Strange Desperation...

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T

That Guy

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You know, I'm finding myself in this weird situation when it comes to relating to people and I was wondering if anyone was dealing with the same issues.

My childhood was pretty messed up. My parents didn't give me affection and I had few to no friends growing up. Those that got close to me typically roughed me up emotionally and psychologically. My entire childhood and adolescence were devoid of close emotional contact. I was never able to really connect to people and I could never understand why. It seemed every time I got close to someone I got hurt. It seems I managed over time to just shield myself from it and stop expressing myself in any deep way. Being alone was the only way to be "safe".

When I went to college I met my first girlfriend who I fell for pretty hard. The relationship went on for years but it was strained from the beginning. I didn't know it then, but after all the emotional abuse and neglect I had received I found it almost impossible to open up to my girl. Unknowingly I treated my g/f exactly like I was treated: harsh and neglectfully. I cared about her greatly, more than anyone in my life, but every time my g/f tried to open me up I would hide myself or lash out at her. I never learned to deal with my emotions and my g/f suffered for that. My problems with this eventually led me to break up with her b/c I thought the strain we felt was her fault. I only came to realize how badly I treated her and how much emotional baggage I was carrying years later. I wrote to my ex recently (3 years after our break) to ask about how she was. She has been dating a lot of people and is happily in another relationship. She was fairly reluctant to speak to me at first, but we eventually started talking about things that went down between us. At one point she said that I wanted her to make up for the love that my parents never gave me, which she attempted to do..."foolishly". I knew that was true. It kills me because I see now that my emotional issues and insecurities deeply hurt the only person I have ever came to be close to.

After hearing that I realized a lot about the way I have related to other people. My ex realized this when we were together, saying I kept trying to be "best friends with everyone", either loving them or hating them, always pushing those I hate away. Every time I try to make new friends I seem to smother people. I always be very honest and open with them. I tell them about my life and try to get real close really quick. Most of the time this just sets me up for criticism or hurt. I've noticed that all of my life I've been struggling for someone to fill the void in me, someone to relate all of my problems to and get close to. Growing up in an all-boys school taught me to keep stuffing away all the desires for emotion and closeness, but I desperately desire to unload my life on someone, anyone.

So this is the situation I see myself in: I can't seem to get anyone to "care" about me. No one loves me. If I died tomorrow no one would care all that much. Sure, some people would cry for a few days, say it was a shame, but they'd move on. I am not the center of anyone's world and no one is "there" for me. I'm always that "other" guy, the "fifth wheel", the "tag-along", the "side-kick". I don't talk to my parents (for obvious reasons), I don't have many friends or relatives, and those that I do have are fairly distant from me. I live alone. So all-in-all I feel so trapped, like I'm destined to never be able to let my weight down, traveling from person to person desperately hoping to unload, when all that does is scare people away or piss them off. I hate myself sometimes for being so **** revealing to people. I wish I could clam up about my life. But being around people and talking to them about my frustrations and inner thoughts makes me feel so relieved.

I'm just so worried about hurting another good girlfriend with all of this.

It's such a strange frustration...

I hope someone understands all this and can relate because it is difficult for me to even explain it...
 
wow...I'm not sure if I can completely relate, but I think that I can relate to some of it.
I have an ex-boyfriend who went to an all boys school as well, it was a boarding school which he went to since his ten years old. oKay he is different to you..geez I can't even explain this well...

But he was pretty closed during our relationship (and I told him this once or twice, but he never admitted it... till after, umm okay I really can't get into this story on this forum (sorry))'

I can say, that knowing what it's like to be hurt..I also have fears that I could hurt someone without even intending it. Thing is though, it's part of life..you may very well hurt the next girl who you are with, but then again you may do the very opposite..lol you might save her from her 'strange desperation'...and fullfil her life

What you said about 'being alone being the only way to be safe' yea that I understand.
For me sometimes it can be (relationship-wise) like being caught between a rock and a hard stone. Yea, I'm lonely I want someone..but being alone is so safe(no getting hurt, no one to hurt), and you have your freedom.

It's hard to open up to people, and to really let yourself love someone, when you've been hurt a lot, or taught that letting your emotions get to a certain point for anyone is weakness. Or maybe it's just hard to find someone to open-up to (in my case).

I know with him (my ex)..he said he loved me..and it seems that he did. But it often felt as though we were so disconnected because..yea I'm his girlfriend but he had this way that he could shut me out..live his life with me being just a part ...caged in a corner ..allowed to get no further.

It's good that you can talk to people about your life though...and that it helps

okay so to answer your question..I can't relate fully, but it felt like I could have related to parts of it ...
 
I can relate alot! I too open up to people and share my feelings. I too deperately want to be cared about and thought of by someone. The problem is we are so needy for this love that we overwhelm whoever we are with. It really is a tough situation. I am going through much pain right now over a similar situation. My thoughts are to became a more well rounded person, to have my own interests. Funny thing is I have smothered who ever i was with over and over again and the same results always happen...... it sucks
 

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