MilesSmiles
Member
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2011
- Messages
- 6
- Reaction score
- 0
Hi Everyone,
This is my first time posting here, and most people in the online world (and the real world for that matter) absolutely despise me, so I apologize in advance for having opinions and thoughts. My bad.
I am 27, I lost 99% of my friends in the last few years, and I have basically failed in all aspects of life. I don't know what the point of my post will be, I guess I am just so angry and depressed that I am literally on the verge of absolute insanity and I just need someone to talk to....and being a worthless loser is not something you can talk about in the real world. (it's why I have hardly any friends anymore)
I grew up in NYC, where everyone starts doing drugs and having sex in middle school. I got the honeysuckle kicked out of me every single day in school, and then I got the honeysuckle kicked out of me every single night at home. Being the only non-italian in my school (think jersey shore, i kid-you-not) the guido-teachers encouraged students to abuse me. After all, i wasn't tanned, jacked, and wearing $500 jeans....I deserved to be killed. After getting my face kicked in, the teachers would call my parents and tell them I incited a riot. My parents would never believe me, because italian teachers are infallible, right? Therefore, i got my ass kicked AGAIN, every night. Then i would sit in my room and huff chemicals from containers labelled "prolonged exposure is known to cause cancer in rats" because I felt I deserved a slow, brutal death.
Then I went to high school, an all-boys high school. This permanently set in stone an inability to ever meet decent women. I got the "you're way too nice to date" speech a thousand or so times. There was one girl who knew I was deeply in love with her, several times I had to stop "being friends" with her because it was too painful for me....she recently came out of nowhere, contacting me online after 4 years of not talking, to tell me SHE LOVES ME!!! wow! a girl who isn't unbelievably clingy and hideous actually likes me for once! wow! She asks when I can meet, I said "right now"....we meet, she tells me she's sorry for hurting me, she's sorry for leading me on, and that she LOVES ME. But, the reality of the situation is that it was all a practical joke. Her fiance walked in a moment later, and the whole point was to make me hate myself even more than I already did. I never heard from her again. I guess I deserved it, since I always respected her, never harassed or stalked her, and respected her wishes to "just be friends" (next woman that says that to me will pay for it with her life).
AS for my career, I was a musician in high school. I was making good money doing gigs and teaching. I left to go to one of the best music schools in the world after high school. I could not have made a worse decision. I was surrounded by some of the most miserable, awful, terrible human beings in the world. Most of the students were asian and VERY racist and hateful towards americans. I spent three years there, and by the time I left I was so angry, so miserable, so depressed that I completely stopped playing music for about 2 years...I had a bunch of stupid meaningless jobs during that time. Then I decide to get back into music...and I find out that all those gigs in NYC are being done for less than 5% of what they used to pay (or some places get the bands to PAY TO PLAY). The entire music business had been taken over by idiots who play for free in the blink of an eye. I had no way to make money...
So I started to record bands for a living...that was working well, until all of a sudden recording equipment got WAY cheaper and everyone stopped listening to music on big sound systems to make way for ipods with terrible headphone amps and cheap headphones. ( in a nutshell, musicians come into my studio unable to make basic discernments between bad sound quality and VERY GOOD sound quality, they haven't been trained like I and other pro's have). Not to mention, they no longer even have to play music well at all to make a good record. I do all of that on the engineering side, "fixing" the music with a mouse, copying and pasting audio files.... sounds great, but in reality, they think they can do the same thing at home, and I get paid in a month what the same work used to pay in an hour.
I made $500 to record an album recently, we used over $45k in microphones alone....and the worthless ******** tried to bargain me down when it came time to pay...i told them if I don't get the $500 that was agreed, I'd light the whole place on fire with myself and them , and their new album locked inside. (i basically lost it at that point--$500 for a MONTH'S WORK--65 HOUR WEEKS) Needless to say, they paid, but what do I have to show for it? Nothing...I'm in debt, I have no time, I don't make enough to live...
and the worst part is that I am in terrible pain all the time...I have a messed up back and I'm on percocet and methadone for the pain, and they don't work anymore, and the ******* doctors won't give me anything stronger because I'm young. Apparently being young negates the fact that just about every other night I cry myself to sleep because my back hurts so god **** bad. I go to physical therapy where AT EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT they give me honeysuckle about not doing the 1.5 hour workout routine 5 times per day. Let's do some basic math. 5 times 1.5 is 7.5 hours. These worthless ******** want me to workout 7.5 hours per day, as if I have nothing to do....
well, now I don't because no one records in the studio anymore because they are stupid enough to think they can do it at home, with a total lack of knowledge of acoustical physics, signal processing, or even MUSIC AT ALL....but hey, it's the 2010's....you don't need ability to get famous, right? just be a *********....that'll carry you through...
so yeah, I'm sorry for all the rambling, but I'm 27, I can barely walk, women view me as absolutely worthless, and my career is already over after just 15 years....
the best part is...all the ********* ******** I grew up with who had NO GOALS, NO TALENT, and NO DRIVE, are all rich, have families, houses, jobs, their own businesses....
and because I spent the best years of my life working my ass off ( i literally practiced until my hands bled while at Berklee, (if you don't believe me, it's because you don't believe in anything )) ...and I'm left with nothing to show for it, and I literally want my life to end. I cannot wait until I'm old and dead...there is no point to any of this...the harder you work, the harder you fail....I should have just done what my old high school friends did--do drugs and treat women like worthless crap. Those people are INFINITELY happier than I.
Sorry everyone, I know my story sucks and you probably hate me, I don't blame you.
Oh....and I guess I left out the part that makes me an awful, worthless person.
I am so upset and angry every single day when i wake up that I literally cannot interact with another person without fantasizing about absolutely brutally murdering them.
I am trained in martial arts and I literally hope to god that someone will start something with me whenever I leave my house. No one ever will..that's probably because i get angry and twitch a lot and bite my lip until it bleeds...
i hope I have a stroke or something soon.
This is my first time posting here, and most people in the online world (and the real world for that matter) absolutely despise me, so I apologize in advance for having opinions and thoughts. My bad.
I am 27, I lost 99% of my friends in the last few years, and I have basically failed in all aspects of life. I don't know what the point of my post will be, I guess I am just so angry and depressed that I am literally on the verge of absolute insanity and I just need someone to talk to....and being a worthless loser is not something you can talk about in the real world. (it's why I have hardly any friends anymore)
I grew up in NYC, where everyone starts doing drugs and having sex in middle school. I got the honeysuckle kicked out of me every single day in school, and then I got the honeysuckle kicked out of me every single night at home. Being the only non-italian in my school (think jersey shore, i kid-you-not) the guido-teachers encouraged students to abuse me. After all, i wasn't tanned, jacked, and wearing $500 jeans....I deserved to be killed. After getting my face kicked in, the teachers would call my parents and tell them I incited a riot. My parents would never believe me, because italian teachers are infallible, right? Therefore, i got my ass kicked AGAIN, every night. Then i would sit in my room and huff chemicals from containers labelled "prolonged exposure is known to cause cancer in rats" because I felt I deserved a slow, brutal death.
Then I went to high school, an all-boys high school. This permanently set in stone an inability to ever meet decent women. I got the "you're way too nice to date" speech a thousand or so times. There was one girl who knew I was deeply in love with her, several times I had to stop "being friends" with her because it was too painful for me....she recently came out of nowhere, contacting me online after 4 years of not talking, to tell me SHE LOVES ME!!! wow! a girl who isn't unbelievably clingy and hideous actually likes me for once! wow! She asks when I can meet, I said "right now"....we meet, she tells me she's sorry for hurting me, she's sorry for leading me on, and that she LOVES ME. But, the reality of the situation is that it was all a practical joke. Her fiance walked in a moment later, and the whole point was to make me hate myself even more than I already did. I never heard from her again. I guess I deserved it, since I always respected her, never harassed or stalked her, and respected her wishes to "just be friends" (next woman that says that to me will pay for it with her life).
AS for my career, I was a musician in high school. I was making good money doing gigs and teaching. I left to go to one of the best music schools in the world after high school. I could not have made a worse decision. I was surrounded by some of the most miserable, awful, terrible human beings in the world. Most of the students were asian and VERY racist and hateful towards americans. I spent three years there, and by the time I left I was so angry, so miserable, so depressed that I completely stopped playing music for about 2 years...I had a bunch of stupid meaningless jobs during that time. Then I decide to get back into music...and I find out that all those gigs in NYC are being done for less than 5% of what they used to pay (or some places get the bands to PAY TO PLAY). The entire music business had been taken over by idiots who play for free in the blink of an eye. I had no way to make money...
So I started to record bands for a living...that was working well, until all of a sudden recording equipment got WAY cheaper and everyone stopped listening to music on big sound systems to make way for ipods with terrible headphone amps and cheap headphones. ( in a nutshell, musicians come into my studio unable to make basic discernments between bad sound quality and VERY GOOD sound quality, they haven't been trained like I and other pro's have). Not to mention, they no longer even have to play music well at all to make a good record. I do all of that on the engineering side, "fixing" the music with a mouse, copying and pasting audio files.... sounds great, but in reality, they think they can do the same thing at home, and I get paid in a month what the same work used to pay in an hour.
I made $500 to record an album recently, we used over $45k in microphones alone....and the worthless ******** tried to bargain me down when it came time to pay...i told them if I don't get the $500 that was agreed, I'd light the whole place on fire with myself and them , and their new album locked inside. (i basically lost it at that point--$500 for a MONTH'S WORK--65 HOUR WEEKS) Needless to say, they paid, but what do I have to show for it? Nothing...I'm in debt, I have no time, I don't make enough to live...
and the worst part is that I am in terrible pain all the time...I have a messed up back and I'm on percocet and methadone for the pain, and they don't work anymore, and the ******* doctors won't give me anything stronger because I'm young. Apparently being young negates the fact that just about every other night I cry myself to sleep because my back hurts so god **** bad. I go to physical therapy where AT EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT they give me honeysuckle about not doing the 1.5 hour workout routine 5 times per day. Let's do some basic math. 5 times 1.5 is 7.5 hours. These worthless ******** want me to workout 7.5 hours per day, as if I have nothing to do....
well, now I don't because no one records in the studio anymore because they are stupid enough to think they can do it at home, with a total lack of knowledge of acoustical physics, signal processing, or even MUSIC AT ALL....but hey, it's the 2010's....you don't need ability to get famous, right? just be a *********....that'll carry you through...
so yeah, I'm sorry for all the rambling, but I'm 27, I can barely walk, women view me as absolutely worthless, and my career is already over after just 15 years....
the best part is...all the ********* ******** I grew up with who had NO GOALS, NO TALENT, and NO DRIVE, are all rich, have families, houses, jobs, their own businesses....
and because I spent the best years of my life working my ass off ( i literally practiced until my hands bled while at Berklee, (if you don't believe me, it's because you don't believe in anything )) ...and I'm left with nothing to show for it, and I literally want my life to end. I cannot wait until I'm old and dead...there is no point to any of this...the harder you work, the harder you fail....I should have just done what my old high school friends did--do drugs and treat women like worthless crap. Those people are INFINITELY happier than I.
Sorry everyone, I know my story sucks and you probably hate me, I don't blame you.
Oh....and I guess I left out the part that makes me an awful, worthless person.
I am so upset and angry every single day when i wake up that I literally cannot interact with another person without fantasizing about absolutely brutally murdering them.
I am trained in martial arts and I literally hope to god that someone will start something with me whenever I leave my house. No one ever will..that's probably because i get angry and twitch a lot and bite my lip until it bleeds...
i hope I have a stroke or something soon.