H
hasbeenlonely
Guest
I came across this site and wanted to spend 15 minutes giving advice to those who have never had a girlfriend. Anyway, I have led, to some degree a lonely life - until about 10 years ago. I had my first girlfriend at 24 (I'm 43), then was lonely on and off over the years, until I developed the skills to actively date and seek out female company (sex, affection etc etc). I really feel for those who are going through this now, I know what it's like.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you all capable in terms of dating (those - usually guys - who want to improve their dating skills and experience).
Anyway, how could I look back and see what I was like and how I could change things? I'll spend 15 minutes and make a list of ideas, starting at the basics. Those who read this here can freely copy this list and post it wherever.
1) Make an inventory of how you are at this present moment. You don't have a girlfriend (say...). You've never kissed a woman. Whatever. You think of suicide daily. You are profoundly unhappy. Valentines day makes you feel lonely, just as you feel when you see couples hold hands. You think "If only, my life would be so much better". The idea is to provide a degree of focus for your metamorphis.
2) Write down what you want. A girlfriend. To hold hands in public. Sex. Affection. A family. Whatever. You need to know where you're going. But that's pretty obvious.
3) This is my controversial bit. I make no apologies for what I am about to say. If you are in your 20's, 30's, 40's or 50's, and have not dated ever or more than 15 years ago I am about to suggest that you change things and do things that some people will disagree with. However, the people who disagree with me usually would have had a 'normal' dating life.
Stage 1. Find someone similar who is going through the same thing. That way you two can buddy up and talk about things. Use the telephone, rather than chat or email. You can be on the other side of the world, it doesn't matter. However, this is not mandatory.
Stage 2. Are you shy? Are you anxious? Do you know that this is treatable? Look up "social phobia" online, there are places that treat it. Yes, I've had treatment. It changed my life. I only wish I had it at 18 rather than at 36.
Stage 3. Go to the library and get out every book on dating. You need positive reinforcement. You may disagree with some or all but you need to be in a dating frame of mind. Even if you never read them, they are just reminding you that you want to date.
Stage 4. Pick someone that you wouldn't date. Someone who is much older. Another race. Totally unattractive. Lacking in intelligence. Someone with 10 children. Someone just out of prison. Basically, you need experience, and you need someone, anyone who can offer you that experience.
Stage 5. Flirt with them. They ignore you? Who cares, you didn't want to date them anyway! Try out different techniques. Pretend that you have an exciting past. Make up stories. Women like stories, and they like story tellers. Ignore any ethical onsiderations. Remember how you spent 104 Friday and Saturday nights last year alone in your bedroom, then decide if you really care about ethics. Or how you used to go out to McDonalds just for company on those nights.
Stage 6. Try out different sayings. "I'd like to get to know you" is always flattering. So is "I've been thinking of you as you've got your cold/job interview/parents staying/etc ...". You aren't trying to propose, you're just trying to *get a reaction*. Why is this important? When you're learning, any reaction is better than none. Women are very diverse, what works for one won't necessarily work for another. Each time you say something new, it gets easier to say something. You can start off with "that shirt looks nice" and end up with "maybe next time we'll play naked twister".
Remember, a reaction is what you want. You aren't trying to be a 'jerk'. A jerk won't call the next day. You will.
Stage 7. Dump any negative theories you have about women in general. That they're all gold diggers. They only date jerks. That they're all shallow. That size does matter, that they wouldn't date you. That they wouldn't date you because you've never had a girlfriend. Unless you have two heads, someone probably would date you.
Stage 8. Travel. Someone did a survey on Youth Hostel and discovered that 99% of the single people who backpack have had a backpacking relationship. That's an awful lot of people out there. Ok, you may not make something permanent during that part of your life, but you can try out things that you just would never be able to do at home. In another city, you can be whoever you want to be. Pretend. Make up stories. "That reminds me when I was 18 and borrowed my brothers..." Be someone you're not.
Stage 9. Consider visiting an poor country. They are inexpensive to live in, Ok you need to learn a language but some countries with a British history have English as a common language. Kenya, as an example. Have a holiday romance. You will be seen as a "rich foreigner". That's not going to work against you.
Stage 10. Keep up your momentum. You might find that when you have setbacks, you want to crawl inside your shell again. That is perfectly normal to want that, but try to push through it. Remember, someone would date you. You just need to meet them.
Notes
As the guy, you will be expected to initiate the first kiss. I've got one simple rule for first kisses: the woman should know you're about to kiss her. Take her hand. Or give her a long hug. Look into her eyes, and hold it there. If she pulls away, she's not interested. Talk about it. Maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe not. If after 5 seconds of eye contact she hasn't moved away, move towards her and kiss her.
Expect to fall head over heels for your first love. Do not be too upset if you two do not last. Take her photo, you don't want your first love to be just a memory. Backup.
The more you date, the easier it gets. When I go out on a date, I think back to previous dates/girlfriends and relive experiences. I remember achievements. "If I could do it then, I can do it now".
Warnings
Probably the only 2 things you really need to know about are: accidental pregnancy and sexual diseases. Neither is good. Unfortunately men don't have real fertility choices, and it is my own personal opinion that condoms are not suitable as the only form of contraception as they have a too high failure rate.
Well, my 15 minutes turned out to be nearly an hour.
Look after yourself. If you are really lonely, please do something about it. Don't let the years turn into decades.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you all capable in terms of dating (those - usually guys - who want to improve their dating skills and experience).
Anyway, how could I look back and see what I was like and how I could change things? I'll spend 15 minutes and make a list of ideas, starting at the basics. Those who read this here can freely copy this list and post it wherever.
1) Make an inventory of how you are at this present moment. You don't have a girlfriend (say...). You've never kissed a woman. Whatever. You think of suicide daily. You are profoundly unhappy. Valentines day makes you feel lonely, just as you feel when you see couples hold hands. You think "If only, my life would be so much better". The idea is to provide a degree of focus for your metamorphis.
2) Write down what you want. A girlfriend. To hold hands in public. Sex. Affection. A family. Whatever. You need to know where you're going. But that's pretty obvious.
3) This is my controversial bit. I make no apologies for what I am about to say. If you are in your 20's, 30's, 40's or 50's, and have not dated ever or more than 15 years ago I am about to suggest that you change things and do things that some people will disagree with. However, the people who disagree with me usually would have had a 'normal' dating life.
Stage 1. Find someone similar who is going through the same thing. That way you two can buddy up and talk about things. Use the telephone, rather than chat or email. You can be on the other side of the world, it doesn't matter. However, this is not mandatory.
Stage 2. Are you shy? Are you anxious? Do you know that this is treatable? Look up "social phobia" online, there are places that treat it. Yes, I've had treatment. It changed my life. I only wish I had it at 18 rather than at 36.
Stage 3. Go to the library and get out every book on dating. You need positive reinforcement. You may disagree with some or all but you need to be in a dating frame of mind. Even if you never read them, they are just reminding you that you want to date.
Stage 4. Pick someone that you wouldn't date. Someone who is much older. Another race. Totally unattractive. Lacking in intelligence. Someone with 10 children. Someone just out of prison. Basically, you need experience, and you need someone, anyone who can offer you that experience.
Stage 5. Flirt with them. They ignore you? Who cares, you didn't want to date them anyway! Try out different techniques. Pretend that you have an exciting past. Make up stories. Women like stories, and they like story tellers. Ignore any ethical onsiderations. Remember how you spent 104 Friday and Saturday nights last year alone in your bedroom, then decide if you really care about ethics. Or how you used to go out to McDonalds just for company on those nights.
Stage 6. Try out different sayings. "I'd like to get to know you" is always flattering. So is "I've been thinking of you as you've got your cold/job interview/parents staying/etc ...". You aren't trying to propose, you're just trying to *get a reaction*. Why is this important? When you're learning, any reaction is better than none. Women are very diverse, what works for one won't necessarily work for another. Each time you say something new, it gets easier to say something. You can start off with "that shirt looks nice" and end up with "maybe next time we'll play naked twister".
Remember, a reaction is what you want. You aren't trying to be a 'jerk'. A jerk won't call the next day. You will.
Stage 7. Dump any negative theories you have about women in general. That they're all gold diggers. They only date jerks. That they're all shallow. That size does matter, that they wouldn't date you. That they wouldn't date you because you've never had a girlfriend. Unless you have two heads, someone probably would date you.
Stage 8. Travel. Someone did a survey on Youth Hostel and discovered that 99% of the single people who backpack have had a backpacking relationship. That's an awful lot of people out there. Ok, you may not make something permanent during that part of your life, but you can try out things that you just would never be able to do at home. In another city, you can be whoever you want to be. Pretend. Make up stories. "That reminds me when I was 18 and borrowed my brothers..." Be someone you're not.
Stage 9. Consider visiting an poor country. They are inexpensive to live in, Ok you need to learn a language but some countries with a British history have English as a common language. Kenya, as an example. Have a holiday romance. You will be seen as a "rich foreigner". That's not going to work against you.
Stage 10. Keep up your momentum. You might find that when you have setbacks, you want to crawl inside your shell again. That is perfectly normal to want that, but try to push through it. Remember, someone would date you. You just need to meet them.
Notes
As the guy, you will be expected to initiate the first kiss. I've got one simple rule for first kisses: the woman should know you're about to kiss her. Take her hand. Or give her a long hug. Look into her eyes, and hold it there. If she pulls away, she's not interested. Talk about it. Maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe not. If after 5 seconds of eye contact she hasn't moved away, move towards her and kiss her.
Expect to fall head over heels for your first love. Do not be too upset if you two do not last. Take her photo, you don't want your first love to be just a memory. Backup.
The more you date, the easier it gets. When I go out on a date, I think back to previous dates/girlfriends and relive experiences. I remember achievements. "If I could do it then, I can do it now".
Warnings
Probably the only 2 things you really need to know about are: accidental pregnancy and sexual diseases. Neither is good. Unfortunately men don't have real fertility choices, and it is my own personal opinion that condoms are not suitable as the only form of contraception as they have a too high failure rate.
Well, my 15 minutes turned out to be nearly an hour.
Look after yourself. If you are really lonely, please do something about it. Don't let the years turn into decades.