Scared to show affection

I am comfortable only showing negative or neutralic behaviors to other people. I rarely show other people any kind of affection or approval or really anything that would clearly indicate that I like them. I just expect that they would know, or that they would pick up on the tiny hints I drop along the way. I never invite people anywhere or ask them to spend more time with me. I just go about my daily business and hope for the best really. Other people don't seem to understand my behavior and become confused and uncomfortable around me. It has happened time and again. I just make people uncomfortable. If I am nice to them, they realize that I am showing affection, but not enough to make them comfortable to show any back. I've always thought that I was a friendly person but I have to actually convince somebody else besides just myself that I am friendly. To me, showing of love is simply sticking around and spending time with someone. I think it just goes to show how much my upbringing has skewed my perceptions in regard to physical affection and showings of love. I mean if you were to ask me whether or not I thought my parents cared about me (I don't use the word "love" deliberately), I would begrudgingly have to say yes. I don't think I have been shown love in very healthy ways, but ultimately, because my parents are still willing to have me around when I visit is probably how they show that they care. Positive showings of emotion are as rare to me as violent fights with your parents are to other people. My average day growing up consisted of pretty much nothing but affectionless, neutralic behavior from my parents and siblings. Nobody ever cared what I did, how school was going, what I was feeling, etc. I was never held, hugged, or kissed; physical touching of any kind pretty much never happened, except when I was being beat. I know what obvious displays of affection are. But when you can't be comfortable showing them to your own family, it's hard to just show them like it's no big deal to other people or even strangers. I'm sure that meeting new people would be far, far easier for me I could learn to comfortably express affection. Because ultimately, I have always felt that I am a very friendly person, and on the rare occasions when I am comfortable and happy with myself, I can see the difference in how people react to me.

What should I do? How do I learn to become comfortable showing affection to others? Or has that boat simply passed already?

you can always learn pretty much everything.

but you say you see the difference when you feel comfortable and happy with yourself.
so you already know how, its what people do so you have it in you.
you just never learned propperly growing up.

i find it harder with family than friends or people i dont really know.
when i was little i didnt want to be hugged or kissed by my mother.
i still dont, but that has nothing to do with her.
im just a little strange

its obviouse why you would have a difficult time with it when it comes to your family.
but i hope you know that that is not normal and not the way a family should be.
its perfectly oke to express affection to anyone.
so id say you need to practise

just go out and hug and kiss some people, (dont really do that though, you might get your ass kicked ).
just know its oke to do a little more than just sticking around and spend time with someone.
which is what i do to actually
and i used to wonder why they didnt know i liked them.
i was showing them, i thought.
but it takes a little more than that it seems.

i have some autistic trades so these things dont come natural to me.
but i have and am still learning and getting better at it.
so to you it should be a little easyer, you naturaly know how you just learned it wasnt something you do.
you just need to get comfortable doing it, so practise carefully.
and really believe it is ok and your parents were wrong.
cause it is oke and you didnt grow up like you should have.

i think i have a phobia of showing affection as well. if there is a girl that i am interested in i dont show it. i cant. its like a crippling shyness and i ******* hate it. its paralyzing. and i have no idea why i cant because i really want to.

edgecrusher said:

i think i have a phobia of showing affection as well. if there is a girl that i am interested in i dont show it. i cant. its like a crippling shyness and i ******* hate it. its paralyzing. and i have no idea why i cant because i really want to.

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When it comes to girls that I like, I pretty much just shut down. Recently, there was a girl who was interested in me and held my hand at times, brushed lint of my shirt, etc. I just felt so stupid and awkward at the mere thought of touching her back.

With guys, it's not as problematic, because if you are a guy, it's kind of an unwritten rule that you're not supposed to touch other guys too much, so it works out in my favor. But still, the last two times a guy slapped me on my back just as a friendly gesture, I just froze... which seems to have weirded them out. I just sat there and wished they hadn't done that. What do you do when that happens? Laugh? Smile?? Say something sarcastic???

I really don't know what I am so scared of. I think I need to stay away from my family as long as I can until I get this fear out of my system. It's all the weird reactions like this that I give to people that seems to make people want to avoid me altogether.

I'm a total mess when it come to showing positive feelings towards someone. I even feel uncomfortable when a friend gives me a hug. Simple phrases like "I care about you", "I love you" or "You're important to me" always gets stuck in my throat, whether it's family or friends. I grew up with my mum, and as a kid I would talk to my dad on the phone about once a week. Every time, before hanging up, he would tell me that he loved me, and I felt so bad because I couldn't say it back and I knew it hurt his feelings. I just felt too embarrassed to say the words.

I still don't feel any more comfortable about it, but I've learned to sometimes force myself into showing a little bit of affection. It's a slight improvement, however a superficial one. It's really frustrating.

FreedomFromLiberty said:

When it comes to girls that I like, I pretty much just shut down. Recently, there was a girl who was interested in me and held my hand at times, brushed lint of my shirt, etc. I just felt so stupid and awkward at the mere thought of touching her back.

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An Update:

With this particular girl that I mentioned, she turned out to be somewhat of a social climber. Strange this is, she always showed interest in me when others were around, but never wanted to spend time with me and our private conversations were very awkward, so I think she just didn't want to look like "the single girl" in public. Which pretty much confirms my suspicions of girls. You can never be too sure if someone is being nice because they like you, or they have some kind of hidden agenda.

I definitely have this... I am not sure what has caused it. First, I would guess this is the way of my family. We would be much more likely to show affection via kidding or neutral behaviors. My dad didn't do anything like hugging me and I think he was paranoid about someone saying something like abuse. When I was young he would lie in my bed and read me a story but, he always had one foot on the floor and always had the door open. As a kid I never understood. My brother isn't exactly emotional. I always wonder if I don't see that side because I never give him (or anyone else) a reason to express their true feelings -- never get in a car accident etc.. - but.

Secondly, when people express things to me like "I really like you" I am instantly put on guard and worried. What are they trying to get, what do they want? So I feel like I am doing someone else a favor not "bating" them with gushy words like that. Don't my actions show I really like you?

In addition, perhaps as a woman, I constantly get myself into trouble BY being friendly. If I should be anything less than neutral with people I find them almost led on... while I might give out 1% affection I will get back 10% and then I feel the need to put the breaks on fast. Eventually this leads to disappointment.. and confused feelings...

I think it may just require practice. And some coaching. I do have a friend who is very good at saying this kind of thing and I try to emulate her when I say such things and don't make it personal. It isn't me saying them, it is me imagining her saying them through me.

My issue has been sympathy. That whole "there there; want to talk about it?" thing. I don't think I saw enough of it to understand how to approach such situations! But you CAN learn to overcome the inability to show a certain emotion or feeling. It takes time and a lot of work. Pay attention to how others show affection/care. As children, we micked what others did. It's how we grasped the concept of things. As adults we still do the same thing, just not as much. This includes tone of voice, body communication and posture, eye contact, wording, etc.