MechanicalMishka
Active member
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2011
- Messages
- 37
- Reaction score
- 0
I'm 23, Male, Russian. Broken, hopeless, forgotten.
Thought I'd find some people to communicate with at least since I got nobody left in life. Maybe this will help me, maybe not. Hey, maybe I could help someone, too.
So here I am, after a long-lasting depression I finally had meaning in life but then it was taken from me again along with my hopes and dreams. An experience I would not wish on an enemy. I was depressed, apathetic and suicidal before and now I'm almost at the same exact spot but time has passed, things look even more grim and now I know for sure there's no hope left for me.
My life mishappened. And I'm ok with that. My only purpose in life seems to continously bring suffering onto myself and others. And I'm fine with this too. I'm certain it's impossible for me to carry on for a lifetime. At some point I'll have to end it as it is extremely painful to exist with my brain functioning the way it does.
I already tried living a normal life, felt genuine happines, reaching success effortlessly, overcoming fears and doubts easily, tasting the most wonderful sensations as a reward. But my life was no longer needed, it was handed back to me with a "sorry". Now I'm loved by no one, needed by no one, thought about by no one. And this makes me spiteful.
I know how I'll die. The arrangements are all in order. The thought of at least having an option of exit gives me some comfort. I can be cold-hearted and determined and I know I won't falter. Just not now, not so soon.
Why? I act like there is a flicker of hope left. I'm trying to help myself, don't I? By this message I let out subtle (more like obvious to you) cries for help. Maybe I'll stick around this place, hopefully.
So this post makes me oficially lonely. Will I post the thread already or just scrap it... and move along... Won't be the first time for me to ctrl-A the whole thing and delete it leaving a profile with 0 posts.
It's been half an hour since I started making it. It's so hard keep track of time when you're lost in thought. I'm nervous. I'll probably vanish for some time after posting and check back later, need to smoke a cig and calm down a bit. I feel the social anxiety is slowly coming back.
So um... hello?
Thought I'd find some people to communicate with at least since I got nobody left in life. Maybe this will help me, maybe not. Hey, maybe I could help someone, too.
So here I am, after a long-lasting depression I finally had meaning in life but then it was taken from me again along with my hopes and dreams. An experience I would not wish on an enemy. I was depressed, apathetic and suicidal before and now I'm almost at the same exact spot but time has passed, things look even more grim and now I know for sure there's no hope left for me.
My life mishappened. And I'm ok with that. My only purpose in life seems to continously bring suffering onto myself and others. And I'm fine with this too. I'm certain it's impossible for me to carry on for a lifetime. At some point I'll have to end it as it is extremely painful to exist with my brain functioning the way it does.
I already tried living a normal life, felt genuine happines, reaching success effortlessly, overcoming fears and doubts easily, tasting the most wonderful sensations as a reward. But my life was no longer needed, it was handed back to me with a "sorry". Now I'm loved by no one, needed by no one, thought about by no one. And this makes me spiteful.
I know how I'll die. The arrangements are all in order. The thought of at least having an option of exit gives me some comfort. I can be cold-hearted and determined and I know I won't falter. Just not now, not so soon.
Why? I act like there is a flicker of hope left. I'm trying to help myself, don't I? By this message I let out subtle (more like obvious to you) cries for help. Maybe I'll stick around this place, hopefully.
So this post makes me oficially lonely. Will I post the thread already or just scrap it... and move along... Won't be the first time for me to ctrl-A the whole thing and delete it leaving a profile with 0 posts.
It's been half an hour since I started making it. It's so hard keep track of time when you're lost in thought. I'm nervous. I'll probably vanish for some time after posting and check back later, need to smoke a cig and calm down a bit. I feel the social anxiety is slowly coming back.
So um... hello?