My essay for guys who have never dated

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hasbeenlonely

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I came across this site and wanted to spend 15 minutes giving advice to those who have never had a girlfriend. Anyway, I have led, to some degree a lonely life - until about 10 years ago. I had my first girlfriend at 24 (I'm 43), then was lonely on and off over the years, until I developed the skills to actively date and seek out female company (sex, affection etc etc). I really feel for those who are going through this now, I know what it's like.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you all capable in terms of dating (those - usually guys - who want to improve their dating skills and experience).

Anyway, how could I look back and see what I was like and how I could change things? I'll spend 15 minutes and make a list of ideas, starting at the basics. Those who read this here can freely copy this list and post it wherever.

1) Make an inventory of how you are at this present moment. You don't have a girlfriend (say...). You've never kissed a woman. Whatever. You think of suicide daily. You are profoundly unhappy. Valentines day makes you feel lonely, just as you feel when you see couples hold hands. You think "If only, my life would be so much better". The idea is to provide a degree of focus for your metamorphis.

2) Write down what you want. A girlfriend. To hold hands in public. Sex. Affection. A family. Whatever. You need to know where you're going. But that's pretty obvious.

3) This is my controversial bit. I make no apologies for what I am about to say. If you are in your 20's, 30's, 40's or 50's, and have not dated ever or more than 15 years ago I am about to suggest that you change things and do things that some people will disagree with. However, the people who disagree with me usually would have had a 'normal' dating life.

Stage 1. Find someone similar who is going through the same thing. That way you two can buddy up and talk about things. Use the telephone, rather than chat or email. You can be on the other side of the world, it doesn't matter. However, this is not mandatory.

Stage 2. Are you shy? Are you anxious? Do you know that this is treatable? Look up "social phobia" online, there are places that treat it. Yes, I've had treatment. It changed my life. I only wish I had it at 18 rather than at 36.

Stage 3. Go to the library and get out every book on dating. You need positive reinforcement. You may disagree with some or all but you need to be in a dating frame of mind. Even if you never read them, they are just reminding you that you want to date.

Stage 4. Pick someone that you wouldn't date. Someone who is much older. Another race. Totally unattractive. Lacking in intelligence. Someone with 10 children. Someone just out of prison. Basically, you need experience, and you need someone, anyone who can offer you that experience.

Stage 5. Flirt with them. They ignore you? Who cares, you didn't want to date them anyway! Try out different techniques. Pretend that you have an exciting past. Make up stories. Women like stories, and they like story tellers. Ignore any ethical onsiderations. Remember how you spent 104 Friday and Saturday nights last year alone in your bedroom, then decide if you really care about ethics. Or how you used to go out to McDonalds just for company on those nights.

Stage 6. Try out different sayings. "I'd like to get to know you" is always flattering. So is "I've been thinking of you as you've got your cold/job interview/parents staying/etc ...". You aren't trying to propose, you're just trying to *get a reaction*. Why is this important? When you're learning, any reaction is better than none. Women are very diverse, what works for one won't necessarily work for another. Each time you say something new, it gets easier to say something. You can start off with "that shirt looks nice" and end up with "maybe next time we'll play naked twister".

Remember, a reaction is what you want. You aren't trying to be a 'jerk'. A jerk won't call the next day. You will.

Stage 7. Dump any negative theories you have about women in general. That they're all gold diggers. They only date jerks. That they're all shallow. That size does matter, that they wouldn't date you. That they wouldn't date you because you've never had a girlfriend. Unless you have two heads, someone probably would date you.

Stage 8. Travel. Someone did a survey on Youth Hostel and discovered that 99% of the single people who backpack have had a backpacking relationship. That's an awful lot of people out there. Ok, you may not make something permanent during that part of your life, but you can try out things that you just would never be able to do at home. In another city, you can be whoever you want to be. Pretend. Make up stories. "That reminds me when I was 18 and borrowed my brothers..." Be someone you're not.

Stage 9. Consider visiting an poor country. They are inexpensive to live in, Ok you need to learn a language but some countries with a British history have English as a common language. Kenya, as an example. Have a holiday romance. You will be seen as a "rich foreigner". That's not going to work against you.

Stage 10. Keep up your momentum. You might find that when you have setbacks, you want to crawl inside your shell again. That is perfectly normal to want that, but try to push through it. Remember, someone would date you. You just need to meet them.

Notes

As the guy, you will be expected to initiate the first kiss. I've got one simple rule for first kisses: the woman should know you're about to kiss her. Take her hand. Or give her a long hug. Look into her eyes, and hold it there. If she pulls away, she's not interested. Talk about it. Maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe not. If after 5 seconds of eye contact she hasn't moved away, move towards her and kiss her.

Expect to fall head over heels for your first love. Do not be too upset if you two do not last. Take her photo, you don't want your first love to be just a memory. Backup.

The more you date, the easier it gets. When I go out on a date, I think back to previous dates/girlfriends and relive experiences. I remember achievements. "If I could do it then, I can do it now".

Warnings

Probably the only 2 things you really need to know about are: accidental pregnancy and sexual diseases. Neither is good. Unfortunately men don't have real fertility choices, and it is my own personal opinion that condoms are not suitable as the only form of contraception as they have a too high failure rate.

Well, my 15 minutes turned out to be nearly an hour.

Look after yourself. If you are really lonely, please do something about it. Don't let the years turn into decades.
 
Reading dating books makes me depressed, because it's all about manipulation. How to trick her while she is tricking you also. There is no love in there.

That they wouldn't date you because you've never had a girlfriend.
I'm afraid that this one is true.
 
It's true, dating is about manipulation. Showing your best side. My last girlfriend before we got together manipulated me in the following way:

Whenever I visited her place she would tidy up beforehand, sometimes she can be untidy
She eats a lot of junk food, I don't remember her eating much in front of me
She sometimes doesn't call back friends for a day or so if they've left a message, I don't remember her doing that to me

These are not big manipulations, in fact it's flattering that she'd act different around me.

Women can decide for any number of reasons why they don't want to date you. Too tall, too short, wrong job, wrong personality, has children, doesn't have children, the list goes on. Not having had a relationship is in there as well. But women in general do not act that way, they are all individuals.

I'll try to find you a woman who will date you even though you have never had a girlfriend. There are two catches: you'll need to travel to my city in New Zealand, and it won't last more than 2 or 3 months. Private message me.
 
hasbeenlonely said:
Stage 4. Pick someone that you wouldn't date. Someone who is much older. Another race. Totally unattractive. Lacking in intelligence. Someone with 10 children. Someone just out of prison. Basically, you need experience, and you need someone, anyone who can offer you that experience.

amazing kinder using but I like it.

hasbeenlonely said:
Stage 5. Flirt with them. They ignore you? Who cares, you didn't want to date them anyway! Try out different techniques. Pretend that you have an exciting past. Make up stories. Women like stories, and they like story tellers. Ignore any ethical onsiderations. Remember how you spent 104 Friday and Saturday nights last year alone in your bedroom, then decide if you really care about ethics. Or how you used to go out to McDonalds just for company on those nights.


Yea That dose make me think different about ethics. And who knows you may even make her night as well. So your saying be interesting even if you have to elaborate.

hasbeenlonely said:
Remember, a reaction is what you want. You aren't trying to be a 'jerk'. A jerk won't call the next day. You will.

true,

hasbeenlonely said:
Stage 7. Dump any negative theories you have about women in general. That they're all gold diggers. They only date jerks. That they're all shallow. That size does matter, that they wouldn't date you. That they wouldn't date you because you've never had a girlfriend. Unless you have two heads, someone probably would date you.

This bit relay spook to me as I do have a deformity but I Guss I use that as an excuse sometimes.


hasbeenlonely said:
As the guy, you will be expected to initiate the first kiss. I've got one simple rule for first kisses: the woman should know you're about to kiss her. Take her hand. Or give her a long hug. Look into her eyes, and hold it there. If she pulls away, she's not interested. Talk about it. Maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe not. If after 5 seconds of eye contact she hasn't moved away, move towards her and kiss her.

useful, That's always arkward, How do you know whether she wants you to kiss her are not.


hasbeenlonely said:
Probably the only 2 things you really need to know about are: accidental pregnancy and sexual diseases. Neither is good. Unfortunately men don't have real fertility choices, and it is my own personal opinion that condoms are not suitable as the only form of contraception as they have a too high failure rate.

lol and to what I can remember about condoms is that I hated them any way. haha Guss that makes me a normal man :)

hasbeenlonely said:
Well, my 15 minutes turned out to be nearly an hour.

Am glad you took the time out. I actually found it useful and inspiring.

You meest Stage 11 Get hasbeenlonely to take you down town and help you pull ;)

I would say that I have a problem with taking a girl out that I don't fancy but then I have even moor of a problem in staying in every night. And she may be doing just the same. She may rather be out with someone she don't fancy but just having a laugh with. So it can be a win win thing.
 
hasbeenlonely said:
Try out different techniques. Pretend that you have an exciting past. Make up stories. Women like stories, and they like story tellers. Ignore any ethical onsiderations.
okay so basically... bcome a liar w/no character
hasbeenlonely said:
It's true, dating is about manipulation. Showing your best side.
this should say unhealthy dating is about manipulation. this is also called a facade


okay so altogether weve got..... bcome a liar w/no character who manipulates women & sets up a facade


fantastic advice :rolleyes:
 
NewBirth said:
hasbeenlonely said:
Try out different techniques. Pretend that you have an exciting past. Make up stories. Women like stories, and they like story tellers. Ignore any ethical onsiderations.
okay so basically... bcome a liar w/no character
hasbeenlonely said:
It's true, dating is about manipulation. Showing your best side.
this should say unhealthy dating is about manipulation. this is also called a facade


okay so altogether weve got..... bcome a liar w/no character who manipulates women & sets up a facade


fantastic advice :rolleyes:

Well I think that right there says a lot about many of us.

I am meaning that many of us here will not conform to certain society norms. I don't think there is anything wrong with that but I have learned that I will have to accept my loneliness because I am different than the majority. Oh btw I felt had to chime in because I am one of those that has never had a girlfriend and at my rate never will.
 
The reason that I said to lie is because the thing stopping people like myself 20 years ago getting a girlfriend is because of something inside me. If you are happy not having a girlfriend then please ignore my suggestions but that is not why I wrote it, if you are happy not having had one then why are you on this website?

I have been where you have, and thought "will I ever get a girlfriend?" to myself many times. I imagined being an old man who had never had one, who had never had sex or held the hand of a woman who loved me.

I honestly thought it was beyond me.

It still makes me unhappy to think back to those dark days, when I had never kissed a woman (one girl did kiss me at age 6, I guess I should feel honoured). Occassionally someone someone asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend and I didn't know what to say.

Now I am looking back into the past and see guys who may be in the same situation as me, and know what it is like. I ask myself what I could do to help people who had never had a girlfriend. The answer is what I wrote in the original posting.

I know now more than I know then. I do not have to lie to get a girlfriend. That is not the issue. The issue is to build layer upon layer of confidence. Each time I repeat a dating related action, I feel more confident. What I want is for you guys to slowly build up more confidence.

In my second message I offered to someone who replied to my post to try to find him a short term girlfriend, but he had to come to my city to meet her. That offer stands for anyone else who wants to come here.
 
Well too bad thats in new zeland or I might try and take you up on that offer hehe.
 
Thank you for the advice... it's just that the truth about dating is too depressing. :( Is it impossible to meet a girl and just be together honestly? Without playing games, but simply because you genuinely love each other? I don't know. I don't want a girlfriend who hides her junk food from me, because that means she doesn't feel close to me.
 
mimizu said:
Thank you for the advice... it's just that the truth about dating is too depressing. :( Is it impossible to meet a girl and just be together honestly? Without playing games, but simply because you genuinely love each other? I don't know. I don't want a girlfriend who hides her junk food from me, because that means she doesn't feel close to me.

My comments about my last girlfriend were before we got involved, I used them to show that she wanted to make a good impression. There were no game playing involved. I think you'll find that almost always women do not hide things from their boyfriends, well in my experience that is the case. I think that you are worrying unnecessarily.
 
hasbeenlonely said:
I've got one simple rule for first kisses: the woman should know you're about to kiss her. Take her hand. Or give her a long hug. Look into her eyes, and hold it there. If she pulls away, she's not interested. Talk about it. Maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe not. If after 5 seconds of eye contact she hasn't moved away, move towards her and kiss her.

Hahaha VERY important! DO NOT STEAL KISSES..
 
mimizu said:
What's stealing kisses?

lol My Guss would be if you was to kiss a girl and she kissed you back just because she didn't have the heart to tell you to get lost.

But if they let you do that then that's there problem lollol Not realy, I would hate to think a girl did that for me. I would love to think that she wonted it as much as me. Makes the kiss that much moor enjoyable and loving
 
mimizu said:
What's stealing kisses?

Stealing a kiss means you kiss a woman when she is not expecting it. I don't recommend it, unless you've kissed her before. Then you can steal kisses all the time. It's quite risky, I've never done it, if she doesn't like it say goodbye to any future chance of kissing.
 
hasbeenlonely said:
The reason that I said to lie is because the thing stopping people like myself 20 years ago getting a girlfriend is because of something inside me. If you are happy not having a girlfriend then please ignore my suggestions but that is not why I wrote it, if you are happy not having had one then why are you on this website?
the point is that theres other options besides just these 2...
lie and have dates
or
be honest and no dates
hasbeenlonely said:
I know now more than I know then. I do not have to lie to get a girlfriend. That is not the issue. The issue is to build layer upon layer of confidence. Each time I repeat a dating related action, I feel more confident. What I want is for you guys to slowly build up more confidence.
lying about urself & being some1 else isnt a healthy way 2 build up self confidence. in fact in the long run it will probably make ur self confidence lower
yep. very confident "i have 2 b some1 else 4 women 2 like me"
2 unhealthy


+++++ur steps r good. ur way is bad+++++


doing the same steps w/o lying but instead slowly learning how 2 present urself in a way thats good instead of pathetic is the key
learning 1st what ur actual good pts r will help
then practicing 2 c what u should hold back... what women dont like right off the bat would work better
im not saying hide things from women either. but dont tell a woman u just met that u have chronic gas ... on & on.. know what i mean
 
hasbeenlonely said:
mimizu said:
What's stealing kisses?

Stealing a kiss means you kiss a woman when she is not expecting it. I don't recommend it, unless you've kissed her before. Then you can steal kisses all the time. It's quite risky, I've never done it, if she doesn't like it say goodbye to any future chance of kissing.

What?! Stolen kisses are the best. They are spontaneous.

You all are thinking way too much. You're making something completely natural and wonderful scientific. Go with the flow and don't let your ego get in the way.
 
in some places stolen kisses r considered sexual assault/harrassment/abuse. its not really a "natural" world anymore. which is 2 bad
 
NewBirth said:
in some places stolen kisses r considered sexual assault/harrassment/abuse. its not really a "natural" world anymore. which is 2 bad

Really? That's seems pretty drastic.
 
This is too hard for me. :( Aren't there any girls that actually like kissing and being kissed?
 

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