I am an awful person.

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting here, and most people in the online world (and the real world for that matter) absolutely despise me, so I apologize in advance for having opinions and thoughts. My bad.

I am 27, I lost 99% of my friends in the last few years, and I have basically failed in all aspects of life. I don't know what the point of my post will be, I guess I am just so angry and depressed that I am literally on the verge of absolute insanity and I just need someone to talk to....and being a worthless loser is not something you can talk about in the real world. (it's why I have hardly any friends anymore)

I grew up in NYC, where everyone starts doing drugs and having sex in middle school. I got the honeysuckle kicked out of me every single day in school, and then I got the honeysuckle kicked out of me every single night at home. Being the only non-italian in my school (think jersey shore, i kid-you-not) the guido-teachers encouraged students to abuse me. After all, i wasn't tanned, jacked, and wearing $500 jeans....I deserved to be killed. After getting my face kicked in, the teachers would call my parents and tell them I incited a riot. My parents would never believe me, because italian teachers are infallible, right? Therefore, i got my ass kicked AGAIN, every night. Then i would sit in my room and huff chemicals from containers labelled "prolonged exposure is known to cause cancer in rats" because I felt I deserved a slow, brutal death.

Then I went to high school, an all-boys high school. This permanently set in stone an inability to ever meet decent women. I got the "you're way too nice to date" speech a thousand or so times. There was one girl who knew I was deeply in love with her, several times I had to stop "being friends" with her because it was too painful for me....she recently came out of nowhere, contacting me online after 4 years of not talking, to tell me SHE LOVES ME!!! wow! a girl who isn't unbelievably clingy and hideous actually likes me for once! wow! She asks when I can meet, I said "right now"....we meet, she tells me she's sorry for hurting me, she's sorry for leading me on, and that she LOVES ME. But, the reality of the situation is that it was all a practical joke. Her fiance walked in a moment later, and the whole point was to make me hate myself even more than I already did. I never heard from her again. I guess I deserved it, since I always respected her, never harassed or stalked her, and respected her wishes to "just be friends" (next woman that says that to me will pay for it with her life).

AS for my career, I was a musician in high school. I was making good money doing gigs and teaching. I left to go to one of the best music schools in the world after high school. I could not have made a worse decision. I was surrounded by some of the most miserable, awful, terrible human beings in the world. Most of the students were asian and VERY racist and hateful towards americans. I spent three years there, and by the time I left I was so angry, so miserable, so depressed that I completely stopped playing music for about 2 years...I had a bunch of stupid meaningless jobs during that time. Then I decide to get back into music...and I find out that all those gigs in NYC are being done for less than 5% of what they used to pay (or some places get the bands to PAY TO PLAY). The entire music business had been taken over by idiots who play for free in the blink of an eye. I had no way to make money...

So I started to record bands for a living...that was working well, until all of a sudden recording equipment got WAY cheaper and everyone stopped listening to music on big sound systems to make way for ipods with terrible headphone amps and cheap headphones. ( in a nutshell, musicians come into my studio unable to make basic discernments between bad sound quality and VERY GOOD sound quality, they haven't been trained like I and other pro's have). Not to mention, they no longer even have to play music well at all to make a good record. I do all of that on the engineering side, "fixing" the music with a mouse, copying and pasting audio files.... sounds great, but in reality, they think they can do the same thing at home, and I get paid in a month what the same work used to pay in an hour.

I made $500 to record an album recently, we used over $45k in microphones alone....and the worthless ******** tried to bargain me down when it came time to pay...i told them if I don't get the $500 that was agreed, I'd light the whole place on fire with myself and them , and their new album locked inside. (i basically lost it at that point--$500 for a MONTH'S WORK--65 HOUR WEEKS) Needless to say, they paid, but what do I have to show for it? Nothing...I'm in debt, I have no time, I don't make enough to live...

and the worst part is that I am in terrible pain all the time...I have a messed up back and I'm on percocet and methadone for the pain, and they don't work anymore, and the ******* doctors won't give me anything stronger because I'm young. Apparently being young negates the fact that just about every other night I cry myself to sleep because my back hurts so god **** bad. I go to physical therapy where AT EVERY SINGLE APPOINTMENT they give me honeysuckle about not doing the 1.5 hour workout routine 5 times per day. Let's do some basic math. 5 times 1.5 is 7.5 hours. These worthless ******** want me to workout 7.5 hours per day, as if I have nothing to do....

well, now I don't because no one records in the studio anymore because they are stupid enough to think they can do it at home, with a total lack of knowledge of acoustical physics, signal processing, or even MUSIC AT ALL....but hey, it's the 2010's....you don't need ability to get famous, right? just be a *********....that'll carry you through...

so yeah, I'm sorry for all the rambling, but I'm 27, I can barely walk, women view me as absolutely worthless, and my career is already over after just 15 years....

the best part is...all the ********* ******** I grew up with who had NO GOALS, NO TALENT, and NO DRIVE, are all rich, have families, houses, jobs, their own businesses....

and because I spent the best years of my life working my ass off ( i literally practiced until my hands bled while at Berklee, (if you don't believe me, it's because you don't believe in anything )) ...and I'm left with nothing to show for it, and I literally want my life to end. I cannot wait until I'm old and dead...there is no point to any of this...the harder you work, the harder you fail....I should have just done what my old high school friends did--do drugs and treat women like worthless crap. Those people are INFINITELY happier than I.

Sorry everyone, I know my story sucks and you probably hate me, I don't blame you.

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Oh....and I guess I left out the part that makes me an awful, worthless person.

I am so upset and angry every single day when i wake up that I literally cannot interact with another person without fantasizing about absolutely brutally murdering them.

I am trained in martial arts and I literally hope to god that someone will start something with me whenever I leave my house. No one ever will..that's probably because i get angry and twitch a lot and bite my lip until it bleeds...

i hope I have a stroke or something soon.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through in life, especially the bullying. You did not deserve that, and further, deserved to have parents who could at least believe you.

Your choice of a musical career has limited your own options, but it seems to be an extremely strong part of your identity. You seem to have an exceptional degree of anger, which you have labeled against much of the world you presently reside in.

I personally would advise that you find a field with a more stable income and move to another part of the country if you feel that it is because of where you live, that gives you issues.

You are still extremely young - the same age as me, in fact, and you can leverage what you have learned into another field, I am certain.

IgnoredOne said:

I'm sorry for what you've gone through in life, especially the bullying. You did not deserve that, and further, deserved to have parents who could at least believe you.

Your choice of a musical career has limited your own options, but it seems to be an extremely strong part of your identity. You seem to have an exceptional degree of anger, which you have labeled against much of the world you presently reside in.

I personally would advise that you find a field with a more stable income and move to another part of the country if you feel that it is because of where you live, that gives you issues.

You are still extremely young - the same age as me, in fact, and you can leverage what you have learned into another field, I am certain.

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You are right about limited options. I have no valuable skills. I used to do manual labor odd-jobs all the time to fill in my income, but now my back is completely destroyed and I can barely walk.

And I have moved all over the country. being from NY never escapes you. People will ALWAYS judge me for my accent and not for my actions.

As far as leveraging things I've learned, there's really not much there. I've learned that intense hard work and dedication gets you nowhere. I've learned that the best way to network and get gigs is to be a heroin addict ******* who is covered in tatoos and can barely play. (that ain't me)
I've learned that I simply cannot win in any situation and that there is no reason to be alive other than to amuse others with my absolute misery.

Thanks for the advice but I have no way to be positive about anything. It simply isn't possible.

MilesSmiles said:

You are right about limited options. I have no valuable skills. I used to do manual labor odd-jobs all the time to fill in my income, but now my back is completely destroyed and I can barely walk.

And I have moved all over the country. being from NY never escapes you. People will ALWAYS judge me for my accent and not for my actions.

As far as leveraging things I've learned, there's really not much there. I've learned that intense hard work and dedication gets you nowhere. I've learned that the best way to network and get gigs is to be a heroin addict ******* who is covered in tatoos and can barely play. (that ain't me)
I've learned that I simply cannot win in any situation and that there is no reason to be alive other than to amuse others with my absolute misery.

Thanks for the advice but I have no way to be positive about anything. It simply isn't possible.

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I'm not sure why you cannot, for example, acquire technical skills and be employed for that. You would not be judged for your accent as you will be able to contribute in a substantial manner that is not subjective at all. Desk work would also be less stressful on your physical injuries.

Fields such as medical transcription, coding, or service desk positions are always open to people. You will have a harder time showing work experience, but it is possible.

Nepotism is a horrible thing, I do understand that.

IgnoredOne said:

I'm not sure why you cannot, for example, acquire technical skills and be employed for that. You would not be judged for your accent as you will be able to contribute in a substantial manner that is not subjective at all. Desk work would also be less stressful on your physical injuries.

Fields such as medical transcription, coding, or service desk positions are always open to people. You will have a harder time showing work experience, but it is possible.

Nepotism is a horrible thing, I do understand that.

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I'm actually in school right now, but I never learned math growing up, and the math requirements are way beyond me (in both time and ability) for any of the technical majors. I don't have the money to go to a private school where they don't make you take so much math. I go to purdue, and because I tested in to the lowest remedial math, I have to take 18 credits of math before I can even begin taking any classes in computer science, chemistry, bio, physics, etc. This TREMENDOUSLY limits my options, unless i'm willing to go to school for 7 or 8 years to get an undegrad degree (i'm not).

I'm probably going to do hotel management or something, even though I bet the day I graduate, the entire hotel industry goes under.

As for medical transport, that's out cus of the meds i'm on.

What do you mean by "coding"? If it has to do with computers, I know nothing about writing code. I just use the things to record and process audio. (and post on forums)

And what do you mean by service desk? Like fixing things? I can't fix anything, I mean it when I say I have no valuable skills.

I have been trying to find a janitor position but you wouldn't believe how hard they are to come by. And even if one is available, they'll always give it to some guy who's in his 60's.

I made sure not to socialize at all in the best years of my life, so I have NO connections whatsoever. (srsly, I have gone to 5 parties in the last 15 years, I am the definition of "loser")

If I ever have kids (I won't because women hate me) I will tell them to make sure that they never have goals, and that they go through life partying and getting wasted....I never even drank when i was in my best years, and now I couldn't if I wanted to cus of the meds...what a waste of a life man...who gives a honeysuckle if I can play donna lee at 340....really, who cares?

Hint.....no one....

1-you have something all those people didn't, this implies value. That which is rare is worth more than that which is many. a diamond is a rock like any other rock, but because it is rare, it is more highly valued.



2-Some of the greatest contributors to humanity were not those that bore many children and had many descendants, but those who lived on eternally as the ripples in the waters of life through their works and deeds.





I've done more drugs than probably anyone you've ever known on a personal level, yet i've been to even less parties than you have (i don't like parties.) I was never into drinking much. I mostly smoked pot and read a lot. I don't have a college education. I don't have ANY skills what so ever that are employable other then serving food at some shitty fast food joint. But I've lived a full life and I'm only 25. If I were to die today, my only regret would be not being able to live longer...

So as for the pain, there are alternatives to doctors.


I guess in answer to your question, are you an awful person. Probably not, usually people who are awful don't think to themselves, "Gee wizz am I shitty person?" If you kill some one because people in the past hurt you then yeah i'd say your pretty awful. Anyway I'm not much of an advice giver, so I apologize in advance if you read this far. you probably won't find any help here for your problems, I haven't. However, I've been lucky to make a few friends here and there, so I guess that's important, humans are social creatures.

Also, if you see a psychiatrist or therapist... don't tell them you think about killing people. That's a pretty natural emotion to feel in response to what you've been through, but these days your just gunna bring a hell storm upon you if you keep telling people that... just FYI... ok? Your not alone in what you've been through... remember to pity the foo', because ignorance is worse than suffering...(if you don't know this than you are ignorant...)

"Do not be fooled. There are a decent number of people out there living very decent perhaps even good or great lives. If you are not one of these people, you are not the only one. Embrace your suffering. For the artist that paints the world in the color of lives surely would tire from having only one color to choose from. There is beauty in sadness and an end to all suffering."

http://xat.com/chat/room/130710543/ that's this websites current chatroom, if you ever feel like giving it a try. Good luck to you!

Your attitude has something to do with it. There are people with prison records and thus, far less in the way of useful skills. However, your issues with math are clearly what dogs you. Medical coding has to do with recognition of cases and appropriate billing, so that you'll be responsible for the paperwork that makes sure doctors are paid; transcription is adapting the voice overs of doctors in regards to symptoms of a patient, etc, and then writing it down on paper(though this may be going the way of the dinosaur, with more accurate voice recognition software such as Dragon).

I never drank more than a single beer during my best years, for all practical purposes. However, at any rate, music is less valued than technical skills and therefore, math will be very fundamental for you. I'll be happy to help if you need assistance, being in fact, a certified tutor.

yesm said:

I guess in answer to your question, are you an awful person. Probably not, usually people who are awful don't think to themselves, "Gee wizz am I shitty person?" If you kill some one because people in the past hurt you then yeah i'd say your pretty awful.

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On the other hand, if you killed someone in the past who /did/ hurt you, you would be a small hero in my book.

IgnoredOne said:

I never drank more than a single beer during my best years, for all practical purposes. However, at any rate, music is less valued than technical skills and therefore, math will be very fundamental for you. I'll be happy to help if you need assistance, being in fact, a certified tutor.

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that's ***REALLY*** nice of you. Seriouisly. Thanks. The tutors at school get pretty upset at me when I bring in the material from my remedial class, because it's so basic for them.

It's quite the opposite for me. As far as I'm concerned, -(-((((1)))) means nothing, not -4 or whatever the hell they tell me it means...etc..

It would be nice if they made you take business/finance math, or "how to build stuff math", but no....they make you take "mystery symbols" math...a world where absolutely no things make sense...uuuggghhhhh

already failed it twice, putting me another whole year behind...maybe the 3rd times the charm?

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yesm said:

1-you have something all those people didn't, this implies value. That which is rare is worth more than that which is many. a diamond is a rock like any other rock, but because it is rare, it is more highly valued.



2-Some of the greatest contributors to humanity were not those that bore many children and had many descendants, but those who lived on eternally as the ripples in the waters of life through their works and deeds.





I've done more drugs than probably anyone you've ever known on a personal level, yet i've been to even less parties than you have (i don't like parties.) I was never into drinking much. I mostly smoked pot and read a lot. I don't have a college education. I don't have ANY skills what so ever that are employable other then serving food at some shitty fast food joint. But I've lived a full life and I'm only 25. If I were to die today, my only regret would be not being able to live longer...

So as for the pain, there are alternatives to doctors.


I guess in answer to your question, are you an awful person. Probably not, usually people who are awful don't think to themselves, "Gee wizz am I shitty person?" If you kill some one because people in the past hurt you then yeah i'd say your pretty awful. Anyway I'm not much of an advice giver, so I apologize in advance if you read this far. you probably won't find any help here for your problems, I haven't. However, I've been lucky to make a few friends here and there, so I guess that's important, humans are social creatures.

Also, if you see a psychiatrist or therapist... don't tell them you think about killing people. That's a pretty natural emotion to feel in response to what you've been through, but these days your just gunna bring a hell storm upon you if you keep telling people that... just FYI... ok? Your not alone in what you've been through... remember to pity the foo', because ignorance is worse than suffering...(if you don't know this than you are ignorant...)

"Do not be fooled. There are a decent number of people out there living very decent perhaps even good or great lives. If you are not one of these people, you are not the only one. Embrace your suffering. For the artist that paints the world in the color of lives surely would tire from having only one color to choose from. There is beauty in sadness and an end to all suffering."

http://xat.com/chat/room/130710543/ that's this websites current chatroom, if you ever feel like giving it a try. Good luck to you!

Click to expand...

Your post is beautifully written. If you don't write as a hobby or profession, you should consider it.

I've been up for 35 hours and am delirious...but I will be sure to re-read this later.

And don't underestimate the types of drugheads I grew up around...I grew up in staten island, the heroin capital of the USA...I grew up with kids who were sticking needles in between their toes at the age of 11....although, and this goes for either of us, it ain't honeysuckle to be proud of....at least I can say i'm one of the very few people I know who never shot up....

Sounds like an environment thing more than anything friend. I think you need to get away from where you are.

Sorry to hear about your business. The music business was ruined in the 60s in my opinion. When everyone decided classically trained musicians were worthless. The music industry is a hard business for those who are intelligent. After all, if you are intelligent you are harder to exploit.

As for women, i believe you are putting those thoughts in their head. You own a studio. You are your own boss. Women are turned on by that sort of thing.

One lesson I have learned. It is not about what you know it is about who you know. This is life, that is how the world works. Get used to it. There will always be that idiot who gets jobs because of his friends or family. There will always be that guy who buys love with his parents money. There is nothing you can do about it.

You are an incredible guy. Most people on this forum fall down and sit there and cry. You displayed that you fell down stood up fell again stood up. It sucks and is hard. You have done it. Be proud, for you can do more than most prove you tried.

I wanted to be a musician as well, by God I wanted to be a musician, just couldn't get it out of my head. But I made it up to myself and now I'm going for musical journalism. That's also a small market but I like a large challenge in life.

Well, business is a business. You can either succeed or not; most of the people do not succeed. The economy is horrible (globally) as well, and of course technology is advancing fast.

You survived your Middle School (you think sex, drugs, alcohol were only regarded in NYC Middle School? Your wrong, its nation-wide.) and High School. You went to Music School and survived that too. You launched a business that went good for awhile. Not your fault it went down.

You played at Berkeley?!?! You do indeed have a gift. Goes to show that gifted people like us have problems making and keeping friends.

As for friends, your 27, your not 12-24 which is the age in which friendships mean all. People your age have "work friends" in which they talk and go to the bar or a restaurant and tell jokes about work or home. Btw, its not too late for you to meet women. You just have to switch your point of view, and increase your confidence level.


Hope it helps.

you are a strong person to live through all that and a bigger person not to be like the idiots in the schools you went too. and you stood up for what is owed to you, but go for more legal action then destruction. you are far better person then most people i meet.

for math, i always see it as pattern that are repeated over and over. so when the pattern is show it just repeats its' self. this happen in music too, once the rhythm is figure out, it is repeated.

BTW: think about writing a book about your life, the general public eat that stuff right up.