A painful thought (Very Emotional)

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SignedSierraLynn

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My brother is probably one of the most loved people I know. Everyone wants to be around him, wants to date him, talk to him, and even be like him. He dresses with the best style (in most opinions) and always look perfect. He is outgoing, confident, and the best dancer I know. He could put Beyonce to shame. But then he has me as a sister. When people first meet us they put us as "the hot siblings", but then they come to know that we differ in so many ways. I am awkward, I don't have the best balance and grace (as in I trip a lot and am slightly pidget toed). I get nervous speaking to people and become tongue tied then I say sentences in reverse. I'm more of the artsy, on the downlow, sibling. How is it that we are different when we look alike? How is it that he was able to get over our abusive past, our dysfunctional family, our mom abandoning us for over two years and still trust people? Better question, why can't I? How am I supposed to be able to trust anyone when I was never able to trust the person that is supposed to take care of you and keep you safe. The person that is supposed to be closest to you that you can depend on? If I was never able to trust that person then how can I trust anyone else? I wish I was more like him. He got over it all while I still have troubles with it. It's like I'm missing a glitch in my brain that helps you overcome things. Why do I still think about everything that happened? I'm not dwelling on it, not complaining or feeling sorry for myself. I try to look forward and try to forget it but it triggers itself. When you are told by your own mother that you aren't worth anything and that she wishes you would just go away and when she tries to sabotage every chance you get at happiness, tell me, how are you supposed to feel worthy of anything? I live my life with a smile and trying to move forward with each breath I take but still, all the memories remain and all of the torment stick to my teeth while my smile hides the evidence. It hurts so much. This is just a thought that crossed my mind. I thought I would share it.
 
You're brother is who he is and the way that he is because, amongst other reasons, he acts as your inspiration. Your brother signifies hope in a space where you might not have had none because of how you were brought up. That, if nothing else, is a beautiful thing.

I'm deeply sorry about your upbringing but remember that no matter what happens the good blossoms and takes on a world of its own from the bad that is created. The same way that the phoenix rises from the ashes.

Let your brother and his actions instill you with a sign of hope. We are all senior to our circumstances. There is nothing we can't overcome. Your brother is proof of that
 
The reason why I ask if you are older is because if you are older you would remember more than he did...
 
No matter who you are, life will throw honeysuckle at you. Your brother can possibly just be very good at hiding his feelings from others.

He might look confident and strong on the outside but might be very sad and emotional like you are on the inside. Talk to him about it sometime?
 
SignedSierraLynn said:
... I am awkward ... I get nervous speaking to people and become tongue tied then I say sentences in reverse ...

You are not the only one.

images
 
Thank you for sharing. Have you asked him why? It may be that he has developed a better strategy for overcoming that you have not learned yourself.
 
During high school years my name was..."ur so and so brother"
Both of my ssters were popular...pomp queen, class president...etc..etc
Beautiful women runs in my family tree.

Kids or guys would make fun of me or bullied me.
Half of the dudes I knew only spoke to me becase they wanted to bang my sisters.

I dressed totally differnt than my sisters...They wore designers clothing...
I wore rags and ripped jenes and tennies.
I come from a decent family. My father was a VP or CEO of a company.

I hung out with social outcasted.
My parents were very strick thowards me....its like a double standard.
Whatever applied to ny sisters or most people...dosnt apply to me.
Even if i did abide by the same rules as they did..I did still get put down or punish
very harshed for making the same mistakes my sisters did.

Dont worry so much...later on in life i found out they're actrually more messed up than me.

I cant relate to you completely..cuase i always had a GF or women chasing me.
My freinds come and go...as relationships also.
I do understand that all the bulling, abused, double standard effected my self esteem. mentally and emotionally.

I dedicated myself to music. Music is something Ive always loved and have.
I worked and practice very hard at it....Even my own father tried to stopped me.
With or without friends. With or without relationships...I ve always have music.

As I nature as a person. I dont need to be the center of attention or a social butterfly.

I do live a life thats not conventional to a lot of people.
Some people...even some people on this forum dont approve of who I am or how I live.
It dosnt bother me...They're actaully more wacked out than me.

One of the healtiest thing a self confideance person can do is not seek approval from others.
While of the bullshit I had to live through I dodnt like...However there's always something
good that came out of that.....

mmmm....the Wrights Bros.
The entired world thought they were Nucken futz.
The US government and the entire world made fun of them.
Mankind deem man cant fly.

Devinci....was locked up or put under house arrest until he died.
That world and religion deem the earth was fucken flat.

Johnathen Livingston Seagull was my favorite children book.
Its axtaully one of a book that some Self esteem authors use as a refference

mmm...all the women Ive dated, married or had relationships with say I'm cute, good looking or sexy.
The indecations of that should be...All my gf are cute or pretty but I always thought they were too good for me.
I had a very bad self image of myself. I had to healed, worked on myself and reprogrammed myself.
Not giving a fresia what others thinks or say about me....kind da came natural for me. LMAO
I just had to learn how to use it to work for me instead of against me.

I write my sentence ib reverse...cuz i just dont give a fresia ?
Oki doki...man. My sentence are written in reverse?
maybe I do it on purpose to get on some people's nerves ? hahahhaaaaa
People comprehend what i wrtie...if they can piont out my mistake and correct me...then they know what should be..therefore can comprehend.

I chat or text too much probably?
 
Lonesome Crow said:
During high school years my name was..."ur so and so brother"
Both of my ssters were popular...pomp queen, class president...etc..etc
Beautiful women runs in my family tree.

Kids or guys would make fun of me or bullied me.
Half of the dudes I knew only spoke to me becase they wanted to bang my sisters.

I dressed totally differnt than my sisters...They wore designers clothing...
I wore rags and ripped jenes and tennies.
I come from a decent family. My father was a VP or CEO of a company.

I hung out with social outcasted.
My parents were very strick thowards me....its like a double standard.
Whatever applied to ny sisters or most people...dosnt apply to me.
Even if i did abide by the same rules as they did..I did still get put down or punish
very harshed for making the same mistakes my sisters did.

Dont worry so much...later on in life i found out they're actrually more messed up than me.

I cant relate to you completely..cuase i always had a GF or women chasing me.
My freinds come and go...as relationships also.
I do understand that all the bulling, abused, double standard effected my self esteem. mentally and emotionally.

I dedicated myself to music. Music is something Ive always loved and have.
I worked and practice very hard at it....Even my own father tried to stopped me.
With or without friends. With or without relationships...I ve always have music.

As I nature as a person. I dont need to be the center of attention or a social butterfly.

I do live a life thats not conventional to a lot of people.
Some people...even some people on this forum dont approve of who I am or how I live.
It dosnt bother me...They're actaully more wacked out than me.

One of the healtiest thing a self confideance person can do is not seek approval from others.
While of the bullshit I had to live through I dodnt like...However there's always something
good that came out of that.....

mmmm....the Wrights Bros.
The entired world thought they were Nucken futz.
The US government and the entire world made fun of them.
Mankind deem man cant fly.

Devinci....was locked up or put under house arrest until he died.
That world and religion deem the earth was fucken flat.

Johnathen Livingston Seagull was my favorite children book.
Its axtaully one of a book that some Self esteem authors use as a refference

mmm...all the women Ive dated, married or had relationships with say I'm cute, good looking or sexy.
The indecations of that should be...All my gf are cute or pretty but I always thought they were too good for me.
I had a very bad self image of myself. I had to healed, worked on myself and reprogrammed myself.
Not giving a fresia what others thinks or say about me....kind da came natural for me. LMAO
I just had to learn how to use it to work for me instead of against me.

I write my sentence ib reverse...cuz i just dont give a fresia ?
Oki doki...man. My sentence are written in reverse?
maybe I do it on purpose to get on some people's nerves ? hahahhaaaaa
People comprehend what i wrtie...if they can piont out my mistake and correct me...then they know what should be..therefore can comprehend.

I chat or text too much probably?
Yeah you totally remind me of myself only with a penis. Its all good. The thing is, people atuomatically expect me to be like my brother because I am "the hot sister". Its irritating cause I might be "the hot sister" but I'm nothing like my brother at all. Except for we are both smartasses and sarcastic bitches.

 
Shouldn't worry too much about social expectations on you due to family, you are your own unique person after all.
 
I relate to waht your saying. Although I am not so young anymore, I remember how intense life was for me. Having not been nurturered by my mother and father, I found it very difficult to nurture myself. The only person I really have is myself. The only control I have is over myself. But because I was so shut down and protective I became what I thought other people wanted me to be which was never very clear anyway. I had to learn how to attract different people in my life. Just from reading about you I value your spirit and determination in finding your truth. What I know is that siblings from the same family have different experiences or different perceptions and many times turn out very different from each other.
I had to learn to let other people be kind to me and not expect it to come from the one who should have shown me in the first place. I have shed many tears from the loss of parental love.
 

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