im attempting to help myself by writing my problems.

I just thought fresia it im going to write a big long moan as i have nothing else do and i feel like crap. Well actually it took more than that- ive basically wrote out all the rubbish below then wrote in this part afterward and clicked post otherwise i wouldnt have done it because i am that sad that i cant even post a message on a forum without feeling like ive done something wrong or if it will be taken negatively. I dont know how long its taken to write this, but i thought it would help. No one has to read or reply if they dont want, i thought id do it for myself and see what i uncover. i want to change and the only way i see me doing so is by writting what i think the problem is. Im sorry for putting this where you can see it, but its step one to beating my fears of posting i guess.

In school (primary and secondary) i was bullied- for being different, for being crap at sports, for being shy, for being smart, for being fat. Even the **** teachers joined in. It was no fault of my own. Ive lost all trust for people- my parents lied to me about who my dad was (out of protection as he did try 'getting rid' of me and then saying i wasnt his when the first option didnt work) and also about my relation to my siblings-they meant well but i cant forgive them. Its hard to describe the feeling-its like living a lie. People i thought were friends stabbed me in the back first chance they could or just used me as i was willing to do anything i thought would help them. Teachers, people who are there to educate young people on how to grow up and all that honeysuckle were just as bad as the ******* kids. honeysuckle, even the doctors i had to see were just as bad- a lot of the problems i had were caused by them and their ******* medication-then they have the ******* cheek to have a go at me for it. From all that, i hate myself- i dont do mirrors, i dont do photos unless i look completely different as a way of hiding. I see myself as the fat fresia that is responsible for the hate and lonelyness i have now even though im unrecognisable to what i used to be.

College i discovered just how honeysuckle a person at intamacy i am. relationships broke down as i had no atraction to them. I dont know what is worse- not being with anyone or being with someone and having the constant thought of them leaving as me as i wont ever be abl to fulfill their needs. I see myself as asexual- i have no sexual attraction to people, but i do crave the emotional and intellectual attachment- pretty frigging rare in a world that is so mad on sex. people get bored of doing nothing when everyone else is "taking it to the next level". College was also the time i started to believe that im always going to be lonely- I completley changed myself from what i was in high school, yet i could not make friends. No one knew me there and i messed it up. For four more years i was the person people would use as a spart part when they had no other people to go to- but being me i took the time to ******* be there for them. I started to work in the area of work i wish to pursue- i started working as a youth worker and i felt good when the young people told me about how they were doing and that i had helped them- i didnt want to hear that-i just wanted to be there and help as much as i can to make sure they did good. Then i found that my collegues were stabbing me in the back as they were pissed that i got along with the kids better than they did and had better ideas. I mean what the fresia its pathetic. I was made redundant and started working in a care home- i liked it there, but when a girl from my old school started there i left because i couldnt face the fact my past had just come back into my life. Thats how i cope- i runaway and hide- i destroyed photos, letters; anything from before. I thought i was strong by getting over it but now i know im weak as im always hiding behind work and have not got over anything.

Im going to uni in september- a new start- miles away from home with new people doing something new. I was lloking forward to it but being the pessimistic git i am i have pretty much ruined it. I know that people in the profession that i will be studying and gong into are pretty much universaly hated, but i accept that and look forward to maybe changing it amongst the people i meet, what i cant accept is the possibility that i will be alone there. Ive also started thinking about how i might not be able to get a job at the end of it. Why am i always seeing the ******* negatives of everything? the dream of getting into the job im chasing and supporting the vulnerable to maybe increase their changes of success of some measure is all i have and im sat here detroying it.

Now my hours have been ruduced at work- that was all i had to keep me occupied until september when i move and start uni. I work one day a week and my past experience is only really relevant to a line of work that has no jobs going. Im screwed now. Ive turend into what i used to be, constantly thinking about all the honeysuckle that can happen, feeling like crap and worst of all having a feeling of having an adrenalin rush for no reason. Its the worst- i have this feeling inside of wanting to scream, shout, cry, hit something and panic all at once for no **** reason. I dont even know what has set me off this time. I have no one to talk to, cant speak to my family- brother is to stupid to contemplate what i have to say and wont listen anyway, my sisters dont want to know, my parents are both ill and have themselves to focus on. I got nothing, I got a forum where people may feel the same but im to worried about sounding like a twat to say anythin, and then again they dont know me, and i dont kno them. Any conversations i have just taper off pretty qucik anyway-and everyone seeing this prob wont help Ive tried hobbies and stuff, but they all go the same way, i either cant afford to keep them up or i just feel like i dont fit in.

When im at work im fine. I feel great most of the time as i dont have time to think about anything but the clients, and i do the job well and im told that a lot. but i cant work all the time. My method of runing and hiding from my problems has caught up to me because im tired and im running low on places to go. maybe i should stop blaming others for how i am and then i might see what i can change. But its hard not to- I blame everyone for not being able to trust after being messed around so much in the past. I blame the medical professions for adding to the reasons i have for not asking them for help-after all their "help" in the past screwed me over. I blame my uncles for my hatered of alcohol and anything to do with it-they drank themselves to death and big thanks to the one who i had to find dead in his flat after being their while. great memories-you have scared me away from something that most people my age like and therefore make me more outcast. Oh and your drug use has scared me from having anything that may change my brain function-caffeine, medicines- anything tat can affect my behaviour- i dont want to risk being like you. I blame my parents for not having friends-while they were working to support me and my family i was at home looking after everyone else as i was the smart and mature one, while people my age were out having fun or whatever they do. They were doing their best as parents and i hate them for it. I blame my area for holding me back-i have ambitions that amount to more than crime and drugs-there are hardly any other people here that share them feelings. I blame the friends i did have for making it impossible for me to push myself more to make friends for fear of being left alone again-its not their fault, two dead from accidents and one stabbed to death-yet i ******* blame them. I became so connected to you and then you disapear all of a sudden. Me- im a selfish morngy sod who just sounds like i feel sorry for myself and blames everyone but myself for the way i am.

Im not like this normally. no one knows this and im professional and mature in everything i do. I do my best to not let all this crap affect my life outside of my room where i spend most my life. but now im spending most my time in my room so i have to put up with it. Reading it back i know that i sound like a complete and utter selfish arsehole for what i have said and i accept that, i dont need anyone to tell me i am although i probably deserve it. perhaps now i can change with this public reminder. I dont like being like this.

Sorry for putting you through all this if u managed to get to see this line.

A lot of people feel the way you do. Me included. For the last 4 years I'm working graveyard shifts so I can keep my mind occupied. I'm spending my time at work, at the uni, at the gym and sleeping. This is all I do. After working all night I go to lectures and after that to the gym so I can be so tired when I get home that my mind won't there to think anything negative. Even after all this there are days I still can't sleep. I feel myself drenched in apathy for a very long time now. When someone wants to take a picture with me I do it, but I'm thinking how I just want to get it over it. All the pictures from my school years, pics of the few girlfriends, gatherings, birthday photos - all of them are in a box somewhere on the attic and I don't plan to look at them soon. A general rule are that people are ********. Now after I was able to make peace with that it barely bothers me.

You shouldn't blame yourself for being selfish. Having a real hard time and not having someone to help you ease the load is tough. You can leave your past behind you. Remember there is always a light in the end of the tunnel. Maybe not a big shining one, but a small one, enough to guide you through the darkness.

Dealing with loneliness is not an easy task. That's why I always admired bears. They live alone in complete solitude, but they don't feel loneliness. And here comes the fun part: they happen to live in groups on very rare occasions, mostly while trying to reproduce. Even if there is a fairly large group there is no fighting in the group and they share the food fairly. The bear is a creature that can cope with it's loneliness and has the skills to survive, feeling comfortable around other bears in a group. That's why in the ancient cultures bears were considered equal with men. Try being a bear, my friend!

well least im not the only one i guess. I find it pretty hard sleeping most of the time, no matter what i do to try get tired. I used to listen to music, but now i relate the music to the honeysuckle feelings of the past when i used it to take my mind off my feelings so now i cant really do that. Photos- i just normally hide in the back if i really need to be in them. I just really hate them! People being arseholes- yeh ive come to that conclusion, thats why i cant trust them. But the job im after- its about supporting them and trying to get them to change in some cases- makes me want to do it- i want to see at least one human not be an arse.

That light at the end of the tunnel-for me at the moment its a big **** train. I cant help but blame myself, ive tried to change it but i cant, especially when it comes to what happened to the only friends i had and my uncles. If id have walked the way i usually walked home i would have been there when he was killed and could have possibly stopped it. But i didnt. now i have his blood on my hands. the two that died in accidents i couldnt have done owt there- but im still pissed at them. I want to punch them in the face for being stupid-may make me feel better but its pretty much impossible now. the uncles drinking- perhaps if i wasnt so put off by seeing them pissed all the time i could have talked some sense into them rather than staying away. Im not afan of being selfish, i really dont like it, but i cant see it any other way than that. I was thinking about myself at that moment and look what happend-now im in the state im in. If there is a way of leaving all this behind, let me know it!

Try being a bear...well thats something new i guess. although im not one for mating so i guess id be a bit pointless in a group-spare part again! il not shave for a bit and see how it goes.

You shouldn't feel responsible for something you can't be sure that will change, even if you've become involved in it. Your uncle drinking himself to death - it's his choice. It's not your responsibility to save his life if he didn't want to. Two of your friends died in car accidents and one was being stabbed, right? I know a person who was stabbed in a club while we were drinking. This rarely happens to someone without provocation. It's a bit naive to tell you thay you shouldn't blame yourself, but it's the truth. You can feel responsible for your own actions and maybe one day your children. If you're an adult - you have a head on your shoulders. Sometimes luck plays a great role. Either way if you didn't force someone to drink, stab him and run him over with the car - your concience should be crystal clear.

I cant help it. I think-well what if somebody did take time to talk to him about what he was doing to his body? the same goes with them all. the one i found especially may have listened but how do i know. Maybe im right- if there is that small chance i cant help but dwell on it.
The one that was stabbed- there was no provococation- sum shits decided they wanted to mug him, after they got his honeysuckle they still decided to stick a knife in him. If id have been near, i could have shouted-seeing two people may have put off the muggers. If not i may have been able to at least do something to make sure he didnt die on his own. I got a call later that night-went out to look for em as i know where he was and would head home and i found him. The time frame the police gave for it happening was the time i was walking back and took a diff route. theres that chance that i could have changed what happened and i cant shake it-i may have even seen the people that done it-they are still out there. He was the closest person i have ever had- even more so than my family.

I dont know, i cant help it..i duno what to say

Even if you can't help it you have to try until there is an improvement. I'm sure if he could the friend you've lost will want to tell you to not torment yourself regreting things you had no involvement in. Yeah, you could have been there and receive a stab yourself. Maybe it would have changed everything or not. You should leave the memories at the same place you left your photos...

but then i may have stopped it all from happening....see i dont know. I cant help it- now i have nothing to take my mind from everything thats happened im thinking about it more and more and now im begining to convince myself with the argument im having in my head.
I would burn the memories right out my head if i could, getting rid of the photos was a lot easier

up rolo

i read the newspaper

and sorry for all the carp
but just remember your not alone in this world
ur a great guy i have seen it
just stayong being you,
"dont change for the world let the world change for you"
that saying come from tiger

and yes i am tiger from chat
blackdemon is my forum name

good luck...

Hi Rolo,

What I like about you is that despite your problems - you keep working towards bettering yourself and your situation. Good on you for going to college, university and having the dedication, patience and determination to help youth.

However, you are far too hard on yourself. Despite what you have gone through - you have accomplished a lot.

My "story" is somewhat similar to yours.
I was bullied; had difficulty with people; destroyed all photos; was in a professional workplace, but with backstabbers; alone etc.
I blamed everyone around me - I also blamed myself.

What I realize now - that I didn't know then - is that there is no use in blaming. We can do is try out best to pick up the pieces and carry on.

It's perfectly normal to want to self-indulge sometimes, but it's always important to move forward and not backwards.

Loneliness is hard - even on the strongest of people...and I'm not sure why, but I get a vibe that you're strong and you'll make it through.

Thanks for the kind words guys

You're right I guess, Il have to stop dwelling on the past and keep going forward, but its pretty hard changing a pretty much life long way of thinking!