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SophiaGrace

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I swear, if I have to look at the smiley of the guy with the club bashing another smiley one more time...while I am writing this, I am going to....

AHH!

My nerves are shot writing this. There. I hid the little bugger by minimizing my screen and moving the smilies out of view.

I feel restless. It is way past my bed-time but I can't sleep because I am tossing and turning. It's driving me nuts. I can't lay still, i think it's a side effect of my anti-depressant.

If this side effect doesn't go away, i might have to stop taking it.

I don't know why i am writing this, it's not really a complaint, just me writing down my thoughts since nowadays I so rarely tell people what is going on in my head. I don't feel safe enough to do it anymore. I care about what people think, because it affects me very ill when they think badly or poorly of me. So I just keep my mouth shut, to conserve other people's emotional states.

I consider this polite to do so.

I miss someone I love. I haven't talked to them in 14 days, and it's driving me nuts. I feel half-pathetic that it is driving me nuts, I wish I could just say "oh well, I havent talked to them in a few days, so what?"

I hate being vulnerable and letting people in. I let them in, and I know if I never speak to them again or if things go badly, that I'll think about them for months afterwards.

Such is the cost to thwart loneliness though.

So, I accept this price, because the price of loneliness is worse in some ways. I guess it depends on the person I fall in love with though. If i chose the wrong person, loneliness might be better than being with them, but knowing how I am, nine times out of ten it would be better for me to be with someone.

I get the feeling that most people do not derive their self esteem from relationships. Where does it come from then? Their jobs? The way they dress? Self-respect? If people can derive their identity from their jobs, then, why not from relationships. Though I admit that I think that people who derive their identity from relationships are much more likely to develop an abusive relationship for some reason.

I am one of those people who, if they are not in a relationship, feel empty inside. I dislike this feeling of emptiness, I've googled it before and it seems to come up with borderline personality disorder and depression. Which, i find...interesting, but nothing more.

I wish I could sleep but I can't. At least not now.

No one is going to read this block of text. lol

Oh well,

I keep thinking of the place where I had my writing workshop. The little courtyard alley-way, lined with restaurants...and the occasional vagrant. It had bricks instead of concrete slabs. Red bricks. And I'm remembering a friend I made there and how her hair was black, and how she has to go work in Germany soon.

My mind is skipping around.

I won't see my psychologist before I go back to college.

I hope college is better for me this time around. I really do.



 
SophiaGrace said:
I guess it depends on the person I fall in love with though. If i chose the wrong person, loneliness might be better than being with them, but knowing how I am, nine times out of ten it would be better for me to be with someone.

I get the feeling that most people do not derive their self esteem from relationships. Where does it come from then? Their jobs? The way they dress? Self-respect? If people can derive their identity from their jobs, then, why not from relationships. Though I admit that I think that people who derive their identity from relationships are much more likely to develop an abusive relationship for some reason.

I am one of those people who, if they are not in a relationship, feel empty inside. I dislike this feeling of emptiness, I've googled it before and it seems to come up with borderline personality disorder and depression. Which, i find...interesting, but nothing more.

Sophia, thank you for writing this. I have long wanted to express this but being the lousy writer I am, could not put this in words.

I too, kind of swim in loneliness without a relationship.

I really cherish both friendships and relationships and both are so hard to find. I do meet people from social gatherings but none have become personal friendships or relationships.

It's nice you have someone to miss at least.

I once took an anneagram personality test (I'm not sure what the exact spelling is) but when I took it the first time, it says I was type 6 or something and that means that I seek comfort and security in friendships and relationships and they mean everything to me. I thought that was pretty spot on.

And yes, I do think that some people do derive their identity from their careers or hobbies. I don't think that deriving your identity from relationships lead to abusive relationships per say but it makes you miserable and dependent on someone else or people. It's much easier relying on objects and drawing your happiness from there. I've tried doing that but it doesn't seem to happen for me. Have you tried? What's wrong with us?


What do we do then.....

 
(((hug))) Soph. I feel the same way about shutting up so as not to hurt others, but then again, I cant always shut up and then would feel bad for saying too much, later.. and I can relate so much to being affected by what people think of me and then feel mad about myself for being vulnerable. Sometimes I just think that I am weak. But I try to be strong. And I hate that being firm about who I am as a person, with my thoughts, with where I stand in this world, is so hard for me and it seems flawless for other people. I wish I was more carefree and more individualistic and would be the kind of person who could say, ''I can't be arsed''.
 
((((((((((((((((((Sophia)))))))))))))))))
Sorry you're feeling so down...:( It's hard. Hang in there! You've got plenty of friends here to support you all the way. :)
 
I can understand everything that you've said, but you really should learn to trust others. You can't hold everything inside and still be happy. A weight lifts from our shoulders (forgive the originality of the wording there, but it's true :p) when we open up and are accepted. Anything weighing down on us is gonna stop you from being happy.

Are you sure people think less of you after you tell them your mind? Maybe you just reminded them of something they don't like within themselves. And maybe you're stronger than you think....you've obviously already been hurt badly from spilling your guts, but you're still alive. You survived these huge betrayals.

A true friend will always listen and will not judge (unless they're just plain close-minded in general I suppose, but would you wanna be friends with 'that' person, anyway?). It's obvious, isn't it? But instead of thinking how a not-so-good friend has just been exposed we think that we shouldn't open up any more becuase nobody wants to know. That said, I do think it's safer to unload in chunks, go on for too long in one go and it will probably just sound whiny to the average person.

When a not-so-good friend is exposed, at least you've learned where about they belong on your friends list.

I think trusting others in very important and just not as difficult as you might perceive. If you trust them, they are more likely to trust you. You can lick each others wounds rather than it being one-sided that way too. Which is much more healing for both.


As for your loves. Careful of obsessions....they can destroy your soul. Depending on a single person (that isn't you) for your happiness is no way to go. Imagine if that person is gone one day. Whoops! There goes that happiness you depended on them for. I'm certainly not saying people should only depend on themselves, though. I am a believer in love and all that. Just that real strength and happiness come from within, any other sort can be snatched away very easily. Others will always be important to us as we are social creatures.

Believe in yourself. You have the power to change. I'll probably get disagreed with, but I think even the most gloomy and "ugly" people can learn to change to the point where they can become as "carefree" as humanly possible in the modern world.



When you're ready to talk about this sort of thing, I'll listen. If you like. ;)

Hopefully that helped, somehow.



Just my thoughts.
 
Rosalyn said:
As for your loves. Careful of obsessions....they can destroy your soul. Depending on a single person (that isn't you) for your happiness is no way to go. Imagine if that person is gone one day. Whoops! There goes that happiness you depended on them for. I'm certainly not saying people should only depend on themselves, though. I am a believer in love and all that. Just that real strength and happiness come from within, any other sort can be snatched away very easily. Others will always be important to us as we are social creatures.

Wow, you actually figured me out. I do get obsessive about people I love. Or should I say "love". I've always been this way. I don't like admiting that because it makes me sound like some sort of stalker. =/

"real strength and happiness come from within"

That's vague and I don't understand what that might feel like.

*sigh* someday I might understand.



beans said:
It's much easier relying on objects and drawing your happiness from there. I've tried doing that but it doesn't seem to happen for me. Have you tried? What's wrong with us?

I've tried. It doesn't seem to work. =\

And also, for some reason, I think it's a bunch of hooplah when people make it out that they don't depend on relationships for their happiness. Anyone who is a social somebody dates (unless they are a platonic asexual, then they don't wanna date). When someone goes somewhere alone, people wonder why they don't have friends "what's wrong with them?"

Social connections define us as much as our education and careers do.

 
When you're the type to get obsessed it must be hard to tell the diff' between the two, at least to the obsessed? I dunno.

I'll try and make it less vague/break it down. Everything external can be taken away, yes? Looks, jobs, friends, home and so on (sounding so negative, haha). Some things you will lose for sure. So the only type of happiness that can last for almost as long as you do is internal. It's the only kind that is true because of that, in my opinion.

But in order to obtain it, you have to be strong enough to challenge the way you think and change it. If you can change the very way you think/keep a positive outlook on things, despite the many tragic things in life, then you must be a truly strong person.

I think starting to learn to enjoy life's simple pleasures again is a good first step to being happy, though. Like a child. They enjoy all sorts of little things, like walking on the very edge of the pavement (side-walk), one foot in front of the other. :p Reckon we put far too much pressure on to grow up, when we could learn a think or two on how to life properly from kids.

Also, I believe you can have nothing past basic necessities and still be happy.

That's how I see things, anyway. If you think it comes from relationships & work, that's up to you. <3

 
I don't like to think that I have to have a mate in order to be complete, but I really don't think we are meant to be alone. I don't think my self-esteem should come from validation by someone else, but it sure can be shattered by rejection....

I don't mind being alone if it's by choice. I don't like having it imposed on me by someone I trusted and believed in...........
 
SophiaGrace said:
No one is going to read this block of text. lol

Oh well,

Ha! The jokes on you, I totally read your post!

Bet you didn't expect that did you? :)
 
More thoughts here.

So, I am in arizona right now visiting family. The 3 hour time zone difference has thrown my body for a loop.

In other news I have managed to lose 3 (or at least I think 3) friends over the past few weeks. Which is just fantastic. They. were/are all my fault btw so I am just stewing in some self hatred at the moment.

Also, that person I love? Still no contact.

So that's possibly 4 people.

AND I managed to hurt a 5th persons feelings last night, though I think I might've salvaged the friendship. I weakened it though.

Someone change my name to ***** please.

*smiles bitterly*

It's just too much at once. I could handle one friend, maybe two, but possibly 4 leaving at once? *shakes head no* that's much harder.

 
SophiaGrace said:
In other news I have managed to lose 3 (or at least I think 3) friends over the past few weeks. Which is just fantastic. They. were/are all my fault btw so I am just stewing in some self hatred at the moment.

I like to think that friends, who can be lost so easily, are not friends after all. However, it's so hard to say for certain that they didn't get lost themselves. In fact, they may be as broken and lonely again as I am. Should we blame them, us or nobody...


SophiaGrace said:
Someone change my name to ***** please.

don't count on me this time

SophiaGrace said:
I don't know why i am writing this, it's not really a complaint, just me writing down my thoughts since nowadays I so rarely tell people what is going on in my head. I don't feel safe enough to do it anymore. I care about what people think, because it affects me very ill when they think badly or poorly of me. So I just keep my mouth shut, to conserve other people's emotional states.

I'm glad you decided to write about it as you have saved me from expressing it myself.

Ups, I guess I'm not of much help for you :(
 
Aww, Soph...sorry to hear that, man. :/ I hope they surprise you by coming back to you. <3
 
Moving on from my last entry. I guess I don't want to talk about it.

I am still in arizona. I went with my family to sedona yesterday. It was beautiful there and I took many pictures.

I finished my nonfiction book about criminal forensics and how they work. I thought it was nice how the author paired up the different forensics techniques with real-life crime examples in which the techniques were used.

Now I m reading Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie. I've never read a novel by agatha christie before. Apparently she was knighted by the queen of england. Pretty cool.

School starts soon. I am still anxious. My plan is to not use my cell phone during the day while at school and to not use the computer either. That's going to be so hard...

Strangely, while here in az, I've found that my cousin has the same skills as I do (writing), dislikes math and wants to go to college for psychology. I find this interesting.

I can't stop listening to the album Cardiology by Good Charlotte.

That's all for now. Nothing terribly new I suppose.
 
So, Yesterday I bought two books. Night Chills by Dean Koontz and the complete works of Ambrose Bierce.

I'm a book-addict, can you tell? Anyway, i bought the Ambrose Bierce because he was known for his horror stories (and I love the horror genre) back in the day and I've read two of his stories in an american literature class I took. He is also known for his civil war stories.

His biography said that he was a lonely misanthrope. Sounds like he'll be an interesting read to me. :D

Last night my uncle took me and my mom to a cafe. There, i met this older retired gentleman who used to be an architect. We talked for almost two hours, and i asked him about his cartoon drawing and looked through his drawing magazine.

Then, after my uncle had taken us to dinner, we drove past barnes and nobles. There was this guy there that was trying to sell a 3 track cd for 20 dollars. He must've been out of his mind.

anyways, that's all for now. I am just trying to finish up my agatha christie novel. I don't think i spelled her name right but, i'll learn.

 
What are you studying in College?
I'm studying communications with a major in linguistics. I just love words and wordplay, but the more I learn the more I realise how much I suck at it. Still, I love studying it.
 
Davos418 said:
What are you studying in College?
I'm studying communications with a major in linguistics. I just love words and wordplay, but the more I learn the more I realise how much I suck at it. Still, I love studying it.

I am a psychology major with a religion minor.

I used to be a literary studies major.

I just went to a writers workshop at the University of Iowa about how to find material for fiction. :)

I love linguistics majors, they usually have such a good grasp on the sounds that langauge makes, so when they talk it's quite pretty. ^_^

 
So I just finished Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie. I gave it 3 our of 5 stars. It was kind of boring to me even though my aunt said she couldn't put it down while reading it. I disagree. lol

I dislike mysteries. I can't find any practical use for them. Then again someone could argue what the practical use of horror is.

Bleh, despite this I can see myself reading a few more of her works and the whole works of Sir Author Conan Doyle regarding Sherlock Holmes.

So right now I am sitting here in my Uncles dental office. He's a dentist and he's working on patients. I'm listening to Sun by Live on my ipod while typing this.

I used to be on a diary website but everyone there, well, most people 90% were teenage girls that had bulimia/anorexia/cutting problems...

So yeah, I didn't fit in...

In other news I got contact from that person I love, though I must admit I am still not holding my breath that they will write me back more like they said they would. Maybe that speaks to lack of trust, but, yeah, I don't like putting all my trust in one person, it seems foolish. I always like to have a smidgen of doubt while interacting with others, a protective barrier.

The next book I have in my posession is Night Chills by Dean Koontz but I don't feel like reading another book today. My eyes feel tired.

 

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