally different on the outside now and I also gained self-confidence as I got older.
If you see someone sitting off to the side, though, do try to make them feel included. I'm pretty shy myself but I make a concerted effort to bring people who seem to be on the outside into whatever circle I'm in at the moment.

Teresa

"schlumpadinka " is my new vocabulary word for the day.

Reggie Jected said:

"schlumpadinka " is my new vocabulary word for the day.

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I had to Google that lol.

thanks for the advice everyone. i really appreciate it. everyone here must have a high literacy level to mull through this wall of text...

My parents used to tell me its the inside that counts...and I believed it wholeheartedly.

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It's true. Thing is, most people don't learn this until they're adults, and some people seem incapable of learning it.

I know this can be a real struggle....even in adult life-

In high school, I was always made fun of for being gay and for having a port wine stain on my left and right cheek. Having to go in every day and face them already feeling like I was a bad person was the hardest part. The rejection and abandonment my classmates showed toward me was unbelievable, and truly hurt me in many ways. I wanted to stand before them and ask, "What have I ever done to you for you to treat me this way?" If they had gotten to know the "real" me, and not judged me, they might have a different outlook on me. Dealing with this day in and day out, I got to the point where my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I couldn't wait to graduate and not have to be looked down on because of my lifestyle and my looks.

I have more of a struggle NOW with self-esteem and self-image than I did in high school. These fears have transposed into my adult life, and have become so much worse. I go to work and find myself anticipating rejection from other co-workers because of my skin. I go to the grocery store, and sense rejection because my skin isn't the "normal" color of others. To think of dating is beyond scary!!!! I get scared at even the thought of having a boyfriend. I feel as though he would become disinterested in me because of my looks and find someone with better looks, leaving me sitting there yet again reliving my biggest fear-- rejection and abandonment.

I have found that reading self-help books about loving yourself and accepting yourself just the way you are have greatly benefited me.

"To be beautiful means to be yourself." The one that has helped me the most is..."Love yourself and accept yourself for all that you are, and for all that you are not. You are enough- you are worthy- you are AMAZING!!"

Hope this helps!

I am 16 so I am still technically 'growing up' and i used to be a total reject until i got the courage to randomly become friends with someone and then i built up my confidence from there. some people judge me by my cover (metaphor thing) but inside i'm an epic waiting to be discovered and have the movie made. i know have a pretty big group of friends. all dudes that some think i'm gay for some reason. i have a story about that that cost me one of my gay friends who liked me a few years ago but i digress.

Hey, I saw this post and I had to comment. I'm new to the forum too. In fact, I've never posted on a forum ever before until today because I was bored and alone in my apartment. I feel like I have dealt with somewhat similar circumstances, except I'm a guy. 2 sides of the same coin I guess, I'll let you decide. WARNING: Lenghtly Rant Ahead.

Ever since I was a little kid, I had very low self esteem too. I spent nearly my entire life from kindergarten through high school in a school whose senior graduating class consisted of 36 people. yes, 36. I had always been one of those kids that did things differently from everyone else. I didn't dress the same, and I wasn't able to keep up with all the fads the other kids went through because of my parent's finances. No one wanted to hang out with me, and everyone in school made fun of me (even the crippled kids, which pretty much made me hate my life) I always ended up chillin and playing with some rocks or legos by myself all the time. I looked for help from my parents but they were both at work all the time, so I hardly ever got to talk to them. I blamed myself for all the things that people didn't like me for, but I learned to keep it inside because I knew no one would listen to me anyways. I also went for long periods without talking. I figured if I said anything, it would just be stupid and people would think I was a retard and make fun of me. I avoided talking to anyone at all costs. Most of my childhood I spent trying to escape this pain, alone. This is where it all started, and from here it gets more complicated.

As a side note, I did have a couple of friends in 4th through 6th grade, but they were also people that nobody else liked. I also played on a little league soccer team, but I was by far the worst kid on the team and nobody really wanted me there either. I left the team at 10, and in junior high I started trying get accepted by the people in my school. I tried changing the way I dressed and tried to get with fads to please the other kids, to no avail. I did everything. Grew my hair out, cut it short, wore baggy jeans, skinny jeans, started trying to take care of my acne and skin in general, got different shoes, grew out my facial hair, joined the football team (I was 5 foot 6, 115 pounds at the time, so THAT was an experience). It didn't matter, everyone thought I was still wierd. I know it's not the same as a girls world where everything is about status, but don't worry there's a point I'm getting to. When I talked to people, they always looked at me strangely, and I had no idea why. No one would tell me why either, so it only made it worse. I hated that everything I did only got me humiliated further, but I just sat back and let it happen.

There is another thing that I hate admitting, but I have to say it for this entire thing to make sense. Because of my fear of being humiliated, when I actually did talk to people, I would always lie. I lied about anything and everything for no reason at all. I thought that if people knew the truth, they wouldn't like me. This habit caused A LOT of problems for me, but I'll explain that later.

High School. Oh man.
Going into high school, I had adapted a new strategy for coping. Do Nothing. I still wanted acceptance, but instead of trying so hard, I just concerned myself with excaping everything. Eventually, some new cats had come to my school, and I started hanging out with them. But they weren't exactly the type of people your mom wants you to be friends with. It felt great to be a part of a group, I loved it. We always hung out after school and did crazy things. We started racing and drifting one of our cars, shooting guns out in the desert, smoking weed, boozing - whatver we wanted to the point of excess. Without going into too much detail, I've had my fair share of brushes with death. I didn't care at all, though. Anything was better than being treated like a scrub wherever I went. Besides, by that time I was pretty familiar with that feeling of numbness. If I had died, I wouldn't have cared even a little bit.

Our little club or whatever disbanded, and I started becoming extremely depressed. I can't even tell you how many times I seriously considered driving my car into the oncoming freeway lane. Everything was going wrong for me. It seemed like no matter what I did, I would percieve it as failure. I realized how much I really hated myself and every little thing about me. I was in a spiral of negative emotions. I mean I listened to depressing music just to feel self-pity. I was that kid you would see in the corner that wouldn't ever talk or crack a smile. I was way to afraid to speak up in any situation unless people went out of their way to talk to me. It didn't matter to me that I had great SAT scores or earned full-paid scholarships to college or had learned to solve a rubik's cube in 22 seconds. To me, those were just things that made me look like more of a loser.

The thing was, the people in my school, in my junior and senior year, had started easing up towards me. They started judging me less and I actually started being talked to (to an extent). But I was in a depressed state and I didn't realize this. In a way, I didn't even care about my relationships anymore. My lying habit was more prominent than ever. On the rare occasion that others did to try to reach me, I pushed them away in one way or another. It was at this point that I was at my lowest, where I thought about suicide all the time. I graduated and everyone pretty much gave up on me. But there was one guy that went out of his way to try to understand me, wanted to actually be my friend even though he might not have been cool with everybody else. We became really good friends, and I started opening up. He's still the best friend I have as of now.

I'm at Arizona State University now. From a class of 36 to the university with the second largest student body (79,000) in America... Needless to say, the transition was insane, if not a ridiculous learning experience. I've learned how the world works, but it wasn't easy. I had to start from the ground up with everything. I started studying Psychology and actually talking to people from all over, and everything started becoming amazingly clear. I've had to come to terms with a lot of harsh realities, but I'm a better person for them. I realized that everyone I knew was completely aware that I was bulls%*tting them. I realized that the real reasons I was being rejected wasn't because of the way I looked, but because of the way I acted. I was quiet and let everyone step on me. When I tried to make friends, I was way too clingy and it was obvious I was anxious and afraid - not something people are drawn to. I realized that if I had just spoken my actual opinions instead of lying, I could have made a lot of valuable friends. If I had just been comfortable with myself, I wouldn't have been so ridiculously miserable. Confidence is sexy on everyone; and if you can be comfortable with who you are, people will respect you for it, even look up to you. Looks should be second to confidence, not the other way around. But I digress, maybe all the girls you knew before were complete drama queen/ruthless girls. But from all the experience I have, when you actually talk to these people, they have just as many insecurities as you do. They just put up walls and act bitchy as a defense. If you look really hard, you will find truly sincere people. Contrary to popular belief, they do exist. I know.

Also, I definitely think you should take your past into consideration when trying to get acceptance. You were in that girl's position once and you know how it feels to be excluded. Plus, you never know what kind of person exists under that skin. There's a whole world inside of each person, there really is. I'm not saying you should feel so guilty about it, but I think the next time you get a chance to, try talking to that person that's been left out. If you're friends don't like you for it, then you probably shouldn't be their friend. I know that's easier said than done especially since you worked so hard for that acceptance in the first place. But if you have the ability to be friends with anybody and everybody, then it's THOSE girls that should be seeking acceptance from YOU. When you're 80 years old, is it really gonna matter who's the "best dressed?" If my best friend hadn't taken the the time to get to know me there's a very large possibility that I might have killed myself, and I appreciate him immensely for it (although I probably won't ever tell him that). The point is that these girls have nothing of substance to offer you if they're gonna be superficial. Nobody can run away from their humanity forever. If you embrace yourself with all your faults, you are free in so many ways they are not. And I can tell you, it feels amazing.

Go with the crowd, be recieved. Go against it, be remembered.

Category120 , thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one in this world who feels this way. I really appreciate it, and I read every single word of your 'rant'! I think if I read it a few months ago, when I first posted, I would have cried. But thanks to everyone's kindness on this forum, I'm much better now. I have started a new phase of my life, went to university and made many friends in the process. Life has been very fulfilling recently, and best of all, I'm being accepted for who I am! Even if I'm a little awkward and still get extremely nervous/anxious around new people (and even friends), people are much more matured now (most of em') and tend to be more accepting. Oh yea, I totally understand what you mean by lying for no reason. I do that all the time. Sometimes I still do, because I want people to think I have an interesting life. I tell my friends "I went out yesterday to a pub with my other friends" because I want to seem like I have a life and have other friends when in actuality I don't. Guess I'm still afraid of being seen as a loser, and I need to work on accepting myself more. The journey has been a rocky road....for both you and me. I'm quite touched by your story....sometimes I tell myself "this is just part and process of growing up" ))) Thanks for your post!!!

There is a method of understanding here what has happened to you. I have been walking around for years in a good mind of my own a little different to others that are or seem to be on top of time. i guess i have drifted bewteen consiousness and not but still been awake and knowing what I have and being doing. As I grew older I always wanted to travel above the lines of world travel but on top of things just to make sure that all my views and personal reflections on other nationalites wasn#t or isnt used for the world of want to make the less out of touch people feel addicted. I have traveled around the world and met some wonderful people and best ones had for example a business, but it went in to liquidation, so they lost there livelyhood. These people are mostly the ones that don't give a ****, they have lost what they earnt and then it's gone. I have names but a clue here is philosophy and the undersatnding of perhaps what was out there in the lines of business in the first place. some businesses can be handed over for many years and others collapse after a sort period.

I'm glad i nver had a business to hold up hopes and lost the lot. I knew that i was to be the person that also nver gave a toss from the day I was born, I guess I was aware, attracted to more aware and then shared that awareness out to friends so they to didn't give a toss about loosing something that was materlistic in the first place.

I had a similar experience which I won't dwell over. You will get over your past, you'll forgive all the people who done you wrong and you will come to realise that those people were at fault - not you. You have friends now and if you're enjoying your life, you will forget about your past eventually. There's nothing wrong with redesigning your life to improve yourself, if it makes your life so much easier, I have done it too. Because lets face it, we do live in a superficial world. But even if you think this is superficial, there is still the real you inside. If it makes you confident, you should do it (loads of girls put make up for that reason etc). I don't think it should be something you should feel bad about. If you think all that look is not for you, then don't do it or keep it at a minimum. To be honest I used to be a nerdy girl with no sense of fashion. But now fashion seem to have become part of my life, however I'm still the nerdy girl inside if you get me? Anyway I think it's a good start for caring about that girl you mentioned at work too, next time you should try talking to her regardless of what other people think, I'm sure she felt lonely, but be that kind of girl that's there for everyone. I know the best people can become anyone's friends It takes time, but you will build your self-esteem slowly, you got this far now so I'm sure you'll get there.