Making an effort

putter65 · Jul 8, 2011

I'm off work next week so I thought I would try and arrange a few things to do. I thought I would be friendly.

I asked this woman I know if she wanted to play golf sometime. Her last text had said 'we will have to play golf soon' - So I asked her and she replied. Said she couldn't because she was 'unwell' - went on to say 'golf was good' and she may play when she 'feels better'.

Just sounds like an excuse and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Anyway I sent her a text saying 'sorry to hear your unwell, get well soon'

I was only acting on her last text. It just annoys me when people say things and don't follow them up.

Another woman has just joined facebook so I sent her a long, funny message, just telling her about my day etc. She didn't reply to it. The effort it takes to type a few words and she couldn't be bothered.

Just makes me sick to be honest when I offer friendship and get nothing back. I don't know why I bother.

Apart from my Dad I probably won't speak to anybody next week. Without work, I don't usually speak to anybody. I thought I would try and change this. So next week is going to like all my other other holiday weeks. By myself, doing stuff alone.

IgnoredOne · Jul 8, 2011

I'm sorry to hear about things. But besides your efforts to get to know women, do you have any number of male friends?

putter65 · Jul 8, 2011

No male friends at all. I used to have alot of golfing pals but not anymore. They all stopped playing.

rosebud · Jul 8, 2011

I'm very annoyed when something like this happens. It isn't a big issue to text a few words back or return a call. I guess people are too involved in their own selfish little world. I just don't bother anymore when someone doesn't call back without a good reason.

I'm sorry that you have no one to talk to. It sucks when you're not doing any activity to occupy your mind.

IgnoredOne · Jul 8, 2011

putter65 said:
No male friends at all. I used to have alot of golfing pals but not anymore. They all stopped playing.

I'm not familiar with the golfing crowd at all - a few people at work go to golf with me, but its primarily for social rather than sport reasons. But perhaps you could look to participate in some sport or club where you can get to know people? I know that I met quite a few people when I got into badminton and tennis.

I highly suggest getting some male friends before female friends. For better or worse, I find that its harder for us men to understand women; its important first to have some people who you can understand on an easier basis, who you can generally comprehend.

putter65 · Jul 8, 2011

I'm a member of a golf club but the people there are not very nice so I keep myself to myself. There is alot of jealously about and because I'm pretty good, there has been a few quite nasty incidents over the years.

I did have some good golf mates and we played over 10 years but they suddenly stopped playing. Not really seen any of them since so I play with my Dad.

It's been a strange day. I had this longterm female friend. We worked together for awhile and then started going to the cinema. She was married but her husband didn't like the cinema. We went for 8 years and saw over 50 films. She would ring every now and again and I would go round and have coffee at her house a few times a year. For no reason she stopped all contact and I haven't seen her for a year and a half. I asked her mother a number of times how she was and at xmas I sent a card with a little message. She didn't reply.

Anyway I saw her today, she was driving this car. She saw me, smiled and waved. So I waved back. Didn't get chance to speak. I know people move on but it would be nice to ask her how she is.

So I got home, and got the 2 knock backs from the others.

rosebud said:
I'm very annoyed when something like this happens. It isn't a big issue to text a few words back or return a call. I guess people are too involved in their own selfish little world. I just don't bother anymore when someone doesn't call back without a good reason.

I'm sorry that you have no one to talk to. It sucks when you're not doing any activity to occupy your mind.

Most people ignore my messages, especially on facebook. I only have 2 people on my mobile; my brother and this golf woman. Neither of them answer all the time and the golf woman often ignores my messages. Neither of them send me a text first, they only reply. People at work know I have a phone, nobody has asked me for my number.

I often send messages on facebook just asking how people are. I feel like doing it. I get replies sometimes but 2 or 3 days later.

trZ · Jul 9, 2011

Hi there.

The woman who declined your request for golf.. Well there are two possibilities here: #1, she is telling the truth. No problem, she isn't feeling well and if she wants to play golf she knows you are ready to roll.
#2 She is lying to you, she just doesn't want to go golfing. With you.
I know this might hurt, but for some reason she doesn't want to hang out with you, and I don't think you should worry too much about it. If she's going to be like that she isn't worth your time, there are so many other people to spend your time with, just forget about her and move on. The details aren't important, really.

The woman you messages on facebook, how well do you know her? (I'm going to go with not so much)

To be blunt, you need to think about what sending a long message telling her about your day tells about you. The social norms just doesn't accept such things, it isn't considered normal and as such she probably looks at you as a weirdo. I've been there before, sending long ass texts to people I shouldn't be sending long messages to, but you need to stop doing it. It scares people away. I'm sorry for sounding like I view you as a crazy person, because I don't, just understand what other people think.

The woman you used to go to the movies with is a thing of the past. Unless there was some event between you and her that made it so, it is probably her husband or something else in her life that hasn't made going to the movies an option.
But! You saw her in the car, she smiled and waved, now get a hold of her and send a short messages saying something along the lines of "Hey! Its been a long time, what do you say we catch up over a cup of coffee".

About being more social in general, think about your body language when you are around people. I got this philosophy about being positive and smiling a lot, I've rambled about it other places on this board.. Anyways I think you should change golf club OR get some other hobby that makes you come in contact with new people. Be friendly and positive with everyone, suggest doing something together sometime and ask for their number/add them on facebook whatever.

I hope you found my advice more helpful than stupid and annoying, good luck.

putter65 · Jul 10, 2011

trZ said:
Hi there.

The woman who declined your request for golf.. Well there are two possibilities here: #1, she is telling the truth. No problem, she isn't feeling well and if she wants to play golf she knows you are ready to roll.
#2 She is lying to you, she just doesn't want to go golfing. With you.
I know this might hurt, but for some reason she doesn't want to hang out with you, and I don't think you should worry too much about it. If she's going to be like that she isn't worth your time, there are so many other people to spend your time with, just forget about her and move on. The details aren't important, really.

'In her last 3 texts she put 'we'll have to play golf soon' - So I don't think it was wrong of me to think she actually wanted to play. She maybe is ill or unwell. She could easily have said she was 'busy' - that's an reasonable excuse. And they maybe loads of people to spend time with. Unfortunately nobody seems to want to. This woman was the first in two years to hang around with me.'

The woman you messages on facebook, how well do you know her? (I'm going to go with not so much)

To be blunt, you need to think about what sending a long message telling her about your day tells about you. The social norms just doesn't accept such things, it isn't considered normal and as such she probably looks at you as a weirdo. I've been there before, sending long ass texts to people I shouldn't be sending long messages to, but you need to stop doing it. It scares people away. I'm sorry for sounding like I view you as a crazy person, because I don't, just understand what other people think.

'No I've worked with for 8 years. We know each other well. She's just joined facebook and we've swapped messages and chat etc and we've talked about it at work. I thought I would send her a message, I had a few things to tell her, things I have already mentioned before. So I don't see what I did wrong here.'

The woman you used to go to the movies with is a thing of the past. Unless there was some event between you and her that made it so, it is probably her husband or something else in her life that hasn't made going to the movies an option.
But! You saw her in the car, she smiled and waved, now get a hold of her and send a short messages saying something along the lines of "Hey! Its been a long time, what do you say we catch up over a cup of coffee".

'I've no way of contacting her. I know where she lives but just arriving on her doorstep doesn't seem to right thing to do. I do see her mother and she is a customer in my shop so I will say I saw her daughter and see if anything happens.'

About being more social in general, think about your body language when you are around people. I got this philosophy about being positive and smiling a lot, I've rambled about it other places on this board.. Anyways I think you should change golf club OR get some other hobby that makes you come in contact with new people. Be friendly and positive with everyone, suggest doing something together sometime and ask for their number/add them on facebook whatever.

'I could find another hobby but nothing springs to mind. At work when dealing with customers I am very chatty and outgoing (Maybe because I have to be !), outside of work I don't mix with people and prefer to be alone. I've never been the type of person to strike up a conversation with a stranger.'

I hope you found my advice more helpful than stupid and annoying, good luck.

Thank you !

trZ · Jul 10, 2011

Hi.

Well, based on what you replied here, I really do think that the people you are sending messages just doesn't find your messages "normal", they might be scared off as I said. I don't know what the messages say or anything, but maybe you just don't have a relationship where they deem it fitting to be sending messages like that. Its hard for me to tell, really. If it just says normal things then they might not be using facebook all that much or something. I mean, its not like they just hate you for no reason. Its probably a fair and logical explanation.

But really, to be fair, the absolute #1 easiest solution to this is to stop using facebook to meet new people (or reconnect with old ones). Face to face or phone is so much better, and then you work on how you act around other people (outside of work!). I can relate because I work as a clerk in a shop where I have to do loads talking and chit chatting with customers, and for a long time I was real social at work, but a loner at home and around people I had to form a personal relationship with. Luckily, the two are extremely similar and if you can copy your "work personality" to your friendmaking, I think that might help you out.

jjam · Jul 10, 2011

Believe me, I know how that feels. I've gone through EXACTLY what you described just recently, but decided not to let it continue to touch me. She makes you think she's interested in a MEANINGFUL relationship (beyond a superficial acquaintanceship) from the beginning of the endeavor, to the times you are putting forth effort while she simultaneously disappoints/stands you up most of the time and never puts forth effort to redeem. It's a mess of character, that's for sure. I was really screwed up over it because this was someone I'd met from long ago and admired a great deal. But no more, I said.

putter65 · Jul 10, 2011

trZ said:
Hi.

Well, based on what you replied here, I really do think that the people you are sending messages just doesn't find your messages "normal", they might be scared off as I said. I don't know what the messages say or anything, but maybe you just don't have a relationship where they deem it fitting to be sending messages like that. Its hard for me to tell, really. If it just says normal things then they might not be using facebook all that much or something. I mean, its not like they just hate you for no reason. Its probably a fair and logical explanation.

But really, to be fair, the absolute #1 easiest solution to this is to stop using facebook to meet new people (or reconnect with old ones). Face to face or phone is so much better, and then you work on how you act around other people (outside of work!). I can relate because I work as a clerk in a shop where I have to do loads talking and chit chatting with customers, and for a long time I was real social at work, but a loner at home and around people I had to form a personal relationship with. Luckily, the two are extremely similar and if you can copy your "work personality" to your friendmaking, I think that might help you out.

Hi there !

I don't think there was anything strange in my message. All I wrote about was work and the things we discussed at work. I was making jokes about it. I also mentioned two women I know, I had talked about them to this woman.

Maybe I am different because I answer every message I get. I just see it as polite. Even if it's just a 'thank you' type message. I have sent alot of messages to work colleagues that haven't got replies. So this isn't a first.

I don't use facebook to make friends. (I only have 28 on there) I never add a friend. I only add someone if they add me.

How did you transfer your work personality into your home one ?

ReyOzymandias · Jul 10, 2011

I sent someone I barely knew a message offering friendship and whatnot. I didn't get a reply for several hours, during which I swore zie would have read it. It drove me nuts, and I made an ass out of myself over it. But a reply did come, and it was relatively affirmative. If someone doesn't reply right away, just be patient, and don't get too worked up over it, even if they never answer. Sometimes that's just how it's gonna be.

putter65 · Jul 10, 2011

jjam said:
Believe me, I know how that feels. I've gone through EXACTLY what you described just recently, but decided not to let it continue to touch me. She makes you think she's interested in a MEANINGFUL relationship (beyond a superficial acquaintanceship) from the beginning of the endeavor, to the times you are putting forth effort while she simultaneously disappoints/stands you up most of the time and never puts forth effort to redeem. It's a mess of character, that's for sure. I was really screwed up over it because this was someone I'd met from long ago and admired a great deal. But no more, I said.

Oh I'm not that bothered about it, not heart broken or anything. Just disapointed really. Spending time with a lovely woman is nice and it doesn't happen often to me.

I did set her a little test. After she came back from her holiday, I sent her a text and I didn't mention playing golf. She cancelled twice the week before her holiday because she was tired. So I don't say anything about playing, just blah, blah about her holiday. She replies and mentions playing. 'we will have to play golf soon' - So I think it's reasonable to think she wants to play.

Anyway I'm off work this week so I asked her in a text and she replied 'I'm a bit unwell at the moment, golf sounds good. we'll see when I feel better, hope u ok'

I don't know maybe she is ill ?

If she's gone off the idea then she could have said 'busy' - I would have understood. Saying your 'ill' seems odd to me. A bit low.

ReyOzymandias · Jul 10, 2011

From what you've said, she seems to be ill quite a lot, which does seem suspicious, but it does sound like she intends to golf with you at some point, so it's probably a matter of patience. I mean, she brought it up when you didn't, which, I think, is a good thing. As long as you're not pushy about it, I'm sure she'll find time well enough.

putter65 · Jul 10, 2011

ReyOzymandias said:
From what you've said, she seems to be ill quite a lot, which does seem suspicious, but it does sound like she intends to golf with you at some point, so it's probably a matter of patience. I mean, she brought it up when you didn't, which, I think, is a good thing. As long as you're not pushy about it, I'm sure she'll find time well enough.

I never want to be pushy. In fact I'm the opposite. Somebody has to mention doing something a few times before I take them seriously and believe they actually want to do it.

She said only a month ago she wanted to 'play golf on a regular basis' - and on facebook she said 'I can't wait to play again' - So we were due to play on this Sunday but it rained so she suggested playing the next week. On the Wednesday she cried off saying she was tired. She suggested Thursday only to cry off again. She then goes on holiday, comes back. She's got this new boyfriend so I thought she wouldn't want to play. Hence my text to her. I mentioned my golf game and a new golf club I had bought but I didn't mention playing with her. But she does in her text which makes me think she wants to play.

I don't think I've jumped to any conclusions. I've only acted on what she has said. I will have to see what happens. I never bombard her with text messages. I do wait weeks before contacting her.

Luna · Jul 10, 2011

I've had people offer to hang out with me when I said something like "I'd like to go shopping soon" - then suddenly disappear when I brought it up again.
The worst was when someone asked me to go travelling to another city with them - I was so excited!
Then when I showed I was serious in taking their offer - something came up.
The same person even offered for me to hang out with her at a concert - I was so excited!
Again, avoided the subject when I mentioned it only once.

Sometimes people are just all talk.
They say what they think is right to appear friendly and social.
Or maybe they do like you, but not enough to go out of their way for you.
I've sent a few messages to people and received no responses...not even a late one.

I find it's tiring to always be initiating so if I find that I am always doing it - I'll stop and move on.
One-way friendships have no rewards.

It hurt me and drove me crazy for a long time, but I've reached a point where if I feel like I'm hunting or always scheduling myself around someone - f*** them - I'm moving on elsewhere where I'm appreciated!

Not worth my time if they keep cancelling or if it's always me that puts forth the effort to maintain the friendship.

I still haven't made any friends in real life yet...so I'm not sure if it's my place to suggest to you; but if they keep flaking out on you - I don't think they're worth your time and you need to work on meeting new people.
(FYI, I'm not saying be enemies...you can still be on good terms, but not to invest so much time and effort because they do not deserve it.)

JMO.

FYI - For your golfing friend...I would get tired of that. I have patience but to keep following up with her is too much.
I would probably say something along the lines of "Hope you feel better. I'll be heading out to golf/ golfing regularly for the next while. You let me know what day and time you're ready if you'd like to join."
This will give her the opportunity to make some initiative and for you to see if she's all talk or not.

putter65 · Jul 10, 2011

Well I play golf with my Dad so it's not like I need her to play or anything.

When she has backed out, I have always sent her nice replies. Even though I am fed up with it. I have never once sent her a touchy reply.

I will put her on the back burner and see what happens. I'm not going to mention playing golf again, that's for sure ! Although I will send her text messages from time to time.

The thing about initiating contact. I know damm well that if I never got in touch with people, they wouldn't bother. So out of loneliness I send messages asking how they are. Sometimes I get a reply and people are nice enough. But it's very rare when somebody sends me a text and asks me how I am.

Nobody would say they are ill as an excuse would they ?

Seems so low and terrible. Plenty of other reasons. Busy etc.

jjam · Jul 10, 2011

773-202-Luna!!!!

:my: kind of post!

trZ · Jul 10, 2011

Luna: That sucks, I think you've been in touch with the wrong people. I can't relate to what you said at all, most people aren't like that. At all. I sometimes say things like "hey we should do that sometime!" without really thinking about what I just said because .. Well, it just made sense. I try to follow it up if people take me up on the offer, but it really isn't the end of the world. People aren't trying to screw with you.

putter65 - Do you send more messages over internet than you are actually being with people in real life? When I was really struggling I sent a lot of messages over facebook to keep in touch with friends, most got bored talking over the internet, I really didn't get back in touch with them until I went out with them in real life. Going to a pub, party, cafê, pool etc.. I think there is a big difference maker in being with someone in real life over messaging over facebook. People just don't bother too much with replying all facebook messages and so on.

putter65 · Jul 10, 2011

Most of my facebook friends are work colleagues so I see them every week. The golf woman I used to work with. I hardly ever send her a facebook message. When she left my work she gave me her mobile number (The only woman ever to do this !), so I send her a text every couple of weeks on average. She sometimes replies, not always.

The woman who just joined facebook; I sent her a long message. She didn't reply to it. I'm off work next week so it was a 'see you next week' type of message. Obviously too familar so I won't be doing it again !

Another woman I used to work with about 10 years ago. I don't hardly see her but send her a text every month or so. She replies most times.

My brother lives in another town so I send him the odd text. He replies sometimes not always.

Making an effort

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Member

Well-known member

Member

Well-known member

Luna

Guest

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Similar threads

Join the conversation!

Join today and get all the highlights of this community direct to your inbox. It's FREE!