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musingguy80

Member
Joined
Aug 27, 2011
Messages
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Location
Ottawa, Canada
I am not quite sure what I am doing here, I have just read the book 'Lonely' and saw a link to this forum. I do suffer from loneliness and self-esteem issues, that's for sure, I always have, but in the last 2 years these two things have como the fore.

So, I am sat at my laptop on Saturday evening again, halfway around the world from home, in a place which is seemingly hostile to me. I know this is no good for me, but then what do I do... Okay, I best start with my story....

I am 31, and originally from the United Kingdom. I emigrated to Canada in in 2009, in search of a new life, new adventure and so on. Since I was a little boy I suffered from self-esteem issues, and I always seemingly feel a country mile behind the rest of the world. Those feelings, coming from a broken home, and in some ways feeling responsible for that, and the acute loneliness as a child. Outwardly in some senses, I became what we know back home as a 'tearaway', which I guess would mean hoodlum. I suffered low self-esteem as I perceived myself to be stupid, unintelligent and above all, ugly. These 3 things are not necessarily true, as I have found in adulthood that I am not stupid, I gained a good degree from a very good university and I have had some success with the opposite sex. But these doubts remain, I cannot explain these things, or how I feel.... I feel I have the opposite of the midas touch, I feel that if I go near anyone or anything I kinda 'infect' (a bad term, I know, my apologies) them with my 'shitness', my failure, my ineptitude. Why? I honestly cannot say.

Throughout my twenties I struggled with these feelings, despite holding down long-term relationships and long-term employment. I returned to university aged 22, and graduated aged 25. Seemingly, I was popular with people. I always tried (and try) to be nice to everyone, I always tried to see things from the other side. I'd often play devils advocate with myself, and that self-doubt, that need for reassurance has always existed within me. I got involved with a woman who used this against me, and I had the onset of depression in 2007. Looking back, I suffered from depression as a teenager, although I never acknowledged it at the time, or received counselling/therapy for it. In 2007, I nearly killed myself. I wanted to so much. I wanted to never wake-up. I investigated the easiest way to achieve this target, and I took a lot of sleeping pills on the 27th of November 2007. A date I will never forget. My depression, stemming from my failure as a teacher (and I quit when diagnosed) and my failure in relationships, with this woman who used my self-loathing against me coalessed (spelling?) into this incident.

The following week, I moved back in with my Mother. Quite the humiliation as a man aged 27. I started to receive counselling and thearpy. I managed to get a job, and I managed to attend sessions. I started playing football (soccer) again and I got myself fit. I wanted to try a new life elsewhere, I wanted to become a new person and leave the old me behind.

In 2009, I emigrated to Canada. I had family here, but I didn't want to push myself onto them. I hate the idea of asking for help, or for being overbearing on people. In my life, I had 'pushed' myself onto peopl bfore, where maye it was not wanted. This rejection was the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach for me. I cannot begin to put it into context, just how much this made me feel like the worst human being in the world. I managed to get an apartment, and whilst my job was low-paid, I started to accrue a small circle of friends.

In early 2010, I got a new job. A job that required me to go undercover and work on a solo basis daily. After I receievd the training, I wouldn;t speak to another humn beingfor the entire day, and I would work 8 days in a row, with bad unsociable hours. Due to my job I found it hard to get to know people, alongside my natural reticence too push myself onto others. I noticed that I began to regress in myself and I started to lose the little self-confidence oin myself that I got. I would see oither people, laughing, smiling and seemngly enjoying their lives. Meanwhile, I would not speak or talk to other people in this new country for days on end. I can remember Easter this year. I didn't speak to another human being from Maundy Thursday until the day after Easter Monday. I came back to my apartment and I cried. I never felt so alone in my entire lif, and for large parts of my life I felt alone, and depressed. I had no one to talk to, no one to speak to. I don;t have a doctor here and I have a very very very small circle of friends.

After spedning a year and a half in that job, I quit. I walked out. I had cried and felt like crap one too many times. A boss shouted at me for sickness, I had been sick twice in 18 months, missed 2 days in 18 months. I couldn't handle it anymore and I walked out. I am now unemployed in a foreign country, with no friends and a family that doesn't want to know me. I think to myself, what is it about me that they hate? Is it me even.... ? I am a nice person, I can hold conversations with people. I am not the worst person int he word so why do I feel like this? I joined a sports team, I joined a book club... I honestly tried. I cannot pay my rent next month and it is so difficult to find a job in the place where I am. I hate myself for being so stupid and for being such an idiot. I want to die, just to escape this feeling of loneliness. I hate it. If this is life, I do not want it.I sometimes wis that I'd never been discovered back in November 2007. I am tempted to do it again.

My apologies for the essay here, I had to get it off my chest. Thank you.
 
hey.
don't mourn the 2007 incident. fact is - that the past doesn't not always accurately predict the future. you are alive for now, and you can still turn things around. dying is far too easy, imho.

seems like you have some harsh time ahead of you - i can only wish you the best of luck. weather it out, man. sometimes things get better unexpectedly - at least for a while.

in any case. welcome to the forum. hope you'll find something of value here.
 
musingguy, heartbreaking scenario. I wish you get the best of it with days. I see myself in similar shoes in the future, I'm 24 still in college, with endless hate for everything I represent. I also go days and days without talking to anyone.
with all honestly, the short answer that I'm pretty sure will work, is to get prescribed some depression meds. They will work I grantee you.
Also when you said,
musingguy80 said:
A job that required me to go undercover and work on a solo basis daily.
what the heck was that? government agent? don't put yourself in spots that aren't your personality; it made you quit after a lot of pain, sounded like a psychopath who's dis-attached from feelings would succeed brilliantly in that job environment, not you.

thanks for sharing anyway. hang in there, don't hurt yourself. i mean why in this f**kin world nice people like you get to live sh**. it does not make sense, and I'm sure the good is around waiting you to see it.
I was able to connect many places where you were, i tried to finish myself off with sleepin pills before.. I f**ked my liver, and had a surgery afterward to fix the aftermath. so, we can get hope, that's all.
thanks musingguy, a lot for sharing. do yourself well please, and wish you the best.
 
your's is an honest story, and this forum always welcomes people to express themselves no matter how you feel.. good that you let it out..
welcome home


musingguy80 said:
I am not quite sure what I am doing here, I have just read the book 'Lonely' and saw a link to this forum. I do suffer from loneliness and self-esteem issues, that's for sure, I always have, but in the last 2 years these two things have como the fore.

So, I am sat at my laptop on Saturday evening again, halfway around the world from home, in a place which is seemingly hostile to me. I know this is no good for me, but then what do I do... Okay, I best start with my story....

I am 31, and originally from the United Kingdom. I emigrated to Canada in in 2009, in search of a new life, new adventure and so on. Since I was a little boy I suffered from self-esteem issues, and I always seemingly feel a country mile behind the rest of the world. Those feelings, coming from a broken home, and in some ways feeling responsible for that, and the acute loneliness as a child. Outwardly in some senses, I became what we know back home as a 'tearaway', which I guess would mean hoodlum. I suffered low self-esteem as I perceived myself to be stupid, unintelligent and above all, ugly. These 3 things are not necessarily true, as I have found in adulthood that I am not stupid, I gained a good degree from a very good university and I have had some success with the opposite sex. But these doubts remain, I cannot explain these things, or how I feel.... I feel I have the opposite of the midas touch, I feel that if I go near anyone or anything I kinda 'infect' (a bad term, I know, my apologies) them with my 'shitness', my failure, my ineptitude. Why? I honestly cannot say.

Throughout my twenties I struggled with these feelings, despite holding down long-term relationships and long-term employment. I returned to university aged 22, and graduated aged 25. Seemingly, I was popular with people. I always tried (and try) to be nice to everyone, I always tried to see things from the other side. I'd often play devils advocate with myself, and that self-doubt, that need for reassurance has always existed within me. I got involved with a woman who used this against me, and I had the onset of depression in 2007. Looking back, I suffered from depression as a teenager, although I never acknowledged it at the time, or received counselling/therapy for it. In 2007, I nearly killed myself. I wanted to so much. I wanted to never wake-up. I investigated the easiest way to achieve this target, and I took a lot of sleeping pills on the 27th of November 2007. A date I will never forget. My depression, stemming from my failure as a teacher (and I quit when diagnosed) and my failure in relationships, with this woman who used my self-loathing against me coalessed (spelling?) into this incident.

The following week, I moved back in with my Mother. Quite the humiliation as a man aged 27. I started to receive counselling and thearpy. I managed to get a job, and I managed to attend sessions. I started playing football (soccer) again and I got myself fit. I wanted to try a new life elsewhere, I wanted to become a new person and leave the old me behind.

In 2009, I emigrated to Canada. I had family here, but I didn't want to push myself onto them. I hate the idea of asking for help, or for being overbearing on people. In my life, I had 'pushed' myself onto peopl bfore, where maye it was not wanted. This rejection was the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach for me. I cannot begin to put it into context, just how much this made me feel like the worst human being in the world. I managed to get an apartment, and whilst my job was low-paid, I started to accrue a small circle of friends.

In early 2010, I got a new job. A job that required me to go undercover and work on a solo basis daily. After I receievd the training, I wouldn;t speak to another humn beingfor the entire day, and I would work 8 days in a row, with bad unsociable hours. Due to my job I found it hard to get to know people, alongside my natural reticence too push myself onto others. I noticed that I began to regress in myself and I started to lose the little self-confidence oin myself that I got. I would see oither people, laughing, smiling and seemngly enjoying their lives. Meanwhile, I would not speak or talk to other people in this new country for days on end. I can remember Easter this year. I didn't speak to another human being from Maundy Thursday until the day after Easter Monday. I came back to my apartment and I cried. I never felt so alone in my entire lif, and for large parts of my life I felt alone, and depressed. I had no one to talk to, no one to speak to. I don;t have a doctor here and I have a very very very small circle of friends.

After spedning a year and a half in that job, I quit. I walked out. I had cried and felt like crap one too many times. A boss shouted at me for sickness, I had been sick twice in 18 months, missed 2 days in 18 months. I couldn't handle it anymore and I walked out. I am now unemployed in a foreign country, with no friends and a family that doesn't want to know me. I think to myself, what is it about me that they hate? Is it me even.... ? I am a nice person, I can hold conversations with people. I am not the worst person int he word so why do I feel like this? I joined a sports team, I joined a book club... I honestly tried. I cannot pay my rent next month and it is so difficult to find a job in the place where I am. I hate myself for being so stupid and for being such an idiot. I want to die, just to escape this feeling of loneliness. I hate it. If this is life, I do not want it.I sometimes wis that I'd never been discovered back in November 2007. I am tempted to do it again.

My apologies for the essay here, I had to get it off my chest. Thank you.

 
You have had A LOT of honeysuckle. Sometimes the cards are just dealt really crappy. Have you ever played solitare? I am assuming you have. Well, you know when you have like, 10 bad games in a row and you think you will just never win? Well, that is what happened to you. Honestly, it sounds to me like you have done enough self-reflection, self-blame, and self-doubting for one life time. Put that to rest. Please. Take a deep breath and know that you did nothing wrong. You can analyze those situations over and over again, but sometimes it isn't YOU that is off or in the wrong, it is the SITUATION that is off. (Hopefully that made sense)

 
Depressedology said:
musingguy, heartbreaking scenario. I wish you get the best of it with days. I see myself in similar shoes in the future, I'm 24 still in college, with endless hate for everything I represent. I also go days and days without talking to anyone.
with all honestly, the short answer that I'm pretty sure will work, is to get prescribed some depression meds. They will work I grantee you.
Also when you said,
musingguy80 said:
A job that required me to go undercover and work on a solo basis daily.
what the heck was that? government agent? don't put yourself in spots that aren't your personality; it made you quit after a lot of pain, sounded like a psychopath who's dis-attached from feelings would succeed brilliantly in that job environment, not you.

thanks for sharing anyway. hang in there, don't hurt yourself. i mean why in this f**kin world nice people like you get to live sh**. it does not make sense, and I'm sure the good is around waiting you to see it.
I was able to connect many places where you were, i tried to finish myself off with sleepin pills before.. I f**ked my liver, and had a surgery afterward to fix the aftermath. so, we can get hope, that's all.
thanks musingguy, a lot for sharing. do yourself well please, and wish you the best.

Thanks for your reply, and your words of not putting myself into that position which wasn't my personality, well, this is very correct;. As for the bit I underlined, that was good guess, what can I say :cool:

As for meds, I am not with a doctor in Canada and this is something which is a problem.

I wish you the best with your college work, and I can honestly say graduating from university was one of the proudest days of my life. I knew that my Mother was so proud of me. The people who care about you will be for you also, I am sure.

awakenhonesty said:
You have had A LOT of honeysuckle. Sometimes the cards are just dealt really crappy. Have you ever played solitare? I am assuming you have. Well, you know when you have like, 10 bad games in a row and you think you will just never win? Well, that is what happened to you. Honestly, it sounds to me like you have done enough self-reflection, self-blame, and self-doubting for one life time. Put that to rest. Please. Take a deep breath and know that you did nothing wrong. You can analyze those situations over and over again, but sometimes it isn't YOU that is off or in the wrong, it is the SITUATION that is off. (Hopefully that made sense)

The solitare or any general card playing one is a good analogy. Thanks for your positive words, I do appreciate them.
 

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