To never have loved or been loved

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cumulus.james

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I can pinpoint all my problems down to two things. 1) no one has ever loved me and more importantly 2) I have never had anyone to love.

I live in a remote and sparsely populated village in southern England. But I just happened to glance out of my window and see two teenagers in love holding hands, laughing and as they got near their door they kissed.

I’ve never experienced that. I’m now an ugly 30 yr old so I never will. I don’t believe in suicide and I don’t usually want to die. But I can not see much point in my life right now. I missed out on everything good about life. My earliest memory was of wondering alone by the river and FEELING alone at 7 yrs old. And pretty much every experience I have had since is the same.

Before I saw the lovers I went to the shop to get beer to poison myself to sleep with. I saw young vibrant people “hanging out” and getting their beer to socialise with.

I’m not a thick person. If there were a way I would ever not be a loner I would have found it. People do try to give me advice on forums such as this but it is wasted. I have no family - that cant be altered. I can not make friends that is a proven fact. And I am so ugly that I had full body nude pics on a seedy cruising website profile for 3 years and never got a single message.

There’s not a **** thing I can ever do I will always be this loser sat alone. Yet I try to advise people on here. I feel confinement I am giving good advice. But who am I to advisee anyone?

My hands look young. I look a my hands and they look like they could be the hands of an 18 yr old. But inside I feel about 99 years old. Like it is all over. Nothing left to do but exist and wait for the end.

I was born so alone. Grew up so alone and now exist outside of reality. I am that “thing” people see me but never notice me. Kinda like that Tears for fears song “look right through me”. That’s how my entire life has been people looking right through me.

I accept I am and always will be alone. But I don’t not accept there is not a way to live a happy life on your own. There must be some way to find a happy peaceful existence without people? There must be some use I can be on this earth? I wish I could help people. That would be something.
 
cumulus.james said:
I accept I am and always will be alone. But I don’t not accept there is not a way to live a happy life on your own. There must be some way to find a happy peaceful existence without people? There must be some use I can be on this earth? I wish I could help people. That would be something.

Hi-
Some of your posts have rubbed me the wrong way but this shows you're not so bad. My signature below is my philosophy on life. I can't tell you that you won't always be lonely because I don't know that and neither do you. Is there anywhere you can volunteer and help those less fortunate than you? Try it. I know you said you live in a sparsely populated area but you can make it happen. Getting started is the hardest part but once you find something you enjoy, you might find more meaning in your life. I've volunteered in an adult literacy program, gardening at the Historic City Cemetery in my city, with adults with mental disorders and mentored a child in foster care. I tried to volunteer to be an ombudsman for the elderly and to hold premature babies at the hospital but can't commit enough time on top of my full time job.
Try something different than what you've been doing and you might feel better about yourself.

Teresa
 
QUOTE: "accept I am and always will be alone. But I don’t not accept there is not a way to live a happy life on your own. There must be some way to find a happy peaceful existence without people? There must be some use I can be on this earth? I wish I could help people. That would be something."

Good news or bad news first?

Bad news. You are correct--we're all born alone, live alone, and die alone.

Good news is, you can still be happy sometimes, this happiness comes from your meaning. The meaning which you live for. You have obviously not found one. And that's sad, but not unusual.

As far as your romantic problems... it may or may not work out. I suggest though building bonds with women and not posting baseless sexual pictures on websites... you're much better off in a chat room or in a supermarket.. etc.
 
It's good that you acknowledge your loneliness. You don't have to feel bad though. We're all alone. The key is to live with it and control it. You know, the people you saw may be alone as you are. We all put a mask in our daily lives, but at least 50% of the people are truly unhappy. Otherwise how can you explain that mothers of 3 with a loving husband and a beautiful home experience loneliness? You say you're ugly, but even it's that true it doesn't mean that you won't find somebody. If you truly despise your loneliness and want it to stop - get out of the house and do something about it. Everybody do this in that situation, because drinking yourself to sleep in self pity won't accomplish anything. And believe me - we're all ugly and we're all self concious. Don't think on it too much.
 
Most of all, don't worry about previous wasted years. 30 is the new 20 these days and you're just getting started.

(I gotta tell myself that because I'm 28 now, lol)
 
ya know... I think I'm ugly too and I'm 30 as well, so I guess I'm screwed.

Although, ask others how they perceive me and you'll get a different answer.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Yeah, it may be corny and laughable, but it's true. Seriously, stop making excuses for the way your life is. Could it be that the reason you haven't found love is because you won't let yourself? Don't give me that bullshit about being too ugly or too old or whatever, cuz I know that ain't true, those are lame excuses.
 
I think the reason why you are not happy alone is because you see yourself as ugly and unlovable. The Main thing being you are unlovable. What you need to do is start loving yourself. Love who you are and you might want to be alone.

Here are reasons why I enjoy being alone
  • I am master of my time. I decide what happens in my life
  • The only opinion that matters is mine.
  • I can spend more on myself
  • :D I do not have to worry about wearing.... Well anything around my place
  • Best of all I become stronger.
^_^ The alone life brings all of these. They make being alone so much more appealing.

Most importantly, you have to choose to be alone. You are just saying you want to be alone. That is different from actually wanting to be alone. After all, you can say anything. That doesn't make those facts true.
 
LucieMay said:
I thought you had a sister and a niece?

I am not close with my sister - trust me she certainly does not love me! As for my niece she is 6 months old so you cant really count that.

I have never felt loved as a member of a family. But never feeling loved as a person in my own right by friendships or lovers is what gets me so down .

AFrozenSoul said:
I think the reason why you are not happy alone is because you see yourself as ugly and unlovable. The Main thing being you are unlovable. What you need to do is start loving yourself. Love who you are and you might want to be alone.

I am ugly and unloveable lol.
 

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