Worst experience with loneliness in your life?

I'm 20 now but I guess the worst experience with loneliness I've ever had was when I was 14-15 in 9th and 10th grade. For some reason I was so shy and scared of all the other kids that that I ended up hiding in either a bathroom stall or at the individual desks at the school library every lunch period. It got really bad and I even had a couple of kids who knew that I would go hide come and bother me during my hiding by just watching me or whispering to each other how strange I was or throwing things at me. Anyway, spending 1 to 2 years in high school doing this every day really messed me up and was just the worst, most lonely time of my life. I found myself constantly trying to figure out new ways to hide so that nobody would know I was hiding from everyone. At the time it seemed a better option than sitting in the cafeteria alone for everyone to see how much of a loser lonely loner I was.

I could go on, but basically the utter isolation made me feel like Gollum/Smeagul from LOTR. In fact that character is almost a perfect description of how it feels to be perpetually alone, scared, and self-hating. Since then it's been better though. So has anyone else ever had a "low point" in their life when they were Particularly lonely, or is it more just of a constant bland/boring/numbing loneliness for you?

Pomato said:

I'm 20 now but I guess the worst experience with loneliness I've ever had was when I was 14-15 in 9th and 10th grade. For some reason I was so shy and scared of all the other kids that that I ended up hiding in either a bathroom stall or at the individual desks at the school library every lunch period.

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Yeah, I've done this before. The bathroom stalls were very much my 'safe place' from the world, where I could hide into for five or ten minutes and feel like nothing could hurt me. I also remember looking for other hiding places, but I never felt uncomfortable in class since the teachers always liked me for being the prodigy student. If anything, school proper(minus all of the social components) was one of the few specific things I prospered and loved.

I think I also loved parks and animals, though couples angered me for a long time yet something about the placid ducks and the soft buzzing of insects reminded me that I, too, had a place if I could but discover it. Nature rewarded my love with mosquito bites

for me its either both years i was in 11th grade in high school. both summers i sat in my room alone playing the few SNES games i had over and over again. any friends that i had had moved away, or moved on to other friends that did drugs. right now could be the worst for me too though. for years now i have had no real good friends around that i regularly spend time with other than my sister and roommate that i live with. and i have had no companionship my entire adult life and i am approaching 30 so it is really starting to get to me.

Easily my worst experience with loneliness was in high school. Every morning waking up with this ball of frustration in my throat and stomach. I wasn't bullied or anything like that, I just couldn't connect with people. I guess I could have made better friends by being someone I'm not, but I didn't want to. So high school was a heavy time for me. I couldn't have been happier after I graduated. Seeing the same ignorant people and teachers who doesn't give a honeysuckle really took it's toll on me at the time.

My early and mid-teens were the worst. I was trapped in a small southern town and I simply didn't relate to any of my peers, we just had nothing in common. Still don't actually, as adults we lead very different lives. I technically had people I could talk to during some of my classes, but I didn't feel close with anyone and I didn't have any best friends like I'd had when I was younger.

When they bullied me in the school 9 years... It was so awful, I was more lonely than now, no friends, nobody cared...

When i started secondary school in the uk, and i was the only brown person there, and because im asian, they all bullied me, i felt so alone. They called me "paki" (racist word for indians in the uk) and they broke my sisters nose by throwing a bottle at her face for fun.

It was a terrible time, one that i nearly ended my life, but i felt so alone, my sister is very much effected she lost all her confidence..

When I was nearly 8 years old, my family and I moved to MN. Before that time, I had always been a loner and certainly didn't feel like I had much in common with others my age. But after I moved, it was as if the bottom of my life fell out.
Those disgusting people mocked and tormented me for years on end. I had no friends whatsoever, but occasionally thought I might be making friends...until I realized that I was only being used. My family was no help at all. When I tried to talk to my parents about how I felt, my mom told me to "buck up", and my dad assumed I was just whining.
My sister, on the other hand, was doing just peachy. She fit in perfectly, which just made things worse for me at home and in the way I felt about myself.

As much as I like to imagine that the past is behind me, I have never truly gotten over those years. I still get livid when I think of those people. Whenever I pass someone in the store or in my car from that area, I want to hurt them. I want to make them suffer, and 98% of the time I don't even know them personally.

All these stories are so similar. This stuff seems to happen to us at a young age and then go on affecting us for years afterwards. Interesting. And actually it's one of the reasons why I absolutely hate some people's advice to deal with low self-esteem or loneliness. They usually try to put the blame on us, berating us for not "getting out more" or "getting involved" or for just "being too scared." So many don't understand that it starts much earlier in people's lives. You can't blame a 13 year old for suddenly becoming self-conscious in the face of his peers and descending into crippling shyness. And you can't blame an 8 year old for being a little too scared not fitting in at school. Some of us are just hyper-sensitive and introspective, even to the point where it hinders us socially, freezing our emotional/social growth at a certain point in our lives (resulting in loneliness). The next time someone tries to give me "advice" while making it perfectly clear that they don't understand all of that I'm going to have to tell them to fresia off. Just my two cents anyway...

Pomato said:

All these stories are so similar. This stuff seems to happen to us at a young age and then go on affecting us for years afterwards. Interesting. And actually it's one of the reasons why I absolutely hate some people's advice to deal with low self-esteem or loneliness. They usually try to put the blame on us, berating us for not "getting out more" or "getting involved" or for just "being too scared." So many don't understand that it starts much earlier in people's lives. You can't blame a 13 year old for suddenly becoming self-conscious in the face of his peers and descending into crippling shyness. And you can't blame an 8 year old for being a little too scared not fitting in at school. Some of us are just hyper-sensitive and introspective, even to the point where it hinders us socially, freezing our emotional/social growth at a certain point in our lives (resulting in loneliness). The next time someone tries to give me "advice" while making it perfectly clear that they don't understand all of that I'm going to have to tell them to fresia off. Just my two cents anyway...

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Yeah it did happen when you were young. But the thing is, you're 20 now. You're no longer 8. It's been said that you can't change what has happened to you when you were young, but as an adult, you can change how you respond to things because who else is going to be responsible for your life if you aren't?

I kind of get what you're trying to say but I think you misunderstand the intentions of people. They're not blaming you, everyone has a story for having low self esteem as you can see here, but we all know that as an adult, you need to overcome your struggles.

Sometimes it's just a change of perspective. About a year ago, I worked in a Kids Edu Centre. I have a student - she's about 8 years old, quite bright, cute and studious. Then there was this new student, a girl, about her age but a different race to her. This girl had big, wirey, thick hair while the other girl had smooth, silky, straight hair. The wirey haired girl was a minority race in the country. So this other girl (nice smooth hair) was teasing her and making fun of her hair. I kinda felt for the other girl, but I was thinking 'man that girl (the bully) is stupid, but she's only 8, what the hell does she know about anything?' Now you are 20, and if you see a kid being bullied by another kid, you'd think the bullier is just an idiot, right? You don't think much about it. You won't give him much thought because these people are a waste of time thinking about or getting down about. You don't go into why and how the victim would suffer low self esteem and will not be comfortable in his own skin forever etc etc. You don't because you just know, they're kids and they're idiots. But look at how it has affected a lot of us. I think its because we give so much importance to the event. I'm not trying to say its not a big deal. It was, but it shouldn't be anymore, because now you are more educated, you are more mature and you know about these things. If you realize how stupid these bullies are, you'd just get on with your life and try to enjoy and discover and appreciate yourself.

I agree. You don't have to be afraid of the things you were afraid of when your were 14 years old. You're pretty much your own, responsible man now. Kids are idiots and there isn't anything crueler than a badly raised little child. Childhood is a mockery, so is living to an old age, when you can't take care for yourself. Sadly it's something everyone need to go through.

The worst for me was when I trick
myself or took advice of lving alone
after a relationship break up
or a death of a love one.
6 month it was Okay..I guess..


I adjsuted to living alone believing
it was peacful in my sulitude..

Slowly..it turned into depression
and isolations...Then it got into
cabin fever . I didnt know what day or month it was. I spent most of my
waking hours messing with a PC animation software staying up for days at a time...who know???
I slowly stopped going outside.

I was in a total mental fog...Feeling lonely was progress for me.lol

I dug myself a deep ass hole
with a muddy bottom. It was a major
***** to get out of that rut.

---

What help me was....I remeber what
it was like to be well....

But I aslo to accept where I was at..at the time.

I pulled my rusty healthy living tools
that I put away. I started to using them and applying them again.

At the sametime...I still remain open
to new ideas and ways of living.

My life is not perfect today...but it
had been a total adventure for the past 2 yrs..Lonely I wasnt

I also remember what its like to be wild and crazzy!!!! .

---

I was like that charctor in
" City of Angle"
After Jenni death I couldnt get her
out of my mind . I went into devisttion
and non stop crying for a couple weeks...Which started a slow process of me not going outside. Id see her face and vioce everywhere I went.
I thought see was haunting me..
Sometimes Id catch myself talking to her as if she was still alive. So I didnt
want people to see talking to myseff.lol

I felt like a total wack...tears in my eyes and hearing vioces.. I started wearing a hoody and shades everywhere I went...
Isolating myself.. I didnt want any interaction with people. even if i went out in public.

For a long time I couldnt find peace or accept her death. Jenni'* death forever changed me..

i think that a lot of kids will say that high school was their low point, including me. high school is a horrible place to be, but it can also be the best years of your life. it's an enigma like that.

i was like you, except i never hid. i was always in plain sight, just checking out the cool kids and the hot chicks. i was too fat and ugly to hang out with them. i guess every high school is different, and this was the law that ruled in mine.

boy i'll tell ya, if it weren't for my high school sweetheart, i would have probably, literally gone nuts. i was never picked on in high school. i was just always lonely and alone. not even my two so called "best friends" that i grew up with would hang out with me. they formed their own cliques and left me out of them. i guess that's just the way that things are.

Mine was this.

1980 December, last day at school. We were having this school disco type thing. I was 12 years old. John Lennon had just been shot and I remember they played Strawberry Fields as a tribute. And then they played something by the Sex pistols and all these kids started 'head banging' - lol

Anyway to encourage the kids to dance they picked out one boy and one girl. They danced to the record and when it finished both of them picked new partners. This went on and on until everybody was dancing.

So I sat there waiting for somebody to pick me. I was confident a girl would. My friends started getting picked. And well, I think you can guess what happened. I didn't get picked and they eventually stopped the music. Everybody was on the dance floor expect me. I'm not sure I wasn't the only boy though, they may have been two others sat at the back. (may have been !)

So that's it. I always remember it. It was the first time something like it had happened. I didn't get picked. I feel it was a pre warning as what my life would be like. And of course it's been happening ever since.


And before anybody says, it didn't knock my confidence. For some stupid reason I thought finding a girlfriend would be easy. I thought I would be as good as everybody else. My mother kept telling me how 'bonny' I was as a child. And I believed her, thought the girls would like me. And at around the age of 18 to 21 I realized they didn't.

My entire 12 years of school were a nightmare...although I do not have the best memory; I recall clearly even some moments of great sadness from as early as kindergarten.

As a kindergarten, the teacher would escort me and hold my hand to the front of the line to enter the gym for phys ed class...because all the other kids would harass me otherwise. I remember walking down and the kids all pulling their eyes back and sticking out their tongues. I didn't understand back then...I was only 5 or 6 maybe.

As I entered Elementary, Junior High, and High School - I was bullied and sometimes physically attacked - punched and shoved in lockers (and by boys twice my size even!) - for being "a ******* ugly Chinese girl". At Grade Four; I had girls saying that I fresia my brother and enjoy sucking his cock and swallowing his cum. Grade Fourers are only about 10 years old. This is how children talk?!
I remember being humiliated one time in Junior High as a group of about 8 large guys circled around me and said "You're the ugliest ******* girl to ever exist" and they continued on for quite a bit.

Even the teachers were of no help! I recall one religion class - the teacher was intently interested and enjoyed listening to one students opinion on how interracial relationships are wrong and interracial children are undesirable and ugly. The other classmates joined in as well...and the one race that they pointed out again and again - the Chinese.

There are so many moments...if I wasn't being bullied at school, I was being bullied walking from my home on my way to the bus, on the bus, on the way back and even in shopping malls. Sometimes it wasn't even my classmates - strangers were very rude to me as well.

I could write a **** novel on my experiences...I share this with you because I want to drive my next point.

Pomato said:

All these stories are so similar. This stuff seems to happen to us at a young age and then go on affecting us for years afterwards. Interesting. And actually it's one of the reasons why I absolutely hate some people's advice to deal with low self-esteem or loneliness. They usually try to put the blame on us, berating us for not "getting out more" or "getting involved" or for just "being too scared." So many don't understand that it starts much earlier in people's lives. You can't blame a 13 year old for suddenly becoming self-conscious in the face of his peers and descending into crippling shyness. And you can't blame an 8 year old for being a little too scared not fitting in at school. Some of us are just hyper-sensitive and introspective, even to the point where it hinders us socially, freezing our emotional/social growth at a certain point in our lives (resulting in loneliness). The next time someone tries to give me "advice" while making it perfectly clear that they don't understand all of that I'm going to have to tell them to fresia off. Just my two cents anyway...

Click to expand...

I have had to experience racism day-after-day for 12 years and look into the eyes of so many evil, hateful, ignorant people.
No one is going to blame a 13 or 8 year old!
However, if one is 20, 30, 40 - and the school years have ended - it's time to move on!
I am proud to say that I am one to give advice such as "Get out there" "Be more involved" because that is what I've done to pull myself up - all on my own!
I would not be proud to help people self-indulge in their misery.

I struggled with so much self-hatred (I hated myself for being Chinese, hated my race and culture and everything else because I felt it was responsible for how I have suffered); I wanted to either be Black or White; I didn't go outside or public places; I was suicidal; I prayed for death...I can't even fully describe how destroyed and crippled I was.
I let it consume me to so many years "Why me?" "Why couldn't I have had friends and been happy?" "Why couldn't I have been like all my other classmates?"

I've moved on to the point where I accept what has happened.
I still do not find A LOT of success from "getting out there" and "getting more involved" "working on myself" by meeting new people, joining community events, persuing interests etc...but I've had some minor successes! And you know what - each success is a positive!
I still get rejected and am disliked often - without reason - but life moves on.

I refuse to let my childhood/teen years destroy the rest of my life when I'm in my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and so forth!
If that's how some people choose to live - and yes, we do have a choice - that is up to them.

I still am shy and have a lot of self-esteem issues; but I'm working on it!
Again - I refuse to let my past cripple my present and future.

If I share advice on any of your future threads or anyone elses - it's because I HAVE BEEN THERE and I AM SHARING WHAT HAS WORKED.
If people refuse my advice - then fine. I just hope they work something out one day.

No need to take offense...I just thought that I would shed some light on this. I've had one too many people gripe about my (positive) attitude but I only share what has worked for me in hopes that it will help others as well.

Definitely my Middle School years were the worst, thats why I went into homeschool. We'll see soon enough next year if my High School years will be my worst as well, which I have a good feeling it will not.

Anyway, the worst feeling that I could relate to was being seen in public as alone. Walking into school in the morning, everyone was with their group; you just had no idea where to stand and wait for the bell. It was awkward to see so many people talking and your just...quiet. And lunch, I used to either sit alone or somedays just walk around or stay in the bathroom; being seen as alone while everyone else was with someone was the worst feeling. And after school, also tough. You would see EVERYONE slowly walking towards the exit, with their phones in hand, texting or calling their friends. They would walk slowly as a group towards their home. I was always the first one out, I walked quickly, I wanted to be out of their line of sight as quickly as possible.


As far as my first year of homeschooled High School, its not bad. Sure I'm alone, but at least I have hope for next year when I move.

Luna said:

My entire 12 years of school were a nightmare...although I do not have the best memory; I recall clearly even some moments of great sadness from as early as kindergarten.

As a kindergarten, the teacher would escort me and hold my hand to the front of the line to enter the gym for phys ed class...because all the other kids would harass me otherwise. I remember walking down and the kids all pulling their eyes back and sticking out their tongues. I didn't understand back then...I was only 5 or 6 maybe.

As I entered Elementary, Junior High, and High School - I was bullied and sometimes physically attacked - punched and shoved in lockers (and by boys twice my size even!) - for being "a ******* ugly Chinese girl". At Grade Four; I had girls saying that I fresia my brother and enjoy sucking his cock and swallowing his cum. Grade Fourers are only about 10 years old. This is how children talk?!
I remember being humiliated one time in Junior High as a group of about 8 large guys circled around me and said "You're the ugliest ******* girl to ever exist" and they continued on for quite a bit.

Even the teachers were of no help! I recall one religion class - the teacher was intently interested and enjoyed listening to one students opinion on how interracial relationships are wrong and interracial children are undesirable and ugly. The other classmates joined in as well...and the one race that they pointed out again and again - the Chinese.

There are so many moments...if I wasn't being bullied at school, I was being bullied walking from my home on my way to the bus, on the bus, on the way back and even in shopping malls. Sometimes it wasn't even my classmates - strangers were very rude to me as well.

I could write a **** novel on my experiences...I share this with you because I want to drive my next point.

Pomato said:

All these stories are so similar. This stuff seems to happen to us at a young age and then go on affecting us for years afterwards. Interesting. And actually it's one of the reasons why I absolutely hate some people's advice to deal with low self-esteem or loneliness. They usually try to put the blame on us, berating us for not "getting out more" or "getting involved" or for just "being too scared." So many don't understand that it starts much earlier in people's lives. You can't blame a 13 year old for suddenly becoming self-conscious in the face of his peers and descending into crippling shyness. And you can't blame an 8 year old for being a little too scared not fitting in at school. Some of us are just hyper-sensitive and introspective, even to the point where it hinders us socially, freezing our emotional/social growth at a certain point in our lives (resulting in loneliness). The next time someone tries to give me "advice" while making it perfectly clear that they don't understand all of that I'm going to have to tell them to fresia off. Just my two cents anyway...

Click to expand...

I have had to experience racism day-after-day for 12 years and look into the eyes of so many evil, hateful, ignorant people.
No one is going to blame a 13 or 8 year old!
However, if one is 20, 30, 40 - and the school years have ended - it's time to move on!
I am proud to say that I am one to give advice such as "Get out there" "Be more involved" because that is what I've done to pull myself up - all on my own!
I would not be proud to help people self-indulge in their misery.

I struggled with so much self-hatred (I hated myself for being Chinese, hated my race and culture and everything else because I felt it was responsible for how I have suffered); I wanted to either be Black or White; I didn't go outside or public places; I was suicidal; I prayed for death...I can't even fully describe how destroyed and crippled I was.
I let it consume me to so many years "Why me?" "Why couldn't I have had friends and been happy?" "Why couldn't I have been like all my other classmates?"

I've moved on to the point where I accept what has happened.
I still do not find A LOT of success from "getting out there" and "getting more involved" "working on myself" by meeting new people, joining community events, persuing interests etc...but I've had some minor successes! And you know what - each success is a positive!
I still get rejected and am disliked often - without reason - but life moves on.

I refuse to let my childhood/teen years destroy the rest of my life when I'm in my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and so forth!
If that's how some people choose to live - and yes, we do have a choice - that is up to them.

I still am shy and have a lot of self-esteem issues; but I'm working on it!
Again - I refuse to let my past cripple my present and future.

If I share advice on any of your future threads or anyone elses - it's because I HAVE BEEN THERE and I AM SHARING WHAT HAS WORKED.
If people refuse my advice - then fine. I just hope they work something out one day.

No need to take offense...I just thought that I would shed some light on this. I've had one too many people gripe about my (positive) attitude but I only share what has worked for me in hopes that it will help others as well.

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Darn.....you can't be that ugly....sorry to hear about all that though. But yeah, I've been called ugly, fat, short, you name it.

Although, I notice there's quite a few Asians on here who grew up in the West who are facing social/loneliness problems. Is it because it's a 'race' thing?

I"m just curious because where I live, the minority race are the Indians but I swear, I've not met a lonely Indian with social problems before. They really have the gift of the gab, socialize pretty well and get along with other races. They are not shy too. So although sometimes they face racism from the other major races, but somehow they're very boisterous, outgoing and extroverted. It's like whenever an Indian is seated at a table, they become the centre of their attention and I think its because of their flamboyance. When they talk, they're very animated, funny, etc.

Yeah so I didn't read all the responses to the last post I made, but after glancing at it a lot of it seems to be the kind of thing I was talking about - people telling me I'm 20 and to move on, as if it's my fault for dwelling on the past and as if it's merely will power that will make me stop doing that. That really just goes against everything my therapist has been telling me, and so I don't even want to read it - I'm already doing a cognitive-behaviour program that seems to be working for me based on different principles. So I think I'll just leave this board alone then and listen to my doc. Maybe it's different if you have a diagnosable psychological problem like I do. But anyway, I get the feeling that my honesty on this board has just caused me to feel worse. Bye.

Luna, you survived all that, you just have to be one of the most strong-willed people in the world. **** I never have gotten bullied as much as you have! And your still moving forward..

And yes your right we have to move forward. Being a teen myself I know that I still have an opportunity to make friends. I won't let my loneliness or sadness interfere.

We can ALL improve.

Pomato said:

Yeah so I didn't read all the responses to the last post I made, but after glancing at it a lot of it seems to be the kind of thing I was talking about - people telling me I'm 20 and to move on, as if it's my fault for dwelling on the past and as if it's merely will power that will make me stop doing that. That really just goes against everything my therapist has been telling me, and so I don't even want to read it - I'm already doing a cognitive-behaviour program that seems to be working for me based on different principles. So I think I'll just leave this board alone then and listen to my doc. Maybe it's different if you have a diagnosable psychological problem like I do. But anyway, I get the feeling that my honesty on this board has just caused me to feel worse. Bye.

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But I thought you said your therapist told you the same thing as we did? And CBT IS will power! It's based on doing things without involving your feelings.