Friendship, what is it? how much can you ask?

So, i do have one friend, i am quite lucky to at least have someone i know, but part of me does not want to be friends with her, This girl i have known since i was 6 and we kinda drifted apart between age 12-16 and found each other again last year.. But the difference between us is so great, our taste in music, clothes, boys.. and also the way we seem to think about friendship, i often tend to turn to her when i really need someone to talk too, i always do this when we are both online on facebook or msn cause i could never tell her these things in real life, but i have told her everything and i mean everything she knows all my dark secrets, but when we meet, does she ask me about it? does she pretend like it happened? no! and that is all i want.. and i know i might sound selfish but ok so one time i told her, How i had started to cut, and feel the urge to cut (I do not do this anymore but at the time i really wanted to) and that i was thinking about death alot, that suicide might be the only option. We meet 1 day later, you'd think she would be a little concerned, and i am too shy to acknowledge this.. But no, we sit and talk about all this bullshit stuff that does not matter.. and on the inside i am just screaming but she can't see, she does not want to see. It just makes me question what is a friendship? is this as good as it gets? Maybe i watch to many movies i don't know. And i think i try to be a good friend and care about her, she fights quite a lot with her boyfriend and whenever something happens, i always lets her know that i am here which i do really mean. I am here for her, but she just seem numb to it all. And she has a very active social life.. i always wonder what she is like with her other better friends.. cause i am not one of her best friends.. idk.. Just makes me think what real friends are.

It sounds quite a bit like me and my sister in that we used to be really close but now we have so little in common is so sad. The difference is that we are sisters and I know she'd be there if I needed her. However I don't feel I have a friend in her. Someone who likes things I do or even cares that I like them.

As for your friend maybe she doesn't know what to say? Self harm and death are topics people shy away from. Maybe she's scared to bring them up? Though it does seem off that she doesn't even ask how you are and things.

Some people are only happy talking about themselves. My sis is just like that.

Ps. You could message me if you ever want to talk about serious stuff and have no one, I've been there myself. Unfortunately I'm not on msn or facebook or I'd give you my details there.

FunkyBuddha said:

Maybe she's not looking to provide the level of friendship you require? I'm pretty much in the same boat with my two friends. Both I have known for close to ten years and both have been there for me through some rough spots. Neither seem ready to move forward to where I need them. But that's alright I don't want to force someone to do something they don't want to.

But not to fret!

There are plenty of people here (like Annik) that are more than happy to talk about whatever ails you or is on your mind. However redundant this may sound you are never alone on the Lonely Life forums

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Thanks.. i know.. but i just wish she could understand how i feel, i have tried to communicate this to her but she never listens..

how old are you? i think you are young.
young people tend to me immature and don't know how to handle all situations. cutting yourself and suicide is some serious business. it could be that she just doesn't know how to register those ideas. she can't comprehend, and because she can't comprehend the magnitude of it, she doesn't even want to bring it up let. its selfish over her, but i think its a little understandable.
a better friend would still at least subtly ask if you are doing ok though.
one of my friends gets really depressed when he's drunk, to the point one time where he was really drunk and wanted to drive his Mustang off a cliff. he was dead serious, and most of my friends recognized the magnitude of it and we talked to him about slowing down and why he was so upset. some of them though just couldn't grasp what he was talking about as serious.

Some people just don't know how to deal with a situation or problem.

To me friendship is something that is unseen. It's the action that is taken when the moment comes. It's who is there for you in your darkest moment, who stands by your side through all the good and bad. It's never something you request of another person, it's giving what they are able to give and not putting expectations on it. If all they can give is a shoulder to cry on and a pat on the back then that is all they can give. Sometimes that is all we really need. It's not advice or guidance from them, how can they if they don't understand what it is you are going through? Unless they are empathetic, but that is few and far in between anymore.

First of all, your story indicates how there is a separation between "online" and "real world." It's sad and a bit scary that people can open up so much online and not in the real world to people they trust.

Aside from that, if you have a problem talking about your problems in person you should understand if your friend does too. Next time you two are hanging out and nobody else is listening look your friend in the eye and say, "um, I'm really pretty screwed up sometimes, you know...." Her reaction will tell you where's she at on the caring scale. No need to be specific. A million words can be shared with a few looks and gestures. That's the huge advantage to real world contact.

Perhaps you can brake the ice and bring up the topic yourself, sometime? It could be that she doesn't know what to say, and the further you go on not mentioning it the harder it gets to brake that. It doesn't really sound like something that will last in the long run, having this big, dark topic, that you actively discuss, and not mention it AT ALL once together in real life. I'd say you should really think about it before letting her go, though - I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago (having one friend and sometimes feeling I can't stand our friendship), and I think that if I had let her go, as I thought about quite often, I would've simply gone under. I think being completely alone breaks you down as few other things could!

i think its also important to remember that sometimes you just need to take the bad with the good with friendship. people are human, they make mistakes. they aren't always going to do the right thing. that doesn't mean they don't care or want to care.

She could be finding it hard to cope with serious issues, such as your cutting yourself. Maybe she is overwhelmed by it and is afraid to say the wrong thing, so she tries to keep the conversation light. I can fully understand how it is making you feel though, as you really need someone who can take on board your problems and deeper feelings of distress and acknowledge them. So many people are afraid of darker feelings and won't face them in others or in themselves. Maybe you could keep her as a friend you see now and then, but start to look for other friends who are more able to cope with deeper issues.

Maybe she thinks you'll talk about it when you feel like it and doesn't want to remind you of your problems? Just because someone doesn't predict your needs and mirror your desires doesn't mean they don't care or they're a bad friend.

The problem here appears to be that friendship is subjective. Friendship to you is probably different to many others, hence the unbalanced feelings. You just have to take those unbalances with a pinch of salt if you really want a friendship to work. Me? I'm absolutely not fussy when it comes to friends. If you want to be my friend, all you need to do is give me the time of day once in a while