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knowbuddy

Active member
Joined
Jun 15, 2011
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Location
Toronto
Warning VERY long post. I'm grateful such a forum exists and for the interaction with members. The site's title alone is a stark reminder of the choices I made that brought me here. I have a therapist but I often feel that I overwhelm her cause there's just so many things wrong with me. I have no social outlet and no friends. I'm scared about trying to make new friends as everyone I meet ends up using me. I guess I just want genuine attention and to belong but I constantly face rejection. I'm putting my past on blast publically. If anyone wants to talk, PM me.
· I was a twin born more than 3 months premature, due to birth problems and severe chronic allergies I am a mouth breather. Three surgeries, orthodontics, allergy medication and tooth removal didn't help. Allergy medication and slight abatement of my symptoms have only happened within the last 3 months.
· Mentally I have ADHD, dyscalculia and congenital brain atrophy so I have the memory of an elderly person, I have a high I.Q., I'm a news junkie and I love to learn but my memory skills negate all of that.
· I've had eczema my whole life leaving me with scars and uneven tone from head to toe.
· My father suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and either was off impregnating scores of women, ignoring my mum, brother and me or verbally abusing us. He in incapable of love and never wanted children even though at last count he has 14 children - only 2 with his wife, my mother.
· Whilst my mum was going to school and my dad had messed off, from the time I was born until I started school my mother left me with a nanny and I'd only come home on weekends. Whilst at the nanny's I would be left in a room all day and night alone with nothing to do, no toys, books, just a TV tuned to horse racing and God forbid you change the channel.
· Later I was dumped with 2 twin stepsisters for hours who couldn't stand me as there was ten years between us, but then they ran away.
· I have 1 younger brother whom I love to death who has autistic tendencies who I was primarily responsible for as we were left alone the majority of the time until he was put in a group home.
· I've been working since I was 13 and helping my parents out financially since then to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. My dad frittered it all away on his other women, his other children's education, their houses back home and bills, I was unaware where the money was really going for many, many years. I'm still helping my mother out financially even though it's to my detriment and neither parent is appreciative or grateful. Both parents only see me as a source of financial income and nothing else. We have never, ever been close because they just messed off on parenting.
· I am sure my mum has ADHD as well but she doesn't believe it exists.
· I've been to 5 different elementary schools in two different countries and we moved nine times by the time I was 17.
· I was bullied for years in elementary and then in high school by my best frenemy and other students
· I've also moved many, many times over the years either because of school, being flooded out twice, dangerous situations or people ripping me off. I'm incredibly stressed because in all likelihood I'll have to move for the third time this year which I don't wanna do.
· I've been a chronic workaholic my whole life, often working multiple jobs at once. I haven't travelled since I was 16 and although I love flying and meeting new people I never take vacations. When I am forced to take time of work I either end up doing OT or doing errands and then that's only for a few days at the most.
· I have gone to college 5 times and have a diploma and two certificates I paid for every cent myself
· I have an excellent job unrelated to my education but I feel compelled to work 80+ hours per week
· I've won awards and certificates at many jobs but I often feel I don't deserve them
· I grew up in a very sexualized environment filled with a lot of pornography and although I don't honestly think anything happened there were many visits with 2 different people/families who were members of the Family Cult (Children of God).
· I was molested by an elementary school teacher when I was 12 or so.
· My first sexual experience at 16 involved hitchhiking and fellatio with a much older man.
· I was gang raped by 2 men in my 20's when they busted the door of the room I was renting.
· I was raped again 3 years ago by an acquaintance. Both rapes were never reported.
· I did phone sex part time from home and at a call centre for three years.
· A few years later I became a prostitute and did that on and off for three years. One night a john beat me, forced me to perform oral, ripped me off and dumped me on a farm in the middle of nowhere at night with no way to get home and no money.
· I have posed nude twice for artists for sculptures
· My relationships with men outside of hooking have never been good as I always end up being used. I don't like intimacy at all although I crave it I just can't deal with it.
· I've been with someone on a FWB basis for 4.5 years. He is verbally abusive, treats me very poorly and is rough to the point of pain - which I hate. I love him very much but he doesn't and I keep coming back to him I wish I didn't.
· I have PCOS and a fibroid that haven't responded to treatment or surgery. As a result I cannot conceive, I'm heavy and suffer from all the other crap that goes along with it.
· I much prefer to do things for others and I'm not comfortable doing things for myself as I feel incredibly guilty. I'm getting better at treating myself well and buying myself nice things but the majority of the time the things never end up being used.
· I'm in debt right now and have made a significant impact in reducing it and hope to be debt free by year's end.
· Due to the ADHD I am impulsive and although I'm a great cook and have worked in many restaurants I buy almost every meal. When I do cook for myself my first thought is who can I give this to as I don't want to eat it, or I take a few bites and don't want anymore. However if it's something I've bought I'll overeat.
· I yearn to get married and have a family of my own whether it be through conceiving or adoption but due to my issues I have little faith in that ever happening


 
I'd love to talk, but I don't know what to say. There's nothing I can say to give you strength that you don't already possess or a strength you're not able to conjure on your own. You've shown that in how you're coping with the hardships of your past and moving forward. I salute you. And anything I'd have to say about what I'm dealing with is just petty in comparison.

If you've got a random subject (like videogames or photography :D ) you'd like to discuss, then please PM me!
 
DevinSutherland said:
knowbuddy read a book... talking is honeysuckle--mental masturbation.

I'm actually a voracious reader of many genres. I have read many self help books but I personally find I gain a deeper understanding and relate
better by talking with someone. Just sayin'

jjam said:
I'd love to talk, but I don't know what to say. There's nothing I can say to give you strength that you don't already possess or a strength you're not able to conjure on your own. You've shown that in how you're coping with the hardships of your past and moving forward. I salute you. And anything I'd have to say about what I'm dealing with is just petty in comparison.

If you've got a random subject (like videogames or photography :D ) you'd like to discuss, then please PM me!

Thank you very much for your kind words jjam. I don't think I'm strong actually - I just forge ahead because others count on me. I wish I were strong in so many ways then I could extricate myself from this masochistic toxic crap. But I'm a work in progress so we shall see. I shall PM you, cheers.

LucieMay said:
Gosh. Any response seems so trite.

I don't consider responses trite, sometimes the simplest message can resonate and be the catalyst for change.:shy:
 
Forgive what may seem like the condescending attitude, but if you want to meet people, write a movei about yourself. You will meet more people than you ever thought possible.
 
First- I know I dont know you, but I would hug you and I dont mean to invade your personal space , so here in the online hug :)

That is good that you are seeing a therapist . That is also good you are talking about your past and how you feel today. None of those things that happened are your fault.

I can see why you would suffer from low self esteem and why you throw yourself into your job. 80 hours a week keeps you from focusing on the bad stuff, the pain and memories.

I beilve that when we have health issues alot of it can be fixed thru natural methods like diet change, herbs,cutting out toxic people in our lives, and being selective in what we take in to our brain via television, books,magazines etc.

I didnt see how old you are but it is never to late to start healing and it sounds like you want to now. The fact that you have stated " I hate this, I dont like that "etc about a current relationship is excellent and a real begining for change.

Especially since he is abusive.

I cannot stress enough about how what we eat effects us, our moods . Depression anxiety etc. I used to be a model , but moved somewhere I hated and got depressed then gained alot of weight. The last 3 years I have been taking it off slowly and feel alot better and am almost down to my target weight. I also go to a holistic dr.

PM me if you like and we can talk.
 
I just want to put my arms around you pad you on the back...... I am truly sorry about what happened to you and only wish I can help you out
 
Firstly, thank you very much for your touching support I am truly grateful. I'm working hard on being less emotionally numb so I was happy that I began tearing up when I read certain responses.

Updates:
The FWB guy I am seeing is out of my life. It took me a long time to accept that my subservience to my parents have set up a pattern of that same behaviour with him that's why I crave the way awful way he treats me. I treat his **** like a pacifier. I feel incredibly sad and guilty that I'm abandoning my "master" after all these years as I don't return his calls and I've blocked him through email but I deserve better.

My dad's cancer has returned and it's metastasized to his spine so it's terminal. Although he insists on keeping my mum and I in the dark about it I just have to accept that's the way he'll always be. It's truly sad that I barely know anything about him because he's so secretive and that his toxic behaviours have increased. My mum also has serious health concerns as she has a tumour and severe chronic facial pain so it's incredibly stressful.

My mum hastily bought a condo 2 years ago and asked me to co-sign so that my dad couldn't take it in a divorce. Unfortunately she lied to me about some details so I found out that he would still be able to gain the property. She rented it out for two years however the previous tenants caused a fire and didn't clean the place in two years. On top of that the previous owners jacked up the place so it needs extensive renovations. I moved in here 3 months ago as a favour however my mum doesn't want to pay for a reno nor does she want me to pay for one. I'm finally getting out of this money pit. My mum wants me to sell her half to me but I have found the strength to say no. I can't keep bailing people out financially so I'm in the process of removing my name from this property if she won't agree to sell.

I'm accounting for all my hours of OT (sometimes I didn't) now and have cut back so I now leave work when it's still light outside. I don't want to die at work like that poor cubicle worker who wasn't discovered for two days!

I just spent a ****load of money on some new clothes and shoes using some OT money. I may be fat but there's no reason I can't look fabulous!

I'm no longer on any medication for my ADHD (the meds have an anorectic effect). I have started vaping a small amount of 420 daily so my mind doesn't race as much and I'm not trying to do too many things at once. I am investigating other natural remedies as I want something that won't damage my brain cells.

Through therapy I am better able to listen to my body and not overeat past the point of fullness.

I'm really trying not to multitask so much so that I'm so overwhelmed. Right now I'm in the middle of packing, cleaning, organizing, trying to work to help pay off debt without working too much and helping out my sick parents and trying to spend time with my brother. I haven't had cable TV in 3.5 years and I rarely watch movies even though I love them. I want to relax and take time to enjoy things and have a social life but I feel so guilty about it and there's always some chore, errand, or responsibility that I have to take care of.
 

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