aspeckofdust
Well-known member
And I find it to be truly peculiar that I don't really have any friends of my own (non-family friends) in real life.
I've been doing volunteer work this week and I've met a few people there that I've hit it off with. The volunteer work ends tomorrow though and I know I probably won't see any of those few ever again. Part of me wants to ask them for their e-mail addresses or something so we can keep in contact with each other and a bigger part of me says "why bother?".
I realize it's very pessimistic of me to even say this, but I can't help thinking that even if they do give me a way to contact them after tomorrow, it won't change anything in my life. Maybe I would talk to them a few times through e-mails, IMs, Facebook, or even on the phone, but I don't think it'd ever lead to meeting up and hanging out or anything like that.
I hate that I'm being like this at all and I really hope that tomorrow, I'll ask at least ONE of them for some kind of contact info. I don't expect it to happen though. I know myself too well. And then tomorrow afternoon, when the volunteer work's over, I'll hate myself just a little more.
What's really sad though, is that I'm slowly starting to realize that my lack of friends is ENTIRELY my fault. I think I've proven to myself that I'm capable of socializing, but it's never anything that extends past a single event, all because I let people slip away out of fear.
I'm a moron and I don't know how to change it. I don't care if suicide is selfish (well, I do care, because I partially agree, I just hate how people say that). I just want to die so badly sometimes, to end this personal torment of mine, and now would be one of those times. Don't worry, I won't actually be killing myself. I'm sure I'd find a way to screw that up too anyway.
I've been doing volunteer work this week and I've met a few people there that I've hit it off with. The volunteer work ends tomorrow though and I know I probably won't see any of those few ever again. Part of me wants to ask them for their e-mail addresses or something so we can keep in contact with each other and a bigger part of me says "why bother?".
I realize it's very pessimistic of me to even say this, but I can't help thinking that even if they do give me a way to contact them after tomorrow, it won't change anything in my life. Maybe I would talk to them a few times through e-mails, IMs, Facebook, or even on the phone, but I don't think it'd ever lead to meeting up and hanging out or anything like that.
I hate that I'm being like this at all and I really hope that tomorrow, I'll ask at least ONE of them for some kind of contact info. I don't expect it to happen though. I know myself too well. And then tomorrow afternoon, when the volunteer work's over, I'll hate myself just a little more.
What's really sad though, is that I'm slowly starting to realize that my lack of friends is ENTIRELY my fault. I think I've proven to myself that I'm capable of socializing, but it's never anything that extends past a single event, all because I let people slip away out of fear.
I'm a moron and I don't know how to change it. I don't care if suicide is selfish (well, I do care, because I partially agree, I just hate how people say that). I just want to die so badly sometimes, to end this personal torment of mine, and now would be one of those times. Don't worry, I won't actually be killing myself. I'm sure I'd find a way to screw that up too anyway.