musingguy80
Member
I am not quite sure what I am doing here, I have just read the book 'Lonely' and saw a link to this forum. I do suffer from loneliness and self-esteem issues, that's for sure, I always have, but in the last 2 years these two things have como the fore.
So, I am sat at my laptop on Saturday evening again, halfway around the world from home, in a place which is seemingly hostile to me. I know this is no good for me, but then what do I do... Okay, I best start with my story....
I am 31, and originally from the United Kingdom. I emigrated to Canada in in 2009, in search of a new life, new adventure and so on. Since I was a little boy I suffered from self-esteem issues, and I always seemingly feel a country mile behind the rest of the world. Those feelings, coming from a broken home, and in some ways feeling responsible for that, and the acute loneliness as a child. Outwardly in some senses, I became what we know back home as a 'tearaway', which I guess would mean hoodlum. I suffered low self-esteem as I perceived myself to be stupid, unintelligent and above all, ugly. These 3 things are not necessarily true, as I have found in adulthood that I am not stupid, I gained a good degree from a very good university and I have had some success with the opposite sex. But these doubts remain, I cannot explain these things, or how I feel.... I feel I have the opposite of the midas touch, I feel that if I go near anyone or anything I kinda 'infect' (a bad term, I know, my apologies) them with my 'shitness', my failure, my ineptitude. Why? I honestly cannot say.
Throughout my twenties I struggled with these feelings, despite holding down long-term relationships and long-term employment. I returned to university aged 22, and graduated aged 25. Seemingly, I was popular with people. I always tried (and try) to be nice to everyone, I always tried to see things from the other side. I'd often play devils advocate with myself, and that self-doubt, that need for reassurance has always existed within me. I got involved with a woman who used this against me, and I had the onset of depression in 2007. Looking back, I suffered from depression as a teenager, although I never acknowledged it at the time, or received counselling/therapy for it. In 2007, I nearly killed myself. I wanted to so much. I wanted to never wake-up. I investigated the easiest way to achieve this target, and I took a lot of sleeping pills on the 27th of November 2007. A date I will never forget. My depression, stemming from my failure as a teacher (and I quit when diagnosed) and my failure in relationships, with this woman who used my self-loathing against me coalessed (spelling?) into this incident.
The following week, I moved back in with my Mother. Quite the humiliation as a man aged 27. I started to receive counselling and thearpy. I managed to get a job, and I managed to attend sessions. I started playing football (soccer) again and I got myself fit. I wanted to try a new life elsewhere, I wanted to become a new person and leave the old me behind.
In 2009, I emigrated to Canada. I had family here, but I didn't want to push myself onto them. I hate the idea of asking for help, or for being overbearing on people. In my life, I had 'pushed' myself onto peopl bfore, where maye it was not wanted. This rejection was the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach for me. I cannot begin to put it into context, just how much this made me feel like the worst human being in the world. I managed to get an apartment, and whilst my job was low-paid, I started to accrue a small circle of friends.
In early 2010, I got a new job. A job that required me to go undercover and work on a solo basis daily. After I receievd the training, I wouldn;t speak to another humn beingfor the entire day, and I would work 8 days in a row, with bad unsociable hours. Due to my job I found it hard to get to know people, alongside my natural reticence too push myself onto others. I noticed that I began to regress in myself and I started to lose the little self-confidence oin myself that I got. I would see oither people, laughing, smiling and seemngly enjoying their lives. Meanwhile, I would not speak or talk to other people in this new country for days on end. I can remember Easter this year. I didn't speak to another human being from Maundy Thursday until the day after Easter Monday. I came back to my apartment and I cried. I never felt so alone in my entire lif, and for large parts of my life I felt alone, and depressed. I had no one to talk to, no one to speak to. I don;t have a doctor here and I have a very very very small circle of friends.
After spedning a year and a half in that job, I quit. I walked out. I had cried and felt like crap one too many times. A boss shouted at me for sickness, I had been sick twice in 18 months, missed 2 days in 18 months. I couldn't handle it anymore and I walked out. I am now unemployed in a foreign country, with no friends and a family that doesn't want to know me. I think to myself, what is it about me that they hate? Is it me even.... ? I am a nice person, I can hold conversations with people. I am not the worst person int he word so why do I feel like this? I joined a sports team, I joined a book club... I honestly tried. I cannot pay my rent next month and it is so difficult to find a job in the place where I am. I hate myself for being so stupid and for being such an idiot. I want to die, just to escape this feeling of loneliness. I hate it. If this is life, I do not want it.I sometimes wis that I'd never been discovered back in November 2007. I am tempted to do it again.
My apologies for the essay here, I had to get it off my chest. Thank you.
So, I am sat at my laptop on Saturday evening again, halfway around the world from home, in a place which is seemingly hostile to me. I know this is no good for me, but then what do I do... Okay, I best start with my story....
I am 31, and originally from the United Kingdom. I emigrated to Canada in in 2009, in search of a new life, new adventure and so on. Since I was a little boy I suffered from self-esteem issues, and I always seemingly feel a country mile behind the rest of the world. Those feelings, coming from a broken home, and in some ways feeling responsible for that, and the acute loneliness as a child. Outwardly in some senses, I became what we know back home as a 'tearaway', which I guess would mean hoodlum. I suffered low self-esteem as I perceived myself to be stupid, unintelligent and above all, ugly. These 3 things are not necessarily true, as I have found in adulthood that I am not stupid, I gained a good degree from a very good university and I have had some success with the opposite sex. But these doubts remain, I cannot explain these things, or how I feel.... I feel I have the opposite of the midas touch, I feel that if I go near anyone or anything I kinda 'infect' (a bad term, I know, my apologies) them with my 'shitness', my failure, my ineptitude. Why? I honestly cannot say.
Throughout my twenties I struggled with these feelings, despite holding down long-term relationships and long-term employment. I returned to university aged 22, and graduated aged 25. Seemingly, I was popular with people. I always tried (and try) to be nice to everyone, I always tried to see things from the other side. I'd often play devils advocate with myself, and that self-doubt, that need for reassurance has always existed within me. I got involved with a woman who used this against me, and I had the onset of depression in 2007. Looking back, I suffered from depression as a teenager, although I never acknowledged it at the time, or received counselling/therapy for it. In 2007, I nearly killed myself. I wanted to so much. I wanted to never wake-up. I investigated the easiest way to achieve this target, and I took a lot of sleeping pills on the 27th of November 2007. A date I will never forget. My depression, stemming from my failure as a teacher (and I quit when diagnosed) and my failure in relationships, with this woman who used my self-loathing against me coalessed (spelling?) into this incident.
The following week, I moved back in with my Mother. Quite the humiliation as a man aged 27. I started to receive counselling and thearpy. I managed to get a job, and I managed to attend sessions. I started playing football (soccer) again and I got myself fit. I wanted to try a new life elsewhere, I wanted to become a new person and leave the old me behind.
In 2009, I emigrated to Canada. I had family here, but I didn't want to push myself onto them. I hate the idea of asking for help, or for being overbearing on people. In my life, I had 'pushed' myself onto peopl bfore, where maye it was not wanted. This rejection was the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach for me. I cannot begin to put it into context, just how much this made me feel like the worst human being in the world. I managed to get an apartment, and whilst my job was low-paid, I started to accrue a small circle of friends.
In early 2010, I got a new job. A job that required me to go undercover and work on a solo basis daily. After I receievd the training, I wouldn;t speak to another humn beingfor the entire day, and I would work 8 days in a row, with bad unsociable hours. Due to my job I found it hard to get to know people, alongside my natural reticence too push myself onto others. I noticed that I began to regress in myself and I started to lose the little self-confidence oin myself that I got. I would see oither people, laughing, smiling and seemngly enjoying their lives. Meanwhile, I would not speak or talk to other people in this new country for days on end. I can remember Easter this year. I didn't speak to another human being from Maundy Thursday until the day after Easter Monday. I came back to my apartment and I cried. I never felt so alone in my entire lif, and for large parts of my life I felt alone, and depressed. I had no one to talk to, no one to speak to. I don;t have a doctor here and I have a very very very small circle of friends.
After spedning a year and a half in that job, I quit. I walked out. I had cried and felt like crap one too many times. A boss shouted at me for sickness, I had been sick twice in 18 months, missed 2 days in 18 months. I couldn't handle it anymore and I walked out. I am now unemployed in a foreign country, with no friends and a family that doesn't want to know me. I think to myself, what is it about me that they hate? Is it me even.... ? I am a nice person, I can hold conversations with people. I am not the worst person int he word so why do I feel like this? I joined a sports team, I joined a book club... I honestly tried. I cannot pay my rent next month and it is so difficult to find a job in the place where I am. I hate myself for being so stupid and for being such an idiot. I want to die, just to escape this feeling of loneliness. I hate it. If this is life, I do not want it.I sometimes wis that I'd never been discovered back in November 2007. I am tempted to do it again.
My apologies for the essay here, I had to get it off my chest. Thank you.