I'm stuck, any ideas?

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TheSolitaryMan

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This girl I've had a crush on for a while...I'm stuck in a bit of a dead end with approaching her.

She usually goes round with a group of female friends. On the rare occasion I can get myself into that group to talk (I always feel rude for just entering the conversation), she's so shy that so far she hasn't talked back to me!

Unfortunately with a hearing impairment and my own shyness, I'm really having to push my confidence to the limit to even get near to her. I think I caught her looking at me again today, though it was hard to tell if she was just thinking about something and happened to be staring at me.

The weird thing is, I've tried isolating myself in the past to see if she'll come over, but she's even more shy than me. She'll perhaps make an attempt to come nearer, but then she walks off.

It's also like she's sometimes trying to appear disinterested when I'm about (I've also subconsciously done that to her, it's dumb >_< ).

This is all adding up to be quite frustrating. I know that when I next see her things are going to unfold exactly the same. Sigh.

Another quick question - if she is looking at me, should I catch and hold eye contact? Last time I did that it was quite magical, but if she's not meaning to look at me I don't want to look like a psycho :rolleyes:

Any ideas appreciated!
 
What about online? Do you have her email or maybe facebook or something along those lines? Some people do better when they aren't face to face and this would enable you to get to know her and she you.

Beyond that, I'd say just keep trying. If you have the guts just do it. Or maybe talk to one of her friends about it?
 
If she's looking at you, you could try smiling back at her, this would make yourself more approachable to her, I would think. Isolation will get you nowhere, especially if both of you are shy.

Either one of you will have to "risk" it and make that initial approach. Once you become acquainted in person, I would agree with what Callie suggested and get to know each other online, if it seems that medium would be more comfortable to you.
 
DreamerDeceiver said:
If she's looking at you, you could try smiling back at her, this would make yourself more approachable to her, I would think. Isolation will get you nowhere, especially if both of you are shy.

Either one of you will have to "risk" it and make that initial approach. Once you become acquainted in person, I would agree with what Callie suggested and get to know each other online, if it seems that medium would be more comfortable to you.

Well, unfortunately she really doesn't seem to be active online with any regularity, which has limited that. I also don't want to look creepy by just adding her chat addresses without asking.

I keep going up to her friends and we have talked very briefly a few times (she's initiated once, me considerably more than that).

The weird thing is, it was 3 months ago right at the end of the academic term, I was totally convinced she must have really liked me back then. She was just staring right into my eyes. But she didn't say anything then, either, just smiled the whole time :rolleyes:

I've tried smiling, looking back, all sorts. Yet I remain in the end no closer to figuring out what's going on.

The thing I really don't get is why she always sticks with her friends if she likes me. She must know that stops me interacting with her :(
 
Oh guys...I'm sorry for the double post, but **** I'm just so useless. Got really down after more fail today.

Give me any girl I'm not interested in romantically and I will talk her ears off. Put this girl in front of me and I can't get a word out of my mouth!

Plus she only talks in groups, I only talk out of groups.

She had an opportunity to sit next to me today, but instead sat in front of me. I guess I should just give this up. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm just deluding myself into thinking she likes or liked me.

The only thing I can think to do now is ask one of her friends if she's interested in a boyfriend, but frankly I can only see that ending in massive embarrassment.

Too long didn't read: I'm an absolute social failure. Yeah, I've had only 2 days to talk to her. But in those two days I've said nothing. I even handed her some paper today, but just snapped my head back around when she said thanks.

I'm off to go curl up sadly on my bed :(
 
Don't read too much into things - sitting in front of you instead of beside you, her always hanging out with a group of friends - it sounds like she's clearly shy, and those things could easily just be ways of protecting herself from feeling too vulnerable (remember that, as the female, she's not socially trained to feel aggressive or self-projecting, but to expect you to come to her).

That said, if she's sitting close to you, smiling at you occasionally, and has even initiated conversation, the one conclusion you can probably draw is that she most likely doesn't think you're a creep or something (why would she be doing those things if she didn't feel at least a little comfortable around you?).

Try catching her after a class - ask a question about an assignment, something about why the professor is so weird (assuming you're in college?), how strange it is to be so busy/not busy, anything really. Find out if she writes, and if so, what kinds of things. Find out what her favorite new song on the radio is. Or ask if she wants to go get coffee or a soda or whatever after class. The details aren't important, just get yourselves some one-on-one, face-to-face time. And don't be discouraged! Sometimes it takes a while to separate someone from a group. You'll be glad you waited.

And, worst case scenario - doing something embarrassing in college only lasts for the remainder of the semester. Even then, you'll know you tried, and that takes away a LOT of the anxiety, believe me. But putting yourself out there often impresses people - surprise yourself and see what happens. :)
 
Here is a nice little test, it's called the mirror test. Next time you think she is looking at you, do something like look at the clock on the wall, or look at your watch. If she copies what you do, then go up and talk to her. It means she is interested in you.

Screw the online approach, sooner or later you are going to have to talk to her if you want to get anywhere. Might as well be sooner.
 
Just go up to her ask her if she wants to go to a movie, concert, certain restaurant, etc. You just have to just sike yourself into it. And if she is really shy, awkwardness or a perceived rejection does not mean you failed at all, and that's the good news. You have nothing to lose. Go for it.
 
Sounds like you've got to do something. You've got a problem here though, two opposite personalities. You are more comfortable in one on one, she's comfortable in groups. Even if she is interested in you and you ask her out, she might decline. If you have common people you are comfortable with try putting together a small group and invite her, see what happens.
 
Very helpful replies, thank you!

Amazingly, I managed to hold a good chat with her today. She was alone and came over nearby, so I somehow conjured the balls to start talking to her after about a minute of silence.

I messed up a bit with my nerves and gave her a sort of dull, stupid response at one point, but she actually kept the conversation going by asking me another question!

She smiled at me the whole time, though I got shy and couldn't hold eye contact much :rolleyes:

Then our respective friends arrived and we stopped talking so much, though I managed to strike up another very quick exchange after that too.

I still remain very unclear about what she sees in me, if anything, but I think what happened today was positive? I hope so, anyway :p
 
TheSolitaryMan said:
Very helpful replies, thank you!

Amazingly, I managed to hold a good chat with her today. She was alone and came over nearby, so I somehow conjured the balls to start talking to her after about a minute of silence.

I messed up a bit with my nerves and gave her a sort of dull, stupid response at one point, but she actually kept the conversation going by asking me another question!

She smiled at me the whole time, though I got shy and couldn't hold eye contact much :rolleyes:

Then our respective friends arrived and we stopped talking so much, though I managed to strike up another very quick exchange after that too.

I still remain very unclear about what she sees in me, if anything, but I think what happened today was positive? I hope so, anyway :p

That is excellent news bud. You just finished 50% of the courting battle, and that was the hardest step. The next time you see her, it will be that much easier to talk to her again. Next time though, force yourself to look at her eyes. It maybe uncomfortable, and she will probably sense it, but at least she knows you're trying. Besides if she is as shy as you're saying she is, she will look away before you do. You really do not want to be the one looking away as that shows a sign of weakness, something women definately pick up on.
 
Well, she and her friends decided to sit next to me today. I only spoke a couple of sentences, but was very happy indeed! :)
 
Next time, focus on her. Talk a lot to her. That signifies a couple of things to her, that you MAY be interested (it's too early imo to lay out all your cards), but she won't know for sure. If she has interest in you, she will keep talking to you. You need to do a little better than a couple of sentences next time, but you can do it. It should be less awkward to talk to her now. Also, try asking to see what they (the whole group) has planned and see if you can tag along. When your with them, remember to focus on her. Do some light touching (ie when crossing the street, touch her at the small of her back to gently guide her, try and sit next to her so you can try sitting really close to her). If she doesn't flinch or brush away from you, you're in prime position to ask her out on a date. The point is, you want to try and spend as much time with her as you can, right now it doesn't matter if it is alone, or with a group, just put yourself in front of her so she has to notice you. Her feelings will not develop without getting to know you, the saying "out of sight, out of mind" is so true. You are making some big steps now, no need to slow down the momentum you have built for yourself.

Also, make sure that you do not sound desperate when talking to her, hence one of the reason you do not let in the fact you like her just yet. Shy girls appreciate things going slow. They are usually shy because they do not have much experience with the opposite sex, same goes for guys. If you rush into things (bearing your soul), you're only gonna scare her away.

Finally the most important thing, BE YOURSELF!!! You want her to like who you are, not some guy you created whom you think she will like. People are smart, they know when you are faking it. Besides, you definitely don't want to put up an act the rest of your life.

PS forgot to mention, the places you should try and touch her on are: small of her back (the lumbar portion if you are familiar with anatomy), shoulders, upper arm. Avoid private areas and her legs, those only show you have one thing on your mind. The places I mentioned are close to the "sensitive" areas of a woman, but she will not feel violated. If she backs off, then do not try it again for about a week. You need to "work" her a bit more.
 
dorky76 said:
Next time, focus on her. Talk a lot to her. That signifies a couple of things to her, that you MAY be interested (it's too early imo to lay out all your cards), but she won't know for sure. If she has interest in you, she will keep talking to you. You need to do a little better than a couple of sentences next time, but you can do it. It should be less awkward to talk to her now. Also, try asking to see what they (the whole group) has planned and see if you can tag along. When your with them, remember to focus on her. Do some light touching (ie when crossing the street, touch her at the small of her back to gently guide her, try and sit next to her so you can try sitting really close to her).

Cheers dorky, some good advice. I know you're right.

Unfortunately, this doesn't stop me from being crap at following it :p

I didn't speak to her at all today, it was a shame. Urgh. I can't seem to get the initiative to follow the group. It always feels like I'm in "the wrong place", if that makes sense, like an interloper.

It's not the other people that make me feel like that, it's me. Which is even weirder.

On the one hand I keep telling myself that I like her romantically, so I should show it, on the other I have some kind of weird barrier up in my head that is just stopping me from talking with her more.

 
If I was you, I'll make suggestions to her that we go out in ways that aren't explicitly romantic - make it abrupt and sudden, too, so it doesn't sound like you are 'asking her out'. Stuff like, "Oh, I'm going to get a bite to eat, would you like to come with me?" Or find something about her, something she's wearing or she does or about her that gives you an in to speak with her directly.
 
IgnoredOne said:
If I was you, I'll make suggestions to her that we go out in ways that aren't explicitly romantic - make it abrupt and sudden, too, so it doesn't sound like you are 'asking her out'. Stuff like, "Oh, I'm going to get a bite to eat, would you like to come with me?" Or find something about her, something she's wearing or she does or about her that gives you an in to speak with her directly.

Thanks IO, this might be a good way to progress too. I just...urgh, it's so stupid, but I feel awkward saying this stuff, even when it's really innocent!

It's like I'm just internally terrified of admitting to someone that I like them in more than a friendship capacity. I could understand feeling like this if I was being really crude and vulgar to girls or something, but even just the friendliest approach ideas I get make me feel like I'm being creepy or annoying when I go to voice them. Even if the girl is smiling at me :rolleyes:

There's a party coming up soon that we're both going to, I'm thinking that's "ideal", but for what exactly I don't know! I suppose I will try to talk to her more there.

I've really liked this girl for four months now, and yet I'm still stuck on tiny things like this, it's ridiculous :(

Anyway, sorry for all the whinng. I just don't get what's up with me...I will try to follow the advice given :)
 
IgnoredOne said:
If I was you, I'll make suggestions to her that we go out in ways that aren't explicitly romantic - make it abrupt and sudden, too, so it doesn't sound like you are 'asking her out'. Stuff like, "Oh, I'm going to get a bite to eat, would you like to come with me?" Or find something about her, something she's wearing or she does or about her that gives you an in to speak with her directly.

Lots of ^this. Abrupt and casual is the way to go - it's non-committal and non-creepy.

When's the party? It could be fun - look at it as a chance to spend time with her outside of class, which is the goal after all, right?

And don't worry about taking a while, everyone moves at their own pace. It sounds like she's maybe warming up to you a little (though hard to judge from here), so maybe the slow approach is what she's comfortable with.
 
Gravity said:
IgnoredOne said:
If I was you, I'll make suggestions to her that we go out in ways that aren't explicitly romantic - make it abrupt and sudden, too, so it doesn't sound like you are 'asking her out'. Stuff like, "Oh, I'm going to get a bite to eat, would you like to come with me?" Or find something about her, something she's wearing or she does or about her that gives you an in to speak with her directly.

Lots of ^this. Abrupt and casual is the way to go - it's non-committal and non-creepy.

When's the party? It could be fun - look at it as a chance to spend time with her outside of class, which is the goal after all, right?

And don't worry about taking a while, everyone moves at their own pace. It sounds like she's maybe warming up to you a little (though hard to judge from here), so maybe the slow approach is what she's comfortable with.

Thanks for the continued comments guys. The party is very soon :p

I had a bit more of a chat today which was nice, weird thing is that if her friends are around I find it easy to talk to her because the pressure just seems to vanish, it's the minute she and I are on our own that I start to get nervous and she goes super quiet!

Her friends seem really nice now that I'm starting to get to know them too, so that's a positive.

I've been a bit clumsy with my approaches to her a few times, and she's really quickwitted so she's spotted that immediately. However, despite grinning and sort of light-heartedly pointing out the flaws in stuff I've said, she seems to engage with me quite a bit regardless, which makes me very happy!

Example: I was really tired and stupidly asked to share some work stuff I'd forgotten, when she laughed and pointed out we were all going to get given it all again that day anyway. Just as I was feeling dumb she shifted over to sit with me and shared it regardless :p

So I think that's probably a good sign. I'm really happy just being friends with her at the moment, so I don't feel too rushed with it all. I'm just going to try and have a good time at the party.
 
I really hope this works out for you - you seem like a decent nice person.

I think her friends liking you is a good sign
 

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