I recently learned that I have been depressed my entire life. I don't feel sad all the time or anything I just seem to have all the other symptoms. My guess is that I've been depressed so long its become a personality type. Especially when I'm lonely I get particularly introspective. I've developed an alergy to alcohol recently so there go my coping mechanisms. I live on a tropical island. I have a beautiful wife and daughter. I have a hqlf.-million dollar home overlooking the ocean. I am a service member and a scientist. I am not religious. I have more decorations and awards that I'm thinking of starting to throw them away. I have never been to Iraq or Afghanistan.
I am here because I thought that maybe reading about people less fortunate than myself might help me to appreciate the life that I have. But I haven't. My wife called me two weeks ago and told me she doesn't want to be my wife anymore. I don't blame her, I am an awful father and a lousy husband. I've been through all this before. I know how it ends but despite my utter sadness, self-loathing, and self-depricating behavior I can't find it in me to say anything other than " Yep, you deserve it, you don't deserve her and I hope there is a hell because that's where you belong." Funny thing is I really can't find anything that I do that makes me a bad person. I don't drink much, I don't do drugs, or cheat. I'm apathetic. She tells me I'm not really there anymore. I'm gone, lost in my head dreaming about the next great adventure that will satisfy me only momentarily. I can't focus on what really matters because I just don't care about myself or anyone else. I qm. Nihalist and I know it. I'm narsassitic I constantly astound myself with the disparity between what I think and qhat I say.
More and more the man behind the curtainseems to take the reigns, high-jacking my consciuness and you know what when I come out of it I have some great ******* idea laid out on a table and bam I'm the super star at work, at the bar, at the party, in the relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really in control at all. When he doesn't care anymore, the brilliance fades and I'm left fumbling, failing, and now divorced.
After reading alot of posts I have found that I am quite envious. People have problems that are in a sense solvable. They can do something about their saddness their problems because ethey are defined, its a women, a job, a state of physical fitness. What the hell and I supposed to do? What is my problem? I feel that I live a life I'm not responsible for. Someone else did it. fresia me and my problems sometimes I feel that I should die simply for existing like I'm a mockery of everything humanity stands for. I hate myself but strangely I don't know who that is.
I am here because I thought that maybe reading about people less fortunate than myself might help me to appreciate the life that I have. But I haven't. My wife called me two weeks ago and told me she doesn't want to be my wife anymore. I don't blame her, I am an awful father and a lousy husband. I've been through all this before. I know how it ends but despite my utter sadness, self-loathing, and self-depricating behavior I can't find it in me to say anything other than " Yep, you deserve it, you don't deserve her and I hope there is a hell because that's where you belong." Funny thing is I really can't find anything that I do that makes me a bad person. I don't drink much, I don't do drugs, or cheat. I'm apathetic. She tells me I'm not really there anymore. I'm gone, lost in my head dreaming about the next great adventure that will satisfy me only momentarily. I can't focus on what really matters because I just don't care about myself or anyone else. I qm. Nihalist and I know it. I'm narsassitic I constantly astound myself with the disparity between what I think and qhat I say.
More and more the man behind the curtainseems to take the reigns, high-jacking my consciuness and you know what when I come out of it I have some great ******* idea laid out on a table and bam I'm the super star at work, at the bar, at the party, in the relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really in control at all. When he doesn't care anymore, the brilliance fades and I'm left fumbling, failing, and now divorced.
After reading alot of posts I have found that I am quite envious. People have problems that are in a sense solvable. They can do something about their saddness their problems because ethey are defined, its a women, a job, a state of physical fitness. What the hell and I supposed to do? What is my problem? I feel that I live a life I'm not responsible for. Someone else did it. fresia me and my problems sometimes I feel that I should die simply for existing like I'm a mockery of everything humanity stands for. I hate myself but strangely I don't know who that is.
