How to communicate with shy guys?

I'm 24 and a single female. I've always been attracted to nice, shy guys for some reason. I'm usually pretty confident in myself but I get very insecure trying to talk to guys who are even more shy than myself. I very rarely approach guys but on the abnormal situation that I do, I can never tell if I'm annoying them, bothering them, or if they actually have interest. Usually I wait for them to text me or call me or IM me online. I figure that if they make the first communication move obviously they don't hate me, but then our conversations just become awkward.

I've tried talking about video games, sci-fi, reading, movies, sports, anything really. I'm assuming some of you guys are pretty shy so is there a subject I should try instead? Or is there a way for me to know that I'm not boring or smothering the guys I try talking to?

Any suggestions would be very helpful because I'm kind of stuck. Thanks

for me it helps if the girl cant shut up.
i never know what to say so as long as she is talking were doing fine.

just assuming they are interested might get you a bit further than waiting for a sign from them.
you could be waiting a loooooong time.
unless the signs are pretty obviouse.

the shy ones are probebly a little insecure aswell.
so vagely hinting and flirting might not come acros.
telling em carefully that your interested will make things a lot clearer for both of you.
if your afraid your boring someone (which i dont think is likely) just ask em.

but than again .. what do i know
i know how to make people uncomfortable by being shy and quiet.
im good at that

Well I will approach this from my own perspective because I am a very shy guy who is in the same age group as you. I very very rarely have girls wanting to speak to me and logically the main reason must be my crippling shyness because I think I can safely say im a nice guy, open-minded and have alot of interests, I also play the guitar quite well, am in a few bands, transpose and compose music and such and have alot of friends too. Also I do even enjoy having deep conversation's with people but despite all this, getting past the first hurdle can take some time because of the shyness.

Personally I would like it if a girl came up and spoke to me whether it was just small talk or not. Talking about the things you mentioned are fine and personally I would welcome any girl who wanted to talk. Ask questions about stuff like what their interests are because then it is something they know about and would probably be less hesitant to speak about it... it would help to make the guy feel more comfortable and talk about other subjects. I doubt you are doing anything wrong as I actually do think most shy guy's would welcome anyone who wanted to talk to them... they just might not be good conversationalists at first.

It can take a while for some shy people to break out of their shell and feel confident with people so just keep that in mind. Also if a guy isnt contributing much to a conversation it doesnt mean that they dont enjoy your company because most of the time im sure they would, its just that at first they find it harder than people who are not shy.

Also if they are anything like me and they have pretty much no relationship experience, they probably wont have a clue if a girl is showing interest. Infact I would love it if a girl asked me if I wanted to hang out because she was interested but I doubt that would ever happen. I think alot of shy guys have this kind of complex where they would never ever assume that a girl is interested in them, not that they could even tell if the girl was interested anyway lol. Sometimes even brutal honesty is the best way forward because alot of shy guys would never make a move purely out of their inexperience or maybe because they might even be love-shy.

if a girl started talking to me about video games, sci-fi and movies.... id be ecstatic. i think a lot of shy guys are probably the geeky/nerdy type that would be into that kind of stuff, but not all of them.

I like it when a girl is comfortable enough with me to just sit in silence sometimes. Although it's probably not the best thing to do when first meeting someone.
I think the best thing to do is to just talk about some of the things you like and read his body language to see if he responds to certain things. If they're like me though, they'll just be happy to listen to you speak enthusiastically about the things you enjoy.

I'd say it depends on the person , you have to think that behind that shyness is a personality. For me I would like just once for a girl to start the conversation and ask questions but it happens rarely . I'm the type of person who doesn't start the discussions and allot of time I just like to watch people talking to each other.
If I'm to give an advice then I'd say try to have a more relaxed and comfortable vibe when around them , if they see that you are yourself and don't expect them to do the next move the shyness will start to disappear.
Another thing would be to try and start the conversations with more simple stuff like : what have they been doing , how do they feel just plain and simple stuff and work your way up from there.
Maybe the ones you have an interest in are the type that open harder to people . I mean I have people with whom from day 1 I talk to them like they've been life long friends and to other who I know for more than 8 years even now its hard to talk and open up to them.

Well I'm a shy guy, and I know what you're talking about. When I start talking to a girl; a thing for me like you mention yourself, is that sometimes it's hard to tell if she's actually properly interested in me. Some girls are just so hard to read. So, unsure if she likes me I typically won't go any further, no matter how much I like her (and I kick myself for wussing out). Also, never think that you're annoying or bothering a guy, unless you're really really outrageously irritating.

So yeah, if you like someone make it obvious. I guess that's all I can suggest really, if you met me I'd want you to engage properly first, because I'd be too much of a wuss to...

You have no idea, guys like me can be hopeless when it comes to going after what we want. Countless times I've tried to pump myself up to go after a girl, but every time I chicken out, it's ridiculous.

I think the best thing to do would be to find a common interest when you're in the moment. Sci-fi, sports, movies, etc. are all pretty broad subjects that can be broached more easily after you get to know someone more (not everyone likes the same Sci-fi, sports, movies, etc.). By common interest I mean take a look at the surroundings where you meet a guy like a coffee shop or something and start talking about what kind of coffee you like and strike up some common ground. As you get to know each other more and more, then you find more and more common ground (like laying the foundation for building a house).

That's my warped opinion.

Fitz said:

Well I'm a shy guy, and I know what you're talking about. When I start talking to a girl; a thing for me like you mention yourself, is that sometimes it's hard to tell if she's actually properly interested in me. Some girls are just so hard to read. So, unsure if she likes me I typically won't go any further, no matter how much I like her (and I kick myself for wussing out). Also, never think that you're annoying or bothering a guy, unless you're really really outrageously irritating.

So yeah, if you like someone make it obvious. I guess that's all I can suggest really, if you met me I'd want you to engage properly first, because I'd be too much of a wuss to...

You have no idea, guys like me can be hopeless when it comes to going after what we want. Countless times I've tried to pump myself up to go after a girl, but every time I chicken out, it's ridiculous.

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I know what you mean because that is what I am like. A girl would have to be pretty **** blatant about it for me to realise that she was interested. She could jump on me and start chewing my face off and I still wouldnt assume she was genuinely interested. I mean I know and have known girls who are really nice to me to the point that it is confusing if they like me or are just genuinely a really nice person. I would never act on anything because I feel it wrong of me to assume that they like me in that special way. There is also the fact that I genuinely dont think any girl would actually like me in that way in the first place aswell probably due to the fact I have no experience in the area whatsoever.

It can come off as really fake, though, if you're just 'having an interest' to try to communicate with someone; I remember when someone tried to 'talk about WoW" with me without knowing that I have zero interest in World of Warcrack and immediately assume that every single 'geek' would be into it.

I'd just to just be assertive and play it by ear; ask them about what music they like, and what they like to do. Most people, even shy guys, have a lot to say, just need to be encouraged to do so, and you'll have plenty of information to get to know the person better.

Yeah asking questions is the best thing to do as if you are genuinely interested in the other persons interests and opinions rather than assuming the person is interested in a perticular thing like wow as an example and talking about that one thing. If you are genuinely interested in a person then you would want to get to know them anyway so thats a given.

I kind of figured that talking a lot is a good thing too- I just don't know how to tell the person isn't thinking OMG shut up. I've had guys in the past end up texting me months later asking me why we stopped talking and I had no idea what to say because i just felt I was bothering all the time. I'm really shy at first but once I have one good conversation I never stop- so when talking to someone who says very little it just makes me feel kind of weird.

paulo said:

for me it helps if the girl cant shut up.
i never know what to say so as long as she is talking were doing fine.

just assuming they are interested might get you a bit further than waiting for a sign from them.
you could be waiting a loooooong time.
unless the signs are pretty obviouse.

the shy ones are probebly a little insecure aswell.
so vagely hinting and flirting might not come acros.
telling em carefully that your interested will make things a lot clearer for both of you.
if your afraid your boring someone (which i dont think is likely) just ask em.

but than again .. what do i know
i know how to make people uncomfortable by being shy and quiet.
im good at that

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So if I am blunt and the one to make the first move, will a shy guy have enough guts to tell me if they just aren't interested? I mean I would think someone being shy may have a hard time responding negatively. I just don't want to make guys feel obligated to say yes or show interest in me if they don't have any. Its easy to read outgoing guys because if a guy is outgoing but barely shows any interest its obvious, shy guys are just so much more complicated ha ha.

ShybutHi said:

Well I will approach this from my own perspective because I am a very shy guy who is in the same age group as you. I very very rarely have girls wanting to speak to me and logically the main reason must be my crippling shyness because I think I can safely say im a nice guy, open-minded and have alot of interests, I also play the guitar quite well, am in a few bands, transpose and compose music and such and have alot of friends too. Also I do even enjoy having deep conversation's with people but despite all this, getting past the first hurdle can take some time because of the shyness.

Personally I would like it if a girl came up and spoke to me whether it was just small talk or not. Talking about the things you mentioned are fine and personally I would welcome any girl who wanted to talk. Ask questions about stuff like what their interests are because then it is something they know about and would probably be less hesitant to speak about it... it would help to make the guy feel more comfortable and talk about other subjects. I doubt you are doing anything wrong as I actually do think most shy guy's would welcome anyone who wanted to talk to them... they just might not be good conversationalists at first.

It can take a while for some shy people to break out of their shell and feel confident with people so just keep that in mind. Also if a guy isnt contributing much to a conversation it doesnt mean that they dont enjoy your company because most of the time im sure they would, its just that at first they find it harder than people who are not shy.

Also if they are anything like me and they have pretty much no relationship experience, they probably wont have a clue if a girl is showing interest. Infact I would love it if a girl asked me if I wanted to hang out because she was interested but I doubt that would ever happen. I think alot of shy guys have this kind of complex where they would never ever assume that a girl is interested in them, not that they could even tell if the girl was interested anyway lol. Sometimes even brutal honesty is the best way forward because alot of shy guys would never make a move purely out of their inexperience or maybe because they might even be love-shy.

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Lets talk then because I love talking about all of those things.

I've tried discussing other things too but nothing seems to catch their attention. Just figured maybe I'm missing some big subject that nerdy guys like chatting about. Maybe physics or the stars lol.

edgecrusher said:

if a girl started talking to me about video games, sci-fi and movies.... id be ecstatic. i think a lot of shy guys are probably the geeky/nerdy type that would be into that kind of stuff, but not all of them.

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I guess I just get to the point where I get bored of just talking about me and would really like to learn about the other person. I mean I don't expect the guy to talk as much as me but its just hard having the guy know EVERYTHING about me and then me knowing NOTHING about them.

Empire Empire said:

I like it when a girl is comfortable enough with me to just sit in silence sometimes. Although it's probably not the best thing to do when first meeting someone.
I think the best thing to do is to just talk about some of the things you like and read his body language to see if he responds to certain things. If they're like me though, they'll just be happy to listen to you speak enthusiastically about the things you enjoy.

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Yeah I know what you mean about feeling like some people you can have one conversation with and feel like you have known them FOREVER and then others you have had many conversations with and its still awkward. Sometimes I wonder if when I have a conversation with a shy guy if it doesn't feel right at the beginning, it will probably never be right. Kind of like love at first sight?

Masson said:

I'd say it depends on the person , you have to think that behind that shyness is a personality. For me I would like just once for a girl to start the conversation and ask questions but it happens rarely . I'm the type of person who doesn't start the discussions and allot of time I just like to watch people talking to each other.
If I'm to give an advice then I'd say try to have a more relaxed and comfortable vibe when around them , if they see that you are yourself and don't expect them to do the next move the shyness will start to disappear.
Another thing would be to try and start the conversations with more simple stuff like : what have they been doing , how do they feel just plain and simple stuff and work your way up from there.
Maybe the ones you have an interest in are the type that open harder to people . I mean I have people with whom from day 1 I talk to them like they've been life long friends and to other who I know for more than 8 years even now its hard to talk and open up to them.

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Trust me, lotssss of guys are like you (even guys who aren't shy). Guys are so oblivious to girls showing interest it can be amusing. Numerous times I've told my guy friends "hey that girl is checking you out" or "she is totally into you" and they are always like "no way..." lol. Thats why I guess its hard for a girl to tell if a guy is because guys aren't always as easy to read. I'm not sure when I'm being "really really outrageously irritating..." I just HATE awkward silences so I try to talk a lot to keep up with the silence. And when talking to someone who rarely talks, I do ask lots of questions. I have had a few guys tell me they feel like their on an interview... but honestly after they know everything about me, what else am I supposed to talk about.

Fitz said:

Well I'm a shy guy, and I know what you're talking about. When I start talking to a girl; a thing for me like you mention yourself, is that sometimes it's hard to tell if she's actually properly interested in me. Some girls are just so hard to read. So, unsure if she likes me I typically won't go any further, no matter how much I like her (and I kick myself for wussing out). Also, never think that you're annoying or bothering a guy, unless you're really really outrageously irritating.

So yeah, if you like someone make it obvious. I guess that's all I can suggest really, if you met me I'd want you to engage properly first, because I'd be too much of a wuss to...

You have no idea, guys like me can be hopeless when it comes to going after what we want. Countless times I've tried to pump myself up to go after a girl, but every time I chicken out, it's ridiculous.

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Yeah for sure. Some guys just will be like "Oh I love Star Wars..." but then they don't say anything else... "why do you like star wars? why do you like call of duty? whats your favorite character..." and its all like one word answers. Not "my favorite video game is XXXXX whats yours?" Sometimes I feel like screaming ha ha.

Stride said:

I think the best thing to do would be to find a common interest when you're in the moment. Sci-fi, sports, movies, etc. are all pretty broad subjects that can be broached more easily after you get to know someone more (not everyone likes the same Sci-fi, sports, movies, etc.). By common interest I mean take a look at the surroundings where you meet a guy like a coffee shop or something and start talking about what kind of coffee you like and strike up some common ground. As you get to know each other more and more, then you find more and more common ground (like laying the foundation for building a house).

That's my warped opinion.

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That can be a horrible feeling too- having someone be really nice to you and feel like they could be interested and then being thrown in the friend category. Like if I'm good enough to be your friend, what is wrong with me to be anything more?

ShybutHi said:

Fitz said:

Well I'm a shy guy, and I know what you're talking about. When I start talking to a girl; a thing for me like you mention yourself, is that sometimes it's hard to tell if she's actually properly interested in me. Some girls are just so hard to read. So, unsure if she likes me I typically won't go any further, no matter how much I like her (and I kick myself for wussing out). Also, never think that you're annoying or bothering a guy, unless you're really really outrageously irritating.

So yeah, if you like someone make it obvious. I guess that's all I can suggest really, if you met me I'd want you to engage properly first, because I'd be too much of a wuss to...

You have no idea, guys like me can be hopeless when it comes to going after what we want. Countless times I've tried to pump myself up to go after a girl, but every time I chicken out, it's ridiculous.

Click to expand...

I know what you mean because that is what I am like. A girl would have to be pretty **** blatant about it for me to realise that she was interested. She could jump on me and start chewing my face off and I still wouldnt assume she was genuinely interested. I mean I know and have known girls who are really nice to me to the point that it is confusing if they like me or are just genuinely a really nice person. I would never act on anything because I feel it wrong of me to assume that they like me in that special way. There is also the fact that I genuinely dont think any girl would actually like me in that way in the first place aswell probably due to the fact I have no experience in the area whatsoever.

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labelsorlove3 said:

So if I am blunt and the one to make the first move, will a shy guy have enough guts to tell me if they just aren't interested? I mean I would think someone being shy may have a hard time responding negatively. I just don't want to make guys feel obligated to say yes or show interest in me if they don't have any. Its easy to read outgoing guys because if a guy is outgoing but barely shows any interest its obvious, shy guys are just so much more complicated ha ha.

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I think that if they are genuinely not interested they would probably say so yes but it really depends on the person themselves, like how honest they are, rather than the fact they are shy when it comes to this. I do think that generally a shy guy is more likely to be less fussy when it comes to relationships probably because I think alot of shy guys are the more romantic types and genuinely desire a partner in life more because they are usually the ones who are lonely and havnt had much experience in the relationship area. Also there is the fact that shyer guys are generally not as shallow or presumptuous.

I've dated guys from both ends of the spectrum (outgoing and conceited to shy and insecure). I'd prefer dating a guy who is more secure with themselves but I figure most insecure guys are only that way because most girls have messed with them and really hurt them and if they find a girl who is willing to give them a chance and treat them how they should be treated, they will become more comfortable with themselves. I know there was another thread on this site about nice guys not ever finishing, I really truly like nice guys because I don't want to be with someone who won't love and respect me. There might not be many girls out there who want a nice guy but I know thats what I want... I just can't tell when guys that are nice and shy are interested.

ShybutHi said:

labelsorlove3 said:

So if I am blunt and the one to make the first move, will a shy guy have enough guts to tell me if they just aren't interested? I mean I would think someone being shy may have a hard time responding negatively. I just don't want to make guys feel obligated to say yes or show interest in me if they don't have any. Its easy to read outgoing guys because if a guy is outgoing but barely shows any interest its obvious, shy guys are just so much more complicated ha ha.

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I think that if they are genuinely not interested they would probably say so yes but it really depends on the person themselves, like how honest they are, rather than the fact they are shy when it comes to this. I do think that generally a shy guy is more likely to be less fussy when it comes to relationships probably because I think alot of shy guys are the more romantic types and genuinely desire a partner in life more because they are usually the ones who are lonely and havnt had much experience in the relationship area. Also there is the fact that shyer guys are generally not as shallow or presumptuous.

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labelsorlove3 said:

That can be a horrible feeling too- having someone be really nice to you and feel like they could be interested and then being thrown in the friend category. Like if I'm good enough to be your friend, what is wrong with me to be anything more?

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Yep I know a girl who is TERRIBLE for this with me. She is a really really nice person. I mean she does stuff like she offered for me to go into the shop where she works and chat whenever im in town, she actively seeks to talk to me and always walks besides me if we are with friends like she gravitated towards me. She will sit by me sometimes if im doing something for no real reason other than seeminly wanting to be close to me like even if the situation doesnt really call for her to sit by me. Problem is she does this even when her FIANCEE, yes fiancee, is there. The first time I ever met her she said hi to me then hugged me for like 15 seconds I was like woah girl, that was before she met her fiancee. She also always gives me these shy looks with a little blush and looks away or at the floor if I catch her doing it.
I would not like to assume this is attraction, she might just be being really nice because she is genuinly a very nice person... lol she is so confusing. Maybe she just doesnt realise she is doing it.

LoL that definitely sounds like interest... whenever I think a guy is cute I always give looks like that for a few seconds to make sure he sees and then I look away. Are you good friends with her fiancee? If you don't really know him all that well thats definitely awkward for you and him ha ha.

ShybutHi said:

labelsorlove3 said:

That can be a horrible feeling too- having someone be really nice to you and feel like they could be interested and then being thrown in the friend category. Like if I'm good enough to be your friend, what is wrong with me to be anything more?

Click to expand...

Yep I know a girl who is TERRIBLE for this with me. She is a really really nice person. I mean she does stuff like she offered for me to go into the shop where she works and chat whenever im in town, she actively seeks to talk to me and always walks besides me if we are with friends like she gravitated towards me. She will sit by me sometimes if im doing something for no real reason other than seeminly wanting to be close to me like even if the situation doesnt really call for her to sit by me. Problem is she does this even when her FIANCEE, yes fiancee, is there. The first time I ever met her she said hi to me then hugged me for like 15 seconds I was like woah girl, that was before she met her fiancee. She also always gives me these shy looks with a little blush and looks away or at the floor if I catch her doing it.
I would not like to assume this is attraction, she might just be being really nice because she is genuinly a very nice person... lol she is so confusing. Maybe she just doesnt realise she is doing it.

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labelsorlove3 said:

I've dated guys from both ends of the spectrum (outgoing and conceited to shy and insecure). I'd prefer dating a guy who is more secure with themselves but I figure most insecure guys are only that way because most girls have messed with them and really hurt them and if they find a girl who is willing to give them a chance and treat them how they should be treated, they will become more comfortable with themselves. I know there was another thread on this site about nice guys not ever finishing, I really truly like nice guys because I don't want to be with someone who won't love and respect me. There might not be many girls out there who want a nice guy but I know thats what I want... I just can't tell when guys that are nice and shy are interested.

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Yeah it is true there are guys out there who are very insecure in themselves whether its just generally or relationship wise or what have you. Maybe they have been rejected alot causing insecurity or just dont know where to start. There are guys like me who are very shy but on the other hand confident in my own ability and opinions otherwise I would not do things like play music on stage... but its just when It comes to relationship's I have no experience whatsoever, lack of confidence to ask a women out and dont know the signs from women anyway so its impossible. lol

It really is hard to tell if shy people are interested. Sometimes being blatant really is the best way if you really like someone especially if they are shy because there is a large chance they will actually be interested but be too scared to initiate anything whether because of past relationships or perhaps fear of rejection etc.

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labelsorlove3 said:

LoL that definitely sounds like interest... whenever I think a guy is cute I always give looks like that for a few seconds to make sure he sees and then I look away. Are you good friends with her fiancee? If you don't really know him all that well thats definitely awkward for you and him ha ha.

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I have known him for quite a long time, about 10 years... He is a good friend who is also friends with alot of my friends but most of my friends including me dont see him very often because he lives quite far away. His fiancee lives in the same town as me. I would never ever do anything to ruin their relationship though, im just not the type of person to do that besides being terrible at knowing the sign or acting upon anything.

Men that are shy comes from all walks of life and all sorts of interest. Try asking them questions about what they like next time. Next time at a party, if a guy catches your eye walk up to him and say hi my name is so and so. This works for both sexes btw . Then ask questions and listen, when you get people to open up about themselves most cant stop. It also shows them that you are interested in them which is the message you're wanting to convey I'm assuming. If things click then you guys can move foward, if you find you have no interest and the guy seems dull then you can move on. This is advice for everyone. not just girls btw .

ShybutHi said:

Well I will approach this from my own perspective because I am a very shy guy who is in the same age group as you. I very very rarely have girls wanting to speak to me and logically the main reason must be my crippling shyness because I think I can safely say im a nice guy, open-minded and have alot of interests, I also play the guitar quite well, am in a few bands, transpose and compose music and such and have alot of friends too. Also I do even enjoy having deep conversation's with people but despite all this, getting past the first hurdle can take some time because of the shyness.

Personally I would like it if a girl came up and spoke to me whether it was just small talk or not. Talking about the things you mentioned are fine and personally I would welcome any girl who wanted to talk. Ask questions about stuff like what their interests are because then it is something they know about and would probably be less hesitant to speak about it... it would help to make the guy feel more comfortable and talk about other subjects. I doubt you are doing anything wrong as I actually do think most shy guy's would welcome anyone who wanted to talk to them... they just might not be good conversationalists at first.

It can take a while for some shy people to break out of their shell and feel confident with people so just keep that in mind. Also if a guy isnt contributing much to a conversation it doesnt mean that they dont enjoy your company because most of the time im sure they would, its just that at first they find it harder than people who are not shy.

Also if they are anything like me and they have pretty much no relationship experience, they probably wont have a clue if a girl is showing interest. Infact I would love it if a girl asked me if I wanted to hang out because she was interested but I doubt that would ever happen. I think alot of shy guys have this kind of complex where they would never ever assume that a girl is interested in them, not that they could even tell if the girl was interested anyway lol. Sometimes even brutal honesty is the best way forward because alot of shy guys would never make a move purely out of their inexperience or maybe because they might even be love-shy.

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your situation describes me perfectly.

I am an extremely shy person in front of female species. Often at workplace, some girl says hello or jokes around like "you have a babyface", my face would turn extremely red (without I realizing myself) and the whole room would start laughing.

This gets worse when I am around someone I actually like. Even her saying hello would be enough to make my heart thump. I would get tongue-tied for no good reason when in a conversation with her.

I guess, in that situation, the only possibility for a girl who is interested in me to make me talk to her is if she makes it really obvious and lead the conversation. I , like many guys in this thread, am hopeless at picking up signs of interest and scared of being hurt or misinterpreting a lady's non-existent interest and embarrass ourselves.

Depends on the person, really. Different levels of shyness and all manner of quirks people have. Generally would think it'd be a good idea to ask about their interests instead of going thru different generic topics. Generally tend to think even us shy folk are more easily encouraged if we know early on that the other person is interested, so we don't have to go thru the usual near-panic-attack-motions in our head with the constant 'what ifs'. Easiest way to start things off is to introduce yourself, of course, and go from there. Do concur with the notion that we need some sort of thing to go on, some solid cue, before we get enough guts to crawl out of our hard exterior shells (where we crawled to die from shame from our last romantic endeavours going sour).

Nothing quite as awkward as total silence as your minds starts drawing blank when trying to have a conversation with your interest, 'tho.