Why do I do things like this?

Not sure where to post something like this. If it's in the wrong place I apologize. I'll try to keep it short.

Several months ago I revealed my undying love and attraction to this wonderful girl across the hall where I work. Doesn't sound like such a bad thing until I mention the fact that she's 20 years old. I'm 36... She's also apparently living with someone. Yeah, I know. She thought what I had to say was very romantic (I poured my heart out to her). I'm not completely dense as I expected nothing from this, but we ended up becoming friends with occasional bouts of flirting here and there.

Over the course of several months I've ended up helping her with quite a few things. She discovered she had celiac disease, so I helped her get online and looked up "safe" food lists and recipes for her. She had me design a tattoo for her that she wanted and made a big deal about how it would be there forever and ever (that was nice). She's supposed to be taking me out to lunch as a thank you for the tattoo on the 2nd of next month.

My question is: What the heck am I supposed to do? I cannot stop thinking about this person. Should I just accept her friendship or should I keep at it and see if she falls for me? and before I get chastised for being a dirty old man, let me say this has NOTHING to do with sex. She's just everything I've ever dreamed of. I can't help but love her. I already know I'm a fool but some constructive advice would be much appreciated. HELP!

I probably could have made this shorter. Sorry...

eeek... that's a tough situation.

i don't know either of you, so obviously i can't judge... but have you considered that maybe she's just really enjoying the attention she gets from you? i mean, you poured your heart out to her, and got nothing. for many people, that's enough to end any kind of interaction if the other person truly isn't interested. but it seems like you two are still getting on just fine...

it's great that after everything you two are still able to keep a friendship going... i just worry that maybe she's just 'having her cake and eating it too', so to speak. she's already with someone, but she's getting all this emotional attention from you... and she probably loves it.

i know how impossible the thought of cutting her out of your life must seem, given that you feel you're in love with her, so i'm not going to suggest it.

but i do think you may need to be the bigger person here, and take a look at what's really going on. who knows, maybe she truly is interested in you. either way, i'd try and keep it at the friendship level because it won't go anywhere so long as she's with someone else. the problem is, you don't want to be waiting around for her. try not to let her call all the shots... you deserve to be with someone who loves you just as much as you love them.

HI JustLost no need to apologize, where you posted it is OK

I agree with bri, She could just be enjoying the attention shes getting are she may feel the same way but still loves the other guy shes with. That dose happen. If its that then she will probably be struggling as much with this as you.

As for the age, Well she is 20 so knows exactly what shes doing. So you should not feel guilty are feel like your being a dirty old man. honeysuckle man,, I hope 36 is not old coz if it is I aint got that long to go lol

You do need to make a decision tho, If you cert be with this women then you need to move on. Other wise you still could be hear next year with the same problem. That is not good coz it means as long as your having feelings for her you cert move on to maybe someone else who well be available and single and love you as much as you well love them. But seriously what ever you do the age thing should not be a problem. Shes a full grown women.

Why would you love someone who plays with your feelings?

bluey said:

I hope 36 is not old coz if it is I aint got that long to go lol

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Lol..age is just a number

Yeah, I think I should probably try to start forgetting my feelings towards her. Nothing good ever happens to me even when I try to make them happen and I don't see this situation being any different. I suppose it's best just to get used to being alone.

I know there's no other man on this planet that could feel like I do about her (I just know it) but I don't think she's at the stage in her life to appreciate something like that. I've already told her everything there is to say so the best thing I can do is just...well nothing.

This would be a lot easier if she wasn't so adorable...

Thanks for the replies everyone...

Just Lost,

From a female perspective, I can say that this is a sticky situation. If she lives with someone else (a lover or boyfriend) then it's hard for her.

She may even have feelings for you, but her feelings and LOYALTY to the other person may be stronger.

She may not have feelings for you but like you a friend. And she may not want to lose your friendship. So she doesn't want to hurt you and tell the truth.

Women flirt all the time. Some women flirt with people in a friendly way. I have done that before--flirted with men whom I wasn't even attracted to....just spoke to them in a friendly, playful way. Joking around. Nothing serious meant. Just a smile and a lighthearted attitude.

Time will be the truth for you. If she really cares for you, give her time and it will come out. Or, in the end, you may feel betrayed.

She is only 20. She's barely out of her teens. I personally don't care if you are 36 or 26, there is still a huge difference in age in terms of maturity. She's not even sure what she wants out of life, she's like a fledgling bout to take off from the nest. You can spend time with her, but please don't expect anything long term.

Girls this age are notoriously fickle. Some are manipulative. Guard your heart, be kind to her, but expect nothing in return. If you have very, very low expectations, then you may not be disspointed. In the meantime, be open minded to meeting other women. Women with whom you have a bit more in common in terms of life experience and age. There are millions of fish in the sea. This one might be too juvenile, you might have to admire it but throw it back! And find a mature fish who wants to be with you!

lonelygirl said:

If you have very, very low expectations, then you may not be disspointed. In the meantime, be open minded to meeting other women. Women with whom you have a bit more in common in terms of life experience and age. There are millions of fish in the sea. This one might be too juvenile, you might have to admire it but throw it back! And find a mature fish who wants to be with you!

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I know what you say is true lonelygirl, it's just hard when there are no mature fish that want to be with me...or any fish for that matter.

I suck at fishing...

Thanks for your reply. It all makes perfect sense and it's probably what I need to hear.

JustLost,

You're going in a completely wrong direction. You're obviously more interested in her than she is in you, so she right now has all the power. You need to take that power away from her. Don't talk to her for a week and see if she tries to contact you. If she tries to talk to you, just like like, "I'm busy, try to catch me later". Everything is give and take. If you're just giving, there's no way it will work.

I would have said "forget about her" but I want to see if you can play the game just as well as she can. She' sounds like she's not too bad of a person. If you act like you're not that interested anymore or you found a girlfriend, she might get really attached to you. And then you can steal her away

lonelyloser said:

You're going in a completely wrong direction. You're obviously more interested in her than she is in you, so she right now has all the power. You need to take that power away from her. Don't talk to her for a week and see if she tries to contact you.

I would have said "forget about her" but I want to see if you can play the game just as well as she can. She' sounds like she's not too bad of a person. If you act like you're not that interested anymore or you found a girlfriend, she might get really attached to you. And then you can steal her away

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This is pretty much what I do anyway. I make a conscious attempt not to bother her very much as she and I both have work to do, but every so often she'll send me an email about something goofy or just stop in my office to say hello. sometimes I'll be having a smoke outside (kind of close to where her window is) and she'll knock on the window to make faces at me or something.

I assume she's just being friendly, but my point is that it's pretty impossible to ignore her completely. I'm not sure if that's good or bad at this point.

I'm your age too and I have quite a few friends that are young, in the 20-26 range. The reason why is because I'm divorced after 14 years of marriage and now, all the people my age are married and doing the family thing.

First, it's not so much the age gap as a person that young usually doesn't know what she/he really wants. You're putting yourself...or allowing yourself rather to be in a situation where you will most likely be hurt.

Secondly, anyone in one relationship...not a good idea to try to sway them into another relationship.

What could happen is the girl starts to fall for you...really likes you and you get involved. You get close, you fall more in love with her, and then she goes back to the other guy.

Bottom line, know the risk, but odds are, it's not going to end like a fairy tale. It will most likely end with you getting hurt.

thanks for your post, if you are the type of guy like me it is best not to get involved. You read my post, maybe not all 20 year old girls are the same but they will play their games with your heart and emotions, and what about working together? I had to leave a job once because the office girl i was seeing started to date another guy at our work. If you are emotionally strong then see where it goes. If you get hurt easily like me, better not even get closer.

Appreciate the replies everyone. As it stands now, I have no expectations and i think that's the place I need to be in.

situations like these thinking just fucks it up, don't think, keep your self busy or do something even better and empty your mind with some meditation.


In regards to her well... I think you should forget her, first there's someone she's living with, second you've taken too long with her we're taking about months here, she just has you on the side as a friend but nothing serious, it's called friendzone, there only way to get out is to leave her..

I could be wrong I mean she may like you and stuff, I haven't actually met you or her, but just consider what I said.