It was anothr night.....

It was another night, of another week, of another month in yet another year of my employment at hospice. And as always, another lesson of life and death awaited me. In a room at the far end of my hall, lay an elderly woman imminently dying. Her husband kept careful watch over her in a chair pushed tightly against her bed. It was late and the lights were turned down so low that everything in the room resembled shadow more than anything tangible. The dying, you see, are very sensitive to light.

All was quiet as he laid his head near her pillow and held her hand. Ever so gently, so tenderly, he brushed her gray hair away as he looked into her face. I think perhaps he looked beyond her furrowed countenance and saw their years of life together. Memories lay etched in wrinkles and strands of gray. They spoke of stories only he could recall. Even though she never offered a response, he kept assuring her that he loved her and everything would be alright. He told me they had been married for over 50 years and for the last two years, despite his own failing health, he had been her caregiver.

What is it that makes another human being want to love you and stand by your side no matter what? For better or worse, for richer or poorer and most of all, in spite of your flaws and morning breath. What is the alchemy of undying love? I thought about these things after I left the room. No doubt it was agonizing watching the rise and fall of her chest knowing that with each breath she took, it would be one less that she had.

Exhausted, he closed his eyes and fell asleep stretched between the chair and her pillow in a painfully awkward looking contortion. It was so beautiful and precious seeing them together; and it was so pitiful at the same time. What was years together had now become hours. I mumbled a silent prayer under my breath as I quietly watched. It wasn't a prayer for her or for him. It was for myself. I wanted to experience a love like that. It was a little past 3 am, as I remember, he lay there asleep holding her hand when she quietly left him.

Despite my avoidant tendencies and 'hedgehog syndrome', one of my greatest fears is to be alone forever. To be seen but not heard, to be unconnected. The thought that i'm not the only one who feels this way, because some others must feel this way as well.. sort of calms me down a bit. I think to myself, well, there are people out there waiting to have their lives touched upon by others, leaving foot prints in their hearts. (Like that elderly couple you were talking about.)
I mean, aren't we all waiting for that? But then, if we're all waiting then how will it ever happen? So, i thought, that's why i've got to follow my bliss and be who i am, and meant to be. On happier days, the reason for everything i do seems to be pointing towards that one dream, to someday be able to live in a reality that moves closer and closer towards ideal conditions.

I wonder if i'll ever be able to find those people or if they'll ever find me. As much as i'd do everything i can to make my dream a reality, life always throws honeysuckle at us and the only thing we can do is to make the best of it. Might not succeed, but at least i'd like to think i tried.

Wow

(((((((((((((Apathy)))))))))))) I totally get where you are coming from. I feel like no one knows me...the real me. I think we all want to feel that connection to someone who could love us for who we are.
I see some of myself in you. Perhaps it is your IN-P

Keep doing what you love girlie. You will find your way. I have faith in that.

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blackhole said:

Wow

Click to expand...

Thank you?

This is very heartbreaking! You tell it beautifully it really touches you...