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MechanicalMishka

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Jul 31, 2011
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I'm 23, Male, Russian. Broken, hopeless, forgotten.

Thought I'd find some people to communicate with at least since I got nobody left in life. Maybe this will help me, maybe not. Hey, maybe I could help someone, too.

So here I am, after a long-lasting depression I finally had meaning in life but then it was taken from me again along with my hopes and dreams. An experience I would not wish on an enemy. I was depressed, apathetic and suicidal before and now I'm almost at the same exact spot but time has passed, things look even more grim and now I know for sure there's no hope left for me.

My life mishappened. And I'm ok with that. My only purpose in life seems to continously bring suffering onto myself and others. And I'm fine with this too. I'm certain it's impossible for me to carry on for a lifetime. At some point I'll have to end it as it is extremely painful to exist with my brain functioning the way it does.

I already tried living a normal life, felt genuine happines, reaching success effortlessly, overcoming fears and doubts easily, tasting the most wonderful sensations as a reward. But my life was no longer needed, it was handed back to me with a "sorry". Now I'm loved by no one, needed by no one, thought about by no one. And this makes me spiteful.

I know how I'll die. The arrangements are all in order. The thought of at least having an option of exit gives me some comfort. I can be cold-hearted and determined and I know I won't falter. Just not now, not so soon.

Why? I act like there is a flicker of hope left. I'm trying to help myself, don't I? By this message I let out subtle (more like obvious to you) cries for help. Maybe I'll stick around this place, hopefully.

So this post makes me oficially lonely. Will I post the thread already or just scrap it... and move along... Won't be the first time for me to ctrl-A the whole thing and delete it leaving a profile with 0 posts.

It's been half an hour since I started making it. It's so hard keep track of time when you're lost in thought. I'm nervous. I'll probably vanish for some time after posting and check back later, need to smoke a cig and calm down a bit. I feel the social anxiety is slowly coming back.

So um... hello?
 
привет.

Welcome to ALL. I'm sorry to hear about how bad things were for you and what happened - what was your purpose in life that you lost? Your English is incredibly good, and I have to express my admiration for that.
 
Hey, i'll talk to you whenever you wanna, i'm on a lot so just pm me and it shouldn't be too long before i reply, (unless i'm asleep:))
 
Oh I appreciate the welcomes. Feels good to have friendly positive replies, thank you.

IgnoredOne said:
привет.

Welcome to ALL. I'm sorry to hear about how bad things were for you and what happened - what was your purpose in life that you lost? Your English is incredibly good, and I have to express my admiration for that.

Привет.
Thank you for complimenting my English, it is my chance for communicating with people outside of former Soviet Union space, a luxury option most of my 'comrades' don't have available, as you may well know.

It's difficult for me to share my story at this time. A bit later I'll post it here, I promise. I feel like I need to let it out for someone to read through and know about it.

Once again, thank you for welcoming me.
 
Heya, and welcome to ALL. Sounds like you're in a real nasty spot. Wish I could impart some greater wisdom and savvy insights into how to try and cultivate a more positive outlook on life...but I'm no good at that sort of thing. Lack life experience and credibility as any sort of sage, anyhow.

Haven't met all that many folks from across the border (well, may have met, but never really got into knowing any Russians)- and online, yeah, seems most times that if you don't know Russian, you're out of luck talking to a majority of them. :) Still, hopefully ALL will have an answer to alleviate your crushing hopelessness into mere melancholy.

I think that A Lonely Life presents at least a moderate chance of hope, making it possible for lonely people to talk to each other and thus, be a tad less lonely. I've found at least a few good folks here to talk to on a regular basis, and it's helped with the worst stings of loneliness I get from being cooped up home, alone.

Always looking to talk to new people, by the way- you can always PM me if seems like everybody else is engaged in their own worries.
 
MechanicalMishka said:
Привет.
Thank you for complimenting my English, it is my chance for communicating with people outside of former Soviet Union space, a luxury option most of my 'comrades' don't have available, as you may well know.

It's difficult for me to share my story at this time. A bit later I'll post it here, I promise. I feel like I need to let it out for someone to read through and know about it.

Once again, thank you for welcoming me.

I've had the distinct privilege of working with a woman attached to Spesnatz Vympel and despite my experiences, I feel assured that had I been deployed with them, I would not have survived what they had survived. Your country makes for some incredibly tough and impressive men and women, and I am sure that in your own way, you are no different, so that does make me wish to hear your story all the more.
 
Now I'm back finally and will be posting shortly. I was constantly thinking about you guys and this forum. Thank you for accepting me.
 
здравствуйте! Меня зовут Варя. :)

I studied Russian years ago in college, and even studied in the USSR in 1990 in then-Leningrad. Good times. Russians are among the most hospitable people I've met.

I've forgotten a lot of my Russian though. :/
 

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